Why did my boyfriend do more for his ex than he does for me?

Question

He says he wants to but can’t seem to get himself to, I believe him but it’s difficult for me. I’ve brought up multiple times that I want and need him to do more romantic and thoughtful things for me, and I feel like he tries. But just recently I brought up his past very serious ex, and how he did so much for her of his own volition without her asking him. But I ask and feel like I’m begging but it feels like nothing happens. And he agrees that he did do more and if I remember correctly he said that she didn’t have to ask. I am feeling really sad and disappointed. I know he loves me and that he is over his ex but I am feeling awful and don’t know what to think or do.

MaybeSomeOtherTime · Accepted Answer

I never say anything, instead i do what i want him to do so that he knows my way of expressing love. You can skip to the in summary part lol.

For example, I love receiving gifts. So i give him gifts, he knows i show my love like that. But he doesn't do it. Instead he comes to our campus every day just to see me, he stops studying and assures that i know everything and i'm not falling behind and then continues his study etc. Basically spending time and effort is his way of expressing love. That means this is also how he kind of wants me to show my love too.

So i wrote a poem to him, i spend a lot of time on it and i wrote a little every day when i couldn't sleep etc and i was a little anxious that he will find it cringe but i slightly brought it up and sent a few lines, he said he loved them. Then i said i have even more hehe and sent the rest (it wasn't much bc i didn't want to be boring too lol) and he kinda froze and then said "Do i not show how much i care for you enough? Because these lines are so beautiful, i can't believe you spent all that time and effort and wrote those to me and i don't know if i make you feel that you are getting the attention, care and love that you give to me bc i don't do stuffs like that" and i said i love him, as long as he loves me he doesn't need to force himself to show it so i'm happy with how things are. But i noticed he started to buy me chocolate etc since that dayy bc i love eating lol and he is now happier that i am also receiving smth similar to my way of expression of love and he also feels "enough" to me and this makes him feel better.

In summary, he shows his love with spending time with me. I show it with buying gifts. So when i did something similar to his way of expressing love, he felt so happy and thought that he also should do more and started doing stuffs that i like too. Maybe you are also not doing what he wants to recieve? Because i think that when he feels that he is not making you feel the way you make him with actions, he will definitely try to change things and balance things, both because of his ego and his genuine feelings.

So i think don't say it again but show what you want and make him happy. I don't believe you are a rebound.

Chevy1_kb · Accepted Answer

My ex done more for his two new girlfriends than he did for me he's a prick a narcissist cheater took them out everywhere when he started going out with them when he was cheating aswel on me and we only went on 6 places in 3years 4walks a cycle with his mum and to his friends one time another thing he use to say he was going to his cousin's sometimes but wouldn't take me with him left me in his mums house sitting with her then when he came back there would be less sex and if it was really his cousin he would have took me with him I got gut feelings and he was for two years of the three years I was with him and one time he went out and stayed out from 5in the afternoon and never came back till 12at night when I was in his mom's house I phoned him and herd a girl in the background he said it was his cousin's girlfriend but it wasn't and one time after we brokeup i went to his mum's house he pretended to his friend I was his cousin cause he didn't his friend I was sitting with him cause we broke up but when he went out the room and told his friend I wasn't his cousin I was his ex I told his friend not to say it to him though his friend said i thought i knew your face from somewhere i said yeah uve been up here before when i was here when i use to go out with him he's no with me now he's going with another am just here to visit him he's a prick that made me feel very uncomfy with sayingvam his cousin fkn shocking he's probably trtingvto make you jealous fid you try asking him if there was a problem with you that he was treating his ex better at all to get a answer

MiddleAgedClimbee · Accepted Answer

It's quite possible he's not doing as much for the simple fact that the relationship with his ex ended, and he is trying to prevent more hardship in the event that your relationship doesn't last.
perhaps, addressing this uncertainty with him might help. Assure him that he is a long-term partner for you, and build that confidence.

Effably · Accepted Answer

Why not flip the script on its head?
Instead of competing with how much he did for her or for you, do more romantic things for him than she did. You can win by putting effort in too, not just receiving it.

And who knows, maybe you igniting a little romance will make him flare up too and sweep you off your feet.

Finchie40 · Answer

Sorry to say this , but the only reason you are feeling this way, is because your boyfriend isn’t over his ex period , Especially , if he is comparing her to you or constantly talking about her to you , I know it seems like it’s no big deal , but the harsh reality of it is a big deal because it’s disrespectful and a sign of manipulative behavior , and selfishness , and it shows that person is still holding onto something , that is no longer there , that should no longer be there , it’s straight out disrespectful. Because when a guy really likes a girl , he values her , and appreciates her and cares about her and protects her and takes care of her , he doesn’t compare her , because he only has eyes for her , he will barely ever talk about his ex to his current partner unless he is questioned by it , out of respect , for his current relationship with her. Girls’ can do this as well, to her current partner , not realizing the damage she is doing , by comparing her partner to her ex , this sort of behavior is a selfish behavior , of someone that only thinks of themselves , and what is best for themselves , it’s sadly a toxic manipulative trait that he possesses that really means , that person isn’t over their ex , your boyfriend should of never got into a relationship with you , because he is clearly not over his ex. Usually people that hold on to their exes , do not know how to give the same way they want to receive , it’s basically their way or no way , As for you , you will never be good enough to him , because he can’t let go of his past or his ex , the reason he can’t do those things for you , is because he still holds his ex in his heart , and he is holding onto the memories he had with her which he should keep to himself out of respect for you. But by him comparing you to his ex , will eventually make you realize , that you will never be good enough in his eyes. Sadly this sort of thing happens in a lot of relationships , causing relationships to fail , because it’s disrespectful period , and it shows that person’s true colors. You can try to sugarcoat this as much as you want to , but sadly you aren’t receiving what you deserve out of this relationship that’s why you are asking this question. For any relationship to survive , and for love to grow , both partners need to make each other their top priority over everyone else , if you aren’t your partners’ top priority , which clearly you aren’t , you are sadly being used as a convenience , , he doesn’t truly value you , the same way you value him ,! It’s a selfish behavior he possesses , to make you feel that you will never be as good as his ex was , mark my words , I have slept with married women , that lied to me about being married , when I found out she was I asked them why they cheated? They said the only reason they cheated on their husbands , is because they felt this way by their husbands , that constantly compared them to their exes , never making her feel valued or appreciated. So you have a choice , you can either stay in this one sided relationship or end it and find someone that wants to stand by you the same way you stand by them , that respects you the same way you respect them , it’s your choice. Don’t self yourself short to someone that can’t value you the same way you value them, it will just be a matter of time before one of you walks away

razelove · Answer

Men and women both go through that. In most every relationship one party wants and pursues the other one more. It seems like things are blatantly imbalanced in your case.

It would probably hurt less if you could say he was just callous, or numb. You can see the contrast of him chasing his ex, and not chasing you though. That's likely what hurts more. You can't make someone care more. Just like you can't make yourself care less.

He cared about her more, maybe he'll find another woman he cares more about in the future, maybe not. If you want your relationship to survive, just tell him you don't want to hear about his ex again, and don't learn anymore about it.

Avicenna · Answer

Sometimes less is more when it comes to communicating your wishes.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

"I know he loves me and that he is over his ex" Are you really sure?

Anonymous · Answer

I don't know but I did a lot more stuff for one guy who I really liked but I never did the same for the man I love.
I would take time to do cute things and make edited videos with romantic things and write letters and stuff animals with little love notes etc. but for the one I truly love I never considered even spending time on doing anything like that. WHY? I've no idea. MAYBE I just naturally know I love him and don't have to do all those things to show for it. maybe I should do something... he did express before that I didn't show him I love him.. so maybe sometimes we feel that we don't need to show what we KNOW is there. but after thinking this through I guess we do have to show it and sometimes we don't realize it.

I think if you truly love him, don't think about all of that because you might create a problem where there isn't.

maybe express you want him to do sweet things for you and you do them as well, but don't bring up that he did this and this for so and so and she didn't have to ask etc. that can become tiresome and when you want to step back from it you might have already exhausted him and might just not want to be in that relationship anymore.

if after you express you want him to do sweet things for you and he doesn't EVER, then maybe he's not the one for you if that's what you need in a relationship.

communication is key, and once you communicate it and it's not satisfying you then maybe it's the moment for YOU to leave and find someone that can complete you.

PetLover24 · Answer

Here's a life tip: Men DO NOT like high maintenance, clingy / insecure, or demanding girlfriends. Period. They do NOT want to feel obligated to give you a gift, a kiss, etc.

Okay?

They are not your servants, they are not your dogs. They don't act on your beck & call.

So when women

Demand things you take the fun & romance out of it and a boyfriend / fiance / husband sees this as a CHORE on par with taking out the garbage. As fun as paint drying.

YOU are the reason why he is not doing much cause you are DEMANDING he does it. YOU are NOT making it fun or enjoyable or romantic and so he is NOT doing it either.

Altheavas · Answer

I am sorry, there is no excuse that would be acceptable for me. I don’t think he has actually move on from that X. You also tried to communicate that with him, and that hasn’t gone no where. When someone loves and value you, they will make almost everything possible just to hear from you or see you happy with them, even if they just broke up or divorce a person they’ve been with for a long time. If you are the one, nothing will get in the way.

You’re not asking for too much, you’re giving in too much, go set the rules and boundaries. Sounds like he needs to heal, and it sounds like you’re a rebound.

smne35 · Answer

Why are you keeping score, I can't speak as to why he is I can only speak to my boss on this and for me I can't duplicate his I was in prior relationship with new one, because of the difference in personalities, I remain the same person but shown reach new relationship differently, now it could be that he was trying to buy her affection because what he felt for her was more than she felt for him so to try to win her he thought buying her gifts just because would make her life him more, and you probably showing him more attention and affection than his ex why he feels like he didn't need to over do it on buying you of that made any sense to you

ZackBan · Answer

The one on one dynamic between two people cannot be reproduced with a different pair of people.

The comparison will only hurt your relationship.

If you want him to do more then his ex should be irrelevant. Only his actions towards you should matter.

And if he's struggling to get motivated to be more romantic even if he does in fact love you, then maybe you two need to change up the routine dynamic of your relationship. Maybe you could behave differently towards him which will influence him to behave differently as well.

And there is nothing wrong with you taking some romantic initiative of your own as a way to get him in a more romantic mood which might lead him to do more romantic things

MrCharlie13 · Answer

Every relationship is different. I don't know how you know he did more things you'd like him to do to you for his ex, but comparisons never bring anything good to a relationship.

As we grab more experience, sometimes we learn that giving it all sounds romantic, but if it isn't appreciated, it will makes us not give our all in our next relationship. He is not the same man he was when he dated the ex. You cannot expect him to act the same. And iif you fell in love of the former one, I guess you should move on because you cannot change the current him.

JacobJordan · Answer

guy is once bitten twice shy. he spent however much time putting it all out there only to have her end things (or cheat or whatever it was that caused the relationship to end) so he is going to question absolutely everything he does going forward. you gotta show him that you are going to be their regardless that you love him and accept him for him you acknowledge everything he does do for you regardless of how little it may seem. unless you don't see a future with him in which case should just end things

RavVid · Answer

Perhaps it is because you are covertly demanding if not directly demanding. Perhaps the ex never did that. Perhaps the ex was appreciative and rewarding and perhaps you aren't so much.

I might buy a bunch of flowers for example and my girl might be very pleased at the first bunch from me, make fuss of them etc. I'm well pleased with her reaction and the great sex I got so, yeah, I note to do this gain soon.

i get another bunch. This time she is not so enthusiastic and barely say thanks. I note not to do this again because it doesn't mean anything to her.

There have been a few girls who didn't anymore flowers after the second bunch. They failed the romance test.

If girls want guys to be romantic, they have to be romantic too.

Not saying this is the prob but what you have written is focused on you so I think it might be.

7Phoenix7 · Answer

I agree with another person. He's probably burned out from all the effort he put into that relationship. It didn't work out and he might feel like he drained himself for nothing. So now he doesn't even feel motivated to do that again. Maybe you guys shouldn't be together.

Aakash_Hangargi · Answer

I am going to be brutal and say that's very dumb of you.

Your measure of his love is how he treated his ex but you are failing to understand inspite of that she has become his ex means their might have been some issue.

You bringing his ex up every time he does something for you it doesn't make any sense.

You keep doing this and you will make him remember his days of joys with ex and you will or might push him away back to his ex lol.

Hope you try to compare less and enjoy what you are having and lead a good life with him.

Friendlybro79 · Answer

If he's trying, as you say he is, maybe let it be and ask yourself if you're being too needy. I say needy because you used the word need in your question. You don't really need this (like air or water) you like it and crave it. This is normal to a certain degree but it can become overwhelming to a significant other if you're bringing it up a lot.

Maybe he's going through something you're unaware of that has nothing to do with you.

Stop worrying about his ex and worry about how you treat each other. Figure out if you're really happy with your boyfriend and if you're not then I'd say find someone who makes you happy. We can't always make people do the things we want or even give us the things we want.

Anonymous · Answer

To be blunt, guys do as little as you let them get away with.

If his ex got him to be more romantic it's because she didn't put out for less. It sounds manipulative on both parts. That's because it is.

You set the standards he has to reach to get what he wants from the relationship with you, whether that's sex (most likely), security, homemaker or something else. If he really wants YOU then he'll up his game to meet the challenge.

If all he wants is a fuck then you'll get hurt but it's better to find out sooner than later.

You decide what the value you have is. Nobody else.

Hardshell1234 · Answer

Maybe he associates doing stuff for someone else negatively now since she’s his ex…you know? Maybe he doesn’t want to be vulnerable so he isn’t putting in as much effort. It’s hard to know. Men loved to be needed but women hate to tell them what they need.

ohmyguy · Answer

Ooh now how is it you ve come across this detailed highly accurate portrait of you bfs last relationship to know for sure the details of what he did for her so specifically... you d come to the conclusion that your level of care or benefit is noticeably disproportional...

It could be cause may he learned a valuable lesson.. and now is a bit more cautious about the extravagance of his efforts cause the lack luster payoff amounting to an other potentially high maintenance relationship he's evaluating his risk VS reward assessment skills.

syncheart · Answer

Maybe that previous relationship burned him out. After all when you invest so much into someone only to have the relationship fall apart in the end... I know that I would be burned out. There was a woman at work that I was investing in, and things just fell part. After that I didn't feel like doing it as much anymore.

BlackCat999 · Answer

Having lived this experience, honestly don't excerpt yourself even more. You mentioned in another comment that you have been putting in effort and would like the same in return.
Fact is, if his previous relationship ended recently and it lasted more than 2 years, he doesn't have the emotional juice to give anything to you right now. Doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, he just may not be capable of loving you as you need to at the moment. And, with all love and respect, you may just have been what people call a rebound at the start of you guys relationship.
Again, it doesn't necessarily mean that it'll die off, you just need to know how much you can ask of him right now and how much you're willing to put up with at this point. If you keep this up, you'll just end up tiring yourself and being drained.

Why did my boyfriend do more for his ex than he does for me?

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