Is it bad that I don't like my boyfriend's friends?

[Anonymous]

I think they are just a bunch of sleazy drunks and my boyfriend just has way more potential.

[btbc92]

It's bad because they're like that and their your boyfriends friends. It's not, because you know where your stance is with it, and is aganist that kind of lifestyle. However, the real question is, is this badly affecting your relationship? Directly? Don't be afriad to let go if you have to for YOUR sake. You can't convience him to get better friends. This is the kind of friends, he most likely like, unless they weren't always like this. Either way, if boundaries can't be set, be prepared to walk.

[Asker]

It's the one thing we seem to keep fighting about is drinking with his friends. He gets insulted because I don't like to hang out with them. But I tell him, I just don't see the appeal. Another thing that bothers me is they get him so trashed knowing he has to drive home. They don't offer to get him a cab or bother trying to sober him up. And I know this area is also his responsibility. I guess that's why it makes me uncomfortable having him go out with them the way he does.

[btbc92]

You need to end it. I'm sorry. There is no point in arguing. Move on. Find somebody who shares yoru values and views. Stop hanging on to 'dead weight'.

[btbc92]

your*

[Asker]

How is he dead weight?

[btbc92]

How is he not? Reread everything your telling me and everybody else, then you can answer your own question. I just told you. He is going to do WHATEVER HE WANTS. He can care less about what you think, got to say, or feel about his friends. Those are his friends. And he is indulging in practices that you yourself don't approve of. Do you really want a boyfriend like that? Think about it. Do you even want to MARRY somebody like that and have as the father of your children?

[Onidandal]

I wouldn't consider him dead-weight if he's hard-working and wanting to support them both. I would suggest starting small, and simply asking him to not drive home drunk. It's not unreasonable. If he wants to drink, suggest ways of doing it safely. Don't tell him not to. There's a fine line between controlling and caring, and the line is crossed when you see him as dead-weight for no doing what you say. If he ignores that, then it's more obvious that he doesn't care.

[btbc92]

The point of the matter is simple. He's dead weight because he following and doing things that he knows he should not be doing. There is nothing that she can say to stop him from doing what it is that he wants to do because that is his lifestyle. And his lifestyle his friends is obviously affecting their relationship so why should she be involved with somebody who doesn't hold the same values and Views as she does? It's never going to work if he really cared he wouldn't be arguing with her in the first place about it. People who have to learn to understand that when you're not compatible with a person regarding lifestyle, it's best to just end it. Because she is never going to be happy knowing that he has that kind of lifestyle, and hang around those kind of friends and bringing that crap to their relationship.

[btbc92]

Being a hard-working and supporting man have zero to do with morals, values, principles, beliefs Etc. They live in two different worlds and it has to cease while still able to be cut.

[btbc92]

Remember to term: ' you are who you hang out with'.

[Onidandal]

His morals are fine if he's willing to support her. If he's willing to support her and not run away from commitment, then he's fine. Relationships are about compromise, and he needs his friends. Guys aren't emotionless bots. Right now, he's balancing his friends and his relationship.

'If he cared, he wouldn't be arguing with her' sounds extremely controlling. There are gonna be arguments. That's what its like when you have two peoplepeople sharing their lives with each other. It's gonna happen.

No two people will ever hold the same values and views. We're all individuals. Ain't gonna happen, and you shouldn't expect conformity from your partner.

'You are who you hang out with' couldn't be further from the truth. He is not them. If he was, she would have seen it and cut it before two years of commitment.

We all have individual needs. The point isn't to change them or blame the other person, but understand their need and see if compromise can be reached. Build, not destroy.

[btbc92]

I don't think you fully understanding what I am saying. Problem is simply this, she does not like the kind of friends he have that is over all strictly his business. But she don't need to be involved with such a person because again his beliefs are not what she believe and that is why they need to end it. If he wants to drink and do all crazy things with his friends that is his business. Has nothing to do with relationships needing compromise it has everything to do with the key word respect. She don't want him in that kind of environment but it is simply his choice to stay in that environment. It sounds controlling to you because you're the type of person who wants to do whatever they want what else and type of consequence. And then when that person leaves you photos consequences you want to know why that person did. Because in actuality you're all about yourself you're not about the state of your relationship in that person.

[btbc92]

Relationships takes two people who are willing to make it work. And if there is something that is hindering a relationship for moving forward that person has the right to speak up about it. First of all you do need to be with somebody who holds the same or similar values to you because of you have people with different values it's not going to work. I have never said that relationships aren't going to be with arguments I'm over all had stated that if he really cared about what she had said he wouldn't be arguing, by arguing I mean defending his stance that he can just do whatever it is that he liked without thinking of the consequences that is affecting her. Is very clear he's not thinking about that.

[btbc92]

Just because a person is willing to take care of you financially Exedra it does not mean that you just overwrite it because of that. They are emotional, mental, psychological, and of course spiritual matters that must be addressed. Not just the physical matters. And is very clear that as I have said before that these two are not compatible in those areas. So if you want to continue smoking and and doing all that mess with his friends that is perfectly okay. But in the end he's going to lose her.

[btbc92]

And another thing you have to understand it's about preference. She doesn't prefer somebody who has that kind of lifestyle, or friends who are bad influence what she clearly just stated that in the very beginning. Then why should she continue being involved with a person who has no intentions of changing. If he thinks what he's doing is right that's left up to him but other than that she has to leave so that way he can find somebody else who doesn't mind him smoking, partying and living it up. I know for myself somebody wants to try to date me and they had a lifestyle they would be rejected immediately. I don't live like that I would not want a person like that.

[btbc92]

And besides if he changes he needs to change for himself. Ask a cares about him and don't want to see him do bad and wrong. What you need to understand is your version of controlling is people's version of caring and you know what it's called? It's called tough love. But sadly it sounds like a lot of you just don't want it. And it said that you are the type of person that wants somebody who is willing to tolerate your BS when they really shouldn't have to. Especially when it's going to hurt them.

[Onidandal]

Oooh, ooh, are we doing ad hominem attacks? Here's one: You have no idea what it means to compromise in relationships. Didn't I say that within such, two people share their lives? Your version of 'respect' is no arguing, don't give any lip, because she obviously knows better. You know what that gets people? It gets people into abusive, controlling relationships. It's not 'I do whatever I want without consequence', it's 'I understand that people have free will'. As for 'being all for myself', so is everyone else. We all look for what benefits us best, and the reason we put up a 'selfless' act is because we want to look desirable. Sorry, nothing particularly noble about that. Part of personal health is the state of the relationship, though, which is why I was saying to compromise a bit. No, it's not perfect, but it's better.

[Onidandal]

Relationships take two people to make it work. This includes understanding the other person, rather than assuming that you know better than them. She has the right to speak up, I am not arguing that at all. But why is he choosing to be with these friends? Are they his only friends? Have they been established to be good friends for a while? These are questions that you need to take into consideration, so that you can make suggestions to help them better themselves. And financial stuff doesn't matter? Then who's gonna get you the money to get food every day? How about a roof over your head? These things require money, which requires labor to acquire unless you are very lucky. He is providing these things for her out of love, and it would be insane to say that he doesn't care. Maybe he doesn't have the time to meet other friends due to his job, and these guys are established? You seem incredibly immature and all about you without thinking of how it could affect you long-term.

[Onidandal]

Onto your point of preference: She knows very well that she doesn't technically have to stay with him if she doesn't like his lifestyle. But she saw something in him that attracted her, which seems to be the hard work, so she wants to stay and help to make it right. Whether or not that's a good idea has yet to be seen. Face it, no one is perfect, and no one should be expected to be such. Being willing to put in work has obviously outweighed what he does with his friends. The two of them have argued quite often about what he does with his friends, but he stays with her instead of moving on to someone who is more accepting of his current lifestyle. Why is that? Does she provide emotional support that he needs? Probably, seeing as the lifestyle of a labor worker is intensive and doesn't allow for a lot of rest or free time.

[Onidandal]

Yes, the asker cares about him. 'Caring' can be framed any way possible. In your case, what you call 'tough love' really is controlling. If 'caring about the relationship' meant not arguing or defending yourself, then my grandfather and his current wife have such a caring relationship, while she drains his bank account and steals his phone while he spends the rest of his life in a retirement home. Does he care about the relationship? Seems like it. Does she care about the relationship? Only because she gets money. Neither of them argue about it, and my grandfather's wife wears the pants. I know full well the difference between controlling and caring.

[btbc92]

Sadly what you not understanding fully it's exactly what I had said. Just because she sees potential in him it does not mean she has to continue to be involved with the situation because of it. You are speaking about a lot of things that have zero to do what the situation is at hand. The situation at hand is that her boyfriend is hanging around with people that are not good for him. It doesn't matter why he hangs out with him and it doesn't matter if he's supplying money or not. They are not married therefore it is his business whether or not he wants to give his finances to somebody he isn't legally married to.

[btbc92]

That right there what you talking about is a whole nother story and therefore we need to keep that out of the conversation we are talking about the drinking and the type of friends that he's hanging around with. We are not talking about who's perfect and people makes mistakes with talking about people who knows exactly what they are doing. The friends and the lifestyle that they are living is the problem. And you want to know why he staying? He's staying because he knows that she isn't going to really do anything about it except continue to argue and plead with him which he is it going to take seriously. I know the kind of mine said he have and therefore I am not stupid. And the only way he's going to really take anything seriously is unless she walks. Until then he ain't going to do nothing because he's too comfortable. When someone is too comfortable in a relationship that is a very bad sign.

[xxmoonlightxx]

It's not bad at all.
You notice characteristics of the friends that know they aren't going anywhere and you want your boyfriend to excel not be dragged down.
Your best option is just to invite him out with people that will make him feel welcome and grow. He will slowly see that hanging out with drunk people is not his forte and he will slowly fade from them. Other than that there's nothing more you can do. You can't force him to not hangout with his friends.

[MsMusic]

I don't care for my guy's friends so much either, but it's his choice. I haven't said anything to him. They're ok, mostly hookah/weed smokers. If he grows out of them then cool. If not, and they're lifelong friends, then that's ok too. I'm dating him, because I like him. Not because I like his friends.

[admelein]

It's not bad at all I wouldn't worry about it. Reading some of your comments you seem to be worried about him getting taken advantage of. It wouldn't be a horrible idea if you talk to him what you think. Because you have a good reason to worry for him. It's been two years he should be able to take a little comment from you. Just clarify it's not a make or break thing that you just don't like seeing him getting taken advantage of.

[Guardian412]

It's completely normal. Sometimes its actually good if you and your partner has two different company, so time to time both of you can hang out without each other. And you should gather a third friend group around you, the ones that both of you can go out with.

[Ailenerose]

I know how u feel. But these are your bfs choices not yours. So I really don't know what to say. You can introduce got boyfriend to the friends you like and see if he gets along with them. Don't make the mistake of talking bad about his friends though chances are he's heard it from others and might have higher potential for u too.

[Ailenerose]

Your*

[LittleSally]

You are who you hang out with... Maybe your boyfriend is a sleezy drunk too...
If all of his friends are like that the chances are they're all pretty much very similar in that regard...
Maybe, just as you think your boyfriend does, they all have so much more potential... but they just don't care to open that particular potential out and use it...

[menina]

You're not forced to like them. They are his friends, not your friends. I'm sure there are times when you can avoid them.
Just don't tell your boyfriend that you don't like them (if you didn't).
He might think you're trying to ruin their friendship or he might choose them over you.

[Gillmichael814]

I'd say make friends that you like spending time with, invite him to join you guys, and make an effort to hear him out about why he spends time with his friends. Don't try to persuade him to leave them, just listen to what he has to say.

And are you sure you're not just jealous of the attention they get from him? You might be perceiving the situation inappropriately and painting them in a bad light to justify wanting him to be with you more often. What "sleazy drunk" stuff is going on?

And the bottom line is that you can't make him actualize his potential, only he can. But you can find somebody else who doea share that value with you.

[Robsinsf53]

Didn't you know of these friends when you got together with him? If so, not much you can do. If not, tell him in a non threatening way that he could have "better" friends. As for not liking his friends, no it's not bad. Sounds like there's not too much to like.

[Asker]

We met through mutual friends. Eventually I met the ones I didn't like. They honestly didn't leave a bad impression at first. It wasn't until later in the relationship I started noticing this.

[Robsinsf53]

OK, just tell him what you told us... nicely.

[InTimoreDei]

There's no obligation to like his friends. It would be better if you did because then you could hang out all together. But, it is not necessary really. It is much much easier, however, if the friends of a significant other are tolerable or fun to be around so that one could plan events and have people over to the house.

[J4Zzi3]

it'll be bad in the long term.
they'll always hang out with him let say maybe forever? and every time your hatred will accumulate and explode in the long terms.

woman friendship and guys are different.
guys friendship is kinda pure? they don't want anything from their friend and fine with hanging out and talk and just play games together.
although sometimes friends have bad effect on them.

[NitroCat]

Depends on how you handle them. I had a good friend once where his girlfriend and I didn't click for while at all, to the point I stopped coming over. Yeah. Be careful that you dont put him in a situation that he has to choose okay? Just something personal.

[Comesaveme]

Yeah but that doesn't mean you should tell him to not hang out with them. Trust me no one likes an over-controlling SO.

[ManOnFire]

Not bad, no. When there's a woman I'm into I usually don't like her girlfriends either. In fact whenever a woman has only female friends and spends time with them regularly, it's a red flag for me.

[dwiller943]

I don't blame you. I find that as a red flag as well. Hell, I even find guys who have only male friends as a red flag as well. Like mix it up a bit.

[Hassaniscool]

Why? I'm a guy with only guy friends

[Anshul07]

This isn't bad, you just want better for your boyfriend but keep this mind, boys are too good in their friendship (boys-boys). Think before taking any moves.

[Asker]

He knows how I feel about his friends. But he will give me some lame ass excuse like "They are family".

His friends under pay him if they have work and over use him. It seriously annoys me. If I took the same shit from a friend, he would think it was a problem.

[Anshul07]

I can understand... See if his friends involves in some kind of bad or illegal activities, then you seriously need to take step against it. Else play slowly and quietly. See boy thinks they are more mature and they trust their friends as a family.

[steveguitar]

It's hard to like other people's friends, but they grew up together, ne day they will be normal... maybe. not bad to hat them, but if you can get along with them turn that's good enough

[Anonymous]

Yes, but he isn't going to abandon his friends for you so you'll just have to live with it. Forcing your boyfriend to choose between you and his friends is an issue he will not want to deal with, you will just have to learn to tolerate them.

[Drifting_tiger]

Bros before hoes... Jking

[Opinion Owner]

@Drifting_tiger savage

[TacosRAwesome]

Nah its normal. As long as your reasons are valid and not based just on wanting your boyfriend around all the time.

[HOAAH]

I don't think it is that bad, it's not like you don't like your boyfriend. As long as you treat them with respect.

[Asker]

I do this by avoiding them.

[Anonymous]

Not bad that you don't like them, but kinda bad that he chooses to associate with that kinda people.
That being said, I wouldn't get in the way of their friendship unless it was ruining our relationship.

[Chanel1981]

Unfortunately the types of people someone chooses to hang out with reflects on them. How long have you been together?

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

No it's not bad. You like whom you do and you have a good reason.

[MetalPanther]

Personally I don't think it's a good idea to have either of your friends mixed together. Either you spend time with your friends, or with your partner. Not all together at the same time.
Keep both circles separate. It makes things less complicated.

[MysteriousDarkness]

@MetalPanther what happens if a persons friends think they are not good enough to meet your boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancé/fiancée, husband/wife and vice versa

[MetalPanther]

If someone thinks "you're not good enough" you cut them out of your life.

[ChronicThinker]

No, I think a lot of my boyfriend's friends are losers. I don't stop him from talking to them though.