Is lack of dating experience a red flag?

[Anonymous]

For example, if you were pursuing a 30 yo woman and found out she had never been in a serious relationship, how would that impact things? Is lack of serious dating experience/long periods without dating anyone ever not a red flag? Please let me know what you think

[blueonblack22]

Nowadays more and more people have less and less dating experience for a whole host of reasons.

It’s not good. But it’s necessarily a “red flag”. You need to take in consideration why someone might not be dating. They might have been devastated from a really bad past experience, focused on their career, focused on a hobby, etc.

I haven’t been in a relationship in 6 years now. I have and a few flings with woman. I almost got married to someone 2 years ago for economical (not love) reasons.

Anyway I know I am getting older. But I am not going to get in a relationship for the sake of getting in a relationship to “prove something” to myself and others.

It comes down to being wanted vs. being needed. And the last time I had a woman date me because she wanted me vs. needing me was 11 years ago. Ever since then every woman I’ve met was dating me for selfish purposes (support, attention, money, even sex, etc.) vs. caring about what I was looking for as a person. There is a difference.

[Asker]

Thank you for this valuable input. I’m actually really sorry to hear that. I don’t know what causes people to date with ulterior motives. I’ve also been used for sex so I know how much it hurts. I hope you do one day find the right woman who loves you for you. But I agree being with someone because you want to be is the key to a successful relationship

[blueonblack22]

TBH being used for sex is actually the least insulting reason to be taken advantage of from my POV. At least the other person found me physically attractive and desirable even if it’s only for their own ends. But still it’s biologically NATURAL to feel physically attractive to someone.

Now for guys this is much less common. This did happen a few times when I was younger and in my physical looks prime.

It just left with me with an empty feeling afterwards. Not great but also not the end the world from POV. Reason being it gave me affirmation that women found me attractive. Which meant I could likely catch the attention of someone who liked me as person AND found me attractive.

But being taking advantage of for money, affirmation, attention, etc is far FAR worse in my opinion. I’ve had women use me to make the guy they really liked jealous. Also use me for money and entitlement of course. It’s pure conceit and they look at me as just a tool in their game with absolutely no respect.

Also as a man I’m considered a naive “chump” if I get taken advantage of. I’m supposed to know better and be on my guard. Women generally get more sympathy from society when they get taken.

[Asker]

That’s completely fair. Assuming that this person doesn’t try to sexually assault you, it’s s bit more forgivable than the other ones. I’m really sorry women have used you in such a way. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with people. I think you’re right that there’s a double standard under which women receive more sympathy. Maybe it is for the best that some of us are currently single. It sucks not being liked for who you are, but at least these manipulative narcissists are wreaking havoc on each other rather than us. You honestly sound like a great guy and I hope you meet a woman who can see that for what it is. My fear is that as long as relationships are so intimately tied with money and power (especially for women), it really can be hard to trust anybody.

[blueonblack22]

Thanks for your feedback QA. And thanks for being open minded to the male POV on this. A lot of women don’t realize how much long term damage they can do to a man when they take advantage of him for the reasons I’ve listed above. It’s leads to men getting jaded and bitter. That’s really not good for anyone

Anyway I wish you the best of luck too!

[Finchie40]

It could be , depending on why they were never in a relationship before and why they chose not to be in a relationship before? It could indicate that person is very selfish and only really cares about themselves, basically implying that they lack giving and understanding which are important qualities to have in a relationship , especially if you want that relationship to survive the long haul Selfishness is one of the biggest relationship killers , so if you can’t remove selfishness for someone , don’t expect them to remove it for you. Relationships take 2 people choosing each other through the good times and bad times.

[Asker]

I understand what you’re trying to say, but I think that by this definition dating someone you don’t want to be with just so you can say you had a relationship would also be a sign of selfishness

[SassyAussieAddy]

I do not think that. Not everyone is good at flirting, seduction, and dating. But I know a few people who have trouble with dating but they are good folks with big hearts. Yeah some people may be bad at dating because of bad personality traits or other negative factors but some people just need a chance.

[GlowUpGirly5]

U don't sound like you have experience either cause dating isn't about seduction and flirting

[Asker]

@GlowUpGirly5 well no, but your ability to do those things does affect the number of potential partners you can have

[777GgG]

My longest relationship was one year. My current partner hasn't had long relationships and that worries me a bit, but it wouldn't consider it a red flag.

[Asker]

Why does it worry you?

[777GgG]

His longest was just shy of 6months. I just don't want him waiting for the other show to drop or have it in his head that that's as far as he can go.
Kinda like when you psych yourself out in a game because you never make it past a certain checkpoint...

[BullShark]

It all comes down to WHY they have a lack of dating experience, and why they're single for so long that determines whether they're a red flag or not.

Sometimes, staying single is usually the only option for some people; male or female. Like they've lost a dear loved one and can't get over their passing even after months, they had very negative and scarring experiences at dating from the opposite gender; like their previous partner was very abusive and/or they were SA'ed or r*ped at a young age, and the opposite gender scares them now, they're too busy focusing on their life at the moment and feel like they need to get somewhere before they think of getting romantically involved with someone else, or they just can't find a suitable partner and/or no one wants to date them (i. e story of most young men nowadays).

I wouldn't consider any of the above options for staying single as red flags, and if anything, the people I just mentioned sometimes end up being the best partners in most cases, and their love is more real and genuine. Now, the reasons that DO make them a red flag are as follows, so I'll just list them down;

• They have a lot of friends of the opposite gender who they're "close" to but not in a relationship with any of them
• They have very specific, borderline stupid and sometimes very unnecessary or unrealistic expectations for their future partner i. e their height MUST begin at 6ft , they need to be extremely rich and successful, they need to have the body of a supermodel, they should have a 10" d*ck etc etc.
• They're already a major red flag in another department, which makes any right minded person avoid them, and if they do end up dating them, their relationship doesn't last more than a few weeks or even day i. e they're toxic
• They don't have many friends (meaning no one wants to be friends with them, not that they choose to keep their friends circle small, which is a different thing) and by extension, no one wants to date them

[DishLady]

Depends. If you’re seriously only in your 20s and have run though every type of guy that moves… that’s too much and a serious red flag that someone’s more of a chippie than a lady. If you’ve had one or two minor/mid-level “flirtations” and perhaps a short term relationship (lasting anywhere from 6-24months) you’re good to go and are basically just establishing yourself as a lady who chooses a bit carefully who she thinks is worthy of her time and effort.


If you’re in your 40s, never married and never been in any sort of relationship, that’s also a red flag…. The hermit-set-in-your-ways flag.

[Asker]

Well I’m almost thirty. I’ve had a few minor relationships, although none in the part few years. I almost never get asked out, but considering my prospects I honestly don’t think I’ve gone through too many guys. I honestly think im too unattractive and inexperienced at this point but I guess we’ll see

[Avicenna]

It really deends why. Everyone has a past, so you evaluate each set of circumstances as it arises.

[Valdemort]

I wouldn't say it's a red flag in itself, but I know from my own experience that it can make things quite difficult once you start dating.

I didn't have a lot of experience dating after one shitty experience at 17. Now, 8 years later, I still don't always know how to act; what's normal and what isn't; whether I'm clingy or just interested... things like that.

It can be quite difficult to know "how to behave" when you have little reference to compare to.

[Asker]

Yeah that’s kind of how I’m feeling right now. I have some practice dating casually so I feel like I understand that. What I don’t understand is how to form and maintain a long term intimate connection with someone. While people tell me that’s it’s never too late, I feel like this would discourage a lot of people

[Valdemort]

I think, when circumstances allow it, you will know. You won't have to put in the effort, cause the "effort" comes natural to you with the right person.

Looking at myself, I've always felt the same way - but all my friendships have been long-term. People I genuinely consider friends, I've known for 10 to 20 years and some of the people I've met over the past few years, I can see myself becoming long-term friends with them too as time goes on. That's to say... if you can build friendships that last for years, you know how to form and maintain a long term (intimate) connection with someone. But it's something you gotta be willing to work on together too.

I think most of us tend to feel the need to believe there's something "wrong" with us when things don't work out the way we hoped, but truthfully... I think 9 out of 10 times, you simply know what you're looking for and haven't found someone who compliments you in that way.

[Asker]

I think you may be right. While i do have my share of problems (which I’m working on, but I understand it will probably take a while to address everything), many of the deciding factors weren’t really up to me if I’m being honest. There is an underlying assumption that there’s something wrong with you if you don’t have a serious boyfriend by x age. It’s hard for me to find people I click with, but when I do find someone I hope it goes like you say

[Anonymous]

Her never dated before isn't a bad thing in of itself. But one has to ask why. Odds are she doesn't want to date ANYBODY. She'll say she does, but she doesn't. Or more accurately her expectations are unreachable. She also might be a bundle of trauma.

I'm not saying this is the case. But unless she's been locked in her parents basement for 30 years. She's went outside and some guys have shown interest. No woman gets complete ignored. So it's up to the guy to determine what it is, and if he should stay away or not.

[Asker]

The second one lol. I will be starting therapy soon and im doing all the self work I can in the meantime, but I worry that by the time I heal the window of opportunity will be completely closed. I have a guy approach me once in a while, but almost never with good intentions. Basically if they can’t abuse me or use me for sex they’re not interested. I understand where you are coming from, but please try to understand that there are men out there who legitimately have bad intentions and an express desire to hurt women. Make of that what you will but I’m honestly trying the best with what I have

[Opinion Owner]

It's always better to be single for the right reasons then with someone for the wrong ones. I wasn't suggesting there we're bad guys out there. There are bad women out there with only the intent to use and abuse a guy as well. You're not a victim because you're a woman.
But know there will ALWAYS be good men available. At every age. You might have to put a little more work in to get them at a later age. But if you're not willing to do that then you don't deserve them anyways.
Nothing worth having ever comes easy.

[Asker]

Yes, but women are disproportionately targeted by domestic and sexual abuse. Please look up the statistics if you don’t believe me. I’m willing to put in as much work as it takes, I just don’t know what tangible steps you are referring to. What do you suggest I do differently?

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

To me, factually speaking, it instantly indicates that she underwent massively difficult experiences in life, this is not a red flag, it means that I'm dealing with a very special psychology as a consequence. Which is a good thing or a bad thing, depending on dynamics I can't know because I'm not facing her lol

[Asker]

Read me like a book lmao 😂
I’d say it’s more of a bad thing overall, but it’s definitely something I’ve been actively working on healing from

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

Not like a book no, lol, farfrom that. It's simply that your experience is sadly not so uncommon, so I'm used to the topic :)

[BadApple69]

Not a red flag BUT…. it would change the way I would date her. For example: I would take things a lot slower. Obviously this is a girl with some issues (not saying bad issues but not the norm). Maybe it’s religion, or family…. Maybe she is shy, or maybe she has confidence issues. It can be any number of things. For that reason I would take things slower and try to feel her out and find out why she is like she is. In many cases if I like her we can work with these issues.

[Asker]

I think this is a kind response. I do have issues lol. I feel like this woman would have to be pretty special to find someone to work things through with her tho

[BadApple69]

You know everyone and I do mean everyone has issues. Some are more obvious than others. When dating some of these issues are discovered, in some cases they are not. Someone with known issues might be easier to work with. If you don’t mind me asking, what issues do you have?

[Miristheiss]

Maybe for some women when they are dating an inexperienced guy.

The old saying is true for some women. That they like to wait at the finish line and pick the winner men. They want the finished product and to not grow and struggle and go through the hard times with a guy. They want him after h e already has experience, has gotten confidence, has his career already established, already has some wealth and assets, then they want him. While he is inexperienced, still in school and doesn't have money yet, doesn't have his life experience confidence yet many women don't want them than.

Not all women but there are a lot of women like that.

[Asker]

What if the women herself is not a “finished product”, as you put it? I understand where you’re coming from but in all honesty my standards are nowhere near that high

[Miristheiss]

I'd say most men don't care about that with women. It is usually just the other way around.

[Asker]

Interesting. So why do men date women in your opinion?

[Miristheiss]

Some just want sex,
Some want a girlfriend and/or wife to share his life with and to have a family. Those usually just want someone kind, loving, sweet and loyal, appreciative and cute. They don't need "experienced" partners already set in their ways but ones in which they can grow together. Men are traditionally to protect and lead and provide so they kind of need to get experience so that they can be competent. Many men grow up ready for that role unless the woman is too experienced and set in her ways too much of a feminist and ungrateful, argumentative, disrespectful with too much baggage.
Most trauma and baggage toughens men up and makes them strong. Baggage and trauma for women usually breaks them and makes them unwifeable.

[AnonAndrew]

For me, it depends.

Long periods without dating wouldn't bother me, but zero or near zero dating experience can be a challenge. I've never actually dated a woman in her 30s without any dating experience, but I imagine it'd be a bit of a weird experience to date someone that age who has less relationship experience than the average college student.

I would be more concerned about the risk of a lack of sexual experience. When a woman is in her 30s I'd expect her to have a pretty significant sexual experience, but if she's barely even dated, she would have to have had a lot of casual sex to make up for that.

Now if she's a promiscuous girl who slept around a lot casually and got a lot of sexual experience that way, then that's fine. But I wouldn't really want to be the one to "train" a 30 year old virgin in the bedroom. It wouldn't be an absolute deal-breaker if she's really great in other ways, but it would be a solid negative.

[PeachyPie93]

I don't know if I like a person and they never had a long term relationship.. you do start to wonder why... and think is there a point to getting involved with them if they are just gonna dump me in a few months.. so I guess it depends on why they were single or why the relationships ended.

[Drumlin2001]

It all depends on circumstances. Take time tkmjndersyand reasons and take thing from there. I didn't have any relationship till i was 35, now I've been with partner for 6 years and we have 2 kids

[Asker]

Thank you for this! I’m glad to hear things worked out. If you don’t mind my asking, what changed for you at 35 that allowed you to enter a relationship

[Drumlin2001]

I went to therapy

[Asker]

Hey I’m about to do that too!

[lightbulb27]

it's a flag they are going to be dealing with:-). The problem is... they don't know themselves, probably don't know the other... God knows how and why they avoided all the other opportunities.

How about this... it's an opportunity to pray and talk to a therapist... haha!

Hey , a lot of us were that person at one time!:) It's not the end of the world, but the beginning of new adventures!

[AgentG111]

Is the person looking to date wanting some one who's been in LTR or several?

Or has she dated lots and not found anyone compatible for her likes/ needs / wants?

Lots of open questions and variables, no LTR could mean lots good and bad.

[LiliTyaka]

For me its not a Red flag things happen and possible behind someone who have never dated anyone could be the beautiful soul which you ever looked for in life. My current boyfriend has dated like two times in his life and i dont care if i want something different or if he should do something different i just tell him and its completly fine we love each other and we speak a lot

[Dargil]

Like Star Trek, to go where no man has fine before? A green light.

[Dargil]

sorry spell check. GONE.

[Asker]

11/10 for Star Trek

[NicholasRedone]

Nope, blame a lot of things.
Everyone else does - let's play the blame game 😂😆✌🏻

[NicholasRedone]

Far more superior to that old movie about that glad game lol silly what's her name pollyanna lol or Polyanna lol

[Asker]

Haha
I mean if everyone else is pointing fingers I can too I guess? And yes, that movie was pretty stupid

[NicholasRedone]

Polyanna/Pollyanna never knew the Blame Game. Only the Glad Game. "Why not have both soft tacos and hard taco shells" as they say in the commercial 🌮 🥪🍞 🌮

[Med_guy1978]

Well, if she was guy hoping without intentions of bring serious I personally would avoid. If she had some relationships with serious intentions but it didn't work or she just didn't date, I'd have no problem with that. But the guy hoping wouldn't put many men off, some men love the experience.

[BigTex53]

I’d wonder about the circumstances, and try to find out. It’s not a deal killer, but it’s cause for potential concern.

[Asker]

In what situation would it be concerning vs understandable

[Anonymous]

If she's in her 30s--yeah. That's weird. There'd need to be a VERY good explanation or it's a red flag.

[Asker]

What would you consider to be a good explanation? (Real explanation is probably a combination of average looks, trauma, and a low ish sex drive). I’m honestly with you on it being a red flag but I’d like to hear your full opinion

[Opinion Owner]

I don't know because I haven't heard a good real-life explanation. But being of average looks and having a low sex drive hardly make a girl a super compelling date, you know?

[Asker]

Oh I know. The question is do the people I’m my life who expect me to be knocked up by 35

[Opinion Owner]

When would YOU like to be knocked up? Or do you not want kids?

[Asker]

I don’t want kids lol. Especially not if Im going to be raising them alone. But my parents are going to be devastated when they realize that I basically have no chance of finding a partner

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah--not having kids alone is a GOOD life plan. Do you want kids with a partner or do you not particularly mind if you never have a partner or kids?

[Asker]

I don’t think I’ll ever have a serious partner at this point, which I’m honestly pretty upset about, but biological kids would be a no go regardless. Even if I wanted them my physical and mental health are just suited for pregnancy. Adoption of older kids maybe, but I’d get my tubes tied tomorrow if the laws would allow it

[Opinion Owner]

Makes sense.

[TheStaleMarshmellow]

Why should I care?

It's more redflag to have a body count higher than your age I would say

[AnonAndrew]

I don't see why a body count like that would be a red flag.

[TheStaleMarshmellow]

@AnonAndrew More chances for STD, Non committal, Every relationship seems to end very shortly for said person so there's no incentive

[AnonAndrew]

@TheStaleMarshmellow You have a point about the risk of STDs, if they weren't practicing safe sex!

I disagree about the rest, though. Promiscuous women have higher levels of happiness, better mental health, and make better partners than other women.

[TheStaleMarshmellow]

@AnonAndrew For them to be promiscuous, they aren't trying to take the time for anything to work.
Personal turnoff. Having a fling turn serious is mostly Hollywood

[AnonAndrew]

@TheStaleMarshmellow I think we'll have to agree to disagree, then.

[RossyBoi]

I think it's fine, nothing to be worried about. A lot of people stay single nowadays so it's quickly becoming the new normal. I'm 26 and I've never been on a date, but I'm 100% fine with it.

[Anonymous]

not really. no man in his right mind who isn't virtue signaling for some stupid societal narrative would think this is a red flag

[MannMitAntworten]

It doesn’t remotely enter my thoughts as a red flag whether they have never or it has been a long time since they last have. If anything is a red flag, it is serial daters. They are non-committal.

[Unit1]

That's not important. I'm part of it myself.

[Anonymous]

Well, I'm older that 30 and never been in a relationship, it's not a problem for me if she's my type of girl.

[Opinion Owner]

"than" (not "that" - typo).

[Shark_61695]

Yeah, try being a man in his 40s without dating experience... I've maybe been on 5 dates and nothing for years.

[kitty71]

Im over 45 and I dotn ahve dating experience either and now that Im older I dontthink I will ever date in my life

[Guanfei]

No more than a lack of experience for a job. Because if you think like that, someone who doesn't date doesn't get experience, and therefore won't be able to get, etc etc.

[zagor]

Not in and of itself. In fact it is better than someone who dates someone different every week.

[V1ka5h]

You guys not only need to build physical connection but also emotional connection too.. All the best for that

[princeofromance]

No, but you may need to take the lead on a lot of things until the person adjusts to the dating scene.

[Pohjolan]

I can fix that so no. Besides the chances of her cheating or breaking up are significantly lower.

[JRDone]

It depends on why she never had a serious relationship but it is not necessarily a red flag

[Crazzyyworld]

Yes because people think that she he has mental disorder

[dustybiker2]

Depends on the reason.

[Amur8711]

It won't bother be because I am very similar in that regard.

[ChicoFromThe305]

Nah I don't believe it being a red flag

[ShivaniPandey]

You have to make him experienced

[serious]

I don't think so

[Tomisworthless]

For a woman yes

[Asker]

Can you explain a bit more?

[GlowUpGirly5]

Especially for a woman it's bad

[Vegasrunner]

In men yes in women no.

[Asker]

Why different standards based on gender?

[Vegasrunner]

@Asker Excellent question it's because the two genders are different

[Asker]

I understand that. But how specifically does this lend itself to different standards for the two genders?

[Vegasrunner]

@Asker If you don't know how you're going to struggle.

[SpaceGalaxy]

Absolutely not.

[GlowUpGirly5]

Yes..

[Asker]

Why do you say that? I believe you but I’d like to hear the full reason

[GlowUpGirly5]

You're a woman so yeah it looks bad

[Asker]

Do you actually have a reason why this is or are you just going to keep repeating that I’m a woman? I’m fully aware of my gender, what I was looking for is concrete reasoning for why it’s a red flag

[GlowUpGirly5]

Ma'am the fact that you're a woman with no dating experiences indicates that you are extremely unattractive. Because at you're age why hasn't a man approached you and made you a girlfriend? Men always approach women. So basically you've gone all your life being unnoticed by men it's sad.

[Asker]

I know I’m unattractive. I don’t understand why you didn’t start with that. So is my life meaningless now according to you or? I think you may be right but I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to do with this information now

[GlowUpGirly5]

Yeah, like by your age, most women are at least engaged. Then married. well, I'm telling you now, lol. Most people know men are always pursuing women. that's literally the norm unless you're unattractive. You asked a question , and I answered, "So do as you please with the information."

[GlowUpGirly5]

And a lot of people here will tell you this is not a red flag because they're not normal. There's probably 10% normal people here who have a social life, date , and careers.

[Asker]

I understand that, but I’m really starting to doubt your intentions and capacity for empathy. Since you seem to be an expert on this, what am I supporting do from here

[GlowUpGirly5]

Okay, girl, I don't care what you doubt. This is your situation, not mine. You asked for an opinion, and you didn't like the answer. Not my problem

[Asker]

I was looking for insight and advice, and clearly you have none. I see on you’re profile you’re engaged, and just gonna assume your personality has nothing to do with it. For future reference, if you reply to a post like this, the assumption is that you have something to say if substance and value.

[GlowUpGirly5]

Your life is not my problem. You didn't ask for advice you asked if you were a red flag. So not only are you unattractive you're mentally unstable and lack basic comprehension. Yes you will be single for a long time. Not my problem.

[Petermorgan343434]

No……