boyfriend did more for his ex than me?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend really did a lot more for his ex than me. He posted photos of her on his social media, he bought tickets for them to go to a drake concert (they broke up a little before the concert happened, and he still brought her with him). He wanted to spend nearly everyday with her. I found out, 9 months before me and my boyfriend met, his ex came to visit a friend, and met up with my boyfriend, and they booked an airbnb in NYC and spent the New Years there and a few days after, together :/ my boyfriend has never done this for me. He’s never posted a picture of me, he hasn’t taken trips with me, or wanted to spend everyday with me, calling me or texting me all the time. It just seems, he was more in love and interested in his ex than me :/ he has also been really emotionally invested in his past exes too. But, this one specific. It seems he did all those great things for her, and he doesn’t do that for me :/ it really hurts me.

He dated her when he was about 20 or so. Then met up with her again at 23, before he met me. My boyfriend is 25 now. I am 21. It makes me really sad :(

I have brought it up to him, and he has said “i do things for you, that i wouldn’t have done for my exes. You have lasted longer than them (we have been together 1.5 years. His past ones didn’t last longer than 6 months) I care about you more than i ever did anyone else.”

But, i still don’t see why i am not worth elaborate displays :(

[TheGoliath]

Sometimes when people feel they are in an unstable relationship they go out of their way to compensate. This can manifest itself in many ways - including social media, dates, attention, activities. These are often things they do because they feel they have to as the relationship is not comfortable and stable.

You two have been together a long time, you should expect that things will be a bit less passionate over time. But it also seems to me he feels your relationship is stable and comfortable and so has less anxiety over it (and thus, less compensation).

Of course, this is no excuse of you feel neglected. If you want more things, you should have an idea of what you want and talk to him about it.

But - I wouldn't assume he liked them more. Just think of it as he held on tighter coz it wasn't feeling right to him.

[Asker]

Hmmm, maybe this is true... he was younger in those relationships, and they were some of his first ones. Yes, maybe he felt like he needed to do more to feel secure with them :/ i try and think about it. For one of his exes, she would talk to another guy and my boyfriend was always suspicious but would keep his jealousy to himself. So, maybe he tried to win her over by posting photos of her and doing elaborate things. Or, he just never felt secure and like he had her.

Maybe, with me he feels secure enough. I really don’t know. I just am aware of the fact he has never done elaborate things for me (i. e., no Valentine’s Day gift/dinner, no posting of me on social media, no trips, etc.) it makes me sad sometimes, because i compare how he had treated his ex (and other girls he dated) to me, and how he treats me, and what he doesn’t do for me :(

[TheGoliath]

That's something you should tell him, but don't do it in a way where you are guilt tripping or comparing to his past relationships. You don't want to come of jealous or needy.

Just tell him you feel that there are things which you consider important in a relationship that you would like him to do for you. Tell him that not getting those things makes you feel less desirable. And ask him if there's anything he feels the same way about. Open the lines of communication. That's the best way to fix this sort of thing.

Men aren't like women. Very often, men do nice things because they feel it's necessary. We only think of the sweet things spontaneously early in the relationship, or when we feel I secure in it (not all men are the same but this is a general observation).

In all probability, this stuff doesn't even cross his mind.

[Asker]

I mean, yes. What you have said is true. I did mention it to him a few times, about how he did x, y and z for His exes, but not me. He said “i don’t feel the need to do those things. That isn’t a part of me anymore. I don’t feel i need to post you everywhere or tell you i love you everyday, or have you do the same for me, to prove we love each other. I know you love me, because you are with me”. I just don’t understand, how those parts of a person can change? I don’t deserve to suffer because his exes treated him badly, and didn’t value and appreciate him like i do. It’s so messed up. I’m sorry, I’m just frustrated!

[Asker]

I suppose i can bring it up to him again, and see :/

[TheGoliath]

Nah don't be sorry, it's understandable.

And actually people do change and mature over time.

That's a reason it's important to bring it up in terms of you two and now. Not him and exes back then.

Also think honestly - Do you really want all those things, or is it just because his exes got them? which things do you truly want/need in a relationship?

It may not be his style, but if there's something you value, a good man should compromise and try to make his woman happy on at least some.

If you talk in terms of how you feel about those activities, why they'll be greatly appreciated, it's a very different topic than "why them and not me?".

One seems petty and jealous, the other heartfelt and honest.

And talk to him about what he wants too. Ask him if there's anything he values that he isn't getting. Make it clear you simply want to strengthen your relationship and be honest with each other.

[joker91]

Could be that he feels he invested more into those past relationships and was rewarded with pain so he's not willing to put himself out there as much anymore. What you don't wanna hear is another possibility: that you don't mean as much to him. Maybe they were more demanding and weren't happy unless he showered them with excessive things like that.

[Asker]

Yeah, all those girls he dated in the past have played with him. I have never played with him. It’s not fair.

[joker91]

Hmm lol well that's where human attraction gets silly. Every guy has wanted to be with a girl who's turned him down because she sees him as a friend then she'll moan about her bfs being dickheads while he slowly dies inside lol and every girl has done everything for a guy only to get treated like shit or feel unappreciated in return. It's not really about anything you're doing or not doing. It's about him making more of an effort to be accepted by those difficult hard to reach girls.