How do you feel more confident in yourself and stop believing that you're trash & don't deserve anyone? Also, just feel like you're not enough?

[poneglyphs]

I have this problem badly probably because of my bad experiences with girls and I don't have many good experiences with any girl? When I see a cute girl I usually shoot them down mentally because I think that they will never like me but a couple of friends I do have all say that I have a winning personality and I am already good enough to get a girlfriend. Also, feel pretty bad that I'm still a virgin at 27 and don't really date much. All, I do os just work, sleep, and play video games or hangout with my friends when I can.

[MarkRet]

"All, I do is just work, sleep, and play video games or hangout with my friends when I can".

There's part of your problem right there. Any girl will see that you're not growing or going anywhere, and think that there's no room for her in your life. What you should do is get into things that will expand your horizons and give you a sense of achievement and self-confidence. Don't worry about the girls for now, just get into something like ice skating lessons, dance lessons (women outnumber the guys about 2 to 1), sailing lessons, horseback riding, things like that. Also, be friends with anybody you meet along the way, even older women. You'll be sharpening your communication skills (and if you get on good terms with them, they might have some daughter or niece that they could introduce to you).

I did that with ice skating lessons. At the beginning, I could barely stand up, but I kept getting better, and could even do some small jumps. Sometimes, women would actually come up to me, and asked if I could show them how to do a certain move. Conversation takes off from there. If nobody was interested in talking, I'd just go back to working on my skating. Having skills like these gives you things you can talk about when you ARE on a date, or can give you a venue for taking someone on a date.

[IMuser]

Are there any other skills where a similar thing can be achieved? Like one is attending yoga classes. Any other?

[MarkRet]

@IMuser - In the case of looking for a woman, any activity that they might be interested in. You don’t want to get too much into model train layouts, for example. That’s too much of a strictly guy thing.

[IMuser]

I see

[poneglyphs]

@markret
Well, I usually go on hikes in the summer time or spring but it's been pretty cold or rainy this month.

[MarkRet]

You have to also think about whether she’s the rugged outdoor type who isn’t bothered by cold and rain. It helps to have some other activity as a backup.

[virtue2332]

First of all you have to let the past go and not let the experience affect any new experiences. I'm not saying don't learn from them and correct any issues that appear to a common issue. For one women like confident dependable and at times funny men. Its also important to not act as if you are someone you are not. Play to your strengths. There has to be something you are talented at or something your proficient at. Work on those skills and become better at it and look for someone who is interested in that. It's mathematics to some degree. Every relationship you have that went bad and we all have them get you closer to that special person so you are progressing if you think of it in that sense be happy you are now closer than ever to meeting the one.

[poneglyphs]

I will just that I have no relationship experience just had like 3 dates so far in my life and it never went anywhere. Other times I just get ghosted or ignored.

[virtue2332]

Relationship experience will come and its always different because people are different and have different ways of showing and how they expect to receive love. I'm not going to say it's easy or there is a fool proof way but Im not young and I've been through all kinds of scenarios. Having been in the millitary and traveled a lot it came with the territory. First thing first if your out with a girl on a first date you have to do your best to not make it more awkward than it already is. If she is not comfortable it's going nowhere. So you have to get out of your head and actually be present during the date. First dates that go well are fun friendly and flirty. You can't rush into it guns blazing ready to move in with her. You have to create a fun environment be a little flirty but create some tension that that builds into anticipation. Find out what this person likes or something she is good at and let her show you or teach you make sure you have fun and a good attitude. You have to be able to laugh at yourself and if you do something stupid laugh it off and call yourself out don't internalize it and make it awkward. Dress appropriately make sure your hygiene is on point you have to show them you take care of yourself and it's important because if you can't care for yourself why would she believe your capable of caring for her.

[poneglyphs]

Oh, I do those things. I like having fun with people who I want to know. I joke wuth them a lot, ask them lots of questions, talk about myself, listen to them and just create an open environment

[RealMarek]

Well, you can look at the glass half empty or the glass half full. You’ve had a few dates during the past year. It might not seem like a lot, but it’s an improvement, right? You have a job. Are you getting work experience? Good. You’ve been exercising, right? Also good. But really, your value doesn’t derive from all of these things you are doing or what women think of you. You have a great personality and you’re a good guy. You seem like someone who would be a loyal friend. That’s worth a lot in itself. You’re just getting hung up on this one issue (women and sexual frustration), so try to look at the bigger picture. You’re definitely not trash. I suspect that as you mature and gradually gain more confidence in who you are, women will start coming out of the woodwork.

[poneglyphs]

Yeah you're right about that and I'm a loyal friend. I don't exercise much because I get too tired after wotk now but I try to two times a week

[HighlyVolatile]

I don't know. I just don't think about myself much like a fixed target. I figure if I need to work on something, I can work on it.

I'm trying to really cut down my drinking, for example. I could see myself as a borderline alcoholic if not a full-blown one and that's definitely true. I don't like that very much about myself. Yet I don't see it as something impossible to fix.

So I think as long as you think there's some chance, however small, to fix what we don't like about ourselves, then that can prevent you from feeling hopeless about anything.

[HighlyVolatile]

Let's say that your odds of getting a girl to agree on a date are actually on the low end. In that case, all you have to do is multiply the volume! Ask way more women out. Then one is bound to say yes at some point. Might be like the 50th one but that's all you have to do.

[poneglyphs]

I already asked like 50 girls I think and most just ignore me or ghost me so...

[HighlyVolatile]

In that case, your odds might still not be so low. It might just be a really cold deck. Sometimes you can lose even a coin toss with 50/50 odds eight times in a row. It only happens like 1/256 times but still happens far more often than we tend to intuitively think. You could also try to take notes, improve your approach, which might simultaneously improve your odds.

[poneglyphs]

Like what kind of tips? Shave, groom, wear good cologne, and dress to impress?

[HighlyVolatile]

All of the above and also you can see what sort of material works best to interest girls and people in general when you talk to them.

[poneglyphs]

But I already do that honestly. I don't out as much because I'm tired or don't have a car 😕

[HighlyVolatile]

I think it might help to just try to make some new friends among girls. Mix up your social group and you can practice talking to girls all the time that way, then step it up if they are showing signs of attraction.

[HighlyVolatile]

Can also work on getting a car! Just set aside a little bit of money each payday in savings.

[poneglyphs]

Ahh, that would be nice. I do have some girlfriends but we barely talk or are busy with their relationships 😕😕

[poneglyphs]

I am saving for a car too. I have almost 4 K in the bank

[HighlyVolatile]

One thing is that there's endless room for improvement; I don't know any man who is perfect. I think there's a lot of wisdom in the advice to attract women to be our genuine selves, but our genuine selves might not be appealing enough to most unless we improve upon them and present the best.

So it sounds disingenuous but I always saw getting a girl as a matter of skill. By skill, I don't mean one involving manipulation and deception, but straightforward and honest charm. We can keep it within ethical constraints. I would say I required some of the skills I developed even to charm the love of my life (my wife). So even for us monogamous types not interested in being a player or fuckboi, it does help to see this as a skill thing upon which you can improve.

[HighlyVolatile]

If I try to relate it to your fondness for video games, it's like an RPG. You can accumulate experience points and level up. But you have to grind a bit and work for it and face some challenges (not just the easiest ones) to continue leveling up.

[poneglyphs]

Ahh okay. I am focusing on myself but I don't feel like I see improvements :(

[HighlyVolatile]

You can try to find more ways to measure in that case. Like if you are trying to run to get in shape, you can measure your speed to cover a distance rather than routinely just doing the distance. The more ways you have to measure your progress, the more progress you'll see with your efforts.

[poneglyphs]

okay, I try to exercise when I can but most of the times I just rest because I'm too tired from work.

[HighlyVolatile]

I was using that metaphorically although it applies to fitness as well! It applies to our whole life: if we get obsessed with a goal and don't have many ways to measure our progress, it can seem hopeless very often. But if you have ways to measure and see improvements with your efforts, then it can be motivating and fun.

[Avicenna]

It comes from within. No one can make you lack confidence in yourself. I’d stop wasting your time on video games and do activities where you will socialize.
You also do not need to be validated by having a girlfriend to be a worthwhile person

[poneglyphs]

Well, I play video games to relax and unwind. Other than that I will try to do more things outside but it's been raining and cold most of the time. Also not having a car doesn't help also.

[Phoenix-gb]

Wish I knew, I know exactly where you're coming from and get the same hollow platitudes from friends including the dreaded "why can't I find a guy like you?" from a female friend who knew I liked them. I hope you find an answer or better yet, find your forever person soon, I fear it's too late for me.

[DaveToo]

That is a question for the ages, isn't it? Self-doubt and lack of confidence can make you feel like a loser. You're not, but until you accomplish one of your major goals you might continue to feel this way.
Chose one of the main goals you want to accomplish in life and work at it primarily until you achieve it. Or pick something that you fear and face it. Nothing is more fearful than the unknown.

[exitseven]

If you think you are not enough, then do the work to make yourself better.

[poneglyphs]

I'm trying to but I don't know if I'm improving

[Waldoe]

Volunteer for a Good cause, help the elderly, poor, crippled... you will learn how to love yourself

[Anonymous]

It was barely last year that I like to feel at least two women could have prevented me from becoming an incel.