Smart girl, Sydney. I tell this to people ALL the time, especially when it comes to relationships / love / matters of the "heart". Things appear confusing when they're really not, and it's almost ALWAYS a case of not wanting to face the truth. Example:
A girl starts dating a guy when she's 21, he's 23. They hit it off hot and heavy, the "L" word flies around freely, and things go great for a couple/three years. Marriage was discussed as something they both wanted, but in the "future". Another year goes by and now she's 24-25, he's 26-27. She wants to start a family NOW. She says "you say you love me, and want a family, but you haven't asked me to marry you or even to get engaged". He says "I'm just not ready, but I DO love you, and 'want you' ". You say " what does 'want me' mean? Want to marry me? Have kids? " He says " I don't know, it means I don't want to lose you".
Sound all too familiar? So now she is forced to make the statement, pose the question and make a choice: "I want kids now, while I'm young. You said you wanted this. Do you want to get married right NOW and have a family, yes or no?" He says, " I do, BUT..." The "BUT" doesn't matter - because it's not YES. If it's not YES, it's "no". "Maybe" isn't yes, "I need more time" isn't yes, "I'm not sure anymore" certainly isn't yes. Only "YES, let's do it, I want it too, is yes."
This is when the girl either rationalizes that she loves him, I've put in THIS much time so I'll give him more, or she leaves. All the fears about failure, and wasted time, come up. I don't have statistics on how many stay and wait and the same thing comes up again and again and she turns 30, and is freaking out. I won't even guess, but I'd wager it happens far too often.
Mixed messages are a bad sign, and they don't mean "yes", they mean "no".
That’s not a mixed message lol that’s just passive aggressive non committed person.. I mean uncertainty can last for many reasons weeks maybe months, but YEARS ~~ no way lol
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A mixed message is when you are not dating and you ask someone how they feel about you and they pause or avoid answering, but then still act as if they really like you
@VIVANT That TOO, is a mixed message... but you can not justify saying " JUST a passive aggressive non committed person.. " is not also giving you a mixed message! It's a more intense mixed message, for sure, but it's still a big one.
Hmm yes I see.. I really actually just meant that as I see it, mixed messages are when you can’t communicate and are left to guess, such as initial dating period.
Once you are in a real relationship and communication is basic fundamental part of the relationship, I dont see it as mixed message. The message is clear. It’s only mixed if it’s ambiguous. A person you are supposed to marry, is just avoiding marriage.
But you’re right thats my opinion and it doesn’t mean other people feel that way.
To me mixed messages don’t exist once you are dating. It’s something you experience prior to being shoe to fully communicate bc you Dk if they want to even date you.
Adults Should be able to talk things out once together. So I do see mixed message as simply manipulative or indifferent at that point.
If someone I’m committed to is playing Games , that’s clear.
Whereas if you just met someone you really Dk if they are playing Games or just uncertain.
Whereas many people jump too quick to assume it’s a Game in the beginning but hold on too long to b s once it’s begun.
in my opinion once you have communicated very clearly how you feel what you want, any confusing communication is intentional. Bc there’s no excuse for it.
@VIVANT I understand your point that a mixed message is more apt to occur in the courting process, or dating process, when you don't understand one another well as yet. I see that point clearly. But I don't quite understand this - " once you have communicated very clearly how you feel what you want, any confusing communication is intentional. Bc there’s no excuse for it." I don't think, even in a relationship, that all communications "sink in" with the other person, even though YOU believe you've communicated very clearly.
you are both correct lol... just two different stages. if both not on the same page, things will get messed up regardless of the term. Someone has to make a decission otherwise, their will be resentment/hurt feeling on one end. Don't we wish things are more simple?
I'm starting to feel like anything can mean anything with women. Like I had a woman, just a few weeks ago, tell me that she wanted me to pursue her, despite the fact that she spent a month and a half acting super uncomfortable around me and never wanting to be alone with me. I had another woman tell me that she didn't know what the future held, but knew that she wanted me in it, and then tell me that I was making "us" up in my head for a year. I had a 3rd woman tell me that she was grateful to have me in her life and that she felt blessed we met. One night she invited me out to a nightclub to meet her girlfriends, and then effectively ghosts me in the club. When I find her (after the better part of an hour after she left to go use the bathroom), I find her talking to another guy, and her girlfriends (whom I've never met before) are staring daggers at me.
Objectively, I think mixed signals are a NO, but I'll be the first to admit that it can be hard to see them as mixed signals when you're in the middle of it. I know that I have personally excused away mixed signals in the past, but I'm dating a guy now who makes plans in advance, keeps in touch on a regular basis, and remembers random little things about me that I didn't even remember telling him. They say hindsight is 20/20, but my current experience makes all of my past experiences with the mixed signal guys suddenly seem crystal clear.
I notice that I remember things my girlfriend told me in the first few weeks of dating only once, I just felt this was the case with everyone, after all she's my first girlfriend.
I mean I would say yes mixed signals are no signals. I hate indecision a lot of times because I’m a person if you’re not showing me after I made myself clear, I’ll take it as the person doesn’t like me. So I’ll leave him alone. I’m aware that there are painfully shy anxiety filled guys out here sometimes it’s hard for them. Damnit it Never killed anyone to send I Hi how’re you text every once in awhile or talk about why you ignored me or whatever.
It's quite possible you didn't make your interest clear. Let's say you keep sneaking glances. We may not catch you doing that. The point of sneaking glances is si nobody knows you're doing it. Let's say you laugh at a stupid joke. A lot if people do, that is the main reason it's funny.
I just speak my mind and ask for clarification. That mind reading stuff is for high school. If a woman can’t communicate to me like an adult then she’s not mature enough for me. I do my best to give what I want. So healthy communication is always a must when I’m dating.
um... not always. mixed signals are a sign but what do they mean? I think if explored the mixed signals might find something underneath. mixed signals are emotions... maybe fears from the past, doubts based upon false assumptions, and personal shame and worthiness.
Clear signals though are much bette and a sign of health. Then again, those clear signals may have a wolf underneath that sheep outfit!!!
I agree with Lightbulb27. Nothing is ever black and white and simple when it comes to dating, and that line is blurred even more as you get older. Dating becomes more of a challenge and you have real adult expectations. Sometimes you meet people that have attachment issues and keep everyone at a distance. Being newly single, feelings of un-worthiness all come up. I guess it would depend on how often the mixed signals happen and the types of mixed signals they do.
It's too easy for a woman to play games and as such unless it's a clear yes then it had to be a no.
It's too easy for a woman to drop signals that a man should approach and when that man does she can then turn around and say that she wasn't giving any signals. Of course that can be true and he's misread those signals, and that's the problem mixed signals are exactly that.
They are a mental game for which women can play and do so for their own ego, where they can and often do drop. hints to get somebody to approach and then turn that person away, doing so in such a manner as to assign labels to that man, those labels can be anything from creep to going full blown metoo causing untold damage to that man.
In short then men should and must take mixed signals as a mental. abuse game played most often by women and either take it that it's a no or take it for the abuse that it is and decide themselves to stay away from that woman.
Correct, it means a no. That is their answer. The indecisiviness is that, they already made a decission. I learned the hard way and learned to gurard my heart. When a man wanted me, it was very clear and that created the loving feeling as a happy couple.
Definitely. Learned it first hand. If someone truly cares about you AND they are willing and able to give you their love they will do it. Maybe the person really does love you, but if they aren’t showing it consistently you need to move on. Everyone deserves to find someone who treats them as a priority.
Mixed signals aren't always a No, if yiu start taking all mixed signals as know you will turn out to be one pessimistic person. Mixed signals can come because of various factors. If it's in Dating , it could just that he is a bit confused , we all get confused , you just have to give it sometime. A standard period for anyone to make a decision. Dating , or A job interview Mixed signals are not always negative. Only Positive of taking a mixed signal as a no all the time is you will be super happy when it turns out to be opposite and you won't be so sad when it comes out as a No itself.
YOU DEFINITELY SHOULD TAKE IT AS NO. One girl, hard crushing feelings for her for a long time. At least 5 years. She keeps sending so many mixed signals, saying things like she thinks I'm cute and she loves me and is almost too nice to me, even got too far into my personal space a couple times and thinks my long tongue is sexy (enough to give her the shivers). But she's also stated she doesn't see me in that way and never will. BUUUUUT she STILL sends so many messages that she DOES see me that way and it's so fucking confusing!!! I'm over her now I got tired of being played like a damn fiddle. If she suddenly wants to go out with me after she realizes I don't wanna hang out with her as much as I used to I'm gonna call bullshit on her.
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Anonymous
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What women do not realize is that the signals they send are NEVER clear, even when the women think they are sending clear signals. Women instinctively use ambiguity to interest a man. Also, for all their mockery of men being afraid to approach them women rarely take a chance (because they do not usually have to). When they do, they want what is called "Plausible Deniability" so that if their pass is not welcomed then they can claim that they were misinterpreted. I personally do not proceed until I get a clear signal but I have had women tell me they weren't sure I was interested because I didn't make a pass. Until they make an app that can interpret female behavior I fear the issue you raise will never be solved.
I will tell them that I feel like they're giving off mixed signals and ask specifically what they're looking for. Either they tell me that they want to be with me and fix the mixed signals, break it off, or I end because the mixed signals continue.
Mixed signals are a stupid game and I don't have time for that. Your actions need to corroborate your words or your words are cheap.
If you just met the person it should be a red flag, if you have some history then ask "what's going on" when you are alone and away from their friends. Still sets up a bad relationship but I always want closure on stuff like this
I agree that happens sometimes. But I think people who are usually shy let the other person know that they are-- and that communication is enough to show they aren't mixed signals.
Ask her/ him why they feel mixed. Is it something you can change. If it is then they should tell you let you fix it and then they should be all in. If not they are bullshiting you on the real reason. Just call them out
I don’t think they always mean no, but in my experiences they’ve always turned into some sort of a “game” if I got involved or let it go too far. Therefore I do avoid them now. Either give me a straight-up yes or move on.
@SydneySentinel For me, though, there will always be uncertainty. Because I'm kind of a sordid character. (Low income, rough past, poor health.) So I expect ALL women to have hesitations about marrying me.
@Jamie05rhs Jamie i didn't mean that some of them ladies or guys who send mixed signals weren't interested. They could be just shy. Or they could be hesitant based on their past. Either way why open yourself up to that heartache
@ChiTown33 The context of my comment was replying to what @SydneySentinel said specifically. Focusing on the key word "uncertainty." That was the main theme of what I was trying to say. Does that make sense?
@Jamie05rhs i find it stranger that you jump straight to marriage. All women will get cold feet when it comes to marriage i mean if you're doing it right you're planning on being with this person for the rest of your life. And of the things you listed i just see it as you need to find a woman that doesn't judge harshly on those things. Than again maybe it's an age difference at this point between us. It's not like i don't want a relationship with a woman. But i'd rather be alone for the right reasons then with someone for rhe wrong ones. So if her and i don't share the same life vision i'm completely fine with being single. It's better than being together and making each other unhappy.
@ChiTown33 Why would I not jump straight to marriage? I'm a straight-talker. I tell it like it is. I don't bullshit anybody or beat around the bush. I believe in marriage, and that is my end goal. I don't want to waste my time with any woman who isn't looking for a long-term, monogamous, committed relationship. I'm not interested in messing around with people who want to mess around. I'm a serious guy. I know what I want in life and I'm going to go after it.
"And of the things you listed i just see it as you need to find a woman that doesn't judge harshly on those things." You're right. But she might judge at first before she gets to know me. You can't blame her for that. It's only reasonable.
And yeah, I would prefer to be single, too, as opposed to being with the wrong person. Why do you think I'm still single now, at age 33? Hello. I must have swiped left on like 5,000 profiles so far.
@Jamie05rhs I understand what you mean about sordid characters and Chi hit it right on finding a woman who doesn't judge as harshly on thosethings. I'm sure if you're open and honest, it still takes processing time for another person understand and consider if they want to continue on. I have that too with my past. If people could just say "hey I need to process what you've just told me," that's not a mixed signal. I think actually this is a matter of open communication between both parties. In a world where people follow silly rules like "let him do the chasing" or "don't call until 3 days after you get her number because you'll look desperate," there are going to be stupid mixed messages.
@SyndneySentinel "I need to process..." I had someone say that to me, but then they just dragged it on and would never give me a clear answer either way. So eventually I just had to end it.
No they aren't always clear, that's why they are "mixed signals". When you have various feelings and interpretation factored in, often these can be misunderstandings. Especially when there is no communication. People will make assumptions and draw conclusions.
When i was dating I always took them as a no to the point or. "ok. do you want to stop or are you just telling me that because you think you have to" after totally breaking any physical connection we were having
I would think so... I feel if your going to give me mixed signals, then just say no and don't waste our time. I would rather someone give me a straight answer than to play games with me.
I don't know if anyone "should", but I personally do. I'm not looking for someone who is "kind of" attracted to me or who is seeking further validation from my interest in them.
People get a very small window of opportunity to return my interest, if they don't, I'm going to assume that they are not attracted to me. And if they are "too shy", well, that is their problem- I'm looking for someone who respects what my interest in them means.
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