Why did my female best friend stop talking to me after I asked her on a date?

[Thisandthatguy]

I'm kind of bad at explaining stuff like this but I'll try my best. Me and this friend have been friends since 6th grade. (We're in our 2nd year of college now.) We know each others families and have shared a lot of personal moments. For example, there was a year where her prom date stood her up and she asked me to be her "date" instead. That night she took her arm in mine while we walked up to the school. Then later we ended up slow dancing. She's told me many times that she was going to be there for me until the end and I said the same. Just before I asked her out 9 or so months ago, she spent some time during the holidays at my grandma's house and after watching a few of movies, I walked her down to her car where she gave me a hug and said "I love you. You're one of my favorite people." She then went on to text me about who we should go get coffee together a couple times every week. Cut to a couple weeks later, I figured I would finally get some guts and ask her out. A few days went by before she answered and when she did she said something along the lines of "I'm talking so someone right now and that we should just stay friends." I responded by saying "Right, of course. Stupid idea." (I knew it was a long shot but I didn't want to hide how I felt anymore.) She didn't respond. A few days later she sent out a snap telling people to RSVP for her B-day party. Since I was pretty hurt about the whole thing and didn't want to sit there and see her with the other guy I let her know I probably wasn't gonna come. I said something like "Hey, I'm probably not gonna make it to your party. I have a lot on my mind. I hope that's ok." She didn't answer. After that I texted her "Can you please let me know if you hate me?" She didn't even open it and I haven't heard from her since. I reached out a few months later but she didn't open that either. I'm not blocked on anything. Can anyone help me understand what she might be thinking? I don't want to harass her about it. Thanks!

[Light909090]

Damn dude that sucks your entire friendship was a lie she only kept you around all those years because she didn’t have much of anybody she was lonely and you were there for her she liked what feeling you gave her and when you gave her a different feeling she freaked quit talking to you ignored you and Is now moving on with her life she kept you around because you were beneficial real bummer took me long time to accept what I knew that people are never who they say they are that people are never who they pretend to be they do things because it’s beneficial in some way now that there’s a new guy in the picture she ignores you and Maybe she replies every ounce in awhile but that’s only to keep you Thinking She Is still around but she’s done moved on i am sorry to hear about all this I wish this world wasn’t like that at all but it is what it is.
You will understand one day hopefully sooner rather than later but right now You won’t Accept what I Say as the reality you May not like what im saying and that’s because there’s a part of you that Thinks I May be right but your not fully Buying into what im saying it’s that Fear the idea that What I say is right is something your afraid of and that Fear keeps you from believing And accepting what I say is true but you’ll come around eventually with time Sooner or later in life you’ll realize that people are not who they say or who they pretend to be that everyone has there own agendas after all everyone is there own individual and they will put there needs above your own most of the time they will come up with some excuse they will say oh I’m sorry I forgot but really nobody forgets that many times that Quickly person cannot Forget 2 minutes later because that’s just a lie. Best of luck to you


Now go Think about what I said for the next 3 hours read every test message think about everything you’ve ever said to her all the times she got offended opened your mind To all possibilities and run with it know that You may Have offended her everybody gets offended and everybody lies take note of that


When she Gets offended she may not Voice that she got offended because she may not wanna hurt your feelings so she lies to you and says I’m okay or I’m busy etc all possibilities are possible until proven otherwise

[Anonymous]

SMDH. You know the next time you hear from her it will be after the guy she’s dating screwed her over and she wants a shoulder to cry (but not a body to sleep with).

Anyway I’m going to give you some leeway by the saving grace of being a young inexperienced 19. If you were a couple years older I would of backhanded some sense into everything you wrote above. But your still a kid and have a lot to learn

As for the “friendzone”. On one end I can understand that you were true childhood friends with this girl. If you just met her 6 months ago and all the “friend” crap above I would scream at you. But I see the context here. But it sounds to me you always had feelings for her and tried the self destructive friend route. That’s very tragic because you made that decision when you were very young and naive. But trust me women literally NEVER fall in love with men they get to used to associating with platonically. Only exception would be if they had strong feelings for you (and not vice versa)

Besides the “slow dance” (which doesn’t count for anything) have you ever tried to make a move on her? Sounds like your were a gentleman and didn’t dare too. But again you were very young so I’ll cut you some slack.

So two things have happened here:

1) She really saw you as a lifelong platonic friend. All your “I love you” lines were taken with a grain of salt. Unless you tried to do something to show you were more than friends then talk is cheap.

Anyway you known her for at least (7 years now?) you need to realize that reality isn’t like teen romance movies. Reality is actually much uglier and your finding out the hard truth.

2) She likely noticed in your body language you had feelings but played dumb to it. You never really paid attention to her body language. But women act different around men they are attracted to vs. ones they friendzone. You will notice this when you get older.

3) Asking her on a “date” is nonsense after knowing her for 7 years. Instead you should of said “Hey I’ve known you for a very long time. Truth my feelings have shifted back and forth for a long while. So I don’t want this to be a shock but truth is I think you are beautiful and would like to go on date. But I will respect if you feel differently and go on my way. “ leave it at that.

As of right now please delete that last Snapchat message you sent and have ZERO contact with her. Don’t act all excited if she reaches out to you either. If she mentions ANYTHING about her new boyfriend politely cut her short and move on.

Time for radio silence. But the more you try to chat with her the more she will get turned off. You can’t make this better you can only make this worse at this point

That’s heartbreaking truth. You need to read Corey Wayne. You are too idealistic (no offense). However it takes one to know one. I was just as clueless at your age.

[Opinion Owner]

*three things. Excuse me.

[Thisandthatguy]

Hey, being an optimism and an idealist has gotten me through some tough times haha. But you're probably right in this case. I appreciate you being real with me while also not being a dick about it.

Anyway, I'm not sure if I can delete the chat but I think they delete themselves after a month anyway. Radio silence has been my strat since I realized she wasn't gonna open it. I'll take your advice about if she reaches out into consideration. Thanks for the detailed response you have some good insight.

[Opinion Owner]

No you can delete the snap you sent. I would do it right away.

I feel bad for you because I had a very similar mindset when I was your age. No one showed me the ropes growing up. Instead I was taught to be a “nice guy” and it let me be a lamb to the slaughterhouse. I was very idealistic.

There is nothing wrong with being optimistic. But you need to understand how women think and operate. Most guys hope they look at things the same way they do but they don’t nor vice versa.

Anyway you need to realize the emotions in your brain are leaving you chemically compromised right now. You aren’t looking at things clearly. If you weren’t in love with her then you would of noticed her body language/mannerisms better when she was around you. She would have the same body language around you as she has with s sibling. Comfortable but platonic.

Anyway radio silence is your best bet. It’s also the hardest course to take. As men we are used taking action to get results. That’s how we improve in school, work and sports. But unfortunately with women it’s different. We are expected to take action at the RIGHT time. If we take action at the wrong time it pushed them away. They determine the pace of a relationship. Not us. We just open doors and ask them to walk through.

[Opinion Owner]

For what’s it worth I can at least commend you for showing you were you stand. Sure you did years too late but your young so i forgive you. It’s better than watching her fall in love with some other guy and then being tortured having to watch and hear all about it. At least you saved yourself that grief.

Anyway I know a part of you is dying to hear from her. I am guessing she will reach out but it will be a very long time from now. At least months maybe even a 1-2 years from now. But remember at this point any contact you initiate (no matter what it’s for) will only make things worse.

Also close friends don’t ghost each other unless someone did something extremely bad. They might get pissed and not talk for a while but they usually compromise. So if she never responded that’s just telling you the ugly truth: she never really respected you. You are just an “orbiter” and a friendzoned tool to her. I know it hurts hearing that but you need to avoid those pos women at all costs. They have no conscious about exploiting you for all your worth. There are a lot of them out there too.

[SueShe]

The way I see it is that you let your chance pass by a long time ago and she was probably fed up of waiting for your to do a move.

When she told you "I love you" while you walked her back to her car, that is the time you should have reacted. I don't know how much time has passed since that event but apparently, she has found a person in the meantime that she liked since she did not get a reaction from you at that time.

Now that she has someone else in her life, she does not want to compromise the new relation by being close to you again. The best thing for her is to shut you out for a while and see how the situation develops with that new guy.

Just let her go because by trying to hold on her, you are only harming yourself. Good luck.

[Thisandthatguy]

Yeah, that's what some of my other friends are telling me, that she probably needs distance for her new relationship. I'm going to keep the door open but for now I think I'm just gonna focus on my school work. Even if we never end up together at least I told her how I felt. Thanks for the advice!

[Thisandthatguy]

Also, I did say. "I love you too." I had to cut that part out so I could stay under the word limit. I don't really remember how she reacted but she didn't say anything about it. I don't think so anyway.

[Pinay_ako]

She just doesn’t know what to say and seems like she doesn’t know what she feels about you either… you took her by surprise! Let her collect her thoughts and she will reach out to you eventually. Hope things go well. A friendship like that cannot be put to waste…

[globetrotter22]

I bet she knew for a long time he liked her. Yes she was young but girls develop that intuition quicker than boys do.

But he put himself in the friendzone on this one. Not blaming him though. He thought he was being a gentleman and he was doing what women “say” they like.

Yeah he caught her off guard. She’s thought he would be platonic friends forever and was just dandy with it. Not blaming her because he never made move earlier to make her think otherwise. The school dance (slow or fast) doesn’t count for anything either.

Truth is he will never be able to be “true” friends with her. Especially if she has a boyfriend and he’s got strong feelings. Those don’t fade overnight for young people. So don’t tell him “a friendship that cannot be put to waste” when it was never a true friendship to begin with.

She’s ghosting him right now too. The Snapchat invite to her bday party (where the new boyfriend will be present) will be her way of sending him “a message” about where he really stands. If she really respected him she wouldn’t of invited to that party with her boyfriend present.

Anyway I can understand her feeling really uncomfortable. But the only way to salvage any of this “friendship” for her to reach out to him and respectfully tell him the truth.

I bet you a million bucks she will only reach out to him when she’s upset with the new guy and needs a shoulder to cry on (but not sleep on)

[Thisandthatguy]

I absolutely agree. Thanks for the kind words!

[Thisandthatguy]

Uh, that was meant for Piany_ako. I haven't read the other reply yet.

[Pinay_ako]

You’re welcome ☺️

[coachTanthony]

You made it weird somehow. It happens.

[JSmuve]

Because she's immature and can't deal with conflict. Instead of talking to you she prefers to run and ignore you. Hardly a good friend. You were just her safe little friend that she could dump on emotionally, but she never felt anything romantic for you. Now you've ruined that for her by wanting to change things. I guess she's not happy about that. But honestly, you sound like a doormat. Take your two texts for example

"Hey, I'm probably not gonna make it to your party. I have a lot on my mind. I hope that's ok."

I hope that's okay? Who cares if it's okay? If you have a lot on your mind and want space, take it. You don't owe her an explanation and don't need to run it by her to see if it's "okay" with her.

"Can you please let me know if you hate me?"

This sounds really needy and approval-seeking. She's got no good reason to hate you other than her being immature and by sending this, you're just devaluing yourself and putting her on a pedestal.

You need to move on. I know it's difficult. Most guys have been where you are but you'll never make any improvements with her. Just move on. Focus on other women. Learn where you went wrong. There's entire videos on YouTube about behaviour that women find attractive and unattractive and I'm pretty sure you need to drown yourself in them. You're 19, you're still young but start pursuing multiple women and put her in your rear-view mirror.

[BlueScorpio]

The whole situation was probably awkward and cut her off guard it seems. She probably feels odd around you now knowing you have deeper feelings than just friendship. Since she's seeing someone else, she feels like its probably better to distance herself a bit as to not confuse you even more. I'm sorry to say but it sounds like she just loves you in platonic way and nothing more since she said she just wanted to be friends. Hopefully it hasn't ruined the friendship to a point it's over, but if she doesn't reply to you soon then it could mean the friendship is done.

[globetrotter22]

I bet you a hundred bucks she always knew but wanted to keep him at a arms length when it came to that. Not to say he helped himself because he sure didn’t. But again I have no doubt she knew.

But I have to give him a break. He’s a just a kid (and she is too) He doesn’t understand all of this yet. He sounds way to idealistic but he will learn.

[dustybiker]

I grew up with a group of make friends so I can understand her point of view.

I think she cares a lot about you. You crossed a line for her though and she needs some space.

If you’ve been friends that long she’ll more then likely reach out again. Sounds like it really shook her comfort zone (Which is what you were. Her safe space). Just let her be for now.

[dustybiker]

*male friends

[Thisandthatguy]

It's been hard but yeah, I'm giving her all the space she needs. I really hope you're right. Thanks for the advice!

[dustybiker]

Sure. Good luck. 😎

[Thisandthatguy]

Thanks pal

[DarkWinterNights]

She friend-zoned you a long time ago and now that she’s realized you have feelings for her she’s trying to avoid an uncomfortable situation.


I would stop trying to fix things and just move on. Unfortunately things will never be the same again and it’s unhealthy to wait around hoping she may end up liking you back someday.

[Vxnylla]

Wow I’m sorry , I think she’s not interested in you on the same way as you feel about her, she just sees you as a friend (at least for what you’ve wrote).
Things could change? Yes sure, but atm I think she’s just seeing you as that, a friend and that’s why she’s not even answering your messages ;(

[melodybluesy]

she saw you one way and not she needs to see you another way. give time, she might haven't wanted you the same way at a different time. timing is everything.

[FilmGuy93]

She's just not comfortable with the friendship anymore and needs some distance. You showed her that you have romantic interest in her, so now she feels like she has to reevalute how she interprets the friendship you had over the years.

[captain_voidwalker]

Because you women don't have male freinds they just keep you around for free shit. When you tried to move things romantically she realized you were no longer usable for free ahit so she cut you out of her life.

[Guy13]

Sometimes the girls need to think about it. Did she say yes?

[Thisandthatguy]

She said that she was talking to someone else and that she just wanted to stay friends.

[Guy13]

Damn… she has other interests. Give her some time to know you understand. She needs time to become comfortable again.

[Thisandthatguy]

I'm hoping that's soon. It's been 9 whole months since this went down. I'm really glad to see she's happy doing her own thing but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't bothered by her absence. Thanks for the kind words of advice.

[Guy13]

Oh I see. Relationship guy wants distance between guys and her. Go say hey 👋 anyway?

[Thisandthatguy]

I'd rather wait and let her come to me. I don't want to pressure her into anything.

[Guy13]

Makes sense... nothing worse than "I felt forced... you pressured me."... been there too! Good luck with it all.

[Thisandthatguy]

Thanks again for the advice!

[Guy13]

👍👍

[Anonymous]

Why do you guys dwell on stuff that is not happening? Just let it go.

[Thisandthatguy]

It's kind of hard to let go to someone you've been super close to for years. Relationship or not, she was still my best friend.

[Still-alive]

lol girls dwell on this shit all the time.. its not a gender thing

[Ryfyle]

Drop it and move on, you fucked up good and women will never be your "best Friend". Your better off doing a flip off a bridge.

[Iron_Man]

It’s complicated you have to talk to her about it lay all your cards on the table

[MountAverage]

Why is her reaction surprising to you?