Why am I undateable? What is wrong with me?

[Magosmall06]

I escaped an abusive relationship last year. It completely destroyed me. I’ve spent the past year rebuilding my life. Everything is going well in general in my life, the only thing that doesn’t work is my love life. No matter what I do, it’s like I just can’t bring myself to date. I’ve been on one date and the guy said there was no connection (yet he spent the whole date talking about himself).

I don’t go out drinking every weekend etc, I’m very active, always have something to do, I just enjoy life and make the most of things now. I’ve spoken on dating apps to quite a few different people now and without doubt every time they either ask for a “spoon” out of nowhere or they’ll say they want to meet you but they will barely make an effort to talk with you I. e they expect me to always message etc. Is it something I’m doing wrong? I don’t chase people, nor will I come over for a “spoon”. I just don’t get why a lot of guys are like this? I just get on with life, and I feel like just giving up on trying to date now as it seems really hard to find someone that’s just kind?

[Sixgunsound]

Not sure what a spoon is, pm if you don’t want to write it here. You seem to be getting a lot of self centered jerks on the apps; that isn’t a you problem that is a society problem. The fact that you notice there is a difference demonstrates you have better powers of observation than quite a few other people. Having higher standards than male and breathing also isn’t a you problem. The problem is that unlike you most women don’t have these high standards and so men rise to the level of expectations and no higher because there is no incentive for them to. Would you spend extra resources or time or energy to get something when you didn’t have to? Maybe you would, and that is a credit to you, but most men take the path of least resistance to the lowest hanging fruit and count that as sexcess. You are a leader and a trendsetter having your high standards, but until more women adopt higher standards the few women who do are going to have difficulty competing with the vast majority of women who don’t. In an economic sense of sexual market value, I can understand without agreeing with the women who settle, but I respect the ones who don’t more. The woman I married has standards for herself and her choice in mate, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

[Magosmall06]

That’s exactly it. I think I’ve followed you so I can message you!

[Sixgunsound]

Sounds good to me, thanks for MHO

[razelove]

Well, your vehicle of approach is a little wrong. Dating apps are much more for hooking up. You're going to wade through a lake of dicks before you find some pearls who actually want a relationship and not to just get to getting.

You'll also find guys like me, married and looking for broken unicorns like you to be bluntly honest. Though I'm not sure if you're a sub, your paragraph in the beginning says yes, writing style says no. Anyway, the more homely life would be more attractive.

Rejecting people for things you have a limit on, like going over to a stranger's house to hook-up is completely understandable. You do have to message back though, and on some apps like Bumble, the woman is the one who initiates. I mean, that's if you truly do want to make a connection though, rather than simply warm up to the idea at the moment though.

[pattij]

I noticed that after I got married it seemed people were far more interested in me. Now because of wrestling I get marriage proposals by women's wrestling fans almost daily. Of course I don't take any of them seriously. They want the wrestler part of me which is about 30 minutes a week, they have little or no interest in the woman I am the rest of the time. I'm married anyway so it doesn't really matter but it's interesting.

[shaysh87]

because tinder is for hookups. if you were so active, why don't you meet a guy in real life?

[jshm2]

You're not mentally all there as the abusive relationship has messed up your compass and you're on the rebound.

Give yourself more time and space to recuperate, Get a pet, a new hobby and recharge. You need to find your centre again and then look for a partner whose going to going you there. You're just picking off anything that will communicate, and hoping it will work.

[TheSpaceGnome]

I dunno if you are undatable. You've not said anything about yourself, and I imagine that guy who spent the whole date talking about himself wasn't learning much about you either, since you had so little to say that he felt the need to fill in the silence on his own.

[ArtemisSilver]

Dating apps really suck unless you're chatty and patient, or just looking for a quick fuck.

You'd probably have better luck asking out nice looking men at the grocery store or library or gym. Anywhere really.

I'm taking applications if you're open to poly 😉. Though you probably live a thousand miles away so
¯\_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_/¯

[Anonymous]

Some guys are attractive and have never had a girlfriend. You are female, therefore it puts you at an immediate advantage. I'm glad you're not in an abusive relationship anymore, but try to broaden the kinds of guys you're considering. Maybe too picky about some things and dating apps are definitely not the way to go, it's full of desperate guys looking to get laid and girls looking for validation.

[ImNoOne111]

You sound too busy to me. If thats the case, you might need to continue fixing things around until you get some more free time. If not, you may have picked up a defensive, paranoia shield from your last relationship which is very common, if thats the case you just need to chill.

[slatyb]

No it's not you. Sounds like you are looking for love in the wrong places. Free dating apps are full of people who aren't seriously looking, because why not? It's free.

[MCheetah]

"I don’t chase people, nor will I come over for a spoon."
Well, being extremely picky would be your first problem.

[loveslongnails]

Everything you've described about being "undatable" seems to apply to the OTHER person, not you. LOL. You just haven't met any quality, potential partners yet. It's not you, darlin'.

[Magosmall06]

That cheered me up. I remember my ex messaged me saying I was trying to argue with him when I’d sit even say anything! Or when I was talking to a guy, I was busy and not replying instantly and when I checked in with him he said “you aren’t what I want” so I said cool, just be friends (showed I wasn’t bothered) then he takes it back suddenly, wanting to still talk to me 😂 you are right!

[loveslongnails]

Thanks - I stick by my assessment. It's not you. I followed you. Kindly message me.

[zagor]

You can't expect things to work out with everyone you meet. Even the best hitters in baseball only succeed about 3 out of every 10 tries. You need to have a more positive attitude, and when a guy turns out to be a douche, move on to another one.

[DarkWinterNights]

Well you’re meeting guys on dating apps so the guys you’re matching with are probably talking with a dozen other girls.

[Anonymous]

If you dont message guys then will likely assume that you aren't interested, so if there is a guy you are interested in you should make some effort to show him that he is not wasting his time.

[bamesjond0069]

Most women are undateable and so therefore the average man meeting the average woman assumes she's undateable and behaves as such.

[jimmy2]

You need to take it day by day knowing as you move forward a good life is coming back