Is it manipulative to make a proposal deadline?

[Anonymous]

I've been with my boyfriend (25M) for 5 years. I've told him I want marriage and he asked for more time (conversation from a few months ago) I don't want to force him into it but also don't want to wait longer than I already have. I told him last convo that I'm not going to wait around much longer. Is it better to keep the deadline to myself or should I share it with him?

[Anonymous]

@joeldalton makes a great point. Trying to coerce someone to marry you will likely make it unstable long-term.

But after a 5 year relationship things should be almost equivalent. When it comes to marrying, there nothing to gain and everything to loose for men in this day and age; divorce robs men of their money, property, children, and all the time they invested in it.

There's a reason Felix Kjellberg (PewDiePie) dated Marzia for 8 years before tieing the knot. Men have to be almost 100% certain they will not be betrayed, left, divorced or cheated on before making the decision. Perhaps he doesn't feel that level of trust yet. Another reason could be that they don't have the environment; the home, the job, the finances.

You need to see where he is at in your relationship and what he wants from it. He could become a husband in everything but name, or forever fiance; but the legal title of husband has far more negatives than positives for men right now. That could be the reason; I knew a entrepreneurial long-term couple that weren't married.

[loveslongnails]

I asked for more time not once, but twice, before I committed to my current relationship. But I did do it. It took about nine months total. If you don't want to invest "x" amount of time, let him know. Do it calmly. Just tell him "look, we've been together for 5 years. You should know by now if I'm the one you want to wake up next to every day, and start a family with (if that's what you both want), etc. If you don't know by now, I can't wait for you to decide. I have plans, and I need to know if you're part of them or not". That should get you the desired result.

[HollyK21]

Absolutely not. You don’t want your love story to essentially be “I told him it was time to shit or get off the pot”. That may sound funny, but honestly the last thing you want is to force his hand in something as important as marriage. The two of you have been together long enough that you should be able to talk about anything. So sit him down, and have a conversation about why marriage is so important to you, and find out how he feels about it. Like is he against marriage? What keeps him from feeling ready? I know some would argue that if you truly love each other, a piece of paper and a ring doesn’t matter. But for a lot of people, it’s very important, just like if you wanted to have kids but your partner doesn’t — it can be make or break. Maybe it’s time to decide how much longer you’re willing to wait, and if your sick of waiting after 5 years, you’d be more than justified in cutting bait and moving on.

[Asker]

His main reason is that he doesn't feel ready and that he doesn't want to be the first of his friends to be married ( unsure if that is the real reason)

[HollyK21]

He doesn’t want to be the first of his friends to get married? For real? That’s like a slap in the face and honestly should infuriate you. His friends relationship statuses should have no place whatsoever in a conversation about what happens between you two, and the fact that he’s essentially telling you to hold out until one of them shacks up should send you right out the door. I mean that doesn’t even make a single drop of sense, girl.

[Asker]

I know it doesn't, I think he was just making up excuses

[HollyK21]

It definitely sounds like an excuse, and a terrible one at that. My thing is, even if he were telling the truth, how much longer would that require you waiting? Because if you have to wait for a friend of his to get married, who the heck knows when that’s going to happen, and it would only waste more of your time. I know that breakups are hard, but you have to think long term as well. Marriage is not in your foreseeable future with him, like no matter how he cuts it, bottom line is he doesn’t want to get married. Now you have to decide what that information means for you. I think it’s doing yourself a huge disservice by depriving yourself of getting married, if it’s something you want.

[jennifer_bloom]

I know somebody who did that with every guy she liked after 6 months and she always got proposals but 80% of the time, the guy would change his mind and she later married and divorced. If you want a proposal, date a guy that is lower to you in status, such as less educated or less physically attractive or older or too busy to do house chores so he needs you and can’t get rid of you to date other people or get a guy who lacks certain skills you have such as being able to drive a car due to poor reflexes or not able to deal with tough health issues such as requiring you to read things because he has poor eye site etc…

[HighValue]

You want a likely solution?

Offer to sign a prenuptial agreement so he won't lose his stuff in the future or owe alimony if things don't work out. That is often the main reason a guy won't want to get married. He may not be proposing because he thinks if he brings up a prenuptial agreement it will cause an argument and end the relationship.

Try offering that and see if it helps.

[Asker]

I have actually offered that before and he didn't want one. He said if was planning for failure

[HighValue]

If that isn't it, I have no idea how to help.

I figure, hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

"Planning for failure?" Does he not like having a fire extinguisher because that is planning for a fire? Don't keep medicine in case you get sick because then he would be planning to get sick?

Seriously, being prepared is a good thing in life.

[BeMuse]

You obviously don't care about the guy, you just want title and legal privilege. Go jump off a cliff.

[Asker]

Rude:) be blessed

[BeMuse]

Truth hurts huh? The truth always hurts evil people.

[Asker]

Would you like a ladder so you don't have to keep reaching lol

[BeMuse]

Definitely evil.

[SiberFox]

No it is not, you states clearly what you want and if he's not going to deliver it's your call.
But you will be starting again from 0 after you leave him.

[Asker]

It'd be hard... thanks for the opinion

[SiberFox]

I hope he wisens up or that he's delaying because he wants to save up money for a ring/wedding.
Bes of luck.

[Asker]

Thank you😌

[slatyb]

No, it’s not. That’s not manipulative, it’s a statement of your feelings — “I want to be married. If you aren’t willing, I need to end this so I can meet someone who shares my goals.”

[Anonymous]

Its who's life? You do your own standards and don't compromise the important ones.

However, what is he giving as a reason, not excuse (there is non) but a solid reason for not sealing the deal?
There might be a lagit hang up.

[Chazmatazz269]

Yup. If you’re happy, stay. If you’re unhappy, leave. It really is that simple to be happy.

[spartan55]

Lol, yeah give him a deadline and see how that works for ya.

[Part2603]

Nope. And you should have made the deadline known like within the first three dates.

[driven159]

if you force him to marry you the both of you will regret it and it won't last so just might as well part better to part not married then getting a divorce

[andreasderjuengere]

Leave NOW.
(because you could have discussed this with HIM, and not with us)

[lawhawk]

It's better not to have a deadline. Let him do it when he is ready. You are more likely to push him away by doing that.

[joeldalton]

do you really want to marry someone who is doing so under coercion?

[baserunner611]

You desire to be love ❤️, it your right to demand to be love and carefully

[Guy13]

Go for it…

[Guy13]

It’s not going to end well either way you go. Might as well junk the car before it junks you

[Asker]

Maybe maybe

[Guy13]

My general opinion: What’s makes you think he’s changing🤷🏻‍♂️. Engaged in 2 married or get on. No one gets you a ring after two tests then there’s a reason…that’s the equivalent of saying I need a body BUT you’re not the ☝️.

[Asker]

Two tests?

[Guy13]

Years sorry…

[Anonymous]

Why not just propose to him?

[In_Trance]

Of course it is