Good communication?

[Anonymous]

I texted my boyfriend good night text around 23 pm. We talked on the phone earlier today and he said he will be watching netflix. We had a discussion about us and how I felt he's been distant and how his mental illness (he was recently diagnosed with OCD and psychosis) is being hard on both sort of checking in how we feel about it. I suggested he makes a list of activities that he enjoys doing and to take it step by step and that we can work it if he wants to try. He said that the idea is wonderful and will think of something for us to do. I explained how I am over thinking when he wants time to himself and he told me not to do that as I am helping him and not causing him stress as I believe. Sometimes I leave him thoughtful texts when I know he's having tough time and doesn't want to see anybody. I don't want to be causing him stress cause he told me he believes he isn't a good partner doesn't take me out much or call much and it's frustrating him. Should I keep providing my support and love as I do now? I don't text him to get a reply mostly but to let him know that I am there for him and I care. They say a good night texts goes a long way but I don't want to end up smothering him. Sometimes he feels he hates himself and doesn't deserve love no matter how many times I remind him how amazing he is. He even doesn't understand why I'm still with him and be so understanding. My last text was sweet dreams gorgeous.

[horatiohornblower]

All you can do is be supportive. Just let him know that if you're being too much for him. That he should let you know.

I'd suggest you ask him about doing a group session with you, him and the doctor/therapist occasionally. Just so they can let you know how to help him and better understand his condition. Plus you can go over ideas you have to help him and what you're doing at home. Just to see if they're a good idea or not. Also to have a safe space for each of you to voice your relationship concerns.

Don't let it take away too much from your life either. You can't help him if you don't watch over yourself. Be willing to acknowledge your own stress and understand it isn't selfish. Calmly talk with him about your concerns. So, he can support you too.

Find things he can do for you. Then it won't feel so much like a one way street for him.

If it gets to be a bit much. You can always see a therapist yourself occasionally. They aren't just for the mentally ill. But also for people who just need someone to talk to about their problems. Because this can be stressful for you too.

[Asker]

Thank you for what you wrote everything's helpful. I am currently trying to navigate how not to get worked up or anxious when he doesn't reply or call back for few hours coupled with my worry if I'm actually helping him or being too much. We have open and honest communication so i think he would have told me if I'm smothering him. I expressed today to him my frustration we end up seeing each other 2 times a week when we used to go out every 1 or 2 days. I felt he was being distant and stopped sharing how he feels so I had no idea for a few days how he's been coping up. He opened up to me on Friday when we got together and I started gaining more perspective. I'm just afraid that focusing on what we don't do I make it worse and push him away than bond more so I started discussing solutions with him. I just wanted to express my thoughts over the phone to clear out if he needs to separate so he can focus on his mental health as I understand it's hard navigating both in case this creates more stress to him and he said to stop over thinking and that w eare going to see each other in the week. I just feel like I missed the man I fell in love with but I cannot demand more from him thar what he can give. He is so loving and caring that then I feel guilty for expressing him how I really feel about our relationship. We regularly talk about that which i thought was good but now i realize we should progress it to solutions since he told me he agrees to work on this and improve our relationship. He thought that the issue started because he wanted to stay home instead of meeting but for me it was a period of him wanting to stay alone home than doing activities together which started frustrating me so I explained that it's not about today but overall frequency and quality time we spent. I feel that i screw up but maybe I'm overthinking it and my support does help him.

[horatiohornblower]

Relationships can be tough for people with mental illness. Depending on the illness they may want to withdraw from the world. I think keeping a relationship helps. As they have an anchor to the real world.

While I don’t know his specific illness. I know psychiatrists generally wants the person to go out and participate. Just to keep it within their comfort zone and have a safe escape. But push out a little.

This is new to you. Overthinking it is natural. As you get to understand it and him. You’ll get used to it and not think so much about it. You can also read up on literature about his conditions. Knowledge really helps.

[Asker]

I do read about it but sometimes when we talk about it i realise that i don't actually understand it and it breaks my heart to see his progress slowing down. I might have been more expressive than usual about my feelings but he kept withdrawing and didn't want to tell me the reason ofc I knew it's because he was feeling shitty. I was trying to get him to do something over the weekend but he was resisting any suggestion for date. I called him this morning and tried to flirt a little but he wasn't in the mood and it threw me off then I realised that i might have pushed it without intending to by trying much to remind him of our good times together so I called him again and asked me if he wants to try and work on finding a balance so we can maintain spending quality time and emotionally supporting each other and he agreed. But didn't call me in the night as usual so i left him a good night text. Now i feel terrible for being overly honest with my frustration and hopeleness in being there for him. I told him that he can share anything with me his thoughts etc and even if he wants to spend alone time I'll understand just to give me a heads up so we can reduce the likeness someone getting frustrated. I don't know how to make this better i feel like Im letting him down by focusing on one day he didn't want to meet i was just trying to get him out of the house and i partly felt hurt that my partner doesn't want to spend time with me anymore.

[horatiohornblower]

There's not really anything you can do to make it better. Just like if a person has a physical illness. All you can really do is offer support and learn better methods of dealing with him.

He could be going through depression. Especially if this is just starting to get worse or he's recently been diagnosed.

Also, if he was put on meds. Then the changes occurred. Those meds could be seriously affecting his mental state. They may be a bad fit, he may need the doses adjusted or to try alternate meds. So, it's something to bring up with his doctor.

As they can really screw with your mental state when they're a bad fit. Psychiatric drugs are sort of a craps shoot. Where they have to toss different meds at a patient until they find something which works decently.

[Asker]

The thing is we talked today and I told him I want to tell him what's in my heart and how I want us to find a balance and work together and he said no lets talk in the evening cause I asked if this is a good time and in the end i texted him everything's fine to catch up tomorrow cause honestly I felt he didn't want to talk about it again so I figured it's best to find the right moment. Maybe he wants to avoid talking about it cause it seems like I want to point out again how he fails to show up for me and this is a point of friction and disappointment for both. I honestly don't know how to approach this.

[horatiohornblower]

Try speaking in "I" phrases rather than "You" phrases during an argument. I don't just mean argument like yelling but in the classical definition of argument. With a point and counterpoint discussion. "You" phrases often sound like blame. Which will put someone on the defensive. "I" phrases are more passive and easier to listen to.

"You don't see me enough" vs "I want to see you more"
"You hurt my feelings" vs "I feel hurt when those things are said to me"
"You need to be on time." vs "I don't feel important when someone's late"

"I'd like a couple's session with your doctor. To better understand your condition. I'd like to find better strategies for us to have a life together."

"I'd like to spend some time with you. When is a good time? We can just sit and talk or whatever you'd like. I just want to see you." Because meeting to discuss an emotional issue specifically is very daunting. Even in good circumstances. I think it's better to set a mood for a pleasant time together. Then bring up an issue, using I statements. Rather than meeting to discuss a relationship issue.

If an argument starts to get heated. Before you reply. Take a step back and a breath before you reply. Before you make a sharp and critical remark you'll regret. Really this goes for arguing with anyone.

If you have to. Walk away then come back. When you've both had a chance to calm down and can go back to the "I" statements. I'm sure you know how arguments can get heated and you say things you regret. Before a short breather allows cooler heads to prevail.

[Asker]

I just mentioned that I wanted to tell him how I feel. I haven't said addressed anything yet but I will keep that in mind.

[KasonBader]

He doesn't want time for himself he wants to be with you more but he doesn't know what to say and he doesn't know what to do so he spends this time of being alone trying to think of ways to spend more time together.

[Asker]

I don't know about that because what I feel is that he doesn't want to see anybody when he gets this pattern of thoughts which happens very often. Am doing something wrong here? I feel like my love and care might be overwhelming.

[Asker]

I'm interested what makes you believe that, if you see something that I don't see here that might be helpful to stop internalising my guilt for expressing how this situation is impacting us a couple or that we stopped spending much quality time together.

[KasonBader]

He might have depression also now that I think about it, because you said he doesn't spend much time with people and likes to be alone, so he might be depressed, the reason is unkown I would need more information about what has happened in his life, but depression causes you to want to be alone, I know this because I have it.

[Asker]

And when you want to be alone do you really want to or you hope someone that who cares about you won't leave you alone? Cause even when i try to cheer him up or send him some good vibes or ask him to go for a walk he insists on being alone so I drop it. I feel like I'm not getting this right. I already love him a lot and don't want to give up just ask him for a little help to navigate this together if he wants. I feel like I'm failing him although i do my best to understand him and not take it personally.

[KasonBader]

That is one of the many side effects of depression even though you know they live you and you love them back you still want to be alone and can't really ever talk to peopple as much so it makes you want to be alone no mattter what, I wish you could understand more but I don't know how else to describe depression and it's side effects of basically social anxiety.

[Asker]

He was diagnosed with ocd personality disorder and gets intrusive thoughts that he can't control. He tells me every day is shitty for him and doesn't find a reason to wake up in the morning. I am the exact opposite, I get excited about things and have a lot of energy which clashes with that and only makes us feel worse cause I have no clue on how to help him start living again.

[Asker]

I do understand it and it makes me feel horrible like I'm focusing on how much this affects me and how he is no longer interested in our relationship than how he really feels about himself. I'm not surprised he doesn't reply sometimes to my texts. What can I do to show my support in a constructive way?

[KasonBader]

Maybe he sees that because you are basically the exact opposite of him he feels ho shouldn't be around you. I don't know how else to explain this, I am sorry.

[Asker]

Don't be sorry please it's not your fault. I am just trying to understand the situation better so i let go of my stupid insecurities and support him the best way I can cause I love him and I've seen him having his good days where he's amazing and fun and sweet. Just don't want to have the opposite effect by trying a lot to uplift him and make him laugh than stay home alone and think. Does sending thoughtful messages help when we are apart like good night or thinking of you or I'm proud of you or want to remind you how amazing you are help?

[KasonBader]

Usually good night and good morning are the best but it seems with him good night is better becuase you said he doesn't seem to like waking up alive instead of staying asleep being dead, so I feel if you ask other people that have depression and ocd and etc they can help more.

[Asker]

I sometimes send him sweet dreams text or good night gorgeous or reminding him that I love him and I'm there for him and that he's amazing ( he doesn't believe any of this to be true but I still do it). Yes it seems a good idea thank you talking to you already helped me start getting better perspective. Do you still find it encouraging when you are having bad time cause of depression to read messages from loved ones or receiving their calls or does it make it worse? Because he admitted to me he doesn't love himself and doesn't feel loveable.

[KasonBader]

I don't get messeges from loved ones because nobody loves or cares about me so I don't know if that would be good but I think many people with depression also suffer from that kind of loneliness. And now that I think of it he might of had something bad happen recently and is expressing his feeeling sby being alone.

[Asker]

I'm really sorry to hear that but if it helps I had passed through depression in my early 20s and nobody knew about it or cared to see it and I passed it alone. It was many years ago and don't really remember how it used to be for me but I was occupying my time with activities to avoid time with myself and my thoughts but in the night i had insomnia and cried myself to sleep. Was writing a lot during this period it helps. I always think I wish I wasn't so ashamed to share how i felt instead of pretending to be fine cause if only 1 person cared to show up for me or support me i could have saved myself few years of suffering. My experience was different though cause even if I wanted to be alone i deliberately didn't listen to myself and was just ignoring feeling like shit until i had a severe breakdown and started therapy. It also triggers for me this period. I wanted people to leave me alone but if they did is like it validated my feelings of self loathing and worthlessness and deep down hoped someone would notice and just show up and tell me everything's going to be alright. So I am operating having this thought that what people failed to do for me I do for my boyfriend cause I don't want him to feel the feeling of hopelessness i experienced that nobody loves me or cares. Do you want to talk about it if you need someone to talk?

[KasonBader]

I also have Insomnia, but the way I sleep is just sit there and empty my mind and just lay there with an empty bead and then I'm sleep in an instant

[Asker]

Did you try valeriana? I started using it to deal with my anxiety. It helped me falling asleep and waking up refreshed.

[KasonBader]

No, but I probably won't because I sometime rely on my insomnia like right now i should have been alseep at 10pm it is currently 204am and I am up trying to make sure girls understand what most guys think and feel about hings or what is going on at that moment

[Asker]

Kudos for at least helping others! What would you make of my post and my situation? I really want to call him later but not sure what's his mood. I can drop him a message but our texting is mostly me writing and initiating.

[Asker]

I don't mind that but don't want to overwhelm him or exaggerate it cause it will only make him close off.