I can’t stop texting this guy and I can’t get over him even though I don’t even like him that much and I don’t even see him. I need help?

[Anonymous]

This is a long story but I’ll try and keep it short. Basically me and this guy met while I was using drugs. We both used together and we’ve been on and off for 4 years now. I am now one year and 2 months clean. I have been talking to him for the past 7 months. I don’t love him, even tho I tell him I love him. ( I know, it’s terrible ). I don’t ever leave the house, I have no friends, and im super depressed. I think he is still using drugs and is always out doing god knows what. He always wants to see me but I don’t know what it is I can’t even bring myself to see him anymore. I can’t even leave the house im so depressed and I also think it will trigger me being around him since we used together. He really really likes me even tho he isn’t loyal and claims he loves me. He is fighting with me every day wondering why I don’t see him. I know this guy isn’t good for me, he’s not even that attractive, he’s still using (I think) and doesn’t respect me at all. But for some weird reason I. Can’t. Stop. Texting. Him. I tried over and over again. I don’t know what it is. I don’t even see him like I don’t understand why I can’t stop entertaining whatever it is. Do you guys have any idea why and what I should do? I need help. He says since I don’t see him he’s going to eventually just move on and find another girl since he’s a guy with “needs” aka sex. He says how much he loves me ( I don’t think it’s real love) but he is always texting me asking to hang out. I don’t even like him that much but the thought of him being with another woman makes me feel sick. I think I’m just continuing to entertain him so I can feel wanted by him. I’m not sure. I wish I could make this longer because there’s a lot more to the story. But that’s all I can fit in. Please give me some advice.

[Anonymous]

Hi - Your situation is complicated because you & your “ex” were drug users and there may be physical & emotional addiction/dependencies stuff going on that need to be attended to through expert medical treatment and/or psychological support…

*** You should probably talk to your doctor about getting referred to a specialist.

*** With the above said, below is some general information which should be helpful to you…

According to the following article: What should a healthy relationship provide for the people in it?

A heathy relationship contains the following (see the above link for details)…

1. Trust
2. Communication
3. Patience
4. Empathy
5. Affection and Interest
6. Flexibility
7. Appreciation
8. Room for Growth
9. Respect
10. Reciprocity (equal give-and-take)
11. Healthy Conflict Resolution
12. Individuality and Boundaries
13. Openness and Honesty

Also: According to the below article, there are “7 Stages of Grieving a Breakup”...

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201406/the-7-stages-grieving-breakup

“The 7 Stages of Grieving a Breakup” are:

1. Desperate for Answers
2. Denial
3. Bargaining
4. Relapse
5. Anger
6. Initial Acceptance
7. Redirected Hope

*** It sounds like you may be in the 4th “Relapse” stage — or (again), it could just be an “addiction/dependency thing” going on — where it says…

“Because the pain is so intolerable, you may actually be able to convince your ex [or your ex may be able to convince you] to try again…You will temporarily relieve the agony of withdrawal…it probably won’t end well [again]…you may need to go through this process of breaking up and reconciling more than once before you're absolutely convinced it's time to let go.”

See the article link above for details on “The 7 Stages of Grieving a Breakup.”

Note: Post-breakup coping advice is found in the following article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201904/break-recovery-101-how-heal-heartbreak

And below are excerpts from the above article...

Physically Working Your Way Through a Break-Up [***exercise***]

Keep Your Focus on the Future, Not the Past [***find new experiences***]

Coping with a Break-Up When a Partner was More Than a Partner [***ask friends to brainstorm solutions for problems that an ex would normally help you solve***]

Binging Away the Heartache Isn’t Always Best [***get reconnected/keep engaged with others instead of spending too much time on “self care” hiding out & binge eating/drinking***]

“Rebound Hookups”—Tread Carefully [***find a less self-destructive coping strategy than hooking up***]

“Dating Moratorium”—Wait Until You’re Ready, But Don’t Wait Too Long [***get back in touch with your own identity first, and then “date for companionship” instead of “dating out of desperation”***]

One more thing:
When betrayal is involved in a relationship, see the following “13 Steps to Recover From Betrayal” article…

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/14-steps-to-recover-from-_b_5660057

Below are excerpts from the above article…

1. Erase the imprints of betrayal. [***meditate and purge old memories/thought patterns***]

2. Forgive. [***free yourself from “pain, frustration, and bitterness”***]

3. Throw betrayal away. [***write about your betrayal and “get rid of it in a dramatic way”***]

4. Start faith slow. [***”rediscover faith” slowly***]

5. Find others who have faith. [***”Surround yourself” with honest/faithful people***]

6. Regain faith in yourself. [***trust yourself & your abilities again***]

7. Detach from people you don't trust.

8. Don't betray (just never do it).

9. Envision a future free of betrayal. [***”What you fear most, you most attract, and if you quiet your fears, you can control what you draw in.”***]

10. Control your emotions. [***beware of extreme emotions; don’t obsess over the past***]

11. Take a leap of faith. [***”Follow the voice of your intuition”***]

12. Trust two people unconditionally.

13. Reaffirm your faith each day. [***”speak an affirmation to yourself” each morning***]

[TheMajesticKing777]

It's not real love, the finding a new girl is manipulation, I fell in love with a girl and she was supposedly a rape victim so sex was something I know I wasn't going to get but it didn't matter to me cause I loved her, point is that if he wants to find another girl, let him, what my hypothesis is that you are most likely in this phase of loneliness and depression and losing this person that is probably your only source of socialization would be really hard for you, the thing is that this guy isn't good for you, he has his own selfish reasons he is talking to you and his "love" won't be there if you aren't there for him sexually and that is lust not love.

[Asker]

I appreciate this response so much. Thankyou. I really needed to hear this

[Asker]

Very true. He is my only source of socialization

[TheMajesticKing777]

💯💯

[Effably]

To me it sounds like you hit the nail on the head. This isn't really about him but you. Whether we consider your attachment a fear a of letting go, moving forward, need for validation, affection and so on that is likely what it is.

When you close that chapter, then what? What do you have? What did you go through those four years with him for? Sunk cost. Anxiety.

Time heals most things. Time however is measured in a chemical reaction. Time really, at its very core, is the passing of events, actions and reactions. For time to heal things you do need to experience stuff. So, to move forward? Try new things. Talk to new people. Get a new hobby. And the end of the day that is what actually works and your lingering is, perhaps, just an excuse to avoid that effort.

[Asker]

I appreciate it thanks

[lightbulb27]

Agree with your conclusion. You are being needy. My advice is explain why you are ending it and move on and suffer the pain and misery. That will address this emotional problem which gives you energy to work on yourself. This guy is just a crutch and a bad one.

[Asker]

I appreciate this thankyou

[kinggeorge007]

I think you need some therapy. It's harder to advice on a platform like this on a problem like this

[Asker]

I think so too. Thanks ☺️

[ausfreak11]

for the sake of your future self you need to stay away he'll ruin your life. you'll find someone better that doesn't pressure you.

[Asker]

Thanks for your response. I will 🥰