Why did my boyfriend say I needed to “shred him to pieces”?

[Hannah_Ann_Linge]

So I have a boyfriend. His name is Adam. There was one guy from work that tried hitting on me. This guy from work knew had a boyfriend and he wanted himself, Adam, AND myself to all go out and hang out (I’m not really sure why). Adam cannot stand my coworker. I’ve been firm to my coworker and told him that I have a boyfriend. Adam said I need to “shred him to pieces”. I told Adam that I’ll be gentle when rejecting him. Why is Adam wanting me to be so harsh? Also, why do you think my coworker wants to hang out with both of us when he keeps pushing and flirting with me? Adam cannot stand this guy. He keeps telling me I need to be extremely harsh

[Xitomyth]

Well, some people are poly amorous (love more than one person), some just like 3 ways, others like to watch and/or be humiliated... Your coworker could be like that. He could also have issues. Adam, possibly territorial (I don't know him), may just be protecting his woman so to speak, or he has had past experiences with people like your coworker, in which case Adam may know that the guy will only back off if you are harsh with him. It could also be the Adam likes to destroy other people he deems weak. Maybe Adam want's you to be harsh so he knows that you are loyal to him, and him alone. You could just ask him. If being gentle doesn't work, step it up incrementally until your coworker backs off. Tread carefully, both your coworker and/or Adam may not be entirely stable (mentally or emotionally) and may get more aggressive or violent. Talk to both and see what's really going on. Also, message me if things get worse or you want a more in-depth explanation.

[razelove]

He's scared about repercussions if he confronts him. Especially if it turns physical and he loses. So you have two people trying to dictate your actions. One you have a bond with, and one you do not. Why not simply tell him he needs to talk to your boyfriend about that, you're not interested, won't be, but maybe he would.

See if he'll actually stand up to you. Is it that he can't stand him as a co-worker, or is he trying to use you against him because he's scared of the possibility of confrontation? If you ever do have a threat towards you, would you want someone passive aggressive helping, or someone who will stand up for you?

It's a valid question to ask when you're looking at long term or fun.

[MrBadd]

Yes. One of the reasons the co-worker wants to hang out with her and Adam is because he gets the sense that he can intimidate Adam in front of her. He smells weakness.

[razelove]

@MrBadd That's the feeling I get. If someone I feel uncomfortable with is spending unwanted time around my woman, that shit is ending. Even if the cause is her inviting that attention for drama and breaking up with her. You have problems, you deal with them. Asking someone else to is simply saying you won't deal with it. Whether you can or can't, you won't.

[ohshee]

First thing is you need to tell co worker to back off , you have a boyfriend
And your boyfriend doesn't want to go out with you or any one else sorry end of story
Either drop it and or let it go
But if he starts bugging you too much your boyfriend needs to walk up to get really really close and in a little whisper tell him he needs to really stop doing what he's doing you're not liking it he's not liking it so just stop doing what you're doing last time I'm going to tell you just whisper it tell him to turn around and walk away. At least that's what I would do and see where it goes from there

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

You DO need to be harsh. I mean, not "scorched Earth" level of harsh where you publicly degrade him to the point of being abusive. But he continues to push and flirt, knowing you have a boyfriend, so it's about time he learned some respect. If he keeps pushing, you just gotta say "I'm not interested in you at all in the way you're thinking, we're just work colleagues and you need to respect that." You can be calm about it, but you gotta be firm coz otherwise he'll take a "soft" rejection as a form of flirtation.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

Don't leave any room for "interpretation", to guys like that anything other than a HARD fucking "no, now leave me alone" is often taken as "ohhh you just need to try harder to impress me, wink wink nudge nudge". If he were just a nice respectful guy, then you could reject him nicely and respectfully, and he'd take the rejection at face value. But "nice and respectful" doesn't work with pushy guys, coz they assume its just low key flirting.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

You also don't need to suggest "let's just be friends", coz again, he'll happily use that guise of friendship to try and mussel his way into a situation where, in his mind, he has a shot at "tempting" you away from your boyfriend. Friendship isn't a consolation prize you dish out to guys who can't take "not interested" at face value. It's perfectly acceptable to just have a professional work relationship and nothing more beyond the confines of workplace communication. Most coworkers you meet couldn't care less about being your new BFF. Especially guys like that who you know they're already willing to try and spirit you away from your boyfriend.

[PurSeduction]

Reading your last few questions, regarding "Adam" I would say he may be a jealous person and somewhat immature.

So telling you that and presuming you notice and feel the same about "Adam" would put you in state of either:

Being caring and more empathic towards "Adam" to avoid such things.

Or show "Adam" the EXIT sign

[MrBadd]

He's saying this because your co-worker doesn't seem to understand how to respect boundaries. The reason he keeps pushing with his flirting despite you telling him you have a boyfriend is because you're being too nice.

If you reject him gently this will probably continue, Adam knows this, and then depending on what Adam is like he'll either lose his trust in you or he'll escalate things with your co-worker and want to "shred him to pieces" himself.

[NathanDavis]

No need to be harsh, but you have to be very clear and firm, with some men.

Firm, is on the tone, and also in the words you say, keep it short and straight to the point, and whatever he says or answer... just repeat it again, firm and shortly, then end the conversation.

[MysticDevice]

I think its pretty clear your boyfriend is being territorial. Which for the most part is pretty normal. As far as the shredding thats just a figure of speech.

Your co-worker I suspect is one of those dudes who doesn't care if you're already with someone and will try to win you over anyway. Which is uncool.

[Floppy2112]

Your co-worker wants to bang you and your boyfriend is afraid that he will somehow talk himself into your panties. So, he's a little jealous. Your co-worker is one of those guys who won't be deterred, apparently. So he's going to keep pressuring you to hang out with him with or without a boyfriend. How you handle it, is up to you.
The penalty for being young and pretty is everybody wants to bang you. It's a blessing not a curse. It's better than people being disgusted by you.

[MasterOfReality]

Easy. He wants you to hurt the guys feelings because he doesn’t like that he hit on you. He wants him to feel utterly and totally rejected.
That being said, the other guy wants to go out with both of you so he can feel Adam out and see how y’all act together and see if he can take you from him and what it might take. He also will probably challenge Adam on some level and do things to try to impress you and denegrate Adam.

[TheBigGuy9]

I don’t know. Maybe he wants to show you that he is a better man or he wants a 3 way.


If he wants you to shred this guy to pieces, I agree with him. Asks you out even though you have a boyfriend and asks to hang out directly. That’s someone with ulterior motives.

[AydenHazor]

Adam wants you to be harsh because he's still afraid of losing you too someone else. The guy at work Kris pushing because he doesn't respect your choice to be faithful to your boyfriend and goes to persuade you he is a better choice. Any dude that doesn't respect the relationship your on is not with your time, but your boyfriend also needs to trust to to be faithful to him and shut down other dudes in your way.