Is it better to be picky when dating or open minded? Why?

[Anonymous]

Do you think its better to go into dating knowing what you want in a partner, what your deal breakers and compatibility points are?

Or do you think its better to be very open and willing to try dating anyone with whom you share chemistry and connection?

And explain why please :)

I tend to feel like being picky saves a lot of time and grief when issues come up later that just can't be reconciled. Seems smarter to know yourself and your values and preferences, as well as what you feel comfortable compromising on, and go into dating looking for someone who seems compatible overall. But a lot of people say open minded is better because you can date more people... Thoughts?

[Xoxocutekitty]

I would say its fine going in picky about how you want to be treated, but you shouldn't be picky about the person's background, meeting physical criteria, or completely inflexible about ALL of your values. It's very easy to find "masters student, 5' 8" or above, middle to upper class, likes dogs, has dark hair on dating site." but when people say things like "i want someone I can trust, someone loyal, someone who doesn't cheat, people hardly look into themselves and think, well what does someone have to do for me to trust them, do i have trust issues, if i dont consider looking cheating then why am i insecure, and why am i unable to communicate this to my partner? what i'm saying the "larger values" such as trust, fidelity, and honesty etc are usually 33% how you define it, 33% how your partner defines it, and 33% of how you come together to agree on your own definition.
so going into a relationship with many Absolutes, and an inability to want to connect or accept someone else's definition isn't going to be sustainable, unless you literally date yourself. which i guess is fine, but then it'll be really hard to grow yourself and even more devastating if your partner grows without you.

[Anonymous]

First and foremost be picky. I’m not saying to eliminate all men who don’t fit a certain look. But you need to weed out the men who are obviously wrong for you. Whatever your personal “dealbreakers” are, you should know and enforce them early on. Don’t ignore red flags and don’t go into dating with a mindset that you should change who they are. Either accept him as is or move on. Then once you get to know the person and their interests, be open minded in at least trying what they like to do or eat. Maybe you will discover a new favorite place to eat or be introduced to a new favorite hobby.

[Kurαȷ]

I don't see the point in being with someone who is anything short of perfect.
I'm not in business of finding "a relationship", I'm in business of finding the most fulfilling relationship I could possibly have, so anything short of that is just a waste of my time.

[Asker]

Perfect? Damn, I thought I was bad lol

[Kurαȷ]

Well, in the things that matter, I guess.
If they like a kind of vegetable that I dislike, that's ok with me!

[Anonymous]

Attraction and love have NO/ZERO logic so even when you go in with the preconceived notion to be picky or open minded... you’ll fall for who you fall for... and 9/10 that causes you to throw away the rule book savvy?

[Asker]

I hear you, but nope. However, that meme lol

[StingRayxoxo]

Keep values strong but be open minded about the rest.

[The1Guy]

I think there's a line between these two extremes, that I'd rather choose.

If you're not picky at all, that you will inevitably fall pray to your hormones and you will keep finding out, that your partner doesn't meet your requirements as soon as the hormones fade.

If you are too picky, you will look for things, that socuety has told you that should be there, and they are usually very shallow.

Even if you think you know what you want and no one told you, you are lying to yourself. You always carry cliches in your head avout a perfect partner, that you may not be aware of untill you actually get what you thought you wanted.

Despite being picky, you have to stay true to yourself and that's a hard thing to do.

To recognise your own cliches and be able to follow your heart for what it truly wants you need to really be at peace with who you are and where you come from. Because when looking for a stable and fitting partner with whom you can spend your entire life with, it most often will turn out, that something familiar is best, something similar to what you had growing up as a child.

[AriesMan]

You actually need to be both and here is why.

First, you have to set realistic standards when being picky. If you go into a date being too picky you will pretty much end up writing someone off without giving them a real chance to see if you both can be compatible; I used to do this a lot when I was younger. It is not that hard for the person you are dating to end up triggering your deal breaker when you have ridiculous standards by being too picky! How do you remedy being too picky? You have to be open minded and give it a chance! Now, you don't want to be too open minded to the point where you throw away any previous standards you had!

Sure, you may think you have "chemistry" with someone, anyone, when really it may just be a short attraction be-it psychological stimulation from a conversation or be-it physical attraction! You need more to go on than these short moments which is why you need to date in the first place and try out different atmospheres and situations to see if both your psychological and physical attraction continue. Otherwise, it is a dead fish by then and why bother forcing to happen what isn't and will likely not happen?

You want to have standards and it is okay to be picky! For me, I need some physical attraction, I know what I like and what I don't and it's not fair to her if I pretend she turns me on from the first date just to be polite and nice. Then, psychologically, I need someone who can work with shyness, who wants a serious committed relationship and someone who longs to be the object of my affection and desire. So, while you don't want to limit yourself too much by setting standards, you really do need to give someone, to give others, a real chance. You might be surprised when you do have chemistry yet a deal breaker was initiated prior. No relationship is going to be perfect and they all are going to require work anyways! Being firm and being too picky isn't good policy for compromise either, is it?

[winterfox10]

So many people abuse the concept of standards... never compromise on standards, just figure out what they actually are. The advice I once heard was to figure out what your absolute musts actually are, and then what your "wants" actually are. What most people find is that most of their standards are actually wants, which means that what they have a wish list, not standards. For the purpose of dating, you find someone with all of your musts, and at least half of your wants. I would challenge you to actually write down what you are looking for in a man, because you might shock yourself by how specific that person actually is. I supposedly lowered my standards once I realized how unrealistic they actually were.

A lot of people don't actually know what a standard is. A standard, by definition, is the minimum acceptable point for which something can be considered. A standard, is that everyone ought to brush their teeth, but visiting the dentist twice a year isn't something most people can afford to do, which makes it a want. You wouldn't not date a gorgeous, funny, charming guy because he only visited the dentist once per year, right? You would be totally justified in not dating someone because they didn't brush their teeth.

One way to think about it is that in law we tell people what they cannot do instead of what they should do, because the law is meant to be a standard code of behavior, and not everyone has the ability to be a model citizen, but everyone has the ability to not steal and kill people. That's why it is a standard, it is the bare minimum that someone should be able to do.

Absolutely never compromise on the musts, but shoot for at least half of the wish list.

[ChurchOfIron]

I think generally, for females, it's better to be a little open minded. And I think for males, it's generally better to be a bit more picky. Because women's standards tend to be a bit too high; and, male standards tend to be a bit too low.

I also think that being picky, you're thinking with your frontal lobe. And that's not the part of the brain that is responsible for attraction. So, one would think "I want this, this, and this; and, I won't accept this, this, or this."

Like. Thinking vs feeling. I think the only way you can know for sure is by taking action, then examining how you feel about it, rather than thinking about it and destroying all potential before it begins.

And, I think being too open-minded, you're thinking with an entirely different body part.

But, like everything, I think balance is necessary. A good moderation. Forcing yourself to be somewhat open-minded, and also somewhat picky, but not letting either overpower your decision completely.

[cookiiee]

I have 2 best friends. Since we were highschool one had more girls than the other. Of course one was picky and one was not at all. The picky one had a girlfriend who ended up leaving him, he had no right to be picky cause he wasn't quite a model. While non-picky one had a lot of women, has a good amount of sexual expirience, but was with some pretty ugly women and was single. Neither of them have regrets. I guess it is your choice.

Most of the time guys don't even have the right to be picky. Having standards is good, but still... don't miss the possibilities to have wonderful expiriences

[angelin]

I feel it’s important to know what you need and want. To know your standards of course. But to wait for your exact list of things to come around is limiting. If it was online dating I wouldn’t have given my partner the time of day based on my standards and what I would have felt I needed and wanted but I just knew he was the one for me pretty quickly and we met in person I gave a chance, proceeded with caution to make sure we were compatible and so glad I did. We think we are meant to be and fit well in love.

[juliascone]

I think being open minded is important but knowing your preferences is too. Having preferences doesn’t necessarily mean that your picky. Say for example you know that you want a partner with a stable financial situation because maybe you want kids, dating someone unemployed and in extreme debt may not be the one for you.

[Anonymous]

Women are naturally more picky than men. They want someone to protect them and the baby.

Anyway there is a difference between entitlement and what you deserve. What you really deserve is someone like you. They don’t have to be exactly the same but when all considered they should boil down to what you are.

Is a gold digger on par with the rich guy she’s dating? Fuck no. She just has a fading asset (looks) where the guy likely has something he worked hard for.

Does an abusive guy deserve a nice girl? No he too had a surface asset (women mistake his aggression as masculinity). Although like the gold digger victim she too is an idiot to go along with him. But it won’t last (hopefully)

When it comes down to it, would you date yourself?

[Presidentee]

You are a wise man. Can I have you?

[Opinion Owner]

@Presidentee just added you ;)

[Asker]

Eh, I hear you but... You dont know what the gold digger offers aside from her looks. Looks are a major part of it, but I doubt he only values her for looks when he marries her. I've known couples like that. Anyway, I generally agree, somewhat. I think Id phrase it as compatible values and worldviews. Whether or not material assets need to align is up to the couple. Ironically, while people don't like the woman who is a "gold digger," they also tell women who end up earning more than most men that she needs to lower her standards. She has to battle inferiority complexes in most men and then faces critique on looking for men who make at least as much as she does

Im not sure it makes logical sense to look for myself in a partner, but I do fall into that habit. It feels a bit narcissistic at times and tends to exclude a lot of guys. I've even had people tell me I shouldn't hold most guys up to the same standards that I hold for myself. But ideally I would like to find someone compatible.

[Opinion Owner]

Depending what our self esteem is, we tend look at ourselves in the most rosiest glasses possible. It’s an honest assessment we need.

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty open-minded about who I'll date, but she has to nice to me.
I prefer to be open-minded because they say our fantasies are the biggest things holding us back from finding happiness.
I also believe that sometimes opposites attract and a lot of people don't really know what they want until they find it.
Plus some people are fake as hell so even if I think she has everything I ever wanted she could turn out to be a total fraud, it's happened before.
Now I just let love come to me honestly.
I've had better luck responding to random women who are interested than when I would chase women.

[JustinAnOmAlY]

It's always important to have boundaries and values and not to compromise them to be with somebody. However, I've met some girls who were very attractive, until I got to know a little about them, and the exact opposite. Girls who I wasn't immediately attracted to who seemed a lot cuter after I found out what a great personality they had. My point is yes, you should be picky, but don't ever count someone out for something superficial.

[slatyb]

What's important to you? Some deal breakers are perfectly reasonable -- you want a non-smoker who is religiously compatible, has compatible goals in life (e. g. wants/does not want children), is enjoyable to be with, sexually compatible, has a job, etc. is fine. But if you are waiting for a guy who is at least 6-2, makes $200K/year, has blue eyes and dark hair, you might be waiting a long time.

[NatashaJ]

Picky especially if your nice and help people out regularly without asking for anything in return, there's a lot of people who take advantage of that and don't feel sorry if you ended up hurt that they used you even with friends be picky who yo let in your life.

[FlyingHorses]

I think you need to figure out what's important to you! Like significant things that really matter in terms of you working as a couple and stick to those! You can be open minded with the other stuff! Height and weight, etc don't really matter in the long run!

[arcanemontane]

When it comes to looks, I'm open minded. Don't get me wrong, I wish I could find a Leonardo DiCaprio look alike, but I'm in no state to be picky.

Personality is where I'm fussy. If someone has a sense of humor that makes me cringe, it's a massive deal breaker. It shouldn't be, but I can't help it.

[ROCKS128]

Being picky will be difficult.
We dont get all choices in a single person.
But we can surely avoid some who we are confident that aren't good or adjustable.

Also open minded means we may fall for traps and regret it. And same could happen for our partner.

Its a mix of both appropriately.
Being on either end is not good when relationship proceeds.
Some may have luck though.

[JoeSchmo123]

Bit of both. It's important to stick to what you believe strongly on, but compromise can also be a possibility. If you feel strongly against smokers, you probably shouldn't look into them in the first place. However, if you found someone that was perfect and they smoked, you may reconsider slightly or you may ask them if they've considered quitting. You shouldn't want to change people, but it's not unusual to come to some compromise in a relationship.

[Factshurt90]

Know what you want! The look of your partner should have some wiggle room, but overlooking your red flags list is a no no. Wasting everyone’s time is just stupid.

[princessfromjupiter]

“Or do you think its better to be very open and willing to try dating anyone with whom you share chemistry and connection?”

Given that I’ve had chemistry and connection with exactly 2 people in my entire life I don’t think I can afford to let the next one go so easily 😂

[Mexicoman101]

I think being picky is the perfect way to isolate yourself and be alone. That being said, the dangers of being too open can mean time wasted and suffering a lot of abuse. I think people know what is superficial and what is a reasonable boundary in terms of standards.