Have you ever dated one of your best friend's exes? What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

Question

There is a "bro code" that says this on the subject: don't do it. Never.

You ask your friend's permission and he may feel obligated to give you permission even though he still has feelings for his ex. So then he realizes that you are spending nights with her and he suddenly feels an urge to let the air out of all your tires. Or people assume that she must have been cheating with you when she was still dating him. Or she tells you things about your friend that would potentially change your friendship but. . . is she telling you the truth or trying to break up your friendship? Why would she want to break up your friendship? Maybe's she's afraid that your friend/her ex will start telling you some uncomplimentary things about her and she wants to put you in a position where you will not believe him. Imagine that you fall in love with the girl and decide you want to marry her. Are you going to invite him to the wedding? Make him the best man?

What could go wrong?

Of course, things won't go wrong every single time this happens, but it seems like a very strong possibility. I've never done it and I've never even considered it. What's your experience on this subject?

midnightmoon05 · Accepted Answer

No, but I do have 2 scenerios that's kinda related.

Back in HS, my best friend met a guy in the same school. He liked her a lot. She never consider him as boyfriend. They moved on to college.
I ran into the guy in college and we had lots of similiar interests.. we became very good friends. Everyone said we were dating, I said nope and that was that. Never had to discuss anything with my best friend.
He eventually came to my wedding and was one of my wedding photographers and became my then husbands very good friend as well... more like turned family friend.
He is married and has a beautiful family... we all respect each others (new) lives.

My ex. boyfriend, after he left me. Called me up to ask for my advice on this matter.
He liked a girl for a long time, since his 20s. His best friend always liked that girl.
He and the girl was never available for each other. When she finally became available, he pretty much told his best friend, that he would go date her. And he did.
Last I heard, he was calling me up each Thanksgiving and Christmas for the past 3 years. I never did pick up his phone calls. What went wrong here? He lost his best friend and lost that girl. I don't know what is happening to him/his life at this point and wish him well.

It's okay to let some of the ship pass. Some can be rescued. :P

AmandaYVR · Accepted Answer

Yep, all sounds logical. You laid out some examples of how it can go. It is awkward, no doubt.
But I am living proof that sometimes people date exes, and it all works out fine.

I have never dated a guy that any of my friends dated. (Yes, I would feel awkward about that. I probably wouldn't do it. Although it does depend on how loosely we are using the word 'friend.')
However. I have been asked out by the friends of my exes. Three times. Did the exes like it? No, of course not. But did they own me? Nope. Three different guys were interested in me, and they did tread cautiously. They all asked my exes and although the exes clearly felt uncomfortable, they were good guys, basically, and felt they couldn't say 'no.' Since they gave me up, why should they have a say? We are humans with free will, not possessions.

I married one, the third one. We are together over 20 years now.
And yes, we did invite him to our wedding. He was the best man.

Myk13 · Accepted Answer

I have. We were still in school. I figured that If I ask my friend if he would have a problem with me dating his ex what could go wrong. The one thing I didn’t take into consideration was if he wasn’t honest with me. It never crossed my mind that he wouldn’t be 100% honest. I left it completely up to him. If he said no, I would accept it and nothing would happen.
Obviously he said yes. Her and I ran around for less than 6 months and like most relationships back then, have absolutely no recollection of why it ended. However, I did know that my good friend that I had known for half of my life was not talking to me over a girl that came and went through my life in the blink of an eye.
I ran into him roughly 25 years later. I had to ask him wtf happened back then. He told me that he thought he could handle it. When he couldn’t, he acted like most men would have. Rather than share his feelings with another guy, stew on it and convinced himself that I was the one that was wrong. I was. I never did that shit again. No matter how much I wanted to.

Dayman343 · Accepted Answer

One of my friends would go for drinks with my ex which I was uncomfortable with but I never said anything to either of them. Then he split up with a girl he was seeing some time later and a few months after I bumped into her in a supermarket (I knew she liked movies as much as I do) and we chatted and she suggested we go to the cinema one evening. So we went to the local cinema and had a meal after. Someone must have seen us because one night in the bar my friend was very stand offish towards me. So later I asked him if there was a problem and then he ripped into me for going out with his ex. I pointed out that he had gone for drinks with my ex and he said that nothing had happened between him and her. I told him nothing had happened between me and his ex apart from that one night out, cinema, drinks and a meal. He didn't seem to get the double standards. I think it ate him up a bit after, things were never really the same between us.

coachTanthony · Answer

Bro code or no bro code... I would probably not do it ! Too close for comfort! At least for me!  Yuk!

Jean-Marie_Céline · Answer

Not exactly - I've met one of my fiancée's exes whom I have known for some years and was surprised to discover they had been together some years ago.  Now he's married and with a kid.

btbc92 · Answer

1. Never dated.
2. Would never do anything like that. Why?
3. I find it weird, wrong and a bit immoral in my opinion. Unless you would never intimate with that person coming never really kissed, Etc then maybe. But if you're already slept with that person sexually and, did all kinds of stuff, then that is a No-No. You're not only transferring Spirits, you're not only becoming one with that individual, I would never fornicate anyway. But you're craving unhealthy attachment that is not good. Therefore I would personally avoid it. also to add
4. These are the very people I told him not to date in the first place. So why in the world would I ever be foolish enough to go out to the same people I already don't personally like for various reasons? When I send something to spiritually wrong with a person I wouldn't even bother. So why would I want my own friends to end up in that thing messed? I can't control their lives, that's their choice. But when it asked for my opinion at least I tell it to them straight and I don't lie about it. No way. I got morals.

Anonymous · Answer

I "dated" my exes best friend for a bit.

We've been hooking up for 2/3 years and he still has no idea about it. Bro code isn't very strong.

Our relationship is nice.

You don't need permission from your bro to see someone, whether its serious or casual. What if the woman wants to see the guy? Would he reject her simply becsuse his bro says no?

If you find yourself in this situation it might seem like the right and respectful thing to do, but if your friend can't support what might make you happy bc he lost it, is he really a bro, bro?

oldsoul88 · Answer

Yes I've done this and let him know I was seeing her and asked if it bothered him. He played it cool and expressed no fucks to give. But I couldn't help but question her true intentions I kept feeling like she was using me as revenge toward him, and also her poor morals because she did dome me up once during there relationship. But what's it say about mine,? I was young and dumb. I've grown since. But ya she ended up cheating on me too... lol. but it was no shocker at least. We did have fun times tho

Sleevey · Answer

I have only dated a friends x one time. It was his ex wife and we had no real issues. He and her were actually better friends then when married and our hook up was not a issue. The other way around, a friend dating one of my ex’s happened multiple times. One hid it for awhile but once told I was more worried about him, because she was a psycho. Idiot married her and that is when the crazy showed up. He ended divorcing her a year later and for years she stalked him and tried to ruin his life. The only time it was a big deal for me was a girl I really had a thing for. It. Was asked and since. We had been friends since 6 when I said no, it would really bother me, he moved on.

19magic · Answer

I suppose it depends on the nature of the relationship, say my mate met a guy had drinks maybe a couple of dates at most a kiss then I met him and we hit it off but she already said she didn't like him then I'd ask first and would go for it. If you mean they dated and had sex and she's not the kind of gal to have sex on first date then no I just wouldn't go there. Me and her have never quarrelled over anything and I love her much more than some dick and our 13 years of friendship means a lot to me

Bensbrie · Answer

I have dated a friends ex before. She got upset with me a bit. But truth is, he didn't actually like her (not saying that to be petty) but she is a very assertive, even sometimes aggressive person. If she wants something, she will strive to get it. She kept pursuing him. They dated for maybe a couple weeks before it ended. Because he gave in just to placate her I suppose and perhaps she could sense his lack of interest. When they were together or before then I tried to act like a bro or whatever. But he ended up liking me and when he asked me out I said yes. You can't force someone to like you or be with you. If you do, it won't last. Of course he and I broke up after a couple years. But, it was somewhat mutual. And my friend isn't angry anymore obviously.

WindAtMyBack · Answer

I have not. I consider exes of friends and family to be off limits. I consider family and friends of exes to be off limits. It would just feel awkward, and maybe wrong. Not because of any unwritten code. It just doesn't feel right.

A year or so ago there was some possibility of dating the ex of a good friend. But it had been over 40 years ago they dated. If I had followed through with that, even after all those years I would have said something to him first. Even after that many years I'm still mixed about it. I could see it potentially being awkward.

whatdoyouwantt · Answer

That’s crazy, why’d you do that. You should trust your best friend that there was a reason he got rid of her. If she was all that good they’d be together. And even if it was your best friends fault it’s just weird from my point of view. How could you bang someone your friend used to. Ew. Sharing is not caring.

Anonymous · Answer

I am dating one of my friend's ex... I told her after I started dating him before it became common knowledge, more as a 'by the way, we are dating and it wouldn't be fair if you were last to know' and less asking permission.
I didn't think she would care, and she didn't. They broke up when she finally admitted she was aromantic to him and that's why she kept standing him up on their dates, and he had taken a down turn when they dated and especially when they broke up... she was happy we started dating as we were a better mate and liked seeing us happy

Phoenix98 · Answer

Not my best friend but a close friend at the time and the ex in question was also my ex girlfriends sister lol. Who we were for a time dating at the same time lol until they broke up and later on me and my girl broke up so I got together with her sister (my friends ex) afterwards.

Oddly it worked out ok.

Larry30 · Answer

There seems to be a human code that says that this is never a good thing. I have walked away from multiple many really good women because of this code. Do I think there are circumstances that could work out, yes. This is in bedded in my logic system and I don’t believe I’ve ever been consciously taught, I think it’s common sense. I am not a Lonewolf in life and I do have many friends that I do not wish to offend. I am not selfish. This is not condemning anyone who has done this so please don’t take offense, it is only built Into my logic system.

Anonymous · Answer

I dated a friend's ex. He was a chauvinistic narcissistic controlling asshole who cheated on her and treated her like shit but he had a hot body, was 6'4, made good money, was good in bed, was exciting, had a mustang, well educated and had a big fat dick (it was long like 7 inches but it was really thick, like the thickness of my arm). Anyway I let him do things to me and did things for him that I've let no man do before or after.

IronLady6354 · Answer

I did date one of my best friend's exs in the past. I thought she'd be super upset when I told her we were starting a relationship, but she was totally cool with it. However, she did tell me "good luck, he's a handful." and told me he was very selfish and immature. After a few months I personally found out he was super selfish and immature. I broke up with him because I couldn't take his BS. Afterwards she said "I told you he wasn't worth it"

Anonymous · Answer

When I was in high school I dated a girl who in the past my best friend had gone on a few dates with. They weren't dating at the time and my friend was chasing after a different girl. I'm pretty sure the girl he'd been on dates with had a relationship with some other dude in there as well.

Long story short, me and this girl started hanging out more--still just as friends. Even THAT created a wedge between me and this dude. I thought that was kinda bs and eventually just said "screw it" and started dating her outright. My friendship with the dude drifted apart at that point (he was a year ahead of us anyway and graduated and went away for college) and me and the girl dated for over a year then another year distance before we broke up. All in all, in my case I'd say it was worth it as she was my first "real" relationship and it was a good one.

WhiteSteve · Answer

I did sleep with one once... whoops, lmao. In fairness, it was my buddy’s girlfriend from early high school, like 14-16 maybe, and this all happened when we were maybe 24 or so. I went to a private Catholic school so it was kind of a regional deal, it’s not like we live in the same town and could bump into each other. I don’t think I’ve seen a soul from my high school since graduating anyway, no real lasting relationships, so it was more the ex of a faded-away friend. I think it was just clear none of us would ever really see each other again, so it’s kind of moot. We’re all grown adults now, so I can’t imagine him being mad about it now, even trying to put myself in his shoes and it’s him with my ex-gf, hypothetically. Probably ill-advised in most cases though, just kind of a no harm, no foul situation for me. Or he can punch me in the face one day if he feels like that’s right too, it’s all good, we can handle it like men lmao.

Knighted2170 · Answer

I did this way back. It didn't cause problems between me and my friend, but she had issues with my friend. In a nut shell, she didn't want me to be friends with him anymore.
I don't play those games. What I did learn later on is that she dated him to get to me. I don't play those games either.
Just be straight and honest with me and things will work, or break amicably on friendly terms. Play games and hide feelings is when things go sideways.

RemoErdosain · Answer

I hadn't thought about all that stuff. You make good points there for why it could fail later down the line in more than one obvious way. I never dated one of my friend's exes, and I don't think I would. There's plenty of other women out there, no need to be a dick and pick precisely that one

Browneye57 · Answer

I dunno... DO or date? Perhaps the former, but the latter?
I think its best to at least let him know - "Hey dude, gonna bang your ex okay?"
Once it's over it's over. Most people realize that, but like you say, some are still holding onto hope.
The truth is, once the vag-tingles are gone, or if they never existed in the first place, NOTHING is going anywhere fast - that just never comes back. Ask any woman.

Have you ever dated one of your best friend's exes? What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

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