I'm scared my strict Asian parents will be furious my boyfriend is a white guy twice my age (I'm in love). They don't know. How should I tell them?

[Anonymous]

I'm a 22 year old Japanese girl. I have amazing parents, but they do fit into that strict Asian parents stereotype. They've always really wanted me to date Japanese guys (or at least Asian guys). My entire life I've pretty much complied with that. All my boyfriends up to now have been Asian (and most were Japanese). They also really want whoever I date to be an engineer (or some job sort of like that).

With that being said, I've been dating a white guy for the past 7 months. On top of that, he's 22 years older than me. Believe me, I never in a million years thought I'd be dating a white guy 22 years older, but he swept me off my feet (and I'm crazy about him). I've had a fair number of relationships before him, but none of them have loved or cared about me like he does. He's easily been my greatest supporter in pretty much everything. (Also, he's super hot and has an amazing muscular body.) I am super lucky to have him. He means the world to me. I honestly think I'm in love with him.

With that being said, my parents don't know that he's white or that he's so much older than me. I've talked to them about him, but it's always been in a way where I'm able to dance around the "is he Japanese" question. I've avoided the age thing all together. However, my parents want to meet him really soon. I don't think I can put it off much longer I'm absolutely terrified of telling them I'm dating a white guy 22 years older. I really want them to at least be kind of open minded about it, but I'm so scared they'll just be furious with me. I know that I'm an independent adult (and maybe this is pathetic, but..) their approval does matter to me. How should I go about telling them in a way that helps them be OK/accepting of my boyfriend?

*FYI, I'm not breaking up with him, even if they do disapprove

[AmandaYVR]

By the sounds of your parents, they won't get over this. It's going to be about you asserting yourself, and pulling away from them. Remember, it's your life. You're coming into adulthood. It's not their place to decide who you love.

Do you live with them? If so, that's a big problem.

If not, time for some distance. They will have to understand that what would be worse is losing you. But until that realization, they will likely push for what they want. They will use guilt and try to shame you for not falling in line to what they believe is the way to live.

This won't necessarily help you, but I was with a man 25 years my senior when I was in my low-mid 20s. For three years. We loved each other. I eventually invited him over for Christmas. My family and friends were all perplexed but reluctantly quite supportive. "We trust you, trust your judgment," is what everyone said. I do feel I deserved and warranted that respect. I was generally sensible. People also said, "You have a good head on your shoulders." I broke up with him eventually. We weren't right for each other in the long run. But I enjoyed my time with him. You can move in and out of different peoples' lives and learn from each other. It doesn't have to be forever.

I later married an Asian, and my parents were supportive, (I'm white), but his parents did not like it. My husband told me years later. They eventually accepted me (it didn't take very long.) After we got married, they called me their daughter. They evidently cared more that I was a nice and good person, than my skin colour and heritage.

Perhaps your situation may not go the same way, but I would start with you preparing for what will likely be a huge pushback from them. The age thing is a difficult one, especially, for people to comprehend and overcome. The race is just racism.

Then stand your ground. Then remind them of how they have raised a sensible daughter (if that's true), and you are asking for them to put their trust in you, as you have in them. Don't state it as an ultimatum, but be firm that you have made your decision... for now. You are with him for now. Remind them that it is not forever.

[Asker]

This was an awesome comment. Thank you! It does give me hope that things will work out with my parents!

Also, I don't live with my parents. I live with my boyfriend (which is something else they don't know about. Haha).

[AmandaYVR]

Oh, I'm glad it was helpful then. 🥂

Glad to hear it.
Wow, that will be a huge ball drop, eh? Or should I say 'bomb', lol. Good luck with that.

[Bratsondanielle]

You don't tell me if you live in Japan (or whatever/Asian) because if you do there are probably some stone-age rituals/customs/traditions to follow. However, if you're lucky enough to live here, in the greatest country on planet earth, you don't have to take all that horse manure into account. Here in the good old 🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲 land of the free and home of the brave, you can do whatever you want. If your parents think otherwise, maybe they should integrate into society a little bit. Just bring your man home, and introducing him. If they don't like him, that's on them. Good luck. I wish you all the best.

[Asker]

My concern isn't that my parents have the power to 'forbid' me from seeing him. I'm well aware I can date who I want. No matter what they think I'll still date him
However, I still love them and really want them to at least be OK with it. I'm still worried they won't approve/will be upset. I want to figure out the best way to tell them as to help them understand why he's so amazing for me (or at least have them be OK with him)

[Bratsondanielle]

I understand that sweetheart, and I say just bring him to a party or something. Just let them meet him. The good old-fashioned way

[Asker]

I wouldn't want to bring them to a party because I'd be afraid they could make a scene.

I'm trying to figure out what exactly I should say and how exactly I should say it so that they're more likely to be understanding/accepting (or at least not as mad)

[Bratsondanielle]

How about "mom and dad... meet my boyfriend "?

[Asker]

So you don't think there's any way I could say it better beyond just being straightforward?

[Bratsondanielle]

Not really. You could prepare for the train wreck if you want to by sitting down with them and explain "this guy I met... explain how sweet he is... give all your reasons why he's the captain of your heart ❤ 💙... I mean that way at least they are prepared.. but the way you describe it to me in your question that they "wish you with Asian guy" it might be more of a train wreck than just pulling him up a hat suddenly... is what I think 🤔

[DaveJord]

You know honestly I had a friend just go through this with his Asian wife. I guess dad was a serious traditionalist, so it caused some stress in the relationship... because his now wife was totally not a traditionalist in a lot of ways, until it came down to meeting dad. Then it was like she was a different person. This was troubling to him.

Honestly I do not know how they went about it, but as a friend of his it kind of bothered me watching him got through hoops and bend over backwards to get dads permission to marry his daughter. And the fact that the daughter who dated him in secret for two years would not marry him without dad's permission. It come down to him not even inviting his friends to the wedding, because he had worked too hard to gain dad's trust he didn't want his friends coming to wedding and causing any problems. I mean at the end of the day it was totally racist or ethnically discriminating, because he was white.

And it has cause some issues for him with a few of his friends, like me that have known him of over 30 years. I hope he's happy and I wish him the best, but ended with me and 6 other of guys we still talk to from highschool... his longest and very best friends not being invited to his wedding. I mean he was and other 4 guys were groomsmen at my wedding... so that's how screwed it got. All i can say I hope she's worth it, I never met her.

[MightyOlivia84]

Awww not being able to attend a close friends wedding is hard I feel the say way you do, I hope they both happy together which will be good.

[hahahmm]

You're not really an adult until you are able to act as an adult around/with your parents. And the fact you're not really an adult also increases the likelihood that you're making bad decisions. Instead of getting deep into this relationship you should have discussed with multiple older people who have actually achieved any of the goals you think you may want to achieve in life to give you tips. Maybe you still would have chosen the guy but it would have been based on more than emotion. Emotions are often wrong.

I disagreed with my parent's opinions about my girlfriends but they were also 100% right in hindsight. It's also true that sometimes in life you can turn something bad or so/so into a good thing but that's rare.

[Pinay_ako]

Just tell them if you love them. They’re your parents. That will never change. You just met this man… weigh your decisions carefully because the results will be devastating and cannot be undone. My parents are strict too but if you just be honest with them and tell them how much this man means to you, they may understand you and even accept him.

[Asker]

We didn't just meet. I met him almost a year ago and we've been dating for the past 7-ish months.

Do you have any idea a way I could tell them that would make it more likely for them to be more understanding/accepting?

[Pinay_ako]

Bring him to see your parents… but make sure you tell your parents in advance. So they don’t get a shock. You don’t wanna hurt their feelings or your man’s.

[Asker]

Do you know how exactly I should tell them as to make it more likely for them to be more OK/understanding (or at least less mad) about the situation?

[Apulu_Imback]

I understand as Asian. My parents are totally against love relationships but arranged marriage lol.

Okay jokes aside..

So you mean your boyfriend is 44 years currently? It's fine because you both are adult now. Give some time for your relationship to settle and become more strong. Let your parents know that you love him really strongly and that he loves you very much too. MOST IMPORTANT!! Tell about his race and age before meeting him with your parents. You don't want your parents to disrespect him. Let your parents slowly recover the shock and when they are comfortable with this then go bring him to your family date!

[Asker]

How long do you think it'll take for them to calm down enough from finding out about the race/age difference for them to be comfortable/cool with meeting him?

[mobiusforniner]

For Asian parents, you'll always fall short of expectations. can't really help you there. Having graduated 3.75 gpa from engineering school in 3 years, making six figures, owning a house worth 3/4 million, accomplished skier, married with kids, self taught musician playing four different instruments and my mom says im still a loser.

That said, twice age gap is weeeirrrdd... sorry, but if he is 44, he either has lots of baggage you'll have to deal with (divorce, kids) or he's got some personality issues causing women to stay away. So your parents concern isn't entitely without merit

[Asker]

His wife did die a few years ago and he does have a daughter, so I suppose you could say he has some baggage. However, I get along really well with his daughter, so it's not really a problem for me.

[Asker]

I actually was pretty hesitant to date him at first because of the age gap (and that he wasn't Asian). However, he was/is just way too sexy and charming for me to have resisted him forever. Haha

I get we've got a big age difference. Believe me, I've thought about it. However, I don't think it'll be a major problem. We've got compatible maturity levels and life goals. I get along really well with his daughter. In fact, being with a much older guy is probably a plus. He's way more committed, caring, considerate, responsible, established, etc. than any guy my age I've dated.

[LovingLoverReturned]

Twice means he is 44... But... strict doesn't necessarily mean racist... have your parents explicitly said they want you to marry a certain age? how do you know they won't like him? Why not ask them what age RANGE they think is good fine? And ask if older guys aren't more mature and caring?

Is it possible your boyfriend can learn a few greetings in Japanese? Are your parents fluent in English?

I personally would make it a goal to take interests in the different culture of any guy I'm serious about. I would learn some of his language and traditions... it is easier easier communicate with your own people... and this must eb your parents fear... so why not teach your boyfriend a few things?

[Asker]

My parents haven't explicitly told me they want me with a certain age, but I'm pretty sure that's because they think that's unnecessary to say. My parents very much have the ideal image of who they want their kids to marry, and I know that someone twice their age is very much contradictory to that picture. They might be cool with a guy 10 years older (and that's a maybe), but I think that's as high as it would go for them. My boyfriend is over twice that.

[Asker]

I guess he could learn some Japanese stuff. I could teach him. He's learning some on his own on duolingo. I'm not sure how much it'll help as it'll probably be obvious to my parents he's just learning these things (and the fact he's not Asian/Japanese is a major negative for them). Still, it may be worth trying

[DermalPunch]

I'm your white guy except his family outright disapproves and said he has to choose me or them.

You have a few things to consider. What is the nature of the relationship between you and him.

Are you guys committed or are you going with the flow?

Now, you know your parents. Will they be surprised, confused, upset or hurt? How damaging will it be to them.

If you are in a serious committed relationship then bring him home (is he bringing you to his people?) and tell them before hand without saying his age and so on that he is someone you really care about.

Also say that you have praised them to him so they will be inclined to act honorably.

If they fuss, don't argue just listen and simply state to them what you said here.

This is if he is serious about you. If he isn't I would keep him in the shadows but it seems they already know about him.

[Asker]

We have a serious committed relationship. We're deeply in love. We live together (although my parents aren't going to find out about that.) We're very committed to each other. He's very serious about me. He's been by far my most committed boyfriend and by far shown the most love, care, and support out of every guy I've ever been with.

I wouldn't say my relationship will 'hurt' them so much as it'll be a huge blow to their vision for my life. I love my parents, but they very much fit into the Asian tiger parenting stereotype. They have this perfect vision for my life and get upset when I stray too much. Being in a serious committed relationship with a non-asian/Japanese guy twice my age is a massive blow in their vision for my life.

I'm not sure if just surprising them is the best idea. There's a really good chance they'll blow up. However, maybe I'm missing something. Why do you think just introducing him to them and letting them find out on the spot about the major age difference and that he's not Asian/Japanese is the best course of action?

[DermalPunch]

Thank you for explaining in detail. What you've shared totally changes things. I think the best course of action is before there is any solid plan for him to come over there that you tell your parents the full truth. If that means delaying the meeting if that means a lot of back and forth with them. If that means them having a period of just saying like no no no no no. That is the best way to go about it because in the end you wanted to work out and better to warm them up to it wait and be patient.

He has to know that you have his back and they're willing to put your neck on the line. Because I know that now that mine has my back I'm willing to deal with whatever crap that is going to be thrown at me.

I don't know how familiar your boyfriend is with Asian culture. The Saving Grace for him is that you're going to pick up on all the kind of little subtle indirect ways that they're going to maybe shade him or test him. He's a white dude who's older I don't know how familiar he is with the way that Asian people kind of do things in a low key way. He may not pick up on those subtleties but you will. So you need to kind of look at it from both sides.

[Asker]

How do you think I can warm my parents up to him in the period after I tell him and before they meet him? What should I do?

[DermalPunch]

Honestly, just speak positively about him withiut exaggerating. My mom isn't hrilled about my guy because he's young and doesn't speak English and she is worried about how the family will be. My mom doesn't know his family wants to disown him over our relationship.

Don't tell them everything at once. Warm them up to the idea of a white guy in general first. Then complain how guys your age are this and that. I think you get it...

[hi_it_is_me123]

I may get hate but men/women should have no business with people could be their daughters/sons who are UNDER 25!!. People with pedo tendencies like to ignore scientific facts that such age gap is unhealthy when the other person is under 25. Your brain development continue TILL THE AGE OF 25 which also INFLUENCE your MATURITY and PERSONALITY DEVELOPMENT. It is bs that some people are mature earlier which is a pedo argument since it is scientificically false and people who appear "mature" at an earlier age have some trauma or mental illness or it is a fake maturity. I have 12-14 years old cousins who appear mature and everyone thinks they are very mature for their age but they ain't since i really know them well. The divorce rate is a high for people with such age gap FOR A REASON. Facts dont care about your feelings and every parent would be worried when an old creep wants something from their daughter. So this has nothing to do with race

[hi_it_is_me123]

HOWEVER you are almost 25, so idont know. I dont care whoever anyones date when they are over 25. I still can understand your parents. A man ain't more worth than your family. Your family raised you, take care of you, loved you etc for 22 years and not this man. If youreally want to give up your whole family for a man who may leave you since he may see as a hot hot Asian submissive sextoy since there are many white men with Asian fetish

[Asker]

He's not a pedo. I'm a grown woman. Maybe I'm not 25, but I'm definitely not a child.

I'm not sure with what the statistics are and I'm not going to argue with them. What I am going to say is that we have an incredibly strong connection. We support/care/understand each other and a very deep level. We love being around each other. I know you won't believe me, but we are compatible maturity wise. Yes, he does have more experience than me. However, I think that can actually be a positive. We're close enough that it's not an issue. In fact, I love being with someone so much more mature. It's a major plus for me. Also, it's the best relationship I've ever had by far. I'm more in love with him than I've ever been with anyone else. He's cared for me more than any other guy I've ever been with has. I'd be an idiot to throw that away just because of an age difference.

[Asker]

He doesn't have an Asian fettish. Believe me, as an Asian woman I've become very familiar with Asian fettish guys, but my boyfriend isn't one of them (although he is very attracted to me, just not in that creepy way). I am 100% sure he's with me for more than just sex. First of all, we didn't have sex for the first couple of months of our relationship because I wanted to make sure he was interested in more. He was as 100% in the relationship as he could be even without sex. He was 100% respectful and understand. He was completely willing to wait. Moreover, I was the one who initiated the sex when we started having it. Moreover, I want sex with him at least as much as he wants it with me. I probably want it more with him. Moreover, it's easily the best sex I've ever had

Also, if anyone has a fettish it's probably me. It's a bit embarrassing, but I do kind of have a fettish for men who are old enough to be my dad yet still have ridiculously mind blowingly muscular bodies with bulging muscle. My boyfriend fits that description to the highest degree. That 'fettish' is probably a major reason why I constantly want sex with him so badly and love it so much. Moreover, I love calling him 'daddy' during sex and him talking to me like I'm a little girl who needs to be punished. I LOVE role plays that feed into the older more established man and the much younger woman dynamic. I love him being dominate BDSM and me being submissive BDSM while playing into that.

Conversely, he hasn't suggested any Asian fettish things in bed. So if there's someone with a fettish it's probably me (with a much older sexy bulging muscles guy fettish) .

[Asker]

I absolutely love my parents so much. I know they've been so incredibly good to me. I want to make them happy. However, I am an adult, this is my life, and I've fallen in love with a white guy twice my age. I'm not throwing that away just because I know it'll upset my parents (although I very much wish it wouldn't). I'm trying to think of ways to help them be more understanding. However, me picking this man I love isn't betraying my parents (even if they may feel like it is)

[hi_it_is_me123]

Do what you want. I dont care, it is your life. However, many japanese women told me on the internet something and i also read blog posts about it that their own men dont treat them good. Maybe this is why you are attracted to him. Have you ever dated another nice white guy who are max 5-7 years older than you? I dont know.

[hi_it_is_me123]

I heard that japanese men tend to be sexist/ have stone age mentality when it comes to women. Maybe your parents won't get mad at you when you date another white hot guy who is only few years older than you (?) But it is your life

[macjets007]

Don't. You already know what the reaction is going to be. As a white guy (with strict Jewish parents) they would ultimately not be happy.

You should continue the relationship, not tell them, and one day when you are very serious, then introduce him.

Super strict and antiquated mind sets are impossible to change. Just avoid the situation at all costs. When you get really serious (I hope!), then invite them out to a public place with the dude.

Don't go back to their house or your place with your parents. If they want to get mad, let them do it over the phone and you don't have to respond.

They won't get mad in public because it will ruin their public face.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in Japan.

Your parents want Japanese boyfriends because Japan has a far different approach to relationships and dating than non-Asiatics do.

Cheating as example isn't really a thing among Japanese while for all you know your amazing hot 22 year older white boyfriend thinks you're a bit of entertainment.

After all he very likely has a different dating style to what your Asiatic boyfriends would've used & as such likely would've found it quite easy to get your interest.

You can tell your parents but their disapproval is likely deserved. What do you & your boyfriend do after all? Different cultures, different age brackets, etc. If you don't go on dates, etc. but just hang out & have sex you're not his girlfriend you're his call girl.

[Asker]

The relationship really isn't like that at all. He's really not like that at all. I've already talked about it, but he's easily the best relationship I've ever had and treats me better than any guy I've ever been with. Believe me, I've been with guys who have treated me as some side fling they're going to throw away when they get bored. My boyfriend isn't that. He often goes out of his way for me.

We actually get along really well and have quite a bit in common. For one thing we like very similar movies/shows/music. For another thing we both enjoy similar sports. He's extremely easy to talk to. We always have a ton of fun when we're around each other.

[Asker]

I also know he doesn't have some Asian fettish or view me as some sexual entertainment. I am 100% sure he's with me for more than just sex. First of all, we didn't have sex for the first couple of months of our relationship because I wanted to make sure he was interested in more. He was as 100% in the relationship as he could be even without sex. He was 100% respectful and understand. He was completely willing to wait. Moreover, I was the one who initiated the sex when we started having it. Moreover, I want sex with him at least as much as he wants it with me. I'm the one who initiates sex more in the relationship. I probably want it more with him. Moreover, it's easily the best sex I've ever had

Also, if anyone has a fettish it's probably me. It's a bit embarrassing, but I do kind of have a fettish for men who are old enough to be my dad yet still have ridiculously mind blowingly muscular bodies with bulging muscle. My boyfriend fits that description to the highest degree.

[Opinion Owner]

You sound embarrassing. Never mind the fact that yeah he has a fetish. It's called having a dim-witted sugar baby. Don't ever tell your parents this because they probably disown you

Japanese have certain standards and you are certainly below them

[Asker]

I'm actually on track to become a computer engineer, but whatever.

[Opinion Owner]

What does that matter. Sugar Babies means nothing about your education. The girls that sell their bodies to older men for benefits. Cash gifts all that s***. No self-respect, little self-esteem, and for Japanese embarrassing

[Asker]

I'm not selling my body at all. In fact, I've refused to take money from him because I don't want a sugar daddy-baby relationship (even when he's offered)
I give him my body because I love him. Moreover, I just want to have sex with him. Believe it or not, I love the sex for the sake of the sex. Also, I ask for more sex from him than he does from me.

[Opinion Owner]

ROFL. As I said sugar daddy / dimwitted sugar baby relation. DO NOT EMBARRASS your parents by telling them ANYTHING of this idiotic assoication

[Asker]

I'm really curious how I'm a sugar baby when not only do I don't get any money from him at all, but my motivation for being with him is 100% because I just love him and want to be with him (and am not looking for any favors from him beyond just being a loving and supportive boyfriend).

[Asker]

Moreover, the reason why I'm having sex with him has nothing to do with wanting him to give me anything or do any favors. In fact, I'd probably be really hurt if he ever tried to 'buy' sex from me. I want sex from him because I genuinely and strongly sexually desire him (which is not why sugar babies have sex with sugar daddies)

[Selena1987]

Has he had any long term relationship before? How many?
Does he have any kid?
You’re so young and he’s so experienced to act the way you like
Talk about him with your parents and follow what they advise you
They really love you and want the best for you
I think you like to have a white boyfriend. It’s ok it’s one of your preferences but 22 years older isn’t something can be ignored easily
You can also visit a family counselor and speak about him and your emotions.
10 years ago, I had a boyfriend that I thought he’s my soul mate. I loved him a lot
But when I visit a counselor, she clarified my condition, his emotions….
But I continued that relationship and after sometime I understood he’s not appropriate for me

[Asker]

He's actually a widower. His wife died about 5 years ago. I think he's had one girlfriend since then (before me).
He does have a kid. I just barley met her, and so far we get along really well. I'm not planning on telling my parents about her yet though.
I know my parents love me. However, I also think they can be really judgmental and want me so badly to live my life exactly the way they want me too. Sometimes that's good, but sometimes I think it's right for me to want to do my own thing.
by the way white guys aren't actually a 'preference' per se. In fact, all my boyfriends before him were Asian. Moreover, at first I kind of didn't want to fall for him because he wasn't Asian (and he was a lot older). However, I fell for him anyways (and I fell hard).
I don't think I need to go to a counselor. Sure, he's a lot older than me. However, he really is an incredible boyfriend who is so super good for me. In fact, he's way better to me than my ex-boyfriends my age were. When we're around each other we usually don't notice the age difference (unless someone else points it out)

[Selena1987]

You just see the issue from the emotional point of view. He has a kid, it’s a big problem
Your parents I bet will disagree
I myself don’t choose a man with this age gap and a kid
Emotion is important but you should also be wise and logical

[Asker]

His kid isn't a problem. In fact, she's a plus. We connected super well right from the beginning. We've got a pretty great relationship right now.

[Anonymous]

Have you talked about future relationship goals, such as having/wanting children, etc? It's important you're on the same page there, because often with age gags like this, they're different. Or general lifestyles even and what you like to do in your spare time. Does he even want a serious relationship? But, I'd just give it more time right now and don't worry about your parents. Just continue dating and getting to know each other. There's no rush for anything else right now. See how things go. The more time you've been together before you tell them could also work in your favor with them accepting him. But, it'll be what it'll be. They either will or they won't.

[Opinion Owner]

Bottom line is you're an adult, so while they can have their opinion, they also can't tell you what to do anymore. So if they want a relationship with their daughter, they will probably try to at least tolerate him.

[Asker]

We have talked about future relationship goals. We both want 2 or 3 kids together (if we get to that point, which I actually think we will). I'm planning on graduating from grad school in 3-ish years. Once than happens we both think we'll want to start having kids together. We are very much both interested in a serious relationship (which is a big reason why I was interested in the first place. My other BFs refused to commit or move further than just having fun). We love spending time together and usually spend most of the time we can together (as well as with his daughter).

[Asker]

I realize I'm my own person separate from my parents and I make my own choices. Moreover, I have absolutely 0 intention on breaking up with him and recognize that would be a massive mistake. However, I still love my parents. I want them to be happy for me (or at least respectful/somewhat understanding of my where I am). I don't want to strain the relationship (or at least strain it as little as possible). If possible I'd like for them to get along well. I'm trying to figure out how to best go about making that happen (or at least what I should do to make that more likely to happen)

[PJH359]

Maybe you should introduce him without so much emphasis…less fanfare so to speak. You’re going bananas here like y’all are gonna run away next week and get married…which would be completely idiotic by the way. Introduce him as a close friend and be relaxed and casual about it. Take a Valium and take this first step. If things progress later at least they’ll already know who he is.

[Asker]

I can't introduce him as a close friend because my parents want to meet my boyfriend. I've been telling my parents about my boyfriend. However, whenever I've talked about him I've made sure to leave out the fact he's not Japanese/Asian, not talk about his age, and leave out anything that could suggest he's not Asian or a lot older than me. My parents have wanted to meet him for a while now. I've been able to dance around it at this point, but I don't think I can anymore.
Besides, since things are going super well in our relationship there's a super high chance my parents would have to meet him at some point anyways. If it's not now then it'll just be sometime down the road.

[Avicenna]

OK, as someone who has had Asian girlfriends (including one who was 23-24 when I was 45-46), my advice is not to tell them. Asian parents are not open minded when a foreign guy is almost the age of the father, unless he is really wealthy and has a profession they find acceptable, and Japanese parents are often immune even to that (it used to be the case there that marrying a foreigner was considered shameful).

[Asker]

He makes a pretty solid amount of money, and that'll help. However, I'm very worried that I don't think it'll be nearly enough.

Don't you think not telling them will just make things that much worse if they find out? Things are going super well with us and I think there's an extremely high chance we'll be together for the long haul. Do I just wait until I'm pregnant to tell them not only about him but that I'm also about to have his baby? I'm not sure that's the best idea

[Avicenna]

Pregnant? No, definitely not. If you want to be with him for the long haul, you need to tell them, but how important is their approval to you?

[bakajana]

Love is love, try to make them understand your feelings and how much he means to you. If they won't agree then it's ok, your life your choice. They are your parents yes but that doesn't mean they have the right to choose how you should live your life. But personally I think in the end they'll accept him seeing how happy he makes you, at least I wish you that.

[Asker]

But what exactly should I say to make them understand my feelings and how much he means to me? How exactly should I say it? Is there anything else I should do to help them understand?

[bakajana]

You should try to explain them how much he means to you and makes you happy. With your own words, they'll come straight from your heart so don't worry about them being right or not. Make them understand that you are serious about it

[RavVid]

Difficult. You have to broach it with your parents. The family dinner won't go well if they find he is not Japanese on the night. And he has to understand they will have reservations on his age, ethnicity etc.

If he has true genuine love for you then they will accept that. You have to insist on that. It is the only think they should ask - point that out.

Incidentally, love is like an orgasm. If you are not sure you haven't.

[Rania05]

Sister, look at the mirror tell yourself you'd be okay, prepare for the worse while calming yourself that it can't be that bad!

Strengthen your confidence in your parents' love for you and your ability.

Sorry for being not much of use, for a strict you can only be brave, good thing you aren't a boy for them to chase you with a broom.

It's difficult but you can do it.

[anon1903]

Does he have money? Asian parents can be melted if he's a high profile man. Other than that, you're screwed up. Asian parents don't want us to date, let alone a man twice our age — only thing that'd change mine is if they're assured he's financially stable.

[Asker]

He's a computer engineer. Consequently, he makes a solid salary. He also has a masters degree, which is something my parents will like.
I know that's going to help in the conversation. However, I'm still worried it won't be quite enough and they'll still be pretty upset about the relationship.

[anon1903]

It'll be okay. Every parent dreams of a stable guy.

[Asker]

It'll certainly help. However, I'm still pretty sure they'll be upset about his age and not being Asian (and I'm trying to figure out the best way to go about that)

[IsoUser]

Just speaking as a dad myself I'd be truly upset as well if one of my daughters was dating an older man. I would be like what are you thinking? Lol, what if he's married Jeez I raised you to have more common sense than I would watch my other daughter like a freaking hawk Lmao Seriously though I just couldn't go through it 😉😁😁

[Asker]

He's actually a widower. His wife has been gone for 4 or 5 years now. I know I'm the only woman he's seeing.
I know the age difference is pretty unconventional, but we still work amazing together and have a fantastic relationship. In fact, I have a far more healthy, supportive, loving, committed, etc. relationship with him than any guy I've ever been with by far (and all my exes were my age or close to it)

[Texaskid1]

You are an adult.

You must live you own life now. If your parents don't like well there is not much they can do. If you are happy with this guys are you going to leave him to make them happy - and in turn cause suffering to yourself because you would deny yourself the happiness of being with some one that you are in love with.

You - and your parents - are going to have to bite that bullet sooner or later.

[Chaser3232]

I agree here!

[Asker]

@Chaser3232 I 100% agree. However, what I'm asking for is how exactly can I tell them so I can make the chance of them being accepting/understanding much higher (or at least not as upset)

[Anonymous]

https://www.youtube.com/embed/cQpq56FmIN4

You could try telling them that he is great at maths and comes with a free coupon and if that fails just blame it on the emotional damage from your upbringing.

[Asker]

You don't need to make racist remarks

[Opinion Owner]

smh what a fucking tool you are.

[Opinion Owner]

You know what?

Fuck you.

You are the fucking racist here.

You are the one who has stated that your parents conform to racial stereotypes.

Presumably it is also ok for this Asian guy to be making jokes about his own fucking life experiences.

So what you are telling me is that I do not share in your special priviledge because of the colour of my skin, well Im sorry but that makes you a racist, that is what racism is.

So take your misplaced outrage, shove it up your racist ass and fuck off while you are doing it.

[Anonymous]

“FYI I’m not breaking up with him, even if they disapprove”, to me that line alone answers your own question. Regardless of how he swept you off your feet and all that, you went into that situation knowing the risk, even if you didn’t imagine a relationship, surely during all that time invested as you fell deeper in love, you knew this day would come. Now here it is and I think you should just go ahead and knock that conversation out. Especially since you know you’re staying with him regardless.

[Asker]

I know that. However, what's the best way for me to tell them as for me to most likely get my parents to be as understanding/OK about my boyfriend as they can possibly be? How exactly should I go about doing that?

[Opinion Owner]

I can totally understand wanting the best outcome, but if your parents are as unforgiving about dating outside of your race as they seem, then they won’t take this news well no matter how you serve it. What I would suggest is going into that conversation as confidently as possible, even having your boyfriend there for support if need be. They probably won’t agree or like it, but with time they’ll come around. If they are the sort of family to disown you or risk maintaining a relationship with you, then that is unfortunate on their part. But you are an adult, and this is your life, so they don’t have to agree. Hopefully staying in your life is more important than holding a grudge and/or risk losing you.

[Asker]

I don't think they'll disown me, but they'll be upset. Do you know if there's any way I can get them to feel better about him not being Asian? He does have a really good job (computer engineer) and is very supportive/helpful with my education. I know that's not being Asian or Japanese, but that's something they'd approve of.

What about the age thing? My parents aren't going to like that he's so much older. Firstly, they're going to think it's just plain weird. Secondly, they'll assume there's no way we could ever have a decent relationship with such a big age gap (totally not true. He's the best boyfriend I've had. We get along incredibly well, like the same things, have a lot of fun, and care about each other. He's easily the boyfriend whose cared the most about me/shown me the most love. He's also easily the most supportive and committed boyfriend I've had.) Thirdly, they may be worried he won't want kids (although we have talked about this, and if we get there (which I think we will) we'd like 2 or 3 kids) Forthly, even though I don't think they'll actually ask or say anything about it (for obvious reasons) there's a good chance they'll assume someone his age is just using me for the sex (which is totally not true. He's actually really sweet, supportive, and caring even if sex isn't going to happen from it. Also, when we started having sex I was the one who initiated it, not him. Also, I want sex with him as least as much as he does, if not more. So it's definitely a mutual thing. If anything I'm the one who wants it more). Do you know what I could say/do to help them feel better about the big age difference?

[Asker]

I love my parents, but sometimes they're very closed minded and stereotypical Asian parents in that they can want to micromanage my life, be absolutely sure what they want is what is best, and be pretty judge-y if I go against that.

[Opinion Owner]

Those are fair concerns, but ultimately if I were you, my questions would be: is he worth the risk, and is he worth all this trouble? If the answer is yes, absolutely, then you’re just going to have to be very brave. He has great redeeming qualities, but if your parents are very close minded, then they won’t process any of that at first. All those positive things won’t matter if they can’t see past his race, which personally I find unfortunate, and you shouldn’t have to feel bad by not adhering to their thought process and breaking free of that lifestyle. You love your parents, and I absolutely get not wanting to hurt them. You want them to like him and be accepting. But you know who you’re dealing with, and what’s to come with breaking this news to them. You’ve already considered to risks, and decided to move forward with your relationship, so be confident in your choice. They will come around, even if it’s not right now. Eventually the positive things about him will register, and despite his age or race, they will see for themselves that he is a good person.

[Asker]

So you don't think there's any particularly best way to tell them?

[Opinion Owner]

Unfortunately no, and my main reason for thinking this is because of how strict and close minded they are. For example, let’s say you know they don’t want a pet cat, and very adamant about that, yet you bring home a cat anyway. You tell them all the perks of that cat: it’s house trained, great companionship, can catch any rodents/insects, etc etc. However if they don’t want the cat, those things won’t matter. Maybe in a few months they will see the perks of said cat, but when you bring it home for the first time, no matter what you say, they will still be upset. This is my logic when it comes to bringing home your boyfriend. Eventually they will see what a great guy he is, but right now they won’t be interested in that.