How do men (really) respond to women playing 'hard to get'? (and be honest)

[Anonymous]

My female friends follow the rules below

* Don't respond to texts for 1-2 days and takes ages to respond to any kind of attempted communication
* Don't accept a date requests issued after Wednesday
* Don't make it clear that you are dating him exclusively - be ambiguous and always state that you are busy, busy, busy (so he wonders what you are doing), and therefore works hard to make you his gf.
* Expect 'Princess' treatment (i. e extreme chivalry etc) and just phase him out /ignore him if you don't receive that.

The reason I ask is because I have done some of the above when I am not interested in guys, and they still chase.
Yet, when I have done the same stuff to men I do like (as my friends say that ironically that gets them more interested), they disappear.

And yes, I am 'just myself'(don't play games) nowadays, but was just curious as to what guys think of the above.

Look at it 'retrospectively' please, vs commenting on whether you 'like' the sound of the above. i. e, did you chase girls that behaved that way, and are any of these women your girlfriends or wives now?

Updates

+1 y

Guys- please remember. I am asking you to draw upon PAST EXPERIENCES. For example, did you focus your attentions on an average look/mysterious type of girl that behaved aloof over a really hot, but super keen girl? Did u make the average girl ur gf?

Updates

+1 y

Very interesting (and polarised!) responses guys. I think that I have learned that everyone's different. The conduct outlined in my question does make some of you guys value girls more and see them as special and just anatagonises the remainder of u!

[wolfman39]

Girls play hard to get because they don't want to seem too easy. They are acting. When you play hard to get you only attract guys that are into figuring out games and that are trying to "win" you over. Manipulative people end up with manipulative people because we attract people with similar emotional make up. It is referred to as assortment theory. Guys who aren't into games will simply see your "not calling" as lack of interest. They will take your actions at face value or will simply not see the value in putting the "effort" you want them to.

Of course once upon a time I used to be the guy who'd try to out game gaming women, but now when I meet a girl who behaves that way, I stop contacting her. There's this girl I called 2 or 3 times last month and she never got back to me. She texted me a few days ago and she even had a picture of us together on her profile, which surprised me, but I didn't answer back. Dating people who are into games is just too much effort then I am willing to expend.
Dating is 1000 times easier when you have the balls to be honest.

I know some will probably think you are a man you should make the "effort"... Just view it this way. If your self-worth is derived from yourself, then you depend less on attention to the drama of men/women. But if your self-worth is derived of others, then you'll give your full attention to men/women's drama. This is becoming too technical and long... I hope I answered your question.

[Asker]

You did. And provided an excellent answer.

[med11]

@wolfman39 Keep up that personality type. You will do well not just in relationships but also career, otherwise. Good for you brother, you figured it out.

[Prilee1992]

thumbs up for wolfman, the key thing is never let someone to dictate your identity. If someone doesn't go along with what you want, just simply walk away and never look back!

[DeVhre]

Nailed it!! And the award for best answer I have read to date goes to... *drum roll* ...
@wolfman39

[comicalgirl]

Wow that was really deep. I appreciate the honesty and overall the boldness that people like you have to answer these questions. It was quite direct but definitely needed in this case. Omg im talking as if i asked this question but yea

[jesseray]

Playing hard to get is when a woman insists that a man go through the proper routine of courtship: try to get to know her before you try to date her, be respectful to have any chance of getting a date, do not let him kiss you on the first date, and so on. In other words, "hard to get" just means that the courtship process is extended in a way that makes a guy work for affection.

What your friends are doing? That has nothing to do with extending the courtship process. Your friends are NOT being hard to get. They are being hard to like. They seem to think that men enjoy when women behave like arbitrary bitches. We don't. We hate arbitrary bitches.

No date requests after Wednesday? Who came up with that nonsense? Please, do me a favor and slap the hell out of your friends.

[Asker]

I am probaly betraying womankind's confidence. But google Ellen FIen 'The rules'. These women have made a fortune from that and claim to have brought about long term marriages. Tbh, the principles they quote are exactly what you have quoted as an outcome, should you follow the rules, and the say the rules were devised to guarantee that kind of conduct and to avoid the kind of conduct I have outlined in my last response to Nomad93 (below).

[Asker]

* Ellen Fein

[Asker]

Sorry for the remainder of the typing errors, I am not very good at speedtyping.

[jesseray]

I have never heard of the book, but if they are preaching the same gospel, then they are preaching the truth. Women who try to take the lead to initiate dates or sex with me? They always failed. Women who put up little resistance to me? They always failed. Women who showed resistance in arbitrary ways like your friends have been doing? They always failed. My most successful relationships were always with girls who played hard to get in the way that I mentioned. If the book by Ellen Flen preaches the same gospel, then women would do well to read it.

[Asker]

Basically, it is. And quite eerily quotes you near to word for work. What is the problem with accepting a full on kiss on the first date anyway?

[jesseray]

You lose a good opportunity to tease him (in a playful, flirtatious way).

[jesseray]

Also, it allows anticipation to build, which makes the kiss all the sweeter.

[Asker]

I think that never contacting a girl again as she obliged to a kiss on first date is pretty harsh to be honest.

[jesseray]

People who obligate someone to kiss on the first date are assholes. It's good that they walk away. (This is another reason why women should not kiss on the first date. It screens out some assholes.)

[523206720]

I think your rules are way over the top. The part about not accepting dates past Wednesday to me is unnecessary. what if he calls you Friday and asks you to hang out tuesday? Not responding to texts works in the short term but not in the long term. When you are in a relationship - people expect a response.

[juiabano]

Stop running. Guys won't chase you forever.

Yes, us girls don't want to be "that easy" to catch but guys get tired whenever you play hard to get.

[Anonymous]

I agree with some of the rules but they make it into a game. In my experience the interested guys chase but that book and those rules go too far b

[UniqueDude]

That type of behavior always frustrated me to the point that I would stop pursuing them because their "game" was putting an unnecessary stress on me. I would be MUCH more interested in a mysterious girl that was a 7 than a really keen/game playing girl who was a 9 or 10. I am a chivalrous guy but I don't have a lot of money so I can't go out spending a few hundred dollars in an attempt to get a high maintenance girl to like me by impressing her with everything in the world. And if any girl acts the way that the asker mentioned above, I would automatically assume she is too high maintenance or stuck up and not even bother with her.

[Asker]

So you assumed that experiencing that kind of conduct was game playing vs the girl being extremely busy/desired by other men (and therefore behaving that elusive way was because she was inundated with offers/attention from men)?

[UniqueDude]

Asker,

I'm basically saying that I don't think women should play games with men. I don't think that women should purposely create a situation where they've got 20 different guys investing all this time and money into doing everything possible to impress her, when in the end, only one guy will win her over, and the other 19 guys are sitting there stressed out as heck, money down the drain, in a defeated and depressed state.

Even if a girl is inundated with guys, she should simply pick the first guy she meets that meets all of her basic criteria, or is the closest match. My philosophy is, if a great girl comes along and wants to be with me, I'm not going to turn her away or put her on "hold" while I continue to search to see if there is anyone better that I could have instead.

[Prilee1992]

By only looking at your first rule, I HATE PEOPLE PLAYING GAMES!
For example, there was a girl in the past responded to me pretty quickly on a social apps, she also put emoticons on the texts, which might show interest level on me. Therefore, without any doubt, I invited her out pretty quickly by giving her my number (in this case it sounds safer for a guy to give a girl contact number), I let her know if she's interested, she can shoot me a text anytime, because we live kinda close each other. But finally she disappeared and didn't response my text and I already moved on.
So the issue addressed here is WHY DO YOU SHOW ME SUBTLE INTEREST SIGNS IF YOU WERE NOT WILLING TO BE INVITED OUT? It's very clear based on that.

[Asker]

As most women see it as taboo/alpha to sort of feel like they are initiating /co initiating anything in the early stages. SHe obviously wanted you to explicitly ask her out and set the date etc, sans ambiguity.

[Theguyoverthere]

I don't respond. I let them be on their way and get texted back days later with a stupid "hey" text while I wonder who is texting me since I deleted the number already.

These dumb girl rules you're referring to a completely idiotic and I don't waste my time with them. I know girls get texts pretty fast and if I know them well enough, I'll know the times they even check their phone based on their schedules. Girls with rules like this are why more and more guys are just finding girls to have sex with and skipping all the bullshit "rules" of dating that just get dumber and dumber.

[Asker]

I think the point of following those rules is to phased out non committal men that have flaky levels of interest, and are sleeping around tbh

[Theguyoverthere]

It doesn't work since guys like genuine girls and when they see laundry lists and all that junk they immediately turn away. If a guy is with a girl who is putting him through "tests" and all that junk and he has the option to be with a girl who he can just be himself with he's gonna choose the second.

[Chriskol]

Honestly that kind of attitude bothers me a lot, it just makes it seem like the girl either doesn't get it ( that I like her) or that she is definitely not interested. And sometimes it does make her more interesting, but if its going to be like that all the time it's gonna seem like she is a robot and doesn't allow a normal conversation. So I move on if it seems I just can't get the message through to her even if I say it directly. Don't do this to a guy if you like him, be open to him. Don't go too far, that's not what I mean. Just don't make it seem you don't like him. Act like his best friend and he'll get it.

[Asker]

The point of that conduct is to make the man work to get you. Then you behave normally after 5 dates, when they have won your affection (that they have worked doggedly hard to get).

[Chriskol]

Oh I know I'm just adding a fact from my experience, you asked to be honest

[Nomad93]

I don't understand why you do that and I am so in-experienced at it that I am not even sure if I can pick anyone up it seems all girls are doing this to be honest. Its bad enough the guy has to approach or make the first move and then you over complicate it like what the heck. Whenever someone does that I assume it as extreme dislike and leave them alone for now on. I had a girl hit on me and I approached her and she basically did what you said and I was so confused that I ended up having a break through and realizing most of it was my own fault but damn I wish things weren't this way.

[Asker]

Women do it to separate the flaky non committal guys to those with genuine intentions. It is assumed that eligible men are chasing several different girls at the same time and will eventually go awol if you make it crystal clear that you are interested, and also assume the girl is nothing special/'easy to get'. The female assumption is that if you have worked hard to get her, that you value her and will treat her well, and a kind of guarantee that you will do that for the long term and forget about the other women that you are chasing. Women are stereotypically made to feel like they are chasing guys if they behave in a non aloof way. And to be honest, I found that when I ignored guys I wasn't interested, they would chase me all the more. Which does kind of evidence that some men's psyches do work like that. Most women do it as they have experienced idiots in the past, so don't want to waste their time with that same flaky/playerish type.

[Nomad93]

I am kind of flaky when it comes to hanging out with male friends. But I wouldn't do that if I was seeing some girl I will never be a player it is impossible for me mentally speaking I am way too loyal its more likely I would be cheated on then I would cheat or be a dick to them. Women are confusing to say the least especially if you have never dated but all of a sudden want to it seems really hard to make it happen. Love is a hard thing to find people are very superficial.

[Scarecrow1955]

Ok ladies listen up. If you play hard to get, you're going to chase off more guys than you're going to attract. I really don't understand the logic behind playing hard to get. Acting like you don't like him makes him want you more? No. Acting like you don't like him gives him the impression that you don't like him and he'll usually just give up. Guys are lazy when it comes to finding girls. They don't want drama and stress coming with it, so they go after easier targets. I guess I'm saying, be easy to get, but not too easy.

[JSmuve]

If I get a whiff that the girl's playing hard to get then I'd probably play along. I'd chase her until I either got bored or until I slept with her, then she's out the door. Playing hard to get actually emboldens the player in me so if they're looking at weeding out non-committal men, then it wouldn't work with me.

I like a little chasing but those 4 things you listed are absolutely ridiculous. And the suggestion these things be done after 4 dates and then you act 'normally' on the 5th and onwards is also ridiculous. I want to see the normal you on date 1. What happens if date 5 comes along and you give me normal you and I don't like it? Then you've wasted both of our time playing some little charade. Just be yourself. Girls you play games get gamed.

[Anonymous]

It depends on your age. I personally like the girls who play hard to get to be honest. I'm 19 and at this age we like playing games. If a girl act desperate, reply too fast like she can't wait for it, or worse if she keeps texting me to ask me out in the beginning, I lose Interest. that's just me i like to chase. It makes me feel
Like i got her already, so i keep her as an option. You don't have to wait two days to reply but act as if you have other things going on, reply every ten minutes or something. Feed him with spoon.
Remember you value what you worked hard for.

[Asker]

Hmm. To be honest, I am genuinely busy most of the time. I don't look at my phone every ten minutes. i. e don't want to interrupt work, seeing my friends etc, running errands to always be on the phone, especially to some guy I don't even know that well (thus am not sure he is worth messaging with every second). would prefer to spend that time on friends etc (if I had that time) ...

[Opinion Owner]

Smart girl :)
Be natural, put you priorities first, like friends or work or school. Don't be cold, be nice but don't be easy.

[Asker]

Ha ha , thanks!

[GoldCobra]

It's definitely a good idea for women to do that in general to guys. As painful as that is to say. I say this because it will HELP separate the men who want to sleep with you and the men who are genuinely interested in dating you, which is an issue many ladies complain about.

In my experience, I notice girls always wait to text a guy, like they don't respond right away, and i am fairly certain they do it on purpose as it would be a huge coincidence if they were all actually busy all the time. However, for a man, it is faster to get responses in text from girls if there is no mention of any type of commitment involved. By commitment I am referring to hanging out or meeting up. Once a text to hang out is sent, it will take a greater time for a girl to respond to it. Personally, I usually will try to meet up with a girl by asking her around 2 or 3 times. If she is still making excuses, i generally stop chasing after her and move on.

[Asker]

Would have co listed this as on the most helpful answers. Polar opposite to the other helpful answer - but interesting and very articulately stated.

[Asker]

Out of interest (if I may further ask). I have experienced this a lot. I get messaged by men that I'm luke warm about (mostly as i'm kind of happy being single and kind of find relationships suffocating etc, and find dating usually boring, so just hang out with friends etc as preference). I send kind of (unintentionally) disinterested responses, yet they still chase and chase - even when I don't respond or say I have a bf (as a polite way to get rid of them). Why do men do that, , i. e take it to that level. What is the logic behind it?

[Asker]

And further to my last, below this one, the guys are in their late 20 and early 30s , good looking and all successful professionals (i. e bankers, pilots and traders etc). I. e i imagine those types to not need to 'chase' disinterested women, i. e would have some women chasing them.

[GoldCobra]

If what you say is true, then it is because you are very attractive to them.

[Asker]

Sorry, wasn;'t intending to compliment fish. Yeah, it is true. I am writing on this site to try and better understand male conduct, so wouldn't exaggerate for effect. I was more asking in the context of how their conduct ties into male behaviour. I am not supermodel. I have been told by people that I am attractive, but am the kind of look that people either love or hate, and also the guys I do show interest in (and do the 'rules on or not) , go awol. I'm certainly not commercially attractive, i. e am of an ethnic minority. Hence why I found the conduct below hard to understand. And annoying as I seem to attract the guys I don't want but the guys I do want (when Im in the mood aren't interested).

[Asker]

ALso, for example - one of them seemed as though he was after one thing. (via whatsapp). I politely told him that I am not easy, so he is wasting his time. He disappeared after that for 2 weeks, then bizarrely re contacted me asking me how I was etc. This man doesn't live in the same country as me (he is a pilot, is 32 and sleeps around). Why doesn't he focus on the 'easy' women? I don't under the /male logic?

[GoldCobra]

You do not need to have a model status level of attractiveness to have men all over you. Some men will be more persistent than others. If he cannot find another woman to do it with, then he will try again with you to see if you changed your mind. If you keep rejecting him, eventually he will stop, move on, and forget about you.

[Asker]

This is what I find baffling - these men don't! That was an isolated example. For example, one I have had to file a police report against recently, as he has contacted me every day for a year, when I have told him not to. Other guys also kind of still message consistently also, after rejection. I assumed as they were good looking , they would just easily find other women. Also, final question - what kind of women do you have in mind about having men fawning over them , taht are not supermodels, and why are they fawned over? I don't have double DD on show for example. Is that the sort of woman you are refering to? And my personality is not exceptional. I am quite sarcastic and have kind og grumpy demeanor - so it not my persona! Just asking as I'm curious.

[Asker]

* that and *double DDs

[GoldCobra]

I have said everything I wanted to say about this. I am sorry if it does not answer your question.

[KingSkinny]

Don't care what you look like physically, with that kind of conversation there is no getting to know you as a person, I do like a challenge but this is over the top and any guy that isn't desperate would walk the other way within the first couple of hours

[Asker]

I think the point of the conduct is to make the man feel as though they are chasing something/someone unique and that has for example rejected a lot of men owing to being desirable./selective. The point is that the women behave 'normally' after you have invested 5 dates in her, and therefore captured her attention. Apparently the point of this conduct is to let the guys looking for easy women to 'keep on movin' aka sort the wheat from the chaff.

[KingSkinny]

I invested 3 months in the chase with my recent girlfriend, it was fun for both of us and the relationship was amazing, and we ended on the best possible terms and are still close friends, you wanted past experiences, there's mine, and my opinion is that your friends are doing it all wrong. Now did you actually want people's opinions or just someone to tell you you're right? So far everyone has said what you do will push people away, and you have responded by saying but it works because of ___

[KingSkinny]

3 months before actually starting anything like a relationship

[TadCurious]

No, none of that stuff made me want to chase after a girl. In fact, it's such a turn off, it had just the opposite effect. My older sister told me when I was pretty young "never make a girl tell you 'no' more than once." I've always sort of expanded that rule into my own "if she acts disinterested, move on." It shouldn't be so hard for 2 people to come together. All the "silly torturous games" (as Farmer Ted put it in "16 Candles") is too hard. At least for me.

[jcmrq]

Me, personally, will not bother. There are plenty of lovely nice girls out there that will not be that much trouble. Why waste so much time and energy for someone who is not even reciprocating. Sounds like a bad investment to me.

In the past I found girls like that, and they got only one date with me, and that is only if their game did not include avoiding to show up.

[localblackguy]

People playing games just tires me really, and in the past I've chased once or twice but in the just gone for whichever girls didn't play games. Honestly it's just too much stress otherwise. Girls that do this kind of stuff tend to be dishonest at a later stage anyway.

[Phoenix98]

Personally if I'm not tired then I don't mind playing along for a while but if it drags on then I'm going to move on and not waste time. If I'm tired and that is most of the time since I work and train a lot then I won't even give you a second thought. I am a straight forward guy for me a direct course of action is the best course of action either be straight forward or go toy with someone else.

[Asker]

They do the 'rules' outlined for 3-4 dates and then act normal after that (i. e no games), as you have 'won' them/their attention.

[Phoenix98]

Ya but some of them really like to make you work for them. And honestly they ain't all worth the effort sometimes.

[PhiOmega]

Lmfao! Nah that's a big hell no, to quote a wise meme "chase you? B!#@# I don't even chase my liquor"

Based on past experiences, I've talked to girls who gave me an interested look, but when they seem distant/rude, I really won't even say high them if we ever pass

Comes off as b!+@#¥

[randomwhiteguy]

Approved!

[Anonymous]

This is going to turn any guy off, except in two cases. 1. He has very low self esteem. 2. He's actually not interested in you in any deep way, he just likes the fun of it and views you as a source of entertainment. Is either of those two cases something you'd be happy with? Probably not.

[Asker]

Good point.

[lukino]

I've noticed that girls that are hard to get but show some interest in me get me going. I really want them at that point. But after a certain amount of time, it makes it seem like she doesn't want me to try to get her so I lose interest.

bit. ly/YVVQNt

[steveguitar]

Its all bull crap, all men hate it just give it IP, nowadays people aren't keen on waiting or dealing with bull crap. If you don't like him let him know, if you like him let him in

[Golanu]

Punish her: ignore her, doing the same games by answering late, or no answer at all, till she falls. And if not, I'd move to another. She wants to play her game, than I play it;))

[EpicHam]

We take it as she's not interested and get back to our hobbies?