Was I too harsh on him (texts included) or did I express myself correctly?

[Anonymous]

So back story, I was dating this guy for a month. He was gone for a week for work training, which I understood and I assumed once he got back he would want to spend time with me, he didn’t. I hinted I wanted to see him because quality time is important to me. He said no because he had moved into a new apartment and needed a few more days to unpack. I was upset he said he couldn’t see me at all. I was putting so much effort and time into him I felt like it wasn’t reciprocated. I told him my feelings nicely but he still didn’t understand my side at all. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t take my feelings into account so before we got too attached I ended it. I didn’t want to feel like I was putting in all the work. He said it bothered him I ended things with him. He has still been randomly texting me since then, last Sunday, last night he said he hopes we can see each other soon. I didn’t want to see him at all. He hadn’t said sorry or apologized for his short comings at all. I finally let my true feelings out which are in the texts. Are my feelings valid? I’m in blue, he’s the white

Updates

+1 y

I started to feel like a convenience to him. Every time he wanted to see me I was there. I was always going to see him at his apartment, going out of my way to see him when he wanted me there. This one time when I wanted to see him, he was unavailable to me. I don’t think I was asking for much after we hadn’t seen each other for a week.

[JoyKJ7]

I think this argument is/was unnecessary and pretty childish. You guys are dating for a month! Quality time is nice but come on, people have lives too. You can’t expect a grown person to throw their priorities (like move into their home) aside for a girl. I believe that people have to earn being a priority. You’re in the beginning stages of dating, obviously you guys don’t love each other and are just vibing each other out. You blew it out of proportion and the fact that he’s trying after you were insensitive and made it about yourself. This whole time, all I read was about you you you. You wanted to see him. You got mad. You broke it off. You want an apology. Yet in the same breath you’re saying that He is not putting effort when he clearly went out of his way to clear things up with you. You’re right, there should be boundaries and limits. He shouldn’t take you for granted. So make yourself unavailable as well. He didn’t say he was partying with friends. He was moving into his apartment. You could’ve even offered to help him... instead you got mad and threw fit because you didn’t get what you wanted.

[Asker]

He wasn’t trying like you think he was. He had already told me before this he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me anymore and when he told me that, I left him alone. He texted me this 2 days later saying he hopes we can see each other and that’s why I told him no. I’m not someone who stays in contact with their ex. And he is that kind of person. I didn’t want to see him at all. I cut people off when we break up, that’s how I get over it. I didn’t understand why he was still texting me

[JoyKJ7]

I mean to each their own. If you are done with him then block him. That way even if he does text, it won’t get through.

[Wonderer89]

You actually sound all kinds of crazy in those... I genuinely can’t beleive he kept trying as long as he did.
You keep saying that quality time is important to YOU and that he’s failing in that, but I think you’re failing to see he had something else going on that HE felt needed to take precedence. I hate having people in my home when it’s a mess, I just won’t do it until it’s my version of perfect. He wasn’t asking for forever, it was a few measly days and it looked like he still tried to keep up the communication with you.
Given this was a relatively new relationship and not years into commitment your reaction and expectation is really over the top - the text messages are just reaffirming that crazy

[debi2622]

From reading it all, seems you both handled the relationship and breakup wrong. You went for the attack, putting him on the defensive. Could be in his mind he was giving what he could, and your expectations where beyond what he was giving. At what point did you tell him that you would like to talk face to face, as you are concerned about your relationship? Seems you made decisions that could have been inaccurate assumptions. Maybe they were right. But you never rationally discussed them, giving him an opportunity to figure it out and step it up. Sometimes timing is a bitch and you all could have been victims of that.

[jennifer_bloom]

He didn't do anything wrong. He was too busy to see you and you were too impatient to wait until his schedule clears up. You had a right to break up with him but he also had a right to wait until he had more free time before arranging to meet you. He has nothing to apologize for because he did nothing wrong. If you were tired and sleep deprived - would you want a guy who forces you to see him simply because he thinks his needs are more important than yours?

[Asker]

I was tired and sleepy and I still went to get him from the airport at midnight. He could have spared some time for me if he wanted to.

[Asker]

Relationships are actually putting your partners needs before yours. That’s how they work, selfless acts

[jennifer_bloom]

The bible says to love your neighbour as you love yourself - it does not say to love your neighbour MORE than you love yourself. Jesus accepted worship from his followers because he knew he deserved it. Everybody has the right to rest when they are tired because they deserve to rest.

[Asker]

Well I guess in that logic I was giving too much of myself when he wasn’t doing that for me. I just felt like a convenience for him when he had time for me. He was never around when I wanted to see him.

[Yawn_Yawn]

Yeah. I think you're incredibly self-centered and the weak-willed guy is better off without you. He'd be best if he grew some balls cut this travesty off before you dragged him all over like a cheetah with a dead carcass, but then again not very many women are as psycho as you are, so, chances are, he will be much better off with almost anyone else.

[Asker]

This was after we broke up. I wasn’t trying to be mean to him but he wouldn’t leave me alone which I didn’t understand.

[Yawn_Yawn]

Super. That's not what I read in those texts and in your summary, but I'm just glad to hear that he is away from you. :)

[Asker]

We’ll see how long that lasts. He still texts me

[Yawn_Yawn]

Why? You don't even want him.

[Asker]

I honestly just wanted him to put in the same effort I was. I was always traveling to go see him multiple times a week and the time I wanted him to come to me he told me no.

[Yawn_Yawn]

Yawn...

[HornetS]

You definitely over-reacted and you come of a little crazy.

Of course moving in and unpacking is going to be his priority! Just reverse the roles. If you just moved and had boxes everywhere you would want to get rid of them ASAP.
You could always have offered to help him unpack, that way you could have seen him as well.

[Asker]

Actually I had just moved too and I still made time for him. I picked him up from the airport. It wasn’t impossible for him to just see me for a bit

[HornetS]

Still, I don't see why you couldn't go a few days without seeing him.

[Asker]

Like I said in my post, quality time is important to me. We had just gone a week without seeing each other. I made him a priority when he didn’t do the same for me. Why would a want to continue a relationship like that? It was one sided so early on.

[HornetS]

I'm not going to lie, I would've done the same as him.
Sure quality time is important, but if I have something that needs to be done, I'm going to do that first, then we can spend time together.
And if my girlfriend threatens to leave me because of that, it just makes me thinks she's way too high maintenance and will come with a lot of drama.
Obviously I don't know the whole story about your relationship, but from what you've said, I agree with your ex.

[JoyKJ7]

Omg gold trophy! Exactly what I said. I think the argument was so unnecessary

[Anonymous]

Stay strong girl. My ex was a lot like this. Never really did anything wrong, but the little things added up. I always made time for him, but he never really reciprocated. Turned out he was cheating. While your guy probably wasn't doing this, it sounds like he really wasn't invested in the relationship as much as you were. Don't let him turn the tables on you. He's only freaking out now because he realizes he was taking you for granted, and he's trying to save face by acting like you were being unsupportive. The thing is you sound like you were very supportive. Giving into him is just going to lead to a dangerous cycle. Maintain your self worth and don't give into this guy - you deserve way better.

[Asker]

Finally someone who understands my side perfectly.

[Anonymous]

I would say if you know what you're looking for and he wasn't on the same page as you it can be hard to make a relationship work like that regardless. People can change of course but most usually like to stay who they are (I sure do). I would say you made the right call based on what you are looking for at this moment. Maybe since he was moving here wanted some time to relax and enjoy his own space while moving in, but that was what he wanted. Maybe now here's had time to make himself comfortable with how his place looks and is all settled in he's ready to focus on you but that's a decision for you to make if you want to continue. As others have said there seems to be more backstory to this. Best of luck

[Joshy651]

You dont have feelings for him and your mad yet you still fight with him? This doesn't make sense. My ex i cut off all ties and dont talk to her. I blocked her on everything. You obviously want him as a friend but you say otherwise.

[Asker]

He kept reaching out to me because I guess he assumed I would still want to be his friend. I didn’t tell him this until today that I don’t want to see him at all. We will see if he takes this seriously. Honestly I still have feelings for him but I feel like he can’t give me what I want. But the way I get over people I completely cut them off

[Joshy651]

You think he deserves a second chance? You gave him a month which is a very short time minus the time he was away and trying to do the moving stuff.

[Asker]

I talked to him about it a few days ago but he said he’s not sure about me because I broke up with him “too easily”. Since he’s not sure I’m not waiting around.

[Joshy651]

Its totally your call but i think he should be able to make it up as people still deserve a second chance and both of you were busy.

[Asker]

At this point it feels like he doesn’t want to

[Joshy651]

I don't know the whole story. I get the feeling that sometimes men put more effort into the relationship than women do. Just do what your heart feels is the right thing.

[Drumlin2001]

Seems like there's a whole lot more to the back story. Ultimately dosent matter. It's in your past, move on

[Asker]

Well hopefully he won’t be texting me anymore since I told him I didn’t want to see him. I don’t stay friends with exes and I think he does

[Anonymous]

You totally started the conversation in a provocative manner so it yeah I believe you were too harsh.

[Asker]

I did because he didn’t leave me alone. I don’t stay in contact with exes but he was persistent

[Opinion Owner]

Well from your update it looks like you broke up with him because there was one time he couldn't see you and that's like a huge deal or something. Probably had something important to so. Also he mentioned he tried for months. Months to contact you? Looks like he was trying to me.

[Asker]

We weren’t together then. It’s a long story but that wasn’t part of our relationship. We didn’t actually meet until the beginning of June

[Opinion Owner]

Okay so he tried for months to get with you. It happened, then you guys got together, and then you dumped him because he could see you for one time.

[Opinion Owner]

Oh wait he said no because he was unpacking!!! You broke up with him for that! That's crazy. Instead of dumping him for wanting to get his house together you could have offered to help him with the unpacking. sounds like quality time to me

[Asker]

I didn’t dump him for that. He didn’t under the reason either even though I spelled it out for him. Like every detail.

[Opinion Owner]

What did you say to him.

[Asker]

Basically that I felt neglected and unimportant. I felt like a convenience for him and I only got to see him on his terms. Never because I wanted to see him. I always traveled to him when he wanted to see me. I felt it was very one sided

[Opinion Owner]

how far apart did you guys live? Also did he move closer to you?

[Asker]

I would travel 20 miles to see him about 3 times a week. He only came to see me once.

[Opinion Owner]

What was his work schedule like

[Opinion Owner]

also did he move closer to you?

[Asker]

Regular day job. We live a little closer now. It would have been easier on him honestly than it was on me

[Opinion Owner]

What was his job? I'm not asking this stuff randomly these are details that are very helpful

[Opinion Owner]

Did you have a job with more or less hours? Or a more flexible schedule?