Why Am I Not Interested In a Relationship?

[bella1492]

I find guys attractive, & im definitely not an asexual or aromantic, but whenever a guy shows interest I just can't bring myself to take it to the next level. Physical acts of affection and just romantic crap in general make me feel uncomfortable & corny. I don't know why I feel this way because I've always been wanting a relationship.

Updates

+1 y

when I say physical acts of affection I also mean hugs, kisses, & saying "i love you's" , all of that makes me feel disgusting lol, maybe I'll just die alone

Updates

+1 y

Also, I'd like to add that I am very shy & closed up around guys, to the point where I seem really rude when I'm just shy. However I am perfectly fine around girls & I am able to make quick friendships with them.

[SteveSmith1985]

Hi, It sounds lilke maybe what you're experiencing is related to a fear of intimacy.

Are you able to 'be vulnerable' with other people (family members, close friends, etc) or would you describe yourself as someone who sort of "keeps her guard up" in general

Who is the very closest person to you in your life? Does that person really know the true "you"... or is there still a fair bit you keep just for yourself?

Also, what was your family life like growing up? You don't have to go into details, but "Good family close family" or whatever it is enough detail.

May I ask if you've been attracted to anyone before (even if you didn't want a relationship)? Like have you had the "feelings" of attraction (either sexual or emotional)

I understand that you find the sort of public displays of affection "hugging, kissing, etc" corny. Is that because the thought of you doing these things yourself is sort of 'embarrassing' for you? Or is it more a matter of not being able to APPRECIATE how something like a kiss (which, is weird as hell, frankly), is meant as AN EXPRESSION OF THE EMOTION?

Lastly, what are your thoughts on sex? Does the thought of having sex with a guy elicit the same response as hugging or kissing? If not how do you feel about sex? Do you ever have sexual fantasies? (a simple yes/no will suffice)

You're welcome to pm me if you'd prefer. Either way :)

[bella1492]

To answer your questions
-I would describe my relationships with the people in my life as being "surface-level" in that I don't really discuss "deep" emotional topics much
-I can't really think of someone I am the closest to, because, frankly, I act differently around different people (I would never act the same way I act w my friends around my parents or family)
-My family life is stable & "good", however I have never displayed affection for them (i don't mind hugs but i really hate kisses on the cheek)
-I've been attracted to several people throughout my life , actually quite a lot, including sexual attraction but I'm not sure about emotional attraction, as I have never gotten to know them
-To be honest, I just cringe at the idea of any physical display of affection whether it be private or public, I just really despise it, & it makes me uncomfortable
-I've had sexual fantasies, so I don't know why it makes me feel uncomfortable to even hug/kiss a person

[SteveSmith1985]

Interesting. Let me also mention, i'm absolutely not trained in ANY way.

It does sound to me though that it's almost certainly "a fear of intimacy".

That seems to be sort of the common thread I'm seeing in what you've just told me. So there's sexual desire, but only for men who you don't know. SO although I don't really know anything at all about 'asexuality' I believe that this disqualifies you from that (as you said yourself). But that's the 'normal' sexual desires you'd expect, but specifically for those who are as far from intimate as could be (strangers).

You mentioned that the PHYSICAL parts of family affection make you uncomfortable, but at the same time, have a good and positive relationship with your family. So the affection is there, but you don't need the physical showing of it to "feel it". WHether or not that point means anything... I really don't know.

The two most 'revealing' points were the "surface-level" relationships. As for acting different around parents, vs friends or some other group of people, is totally normal. As long as you're basically "the same person" around different groups of friends.

Finally, not being able to identify anyone who you had ever felt especially close to seems to suggest that it's not just most, but all of your relationships are "surface-level".

All of that, to me, sounds like it's definitely a "fear of intimacy".

So as I understand it, that can be "a thing" on its own, or it can be one 'symptom' of some broader mental/emotional affliction.

I would guess it's probably a 'simple' fear of intimacy... unless you've had a past experience which
you know might be affecting this, I would say... yea... you've got a "fear of intimacy"

I'd say it's a "textbook case" of Fear of Intimacy (please note; I have read zero textbooks about this).

[SteveSmith1985]

Ok great so now what? That is the question. You have my amateur diagnosis... now what can you do about it?

Honestly, your very best bet BY FAR (if it's practical) would be to make an appointment with a psychologist or psychiatrist. If that's not (economically) practical, then therapy or any sort (usually a "counsellor" of some sort). That's really what you need to look into if you're serious about doing something about this.

If you aren't ready/able to do that, then do some research on your own about the PSYCHOIOGICAL CONDITION "fear of intimacy"... NOT just fear of intimacy in general. And make sure you have good sources (stay the hell off YouTube) What you have going on is deeper than that. It's very much a "work it through with a trained professional" type of condition. Look into:"Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" (CBT) which I would imagine is the clinical approach used to help someone in your position.

[Gatman34]

Relationships are stupid a lot of people feel the same as you

[chrissykerdock]

be willing to give blowjobs and wear short dresses/skirts... no one says you have to give anal and coitus sex is very personal so no one is asking you to do that until the relationship is serious

[bella1492]

not just that, even hugs gross me out for some reason

[bannacookies]

It's all gross anyways.

[sahitskya]

I'm with you 100%