Was I wrong for asking for exclusivity?

[Anonymous]

My ex and I started seeing each other again. We quickly fell back into each other’s arms and later had sex. Multiple times. I was waiting to have sex while I was dating until it was with someone who can one day be my husband so I withdrew from sex for over a year. He knew all of this. It was easy to fall into that with him because of how much I do love him for many years. Within a month or so we spent a lot of time together. We got really close and had sex multiple times. But every time I did I would tell him I didn’t feel comfortable because he didn’t know how he felt about being with me in the future. It would hurt so I told him I want space then he would come right back and we would have sex again and the same thing would happen. I played a part in it, I know. So the most recent time I finally asked him that if this is going to continue I would like exclusivity and he said he can’t do that. I told him to please give me the space that I asked. I started to get frustrated and cried. We ended up arguing although I have been patient with him through this process. we had this conversation, why was it so much to ask for exclusivity. I later felt guilty for arguing as I don’t like doing it but I’m just so hurt. I kept trying to tell him I wanted space because I wasn’t ok with giving so much energy and now my body to someone who doesn’t know what they want from me.

[omnivert]

I like you girl, just start loving yourself now, don't be mean to yourself.
If you want a space, then get a travel ticket and explore more, in your holidays.

I would like to say that don't push yourself to be so nice to someone just by years of relationship.
You both are individuals of almost similar age, and I want you to rethink that is it your duty to make someone a husband material for someone else.

Of course, he is not going to come back or will propose to you if you don't tell him what are your needs and stand-alone on those thoughts.
And I want to tell you something.
Lack of sex causes anxiety to anyone if they do it multiple times after a good conversation. And they stopped for a month.
They need cuddling, they need arms, and they need emptiness to fill in.

If it happens to him, and he is still not getting it and just want to make it casual then I hope you will find a place of aloneness, I want you to be honest with yourself if someone is not honest with you.

I love what you are trying to do. But if he is not worth that, then make him realize what you are worth. Be bold and say it, be it, be honest, and respect yourself for trying too hard. Be proud of your making an effort to make everything better.

[Truthbewithyou]

You seem very hurt over this situation and I'm sorry you're hurting. But... I do have to bestow some truth upon you.

Your ex boyfriend called your bluff. You're saying your morals but you're not sticking to them. No guy is going to give you exclusivity when he's getting what he wants without it. Most guys don't really want to be in relationships. Most guys don't want to get married either. Some do want it, but most don't. With you, he's getting what he wants without having to give you anything more than what he wants to give you. Exclusivity means his freedom from getting with other girls is over. He doesn't want to give that up.

No, you're not wrong for asking for exclusivity. But, When you asked for exclusivity, what was it for? Do you really want to be with him or do you want exclusivity to feel better about having sex with him or do you want exclusivity to feel better about yourself? Is your ex the guy you want to end up with or is he just the guy giving you attention when you feel lonely and therefore, you go back to him? All of this has more to do with you than it does him. He knows what he wants and what makes him feel good. Sex without a relationship is what he likes. That's what he's getting. You have to figure out exactly what you want, what makes you feel good about yourself, stick to it, and get with the person who gives you what you want.

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing he won't change, so you're probably going to have to be the "strong" one and end things, but for good. It might mean cutting off all contact (not ghosting, but ending it but he's to not contact you again). He's getting all that he wants (sex - and assume that's it as he has no interest in any of your needs), but you're not getting all your needs met. You'll have to "put your foot down" and stand up for yourself. And you're even willing to bypass husband at this point and only asking him to be exclusive with you, which isn't asking a lot in my opinion under these circumstances, and he can't even do that! So... it might be hard, but you'll have to do what's right for you! He's not going to.

[Anonymous]

You demonstrated that your words hold no weight. If you had the discipline and self control to enforce your boundaries even with him, it's likely that would have made a big impact. Like many people, your boundaries are never enforced under pressure. When this happens, people lose respect because if your words mean nothing, and you do not enforce your boundaries how can you be trusted to be a wife? How could a husband trust your word when you say something?

'So the most recent time I finally asked him that if this is going to continue I would like exclusivity'

That's a perfect definition of putting the cart before the horse.

'why was it so much to ask for exclusivity'

Exclusivity is your desire, and his compromise if you look at it on a raw level.

'I wasn’t ok with giving so much energy and now my body to someone who doesn’t know what they want from me. '

But your actions betray that very statement.

[Asker]

You’re right. I usually stay away from it but since he was an ex of many years and I loved him for about 8 years I didn’t see it that way for him. It was a mistake

[AlwaysBelieving]

Asking for exclusivity is what you want. It seems like he doesn't want the same.

[SignedAutographs]

Ex's who date, are pathetic losers with no lives. Just like friends with benefits

[supcurA]

yes u were

[In_Trance]

yes you were