Is it bad that I want a possessive boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

Guys, do you like being possessive over your gf? Girls, how do you feel about possessive boyfriends?

[brodiewilson82]

No it's not bad actually but some girls it can be a sense of clarity and safety because you always have that I watching over you to make sure that you're safe and you're not in any danger but it can also cause a lot of issues because with a possessive partner especially guys it can become too serious too quick what I mean by that is it can become too much and it can actually drive you guys apart rather than help you because at that point when you are with a possessive partner you don't have very much privacy because they're always looking at everything to make sure you're safe whether it be people you hang out with people you are friends with your social media your family even and like with me I was in a possessive relationship I was engaged for 5 years and it did cause a lot of issues me and my partner did fight a lot because we both wanted our own privacy but at the same time she wanted me to constantly be possessive and constantly give her that sense of urgency safety and in doing that it drove us apart and caused us to argue a lot my relationship actually just ended this past Friday

[InfoBot]

To me this screams:

>>>>>>>>>>I WANT ATTENTION, ME ME ME!!!<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

The problem with this is, I feel strong neediness here and that is a relationship killer. Sure, you might find one of those insecure guys who loves to own you and treat you like his little slave but he'll likely never respect you.

[Asker]

I am very needy because I’m 20 and have never had a boyfriend or even been on a date. I’m scared that I’ll never find someone to love me

[InfoBot]

If the first person you find is someone very possessive then you'll wish you never found anyone at all. Instead, look for someone who will empower you and make you feel capable and respected. That actually has real value. Don't be somebody's trophy bitch.

[Asker]

But if I’m a trophy that means I’m worthy! It means that he shows me off because he thinks I’m good enough

[InfoBot]

No, it really doesn't. It means that you have no actual value other than to be an extension of his ego. A mannequin is great for showing off clothes, but does anyone give a shit about a mannequin? You need to pitch for higher things, seriously. If you don't then you have a future as an abused girlfriend or battered wife to look forward to.

[Asker]

It’s better than being alone. I’ll be unhappy either way. Maybe if I’m in a relationship he’ll show me affection and love which I do desperately need.

[InfoBot]

It's honestly not better than being alone, no. Your current mindset makes you very vulnerable to abuse and it also limits your chances of finding anything that will make you happy. It's your choice though.

[Asker]

Maybe if the right guy comes along and dates me then I won’t be abused and I’ll be happy.

[Asker]

I wouldn’t let a guy abuse me anyways, I don’t want to be hit or slapped, etc.

[InfoBot]

Sure, just like maybe if you leave a wallet full of cash and no ID on the ground in the street someone might hand it in. On the other hand...

Do you lock your doors and windows at night? Why not just leave them open? Maybe nobody will come in. Should be fine...

See where I'm going with this? If you wear a big sign saying "I'm vulnerable as fuck and really not very fussy" then you will be a glowing target for the predators out there who are looking for their next victim.

[Asker]

I wouldn’t date a violent man.

[InfoBot]

The abusive partners don't tend to present themselves as abusive partners. They present very well. That's why abused women, or men, get stuck. They constantly refer back to when their abuser was so sweet and kind and loving, without realising that it was just a front. Abusers start to abuse when their insecurities are brought to the fore. By the time you see the real person it's too late, you're already in love.

By being as vulnerable as you are prepared to be you are making yourself a prime target for an abuser. You will never see him coming. He, on the other hand, will have spotted you from miles away.

You need to be better than that.

[Asker]

If I don’t do anything to piss a guy off then he won’t have a reason to hit me

[InfoBot]

Lol, you think that's how it works? You think that the most loyal and dedicated of partners are immune to abusers?

I'll leave you to make decisions for yourself. Some people will only learn by walking their own path and making their own mistakes.

[pinayfit]

Omg very well said , I agree , abusers will be te sweetest the bestest and the most wonderful guy at first , don't be fooled , it's hard to get out when you are already fall in his trap. Be careful who you chose. Its not good for you emotionally especially mentally

[Stephen5577]

@pinayfit Not true

[InfoBot]

@Stephen5577 It actually is true in many cases.

[pinayfit]

Yes it's true , they act like this knight in shining armor , like a prince but in reality they are just taking all the infos they can get to use it against you in the end. If not then tell how abusers work? Do you think they will show how abusive they can be right away? Do you think someone will give 2 cents of their time to say with someone that they know from the beginning is already an abuser?

[pinayfit]

Stay?

[Halligan]

There’s a fine line between possessive and abusive. Almost all of my past relationships that were possessive became abusive in some way. My marriage now is protective, but nurturing.

Possessive: I don’t want you doing that job, you’re around nothing but men.
Protective: I don’t want you doing that job until you’re cleared by your doctor.

Possessive: I don’t want you hanging around your guy friends anymore.
Protective: that one friend of yours gives me the creep. Please don’t hang out with him alone.

Possessive: your family doesn’t like me. I don’t think you should see them anymore or they’ll turn you against me.
Protective: your mom hasn’t been the same since her stroke and is becoming toxic. I’ll try going with you over there, I’m sorry this is happening to you.

Possessive: don’t wear that, it’s too sexy and I don’t want anyone looking at you.
Protective: don’t wear that... yet. Save it for date night. I can’t wait to show you off. You’re mine!

Of course this is just in my experience.

[Annie_Mosity]

It points to other issues... Taking a guess I'd say you're insecure and have low self esteem. A possessive boyfriend would make you feel like you were so desirable that he'd be constantly worried about you being approached or you leaving him because you have the option.. Cuz you're so hawt! It doesn't mean he loves you more, just that he doesn't trust you at all. Do you want a boyfriend who thinks you'd cheat on him? You want someone who is so insecure he can't have his partner around other men without getting crazy?

Sounds like the fantasy of a confused wannabe submissive to me...

[Anonymous]

Poor kid. You have no idea what you're getting yourself into. Anyone that says that they want a clingy, jealous, or possessive lover forgets that these traits traits stem from another trait that you don't want in a lover: selfishness. They want you all to themselves, because they want it all for themselves. You belong to them, so does all if your time and attention. You'll never be allowed to do things with other people without them, unless you want to admit that you're trying to cheat it find a way to leave them. Good luck, and don't say you weren't warned :-)

[DevilsAdvocator]

So you're not interested in exclusivity or commitment then?

[Opinion Owner]

I'm in an exclusive committed relationship, thank you. But I've been in relationship with someone that was possessive in the past. He didn't even allow me to go see my parents without him, and he would come check up on me at work at all the time. I couldn't go anywhere without him.

[Opinion Owner]

These people assume that if you do things with them, it's because you're cheating or trying to leave.

[Opinion Owner]

*do things without

[lumos]

Possessiveness is not cute. Possessive people tend to end up wanting to limit your interactions with other people, by using manipulation tactics and even sometimes going as far as demand that you give their phone. Someone being possessive is just a huge sign of them being insecure and thinking that they own you. It’s not romantic. It’s not adorable. It’s destructive and toxic, and the best way to get trapped in an unhappy relationship with someone who demands you to bend over backwards for them, and cut people out of your life for them.

[lumos]

You give them your phone*

[Logorithim]

Me personally, I don't do possessiveness on either side of the equation. That you want one, however defined, is your preference, but i think it gets old after awhile.

[riverplate7]

I can understand the feeling of validation that comes form having a possessive boyf. But in my experience there is a fine line and it can be dangerous. Most of the guys I've dated have been possessive and extremely jealous and its not long until they are trying to manipulate you and guilt trip you and become abusive (whether that be emotionally, mentally, or physically). I've come to recognize it as a sign of insecurity on their end.

A little jealous or possessiveness is ok. But its hard to not get sucked into the spiral.

However i can understand that it makes you feel valuable and wanted. And its can also make you feel sure that they will be loyal.

[Finchie40]

I think it's ok to be a little possessive and no it's not bad that u want that but u should be careful with someone that is too possessive if someone is too possessive then that means they don't trust u and u will get to a point that u will get sick of a guy treating u that way because you are a person you're not a slave best thing to do is find someone that wears your shoes like you wear theirs always make your partner your number 1 priority over everyone , so when it comes to decision making think how they would feel before u make a decision

[RedObsession]

I was the same, I wanted a possesive girlfriend. Maybe i thought it meant she would love me more, in the end having a possesive partner never really works out.

sorry to answer your question, yes I love being possessive too. I believe its immature though. There have been times where I would stop my girlfriend because I didn't want her to go places with other guys. In the end I realized I being possessive made me feel bad for holding her back and put a strain on our relationship because she didn't feel free.

[coralee]

I wouldn't say its bad, but I would say it's ill advised. Possessiveness in real life is very different then it is in books or movies. Trust is paramount in relationships and possessiveness is a distinct lack of trust. It's also a big red flag for other abusive behaviours. A little jealousy is okay provided he handles it well. He can be jealous as long as he recognizes that that his problem and not yours. But full on possessiveness is a huge issue.

[hammeronfire]

i dont think its inherently a bad thing
i get jealous a lot and i kinda hate that and yeah im a little possessive but i think that definitely stems from my own insecurities. i try not to be and to not blow little things up into what they aren't but it doesn't always work and i end up hurting other people or myself or both. im definitely not controlling though because i dont need to keep you from talking to people or control what you wear. im also really overprotective sometimes which i know comes from my mom being really overprotective of me. now i really overprotect my friends and family to the point where I've even been in a fight for someone else instead of for myself.

[Browneye57]

It's not bad, it's normal. Women want to feel protected, defended, cared for. It comes from cave man days where she selected the best suitor to protect her and her offspring from saber tooth tiger and roaming tribesmen. :)
It's also why they tend to like tall men, or at least taller than they are. And muscular. It's biological.

[jellyroo]

I think you like the concept of possessiveness, and if you actually had it it wouldn't be as fun anymore.
Could you elaborate on what exactly you mean by possessive?

[Manhart1999]

I agree with jelly.

[deric_97]

Possessiveness comes from insecurities. When men don't love himself enough. I kinda feel bad that you want a dude like that but okay.

[Asker]

I’d be possessive too. I’m already mentally possessive over crushes

[deric_97]

Well then you need to fix yourself too. But it's okay.

[Asker]

Why do you feel bad for me?

[deric_97]

Because you're insecure. But I don't know what are you insecure about, maybe rejection? I don't know but it's okay. Insecurity is just unattractive to me but it's not some terrible disease so it's fine.

[DevilsAdvocator]

If you're not possessive though, then there's literally no point of monogamy. Just because he'd prefer an exclusive, monogamous relationship doesn't mean that a man's insecure, or that he doesn't love himself enough. Not everyone's into open polygamous sexual relationships.

[deric_97]

Well, true. It just happens in most cases in my country that's all.

[MysteriousDarkness]

Possessive - jealously opposed to the personal independence of, or to any influence other than one's own upon, a child, spouse, etc.

They have trust issues. Do you really want someone that will at the least try to control the who, what, where, when, why and how of your life?

[haildecepticons]

It's not bad, it's actually quite natural for a girl wanting to be possessive. It makes them feel wanted all the time, but that may depend how jealous and how possessive the boyfriend is. Take things too abroad and it may turn out into one of the worst dates you can ever have!

[Repa33]

there's a cute sweet possessiveness and then there's the "i control who you talk to, what you wear, what you do" kind

[Asker]

I’m fine with both. I’m desperate for a boyfriend

[Repa33]

you're fine with a guy banning you from having friends, seeing your family, leaving the house and using social media? With him threatning violence?

[Asker]

That’s the price of finally getting someone to love me. I probably will never find anybody else

[Repa33]

Thats not love

[MysteriousDarkness]

@Masker that is control not love

[MysteriousDarkness]

@Asker

[kolver]

Honestly in my case whit aby girl like that i gona Fail because I dont like being like that at all... In my opinion a girlfriend is not a object to be like "NO, DONT LOOK AT HIM she's MINE" you know like a litle kid? Personally I dont want a girlfriend like that because I im not like that... in a Relation ship your not training a Dog or an animal your being whit a Mature man or women

[Dcm89]

Your perfectly normal because all women want to feel irreplaceable. Most women have grown up watching Disney movies and I think the idea of a man who loves us , only us and that no woman in the entire village can compare is deeply and subconsciously engrained in us because of these movies and we want that.

[Moonchild714]

I hate possessive guys. Nothing but trouble. Why do you want this? That is very concerning!!!

[ShortCircuit]

I want to be in a mutually possessive relationship. What I mean by that is that I favor strict boundaries, but I also want an equal partnership, so I think we should both hold each other to the same standards.

[UnstableCraft]

To be that way I mean I realize how damaging it can be to someone psyche even if it you don't want it so I recommend not putting yourself into one of those situations because it can be damaging even if you think you want it

[LovelessBirdy]

I think after a while of the relationship it can get a bit annoying but when your in a good mood it is really cute when they talk to you and be so protective just don't let him tell you who to talk to or what you can and can't do

[Anonymous]

There are different types of possessive boyfriends... some are possessive in a sweet, loving, caring way but then there are some who are possessive in a suffocating, ultimately violent way. I’ve experienced both and the latter is bloody scary!!

[Malefatale]

No - I like being dominant in the bedroom because it's fun for both of us. That's where it ends though.

Being possessive, or a "control-freak" naturally, isn't a positive thing to have on either side in a relationship. If you're attracted to that, you might dig a little deeper into the specifics of what you like about it - is it the submissiveness that goes along with it, the fact that he favors you over all others (through anger, possessiveness), what is it exactly?

[bubble_tea]

No you really don't. Possessive means also controlling.

[FinalVow]

not an abusive person so no I am not remotely possessive when I have a girlfriend as that is abusive.

[BeenShook]

How is that abusive?

[FinalVow]

@BeenShook possessive: demanding someone's total attention and love. relating to or denoting the case of nouns and pronouns expressing possession. here you go this is why it is abusive your welcome for furthering your education

[BeenShook]

And what's wrong with wanting your partners love? I understand you thinking it's excessive, but jumping straight to abuse

[Kiels01]

I agree with @finalvow.. Men with these traits tend to be insecure and the insecurity leads to abuse.

[BeenShook]

Whoa, hold up you can't link insecurity straight to abuse. Everyone is insecure about some shit or other

[Kiels01]

To be possessive requires a whole new level of insecurity. An unhealthy loathing of oneself that requires power over another to validate themselves.

[FinalVow]

@BeenShook there is a difference between wanting it and demanding it. that is what separates possessive from non-possessive. you asked how it was abusive well the dictionary definition of possessive is what I put there. That is what possessive means and looks like.

[Malita55]

No, as long as the possessiveness takes the form of wanting a monogamous relationship and not saying they can’t hang out with certain people

[orangeinme]

I do not like being possessive as you probably think of it. I will in a relationship, objectify my girl so she's my 'toy' or 'slave' depending on what she's into, but when we're not playing she's a grown ass woman and can do what she wants.

[lomimore]

No its not weird, i do not particulary want a possessive boyfriend but i don't mind if he is, its a turn on plus it shows he cares but some women say it can be toxic.

[Kelly_aleksandra]

No because possessive can show they care and show that they pay attention and lets face it everyone likes that whether you're male or female. but being overly possessive is clearly a problem :/

[Anonymous]

I always wanted one and when i did i realized it's only cute for a bit. Bc with that comes the need to control you and it's tiring

[devilish-cutie]

not bad, I prefer that myself, like clingy, passionate love is best! Dont listen to anyone who says thats bad!

[BenR1991]

If it's in a nice way ofcourse its not bad but if its possessive as in going through your phone, making you choose between him and your friends and family etc then that's not gonna end well.

[dandiecandie]

I would love a guy who is possessive infact they are the only ones i like. If he is not posssessive i dont think i can stay.

[HolyPrepuce]

I can be possessive to a point where it shows affection and love. Being overly possessive, where you restrict what a girl wants to do, because you are insecure... is simply pathetic to me.

[YavorM]

Everything is good if you don't take it too far, but I think it's good to be a little possessive

[AynonOMouse]

Possessiveness can be a way of showing they care. I like possessive girls too and that is why.

[Slangver]

I love having an over-protective boyfriend. There's nothing that makes me feel safer

[rmill121]

I'm kind of a control freak so that can come off as possessive. I'm the kind of person who does everything for themself, and I'm set in particular ways now.

[Northern_star]

i'm literally into the posessive and tempered girls, it feels nice,
and there are many more like this with this, u just have to look for someone liking it.

[alice55]

I don't think so, I also want a possessive boyfriend, it's cute and I would feel really loved *-*

[Anonymous]

yes... it is bad... you will get bored in time and will want more freedom... but when you have a little freedom from the start, you don't get bored

[Anonymous]

You are courting danger here. Many possessive people are psycho and unbelievably controlling. It might seem romantic in the beginning, but can become really dark soon thereafter...

[Cody_Cat]

No bc I’m a healthy and good relationship the girlfriend should be able to have full control over herself and also needs to feel safe

[chrisv]

No. Not at all.. it’s completely natural to me... because I want a possessive girlfriend. In fact, go crazy...

[motownplayer2000]

Not bad.. but most possessive men turn out too be abusive in nature... It's just the pattern they have.. so I would be very careful.

[Milli95]

I like them being possessive 😍, my current one is not a bit possessive

[bklynbadboy1]

Well the guys like to be or not most guys are Territorial and possessive when it comes to their girl so that's not out of the ordinary and it's nothing wrong with it if that's what you like

[TacosRAwesome]

Be careful what you wish for coz you just might get it.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

Yes it's not bad , i like girls who are possessive of their boyfriends.

[1nittol3arn]

A possessive boyfriend will treat you like an object... not like a person... you'll learn that eventually. You've got plenty of time.

[Dchrls78104]

It depends on how you define "possessive". These days, getting involved with a possessive person often means playing Russian roulette with your life!

[Anonymous]

I like it too as long as it comes from care and not from insecurity issues.

[Germanium]

Yeah, kinda like those moments in a TV show that the partner would hug onto your arm because they want you to stay with them or such. That's what I thought when I read this question xD

The little acts are cute as long as it's not the whole insecurity issue thing and rather them just wanting you closer to them for a bit more.

[RamptUp]

No, clingy people are annoying. It can be nice... at first, but it gets old sooner than you think

[SilverRain92]

I think that you don't need a possessive boyfriend, you just need a boyfriend who would truly love you.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends how possessive. I don’t think a controlling relationship is healthy.

[tutunkommon]

Its not bad to want anything unless its just too much

[GreatnessBack]

If it makes you happy and is not abusive, then go for it.

[davidckuhn]

I will do anything for my girl, I would protect her and claim her as mine

[Myrdices]

I'm not possessive but I'm definitely super over protective and a bit doting sometimes

[TallGuy96]

No, i can understand why you want that, because i want a possessive girlfriend myself too.

[Harshad70]

I wish I had girlfriend like you! Most my break ups happened because I was too possessive.

[boomboomtown01]

i can adjust my take for the right person that i like and love.

[Sigvald]

isn't that what most girls want anyway? Nothing new.

[Germanium]

I thought it was something guys wanted.

Especially since that time when an anime called Future Diary was popular during that period. Everyone wanted a psychotic, possessive lover. Then again, the main demographic were inexperienced teens.