Help! Boyfriend thinks that I don't like his friends?

[Elenareedmf]

My boyfriend and i we are together for two months. He is trying to include me into his life and he's very sweet and caring. But I am more introverted and don't feel comfortable socializing as much as him. He asked me a couple of times to go out with his friends, already met them and invited them at my place for beers. I am foreigner and they are all locals and i don't speak their language so it makes it a bit harder to get to know them. I don't want him to think like he's responsible for my socializing and that he has to take me with him every time he goes out. I started avoiding some of these gatherings and now he thinks i do it because i don't like his friends. He presents me as his girlfriend to friends and i don't want to embarrass him or make him feel that he has to take care of me when we go to social events. Tonight he invited me at a club with his friends and other couples and told me that he would be happy if i join them and it would mean a lot to him to be there. My friends also invited me out which i haven't seen as I'm mostly with him or him and his friends. I told him that we don't have to hang out together and can separate our social circles and he took it the wrong way. I want to go with him because i know that this would make him happy but i will not have a good time. I can go to my friends' party and have actually a good time while i could go there with him for a while and then see my friends is also not a bad idea.

[kyleelyn199723]

This needs to be communicated out to him. You need to sit down and talk to him about it. Honestly I am an introvert and I had lots of trouble in relationships because the partners I’ve been with don’t understand what it’s like to be an introvert. Im assuming your boyfriend is an extrovert. Tell him he needs to understand what being an introvert means.

[Elenareedmf]

Yes he is very extroverted. He says that I'm socialising fine and that its in my head the idea of getting awkward in crowded rooms. He kind of put it like there's only one reason you don't wanna join me and this is you don't like my friends. I already told him that his friends are nice but it's not even about them. I just want to be with my friends tonight like he wants to be with his but he made it sound like I'm avoiding his social circle.

[kyleelyn199723]

Yeah he sounds very uneducated about how being introverted is like. I have a set friend group that I’m comfortable being myself around but I’ll literally freeze in other groups that I’m just not comfortable with. Just be careful, this can be a red flag in your relationship. My past relationships did not work out because they had zero understanding that I am introverted.

[kyleelyn199723]

I know the fun’s of this entirely. My ex would get drunk at this far/club and make me fend for myself in a social setting and my other ex enjoyed going to clubs every weekend. It’s so refreshing that my current partner asked me if I’m ever comfortable going to the club with his friend’s wife to be and her friends.

[kyleelyn199723]

At this bar/club*

[kyleelyn199723]

If I’m even comfortable **

[Elenareedmf]

Yeah i know what you are talking about. He doesn't really push me to make a decision but he just expresses his frustration that i don't genuinely enjoy being around his group of friends. And why should I, they are not my friends i keep the formalities for him. I mean i can go for a while with him and when i feel my energy drained there I'd go find my friends. I just feel it's not right to do it to satisfy him cause he got frustrated i told him i wouldn't feel comfortable. I will have a chat with him later ☺

[kyleelyn199723]

Understandable. I constantly repeat to my boyfriend that I am introverted so he understands that it does affect my daily life in a sense

[Elenareedmf]

He thinks that I'm using it as an excuse to avoid his friends that I'm snobbing them or find them boring (not sure if they talked to him about me or is his own interpretation). He doesn't believe that I'm truly introverted cause I'm faking it when we go out and i have to socialize so he says that i am actually open and friendly and there's no problem for me to socialize but i just don't want to make an effort to get to know them. Partly true but also i wouldn't drag him with me to events if he wasn't feeling comfortable and i do respect his alone time he doesn't though understand me.

[kyleelyn199723]

Yeah you need to sit down and talk to him. I’m tell you , this can make or break a relationship honestly. My exes friend group thought I was snobby because I kept to myself a lot when in reality I wanted to be friends with them so badly, I just never felt like they made me feel comfortable

[Elenareedmf]

Yes you totally get me. They think the same about me and then starts the resentment who do you think you are and etc. One of them is friendly the other made some nasty comments about their best friend spending more time with me than them kind of inappropriate jokes and being rude to me when i tried to reply to him. So you get why I'm hesitant to see them again. And he stood there and said nothing only told me not to take it personally and he was just kidding. Basically he made an insult to my character implying that I'm beautiful but stupid and when i replied back he said "i don't need your advise or opinion". Very very nasty and rude. So yes I'm also avoiding them because of this incident. I can make amends but don't get why i would even have to like them just to be friendly with them and keep interactions at minimum.

[Elenareedmf]

*my boyfriend i mean stood there and said nothing. I defended myself ofc cause excuse me he just told me to find him a plant lady like me, sexy but not talking much. I find it very misogynistic and had to respond.

[kyleelyn199723]

I don’t blame you for avoiding them, your boyfriend isn’t standing up for you. Sounds like your boyfriend has a lot of maturing to do as far as not trying to look like the cool friend. As long as his mind is like that, you two won’t be compatible.

[Elenareedmf]

When he's with me he's mature kind and genuinely funny and wouldn't talk about women like that. When he gets with them he's totally passive and lets a lot things to slide that with me he would react by agreeing is not appropriate. They are all of them two years younger than me and these are his school friends for many years, haven't left their countries or travelled a lot or matured through circumstances. I don't even know what he's doing with them. Deep down he knows I find them uninteresting when all i can come up with when he asks is " sure, they are nice"

[kyleelyn199723]

I mean it matters on how a guy treats you in public. It doesn’t sound like he’s treating you all that nicely. He is giving his friends a reason not to like you. Doesn’t sound like he talks about you nicely to them.

[Elenareedmf]

Oh wow I'd be hurt to find out... why would he tell them i don't like them if he's making them not to like me... i mean what's the motive behind that? Me and his friends not getting along?

[kyleelyn199723]

Because he’s being immature and most likely expressing his concerns with you to his friends

[Elenareedmf]

In your opinion, what would be a reason not to like me? I am giving them enough space to be together even when they invited me to places. I haven t stolen their friend away.

[kyleelyn199723]

Well as an introvert myself, I noticed people are a little intimidated by me because they feel as if it’s personal that I don’t talk to them, when it’s not personal at all. I think your boyfriends lack of understanding of what being introverted is, he is taking you not hanging out with his friend group personally and quite possibly telling his friends that he’s upset about that.

[Elenareedmf]

Concerns about me not joining him for example?

[Elenareedmf]

Omg yes i have so many times heard that before... people asking me if i got an issue with them just because i was a bit more reserved. Damn you are right on point...

[kyleelyn199723]

Story of an introverts life lol I have a co worker that messes around with everyone at my job, but he thinks because I’m more reserved that I don’t want him joking around with me, when I’m reality im just overall reserved. My peace comes from not being involved with a lot of people

[Elenareedmf]

Mine as well ☺ he makes fun of me for sleeping very easily when we try to watch a movie or for staying in with Netflix than going out with his friends. And then from joking lightly about it he becomes sarcastic then upset lol can't help it. I am at peace when I'm with less people and more outdoors.

[kyleelyn199723]

Omg I swear we are the same person I’ll tell my boyfriend I absolutely love a movie and he will put it on 20 times and I’ll fall asleep every single time

[Elenareedmf]

Hehe it seems like that ☺ I'm glad that there are more people like us so you get me and I'm not being unreasonable. Nobody's to blame i am just operating differently. And this what makes me unique he wants me to compromise it. I just feel like 70% of this is to show me off to his friends and social group.

[kyleelyn199723]

You are not an object and he shouldn’t be showing you off like you are once😊 he should be comforting you to the point where maybe one day, you will meet them when you are ready. You definitely aren’t being unreasonable. It’s just something only really introverts understand. In my defense of my relationship my boyfriend is an extrovert but he enjoys being alone also so it’s pretty awesome

[Elenareedmf]

He also enjoys that but for some reason wants me to be present at his social gatherings most of the time. And i get into an awkward position. I get it it's important to him but he also has to make a step and understand me. I can attend some of these events but i shouldn't feel bad when i don't feel like joining.

[Wise4myage]

I think you should embrace the idea of leaning a new language, then you wouldn't feel so awkward around his friends.

[Elenareedmf]

Yes but that would take me time and everyone speaks English well including my boyfriend

[Wise4myage]

That's ok, no need to be in a rush.