If the person you were dating was a single parent, would that be a deal-breaker?

[Anonymous]

Just a question that seems to come up often. So, suppose you meet this amazing person. Said person was in a relationship sometime before you that produced a child, and for whatever reason, said person broke it off with their ex*. Now s/he is alone raising this child.

Would you still want to date him/her, or would you consider this person to be "damaged goods"? If you did decide to date, when would be the appropriate time to meet the kid(s)? Would you have any insecurities going in?

*The situation could be:

1) Said person's ex cheated on them, and they left rather than stay in a compromised relationship.

2) Said person was actually the "other person" in an affair, and their "ex" left them for their original partner.

3) Said person's ex was abusive, and they left to escape the relationship.

4) Said person and their ex separated for other, less "dramatic" reasons, more or less peacefully.

Would it be a factor if the ex was involved in custody of their child? Would you date if they had no contact with their ex?

Just wondering if single parents can still be "on the market".

Yes.

No.

Not necessarily.

[akaatc]

Personally, I PREFER not to date women with child. I tried 4 times to have a serious relationship with women who had 1 to 3 kids. The problems I had was the constant visits of the kids fathers. "Oh, such&such father is coming to pick him up". "I have to take such&such over his fathers house". Don't no REAL man want to deal with another man being in his womens life. Every time I met a women with kids I always ask them if the father is part of the child's life. The answers I ALWAYS got was, "Oh no, he never comes around". "I haven't seen him in years". "He/she never even seen his/her father". I guess when a guy finds out that his baby momma is dating someone else, he has to pull the "sorry" card to see who he is or to try to take back his "property". Every time, the women played me and went back to the ex just to be dumped or done wrong by them again and then they try to pull the sorry card with me, which I NEVER except. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Yes, I have been fooled which is why I don't give second chances now. So, in order for me to date a women with "ONE" child, the childs father has to be in a position that will "not allow" him to see his child or child's mother again. And I can only think of two positions that can be.

[Asker]

That is really, really sad. It sounds like those women really didn't have their acts together, and in the end they got hurt - but they ended up getting you hurt too and getting their kids hurt too. It sounds to me like they weren't ready for a relationship ...and I'm sorry you got the short end of the stick all those times. :-(

[KarKingJack]

I would very much like to date a single mother ^^ Infact I fancied one for a good long time. And now I'm living next door to her, LOL. And she's got a radiant little girl ^^ Its wonderful, really. But uh, she wouldn't be interested. But its the sentiment, right?

Anyway... Yeah.

[Asker]

Awww... <3 :-)

[KarKingJack]

^^ Are you a single parent then?

[Asker]

No, fortunately. :) My boyfriend and I are raising our baby together and getting married next year. But I was wondering because I've known too many single parents ...in fact, our marriage will be the first in our family that has "worked" in generations. Everyone before us were single parents, or not there at all.

[KarKingJack]

Oh myyy. Well that's great for you guys ^^ And mannnn. A family composed of orphans and bastard children. I like it, haha. Although, I'm sure that created some space between people..? When my dad left - or, was told to leave, its complicated.. - our family just kinda broke apart. A lot of people feel its difficult to be around a single parent/and child. Or did at that time. And orphan children, oh mannnn.

[luna33]

It all depends on how much you love that person,if you are willing to compromise yourself into been part of the childrens life and the person you luv. If am in love and there are children around is a deal package,take it or leave! Never get compromise from the start if you are not sure about it...regrets comes afterward. Of course the ex will always be there if he/she is a responsible parent,that will never change. love,trust and communication can make it work if you are really into that person. Just make sure you are 100% positive about the next step..so no regrets later on! Who knows you might become the best parent that child can have and the best example to follow.

[Charnelle]

For me it is. I'm only 21 and I'm definitely not responsible enough to be in that situation.

Also I've seen my friends' kids get hurt in those types of situations cause they think oh new mommy or daddy, and can't understand the concept of breaking up.

Plus there is the added drama of the baby's mom or dad, just no thank you.

[eithyy]

At my age, no. I'm not ready for that responsibility yet. Plus, what if the kid gets attached just in time for a break up? I'd rather not ruin the kid's happiness.

[Asker]

I like how mature your answer is; especially because you consider the kid. Seems like some of the other answerers just see the kids as "some other man's sperm product". If you were older and, perhaps, had kids of your own, would that change? I like how you're honest about whether or not the responsibility would be something you're ready for - that's mature reasoning.

[eithyy]

If I was older and maybe had some kids of my own even, yeah, I'd be willing to try it. The only time I would be hesitant to do it would be if it was a younger kid, maybe from three to eight or so, because they seem to get attached more quickly and don't yet have the tools to really be able to deal with it well if the relationship ends up failing. I feel, though, that if you're going to get into a relationship with a single parent, you have to think more seriously about a possible future...

[eithyy]

...with that person, just because the kid is going to be a part of that relationship too. You're basically going to be acting as some kind of guardian for the kid while you're in the relationship, so you need to be more immediately responsible.

[Littletad]

I've tried it twice. I'm ashamed to say, but I don't think it would work. Some men just aren't capable of it. The girls I dated with kids centered their lives around their kids, which is fine. But it caused damage to us, to allow our relationship to grow. That's when I knew it wasn't worth it.

[Asker]

Your honesty comes from experience, and that's an admirable thing. Did you feel like their focus would always be divided in halves, between you and their kids? You know ...that's something that sometimes breaks marriages apart, with couples who are both parents to their kids; even though their kids are mutual, they lose the spark between themselves, don't take enough time on maintaining their relationship, and grow apart. :-( It's very sad.

[tmlsmurfs]

No, not at this point

1. If I was with a girl who had a kid, I'd then feel like I'd have to play war with the kid's biological father, unless of course the father is the type of guy guy who deserves to get his balls cut off.

2. I don't really like the need of feeling I have to support one, especially when you don't know if you'll marry this girl, then your money is BOOM GONE.

At a later point,

1. If I was divorced at an age of 22-32 and she had kids and I did yeah, because there's an even support, I look after hers, she looks after mine.

2. I CERTAINLY DON'T PLAN THIS. but if I had a kid and not with his/her mother, then yes I would because again, even support.

Also in general at this point, how much time would you be able to spend with the girl if she had one, you couldn't go out a lot, because babysitters etc, lots of them, and if you can't get one, no date etc.

That's my way of looking at it, hope it helped.

[palebluedot]

I don't mean to sound like a d*** I really like kids, but I just could never see myself in a relationship helping raise some other man's kid.

It's a very selfless thing to do and is very admirable. But again I just don't think I could see myself filling those shoes.

[jacquesvol]

Read what I posted 1' ago.

[Anonymous]

for a matter of fact, it's the girls problem more than the guys', we guys wouldn't have a problem with a single mom, even some of us find moms sexier than others who never were pregnant. Being a mom adds a lot to a girl, more femininity and compassion for others which is sweet. On the other hand, girls find a single dad an immediate turn off, they wouldn't want to get involved in a child's life that isn't theirs, apparently, and even though it sounds like a matter of personal choice, girls who judge guys on their past or children are sort of heartless.

[Avacodo]

I personally love children, but it does matter how many and how far apart. A friend of mine dated a guy with 9 children, four different mothers. He had three kids in one year. So I don't think I was being heartless for telling her that this man was obviously no good.

[SOUL4REAL]

No sweetheart,you got it backward, a real woman that would be a turn on! That let the woman know you are a mature man and a responsible adult,that woman would come in and help you with your child. Now that if she love you!

[Asker]

Hmm ...strange, but I would have thought women wouldn't find such a problem with single fathers. In fact, the stigma these days is that dads don't stick around... I'd think women would see a single dad, being their for his kid(s) and be moved by his "sensitivity" and sense of responsibility. Just my thoughts. I liked reading what you had to say about single moms being more feminine. :-D

[Opinion Owner]

To the question asker, you're welcome, and thanks for the understanding :)

to SOUL4REAL, what have I got backward? a real woman what? aren't mothers "the" real women?

[Birdsofprey]

It would depend on the circumstances & the person. If a guy had five different children with five different women, I wouldn't be interested in him. But if he had one child & treated the mother with respect, I would definitely wouldn't consider his having a kid a deal Breaker. I don't like it when men get a bunch of random women pregnant & never pay child support, that is not the guy I want.

[StudyinBones]

I made the mistake of dating a chick with a kid, will never happen again. She was going through her dating bad boy faze. Got pregnant for all the wrong reason...the guy disappeared after the kid was born. I then dated the girl, she was number 1 in my life, some other guys sperm product was number 1 in her life. I was young and dumb, lesson learned I guess..

[jacquesvol]

If you start with looking at a kid as 'a sperm product' you're bound to run into trouble with the kid and with the mom (even if it's your sperm!)

A kid is the product of an education way more than from sperm. With sperm you only make an embryo. Nothing more.

[StudyinBones]

Sorry, that was a little bit of my bitterness on the subject coming through. Still, the entire thing is that you become attached to the child. When it ends its twice as painful because you are losing two people and not just one. So no, I would never go out with a girl who has a child.

[lelebear]

Of course her child was #1 in her life what kind of mom would she have been if she put some guy in front of her own child.

[StudyinBones]

That's fine, her child can be #1, that's the way it should be, good for her. Call me selfish but when I am in a relationship I expect to get as good as I give. If she is consumed by taking care of a child she had with another man I will be looking for someone else to have a relationship with. I've traveled that road and I will never do it again.

[kirabira]

I guess I wouldn't mind, depending on the kid I suppose. And the way the person I'm dating acts with their kid could be either a good or bad thing. Either showing me that 'hey, I like this guy. He's someone I could have a family with.' or 'whoa. I don't want to get stuck with him..'

[Asker]

That's an interesting perspective, to look at the way he treats his kid. Do you mean - does he put the kid before your relationship? Or were you leaning more towards if he treats his kid with respect? Or something else?

[kirabira]

I was thinking more like, the way he raises his child, if he lets them have an open mind about things or not. :) You can learn a lot by looking at the way someone treats those closest to them.

[saphirasilverwings]

Children would make things a lot more complicated. But it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. I love kids, and being a parent doesn't make someone a bad person. I would have no problem with the ex having joint custody as long as they didn't attempt to interfere with our relationship.

If they cheated on their ex that might be a deal breaker, but that's a whole other situation.

[smallz660]

I'm 17 so I don't want to deal with kids now. Maybe after college I would be OK with it, but at this point in my life, I have too much else to deal with. Plus, if someone around my age has a kid then I would have some serious doubts about their judgement and responsibility.

[Lockjawx27]

I'm not looking for a ready-made family. No man wants that.

You women need to understand that we don't want to pay for another man's mistake. We don't want to be the sucker that you latch onto.

You screwed your bad-boy, and he left you like bad-boys do, and now you want me to take care of HIS kid? You must be high. You won't give a nice-guy the time of day until you get dumped by a bad-boy and need a fool to pay for you and the kid. Also, the kid comes first before the guy. So there's no benefit for men to do it

[Asker]

Hmm ...but what about those mothers who weren't with bad boys? The ones who WERE with nice guys, and for whatever reason it didn't work out? I can see your point about wanting a fresh start with someone, instead of that kind of past baggage coming to a relationship... But you sound like you have a lot of anger towards women, as well as a lot of assumptions about where "most" single mothers come from.

[jacquesvol]

A kid is a kid, the identity of the father has NO importance. The REAL father of any kid is the man who rises the kid, NOT the one who 'donates' some sperm.

[Lockjawx27]

That is BS jacquesvol. That kid will look like the sperm donor. That kid has the sperm donors genes. The father IS the sperm donor, it doesn't matter if you raise it. It will LOOK like the sperm donor.

Plus, one day the kid might want to know who it's real father is and the real dad might come back into the picture at some point. There could be a big fight over the kid if the father one day decided to care about it again

[Asker]

Jacquesvol makes a good point... It's important to see the kid as his/her own person, instead of "some other guy's sperm product". Heck - you might even find up falling in love with the kid as well as the mom.

[Ugliness]

The vagueness of the question vs. the posting makes me refrain from the poll.

My "yes" might actually mean "no" so I won't do it.

I answered a personal ad from a single mother at one time. It didn't last but I got along with the kid better than with her. Generally speaking I love kids and I would have jumped at the opportunity.

[layla223]

would not be a deal breaker. my boyfriend has a daughter

[ambermarie]

i would probably get with a single dad if we really clicked and all..

[Anonymous]

i don't like the idea of havin a constant reminder that someone else has done sh*t with the girl I'm with, so yea havin a kid would prob make me not wanna stay.

[Asker]

Hmm ...you could date someone knowing she's not a virgin, but if she has a kid, then you'd get a visual reminder of her sleeping with some other guy every time you saw her child? Is that what you're saying?

[Opinion Owner]

Kinda :( I have no real problem being with a girl that's not a virgin, but having a kid changes everything, every time I c the kid I would think about her being with another guy and I would personally have a problem with thinking she might go back to the father and if she talks to them I would get jelousish.

[blufrenzy93]

Yes.

I don't want children

and more drama with the baby mama [ not all the time, but I've seen it happen many times... ]

[jacquesvol]

Certainly not as long as the kid wasn't a teenager when I meet her.

Raising a teen you don't know since his/her childhood can be problematic.

[Asker]

Hmm, how so? Would it be because of the teenager's potential rebellious streak? The concern of trying to act like a parent for someone who went so many years without one? Or something else entirely?

[jacquesvol]

That rebellious streak could be way more important against a 'new' (read step-) father than against a man who has known the boy or girl since toddler stage. the kid could make some kind of god of of the 'natural dad', in opposition to the husband of his mother.

[anon1111]

It's a deal breaker. I'm not interested in raising another guy's kid.

[BlackSuperman]

yes htey can... sad fact is, most of em are scarred... that's what keeps em single

[emzy-89]

not neccessarily, but in an ideal situation they wouldn't be a single parent because I'm only 21.

[Anonymous]

Yes its a package deal, instant family and all the obligations and loss of freedom that comes with it...