This is a very personal and emotional post for me so please don’t be disrespectful.
When I was 16-18 I struggled with depression and self-harm due to verbal and psychological abuse I was receiving from a family member. At 18 I moved out , started seeing a therapist and started taking antidepressants.
I’m 22 now and I’m in a very good space mentally and emotionally. I have grown a lot as a person and I feel like I’m ready for a relationship. However, I’m very self conscious about my self-harm scar and I’m worried that guys will judge me by it before they even get to know me. So my question is > is this scar a major turn off? Or would you be able to look past it?
Yes , the past is in the past
No , not for me
Select gender and age to cast your vote:
Please select your age
*Trigger warning * Would you date a girl with a self-harm scar on her arm?
First of all, let me compliment you for acknowledging what has happened and actively have worked on getting over the obstacles in your life. Unfortunately, the scars will only hold you back as it's not a secret that those who have self-harm scars have psychological problems, lack impulse control and aren't thinking on the long-term (which you had when you were hurting yourself). The question is: are you fully healed? Or do you still suffer from PTSD? Will your past abuse poison your relationship with a (new) man?
I myself would be extremely vigilant around a person who has done self-harm. Most of the time, I'll just next them. All I can recommend is that you get the scars treated. You don't want to hold on to things that don't represent you today. You may not get rid of the scars entirely, but every bit to make them less visible helps
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Asker
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Thank you, I definitely want to get rid of them because they are giving people the wrong impression of me but at the same time coming to terms with them and to stop hiding them has taken me a while, it's on my arm and there's nothing I can do about the scars immediately. So I would say that's a big step, just accepting that they're there because I know I'm not the person the scars depict me to be > why do I need to prove myself to anyone and lie about myself by hiding the scars? It happened
@Asker the problem is, people will judge you regardless and it can hurt you directly or indirectly. Either when you're applying for a job or in your dating life. People can get the wrong impression and push you aside because of these impressions. We can be couragious, but in the end, we do care. And a good indication is you asking this question. So yeah I think your priority has to be getting the treatment. I'm not going to tell you how to lead your life, what I am doing is giving you options that can help you in the future. In any way, best of luck
It would be hypocritical of me not to accept them. I went though quite a bit myself and had a few breakdowns. I used to put cigarettes and cigars out underneath my forearm. I have also taken a buck knife and sawed back and forth into my bicep. It wasn't something I ever thought that I would do. But when you're in a really fucked up place mentally and you are depressed. For me it was a test to see how much pain I could tolerate and if I could follow through with suicide which I attempted several times.
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Same for me , growing up I was never depressed and cutting was the last thing I thought I would do. Hope you’re in a better place now 🤗
Not that it's the past but I will be more loving towards them because those lovely sensitive people deserve to be loved MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE. Majority of humans are scumbags who betray you and manipulate you. Even I'm facing neglect, criticism and hate from my own mother. I was about to jump off the building yesterday but I stopped because I didn't felt it was right thing to do. :'( Pray for me that I'll get a job and also move out like you did.
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Asker
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Sorry that you're going through this... But don't give up > rather work towards improving yourself so that you can show your mother that she was wrong about you. View me as a success story, I went from cutting, depression, anti-depressants, daily abuse, to putting myself through college, working at my dream job, having an amazing support system (my friends), living in my own place and just being happy overall. I have made it my goal in life to be successful and happy to prove my mom wrong.
Thanks dear. In my country children live forever with their parents but I wanna move out once I get my degree and start saving and earning more. Good to know that you're happy now.
India. Here, children take life little easier and are very slow in becoming independent as compared to US. They are 23-24, unemployed and still living with parents. PARENTS ALSO HATE THE IDEA OF THEIR CHILDREN MOVING OUT. When a child gets employed at 26, it's their turn to take care of the parents forever. Here people reproduce so that they can have someone to take care of them from their 50's till death.
I know this is a question for men, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and I'm glad you are feeling better and fought your way out of that illness. Lots of love :D "I've suffered long and hard to be who I am, I want my scars to show": Lily - Penny Dreadful, TV series.
I would date a girl with a self-harm scar that was still struggling even. There are a lot of us that are hurting, and a lot of us that feel alone while going through it. I always have overwhelming urges to protect women. To the point that I sometimes let myself be taken advantage of. A woman with a self-harm issue, past or current, is going to tell me that she's going to be more understanding about the things that I'm going through myself, and will be more likely to put me into protect and recue mode.
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Asker
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This is amazing, why can't more people be like you? All anyone wants in life is love and acceptance
Yes. The past is the past. When I was in school, I befriended all the people normally considered "outsiders" by the rest of the school. This included people with mental issues and stress going on at the time. However, I would have to know it is in the past because I love very hard when I fall in love so somehow I'd feel like I failed if my partner hurt herself. My advice to you would be to not tell someone how you got the scar until you've dated a while. If they ask, just say you will discuss it when you are ready. Any respectable guy will understand this and not push.
Not a big deal, life is complicated and we all go through different situations & struggles. But when you do get into a relationship, when the timing feels right you could open up to him about some of the details of the past, the scars, etc... just so he's not wondering if it's a current struggle. Does that make sense?
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Asker
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Yes, it's important to be open about these things > but obviously when the time is right.
It's a sign that you came through a difficult period in life! You never gave up, you kept fighting. It's something potentially to talk about but no way it would be a turn off. Only slightly adjust what I'd say or do to not bring back bad memories or hurt you in some way (even though i wouldn't want to hurt a girl in the first place)
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Asker
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I was honestly so stupid for doing it and I do regret it a lot. I’m in no way emotionally unstable or anything like that > I just had a rough few years. I haven’t dated in so long because I’m worried that guys would see the scar and leave immediately. I’m very self conscious about it but there’s nothing I can do about it now > it’s already on my arm. Thank you for your message 🤗
I wouldn't be hiding it, like j said it shows you never gave up and kept fighting. We all go through shit times and we all deal with it differently, the most important thing is coming through the other side. I'm glad you made it and you will find someone 🙂
It depends on how fresh was the scar and did she get the help she needed. Dumping her once you notice it? No... but realizing that there is more to her story is important. Maybe slow things down while she gets help.
Look, optimum is two whole healthy people joining in a relationship. Reality? There's a lot of people who are not whole and healthy. And if you're just looking for love, you're not equipped to analyze human nature and their behavior and run a background check and criminal check and get references and know the whole state of their relationship with their parents... you just want someone to love you. Life is not easy. Love yourself. Protect and value yourself. Help others as you're able.
I'm lucky. My self-harming didn't scar noticeably. I can see them, but unless you really look they're not clear.
I also attempted suicide more than once.
My scars - except my missing leg - are mostly emotional, not physical.
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Asker
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Hope you're in a better place now x I have noticed that the people who have been through the most in life are the nicest, most accepting and the strongest people.
Actually my physical health took a worse beating. 3 months in a coma and lost my right leg below the knee - courtesy of your friendly neighbourhood coronavirus!
Love the positively 🤗 GET A PARROT!! But get a baby that still needs to be fed > this way they see you as the parent and the bond the parrot will form with you will be much bigger
I have some and sometimes I forget I have them. I don’t hide my arms anymore and sometimes people get scandalized but i call them my battle wounds from depression. My man kisses them all the time and tells me I’m beautiful.
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Asker
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You have a great man! And I'm so happy for you 🤗 everyone deserves to be accepted and to be loved
Hi, I just wanted to say that I'm so proud of you for the progress you've made. I honestly don't think they're that noticeable, and when you find the right person they will not care and will love you and your scars. I hope you find someone great.
yeah and would if she was still struggling. I would want more to date them tbh because we would understand each other easier with having similar problems.
It already helps someone if you can understand what there feeling so yeah? Not saying i can save them or have any of the whole savior complex. Just saying i would rather date someone i can understand and hopefully they understand me too.
If i were a guy I totally would. That means you are mentally strong and the fact you went through all that and came out to be a wonderful person is amazing.
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Thank you 🤗 You just put a very big smile on my face haha
I believe that we all have some sort of a history and as long as the lesson continues to grow then the past is the part and has no effect on the present or future.
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Asker
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This should be a quote, and everyone should see it. I feel like some people are very quick to judge and they don’t take into consideration that some things happened years ago and you can’t change them > but you can grow as a person and move past that phase in your life.
I have scars all over me from work. Just tell them you fell off your bike or had a pet that scratched the shit out of you or something. Not everything is everybody's business unless you want it to be.
@mélancolie I'm sorry that you were in an emotional state that caused you to do that. I would be empathetic about it. I have a girl in my family who lost her parents and wanted to hurt herself. I really wouldn't hold that against anyone. I wouldn't be hurting her or giving her a reason to be triggered. Being good to people is easy for me so I would date her.
Nope. I’m not a fan of women that start pulling out knives and cutting people when they aren’t feeling top of the world… There’s no future with someone like that? Who’s next? My dick while I’m sleeping? Future children while they are in the bathtub? No thanks.
A tiny scar like that? Who cares 😂 I've been with worse. You should see my body, I have stretch marks from growing, all over me (I'm 6'7). Never bothered me, but that's a lot more visible than those tiny scars.
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Everyone has flaws 😂 but Yea, my scars make me self contious and I have been hiding them for many years. But lately I haven't been hiding them because I know I'm a good person and I have a lot to offer > if people judge me by something that happened in my past before they get to know me, they don't deserve to be in my life
I've gotten to know many girls with self harm scars. Some were not even noticeable to the average person but i know what im looking for. in my opinion self harm in and of itself doesn't ruin them for a relationship however slut behavior does. Many times they go hand in hand but not always.
Scars would not dissuade me. I would be extra careful to show her love and to actively be there for her.
What my dissuade me would be the anti-depressants.
But, what she had been through would not scare me away at all. I would be extra nurturing, and we would have a wonderful relationship. I would uplift her.
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Anonymous
(25-29)
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My partner has some self harm scars and in my mind they serve as a reminder of how brave she was, how she endured her past and how I should do my best to give her the very best life going forward.
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Asker
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This is amazing! I wish I can find a partner like you one day
I have dated a fair number of cutters, both before and after I knew they were cutters. It’s a pretty rough thing to go through as a partner, and also as a cutter. But I got nothing but love and support.
I don’t think I could to be honest and that less to do with the woman in question and more with me. I have a very personal past with that kind of stuff.
I lost someone very dear to me from it after a long hard battle with it. And quite frankly I can’t emotionally handle going through that kind of situation again.
Now if they were old scars and they had conquered it and it wasn’t an issue anymore then that’d be another story. And I could probably deal with that.
Never understood why people do this, i know depression is a big issue but it just puts off your problems instead of facing them and coming out on top, i will never do that to myself and would i ever date someone who did it, honestly i can't answer that
I never understood it either, I get depressed a lot, but I never wanted to cut myself. If I ever wanted to hurt myself physically it would be to just kill myself.
Getting abused daily, being called pathetic , ugly , unlovable > eventually you start to believe it, if you grew up hearing the same things over and over. I went though a phase where all those words would play over and over in my mind and to take my mind off of it I would cut. So then I’m thinking about the pain on my arm instead of the pain in my heart. I know it doesn’t make logical sense and I wish I didn’t do it > but at the time I believe it helped to get my mind off of everything until I could find a therapist to help me deal with my internal pain in different ways.
@Asker I grew up hearing those same things over and over. The words can take its toll over the years. People say words don't hurt, but those people don't know what the fuck they're talking about. Those thoughts of what people say linger for years and years. I feel you on that.
I grew up with a lot of things but despite that, making my self worse just because of what they say is wrong, pain is a means to a end, find something fulfilling and make hobbies, make friends that aren't pieces of shit
It's a bad coping mechanism yes, people who cut know this as well as anyone. But when you're in such a cloudy, broken state and you want to punish yourself so badly for whatever reason that may be, then that's an easy way to get their anger out. I'm not a person who cuts thankfully but I badly scratch when I have a breakdown and it's a similar thing though not as long lasting. Don't look down on people who do this, they're not cutting themselves for fun or to see what happens, they're cutting because they feel so hurt that they want to hurt themselves.
If you were my girlfriend however and you ever did that to yourself without my permission again. Well let's just say your punishment will involve some temporary marks across your bare butt with my cane. And you'll remember that every time you sit down. Followed by a message and some bed time action. I've had a few girls who wanted to self harm, spanking gives you marks just like self harm only they're temporary and this seem to help their outlet so maybe it's something you should try if you ever need to.
As long I felt you were truly past it all and didn't show any signs of depression or bi-polar like mood swings, I'd be ok with it. I'd actually be more concerned about a girl from an abusive family who hasn't dealt with it in ANY way whatsoever.
Honey, everybody has their issues, baggage, and skeletons in their closets. Anyone that wouldn’t look past that once they know it’s there, you probably don’t want anyway.
Some guys might want to care for and protect you. At the same time, others would be wary of a potentially unstable person. Personally, I’m more of the caring type and if I loved them, I wouldn’t mind at all.
it's definitely a red flag for me. seing a red flag is not an immediate dealbreaker most dates have one or 2 of those. but it will make me very careful.
Yea I would it's not a big deal, tbf we all have our flaws, problems, mental demons etc none us are perfect , I dated a girl that self harmed but only saw her once it wasn't that that put me off was her bpd she hardly spoke
my partner has scars which she kept hidden for a while at the beginning of our relationship, when we became more intimate I asked about them, but she obviously wasn't ready, I gave her time she eventually opened up about them She has since had a tattoo done over them so unless you knew about them you wouldn't know they where there
What was your immediate reaction when you saw them? at the moment the scars make me feel very insecure and I’ve turned away a couple of guys that were interested in me already because I didn’t want them to see my scars and leave me because of it. i do regret cutting myself and I wish I could undo it. I’m also thinking of getting a tattoo to cover the scars.
Yes I would cause in me experience people self harm when there stressed or unhappy she wouldn't feel that way with me I'd do whatever I had you do you keep my girl happy
It does depend a bit. If she really seems to be mentally well, I'll look past it. But then i must be pretty sure. If not, I'd try to get her to seek help.
I complelty get that but for me life is stressful as it is normally so adding in the potential for it to happen again and when we have kids and them seeing it as a form of dealing with hard times would be too much for me to deal with and yes thats unfair to say it will happen but I'm not willing to take the chances of it happening as I have seen its effects from working in a school
No problem, I understand what you’re saying. I get that it’s a turn off and tbh I hate that it’s in my arm haha I wish I could go back and talk some sense into 16 year old me.
No and thats why I hate myself for not being able to shift the mind set because you now are not the same person you was when u was 16 and even with me saying this if I fell in love with someone and found out I dont think I would dump them because it but it would cause issues for me in a relationship
We all have our turn-offs , for example I’m just not attracted to men that shave their legs and chest area and I can’t shift this mindset haha.
I have a question for you though , let’s say I meet a guy on Tinder, should I tell him about the scar immediately? And how should I say it? I’m thinking of covering it up with a tattoo someday , because it’s bothering me so much 🙈
Hmmm. It is flattering to say what's past is past. But the past is also the foundation of today. Sorry but I've got enough of my owb problems. So, I'm out.
Of course I would, I used to cut as well and it developed into me carving writing on myself
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Asker
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Do you still cut? Or have you stopped now? Lots of people seem to have this misconception that people that cut or mentally unstable and will be for life. They don’t understand that cutting doesn’t mean you’re mentally unstable at all > it means you’re struggling and if you have scars it means your struggled
I wouldn't. I don't need someone with mental health issues. Non-self-harming girls have enough.
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Not everyone with scars have mental health issues... I don’t. I had a rough few years but im 100% fine now > just embarrassed about the scar that’s stuck in my arm for life now. But I get what you’re saying
@joeldalton you should read up about mental health because I don’t think you understand how it works > mental health can change over time depending on circumstances , just because someone had depression once doesn’t mean they will be depressed forever.
Not nearly as bad as my surgery scars. If I may ask, what was the reason for your self harm?
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Asker
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Verbal and psychological abuse from my mom. I’ve been called things I wouldn’t even call my dog , I’ve been told I’m pathetic and that I won’t succeed in life. I’ve been told I’m a nothing and that she’s cutting herself out of my picture ~ she doesn’t want to be associated with me all because I took one of her shirts once (which all girls do apparently) . It was just a very toxic environment and I started believing the things she was saying , that I’m pathetic and ugly. But when I turned 18 I left and from there worked on building myself up as a person again.
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