How can I stop being so bitter when it comes to love?

[Anonymous]

In the past I've had boyfriends that I've caught either cheating on me or messing around with other girls on their phone. The worst part is that all the guys I've been with were always super sweet and never gave any flags. I would only find out by accident most of the time. Just recently i found my boyfriend following several Onlyfans accounts. And I also discovered my father cheating on my mom when i got home. Now i feel very bitter and cynical so when i see couples posting their significant others online i always have this "you're a fool" attitude because i feel like they're also getting played. I am now having difficulty believing new guys that im dating which ultimately drives them away. I can't trust anyone anymore. How can i stop having this bitter feeling. The picture illustrates me protecting my heart

[InventorofWarp]

It's easy to understand where you're coming from.
My dad cheated on my mom for 20 years and fathered a daughter with another woman. I met my half-sister when I was 9 and he later cheated on my stepmother after that as well, twice I'm pretty sure.
My (older) brother followed in his footsteps and cheated on his fiance.
I'm the one man in the family who's kept himself intact. It was possibly the fallout from my father's decisions destroying the family and everyone that got touched that led me to my decision to buy a promise/purity ring and remain "pure" for my woman. So she can know that no matter what, she's the only woman on Earth for me and I've been in love with her always and will always be devoted, even before she entered my life because I knew she was out there.
I've been hurt before. I've dated around a bit.
My most painful and possible dumbest move was starting a relationship with a woman 20+ years my senior whom I thought genuinely liked me before I learned she was married. And I still welcomed her with open arms again when she came back later only to leave me again.
Or a woman my age I dated at 21 who left upon learning I was a virgin waiting for the right girl because I wouldn't be able to fuck her properly.
THAT was a real blow to the self-esteem and ego.

The best that I can say is just don't stop trying. You're not done getting your heart broken yet I can promise you that and I'm sorry I have to tell you that but it's true. I'm sorry those guys did that to you but you're not yet done. But there ARE genuinely good and decent men out there who want nothing more than to just be the good boyfriend to some amazing lady and be her man. Be the sweet guy who can be the shoulder for her and have her fall asleep in his arms watching movies or make her breakfast in bed or carry her around and stuff. Play her songs on a piano or something. Cuddle while she falls asleep.
Those guys exist who dreamed of being boyfriends their whole lives and just want someone to love and hold and vice versa and DO value loyalty.
I'm attempting to court a woman right now WAY out of my league who is extremely difficult to talk to because she sounds a lot like you: She's extremely closed off, cynical and dark and very much a woman who has all but given up on love and doesn't want to let anyone close to her again because they'll hurt her or try to use her for something and doesn't trust anyone. She flat-out told me that she doesn't even trust me because people will say anything to get close and I get the sense my level of positivity, optimism and idealism including waiting for my woman is what actually makes her untrusting trying to find faults in me.

[InventorofWarp]

Irony is even men like me aren't innocent at this point: I spent 4 years that I can never take back as a drug addict after giving up on things and my teenage youth was far from ideal. I grew up alone and around a lot of drugs and moved cocaine and LSD and I threw a lot of punches and broke a lot of teeth as a boy despite never wanting to, but I never really had a choice.
So someone like her who's hardly innocent looks at me like I am and it's funny because I WANTED to be... but I never really was. I didn't have a choice in it. She chose the wild life but it doesn't make her any less innocent in my eyes, someone that beautiful and kind doesn't deserve punishment for, what, having fun? It's really sad to see someone who's been hurt that badly before, especially someone so kind and beautiful.
For some reason after every time I've been hurt... I never lost my faith in women. Maybe because I want to be a boyfriend so badly to someone and I have so much to give but I just can't NOT try. I'm a hopelessly hopeless romantic and it's just in my better nature to try to love and trust again. Even though I'm just as terrified and afraid.
We're all just animals trying to protect ourselves.
Don't lose faith in us.
Don't lose faith in men.
We were all just boys once.
There are decent men out there, you just have to weed through and find us.
Here's a tip: If he considers himself a good man or a hero... he's probably not. Biggest thing I wrestle with in my own head on a daily basis is whether I'm actually a good man or not. The only thing I can say is I try to be.
Good men, we mean well... we just don't always end up doing well.

[mk200195]

Bitterness arises from a sense that things should be otherwise. The means by which we gain any idea of what should be is many and varied, including most significantly social conditioning as well as past experience, but as with all human experience it is all purely subjective. If the circumstances and events that are the cause of our bitterness cannot be changed, the only thing left is to change our strategies for coping with it..


It is always possible to change the way we see, and respond to, life events and circumstances. Changing the story we tell ourselves about our circumstances is not to diminish the gravity of the events themselves or their effects. It is, rather, merely a coping mechanism we may be prepared to consider once the pain of the bitterness we are carrying around in our body and mind becomes intolerable.


We know it is possible to change how we view our life because we know that another person in the same circumstances will quite possibly have a different response - a quick survey of all the optimist/pessimist studies make this readily obvious - because people interpret and process experience differently. Thus it is not the circumstances themselves that create our pain, it is whether we choose to feel pain or not.


Of course this choice may not be conscious, and often it is the most predictable and rational possible response, but this does not alter the fact that a different response is actually available, one that enables healing, growth and wisdom.


An example from my own experience is when I discovered that I had been seriously betrayed. I have to admit to an initial temptation to allow my outrage to harden into an enduring bitterness was great. There was potential for entrenched hatred of half the human race to settle into my world view but eventually the pain of clinging to my bitterness grew too great and I had to work hard to change my response to this experience.


After significant time had passed I decided it was time to look at my role in the whole thing. If I was totally honest with myself - and all personal growth and development opportunities require brutal self-honesty - I had had signs.


This person had revealed their true self several times over the years but, for reasons I didn’t actually understand at the time, I chose to dismiss the information they provided. Now, after having done substantial work to understand my own (mostly unconscious) motives, needs and desires, I see things I had absolutely no understanding of previously.


I came to see that I was addicted to this person. The charge I got from our deeply intimate spiritual, intellectual and physical connection was so intense, unique and precious I could not take in anything that had the potential to endanger it. In fact, I was no different to someone with a heroin addiction. I would allow nothing and no one to get between me and my next “hit.”


I didn't understand that one could be addicted to a person, it was only when I was able to accept my situation that I created the space to start researching the psychology of relationships. I read broadly and deeply, learning so much about myself that I now know I “chose” - albeit mostly unconsciously - the circumstances of my life that led to betrayal. In fact, betrayal was almost inevitable, it was part of the psychological make-up of the person I chose to be with, I just couldn't see it at the time.


Now that I know myself better, and have greater wisdom generally, I choose differently. I can detect the signs that those who are capable of deep deceit and trickery and I allow such people to pass me by.


If I had not been able to accept the circumstances of my life I would still be ranting and raving about this enormous injustice. This experience has been one of the most profound vehicles for self-awareness and self-knowledge in my life, something for which I can honestly say now that I am grateful for and, it seems to me, gratitude is the quickest and most effective remedy for bitterness.

[oralqueen]

find people that are worth your time and don't go for players

[ohshee]

Okay first of all Put the gun down and get that out of your head all the way looking in any relationship you have to understand it's a 50/50 deal to be honest with you all you can do is put your 50% in and do your part and making it right you can't control anybody else why would you want to before you even walk into the relationship you have to say in your mind the odds are he's probably going to cheat on me or calling me me I'll give him the best of me and he cheats didn't cheats there's nothing I can do about it you are not a fool at all is the furthest thing from a fool. The only fools are the guys they tried to pull one over on you they're not only fools but they're Liars they're cheaters they're selfish and they're disgusting think about it one time with your next boyfriend before you get hooked up think about it right then and there what am I going to do if he cheats. There's only one thing you can do you have to accept it and then walk away don't even look back I would not want to be in a relationship and thinking about something that you don't know what's going to happen and just ruined each and every day because you're thinking about it you have to let it go to. Don't allow yourself to live that way it was not your fault did these guys get this to you believe me somewhere down the road they're going to have to pay for it you don't know that yet I do no matter what we do in life we have to pay for it whether it's good or bad. No good deed goes unpunished that's on them that's on them love yourself enjoy life is very short and if somebody does that to you again. Yes you can be pissed off you can be really pissed off but that's on them they might not have to pay for it right then and there but they do have to pay for it one way or the other

[CallmeTheKnight]

The picture highlights in insecurity of yours and trust. You didn't see any red flags, but they were definitely there. I don't know how long it's been before you decide to get official with someone, but moving too fast can open the door for cheating. Sex too early can open the door for cheating.
And one other thing you have to always remember, relationships are reflective of you. Not saying that you're a cheater, but something about you that's attracting them or welcoming them. Your father has nothing to do with the men you choose to date. Because you don't know people the way you think you do even if they're your own parents.

You need to take the time to work on self and heal for yourself. If you don't you going to always choose to be bitter. When you learn to love yourself, you will stop taking just anything. Because if most or all your boyfriends were cheating, that tells me there's something about you that your intentionally leaving out of the details. It takes two to tango

[Anonymous]

Take some time for yourself and stay single for a while. And when you feel ready again, keep trying. You can maybe also try different types of guys if there's a certain "type" you always go for (obviously not working). But also really analyse the past relationships. In my experience, there's always "signs", but we often tend to ignore them. Even if it's as simple as they don't take much of an interest in you as a person or your life (a big one often over looked). But some people are really good actors/actresses. But I think if you're feeling bitter, then you need some time to yourself and stay single for a while. Otherwise you're going to carry that into new relationships, and it'll be "doomed" before it even starts. You can't have that going in.

[Novacane]

Honestly, that's up to you, you need to not look back and let go, there will always be pros and cons to loving someone. It is not fair to take your past experience and dump it on someone who has no idea what is going on. Understand that you are living your love life in a worst-case scenario if you continue that then you will only be finding yourself in those situations because that's all you are focusing on. So leave the past in the past and focus on what's ahead.

[exitseven]

I was bitter as well. I had a couple of relationships that ended badly. I was dumped in the most hurtful way imaginable. I ended up dating a bunch of people and treating them all badly. In my mind maybe I was just getting even.
Don't be bitter. Take break from dating for a little while and then find somebody you like that will treat you right.
We live in an imperfect world and dating is an imperfect process.

[SamFromFL]

Your dad cheating on your mom will be a major part of your trust issues moving forward. So with any new guys you need to make sure you communicate a lot and try to have some patience because no one is perfect.


Ultimately trust is earned by actions matching words over time. Because you have trust issues that timeline is longer than for others. I’m sorry that’s the case but you can’t ignore reality

[SamFromFL]

I have been cheated on so I understand completely you want to protect your heart

[JamesRandiDebates]

You and your mother obviously aren't doing your jobs in the sack. Work on your sex game and guys won't need to look elsewhere are.

[IHateBeingaMan]

be glad that as a girl you don't have to take any initiative

[redlegs123456789]

Drink a beer or smoke a joint or just please do something that relaxes you.

[Anonymous]

Be glad that as a woman you don't have to be The confident assertive one

[In_Trance]

Right now I just think you need some vitamin D

[Anonymous]

just love