How do I get out of a ten year rut?

[toymollyota]

I've been single for a decade—ten years!

Although I've been using my son as an excuse, the true problem is me! I am the issue. Yes, my son may be a minor part of the cause, but I'm the main culprit.

Me being unwilling to approach a man. Me defending my heart and myself from men. Therefore, I believe that being single is preferable to starting over with men. I haven't been willing to even try to let my guard down, or take the chance. My brain and heart stop me from trying or taking the risk.

Every time I consider doing it, I immediately begin to think of all the reasons why I shouldn't - I’m not desirable. Who would want an overweight, single mum? I have my son to think about. I don’t want a man to get too close to me. I want to keep him at arm's length. I’m not going through a broken heart again. I don’t want to look after a man again, cook and clean for him. Men will mess with me, use me... the excuses go on and on. I’ve known for a long, long time I self-sabotage.

Do I want to be on my own forever? No. I would like companionship, but I don’t ever want to share my home again with another man, but I want one.

I don’t know how to get out of this ten-year rut.

I have recently been having fleeting thoughts of joining a dating site. I've been having a flurry of thoughts about dipping my toe in the pond of men, but it scares the shit out of me, to be honest.

And the problem is - It's been TEN years! I have no idea anymore about that side of things, of how even to find a man, or talk to men, let alone anything else after 10 years. I feel stuck in a loop - I can’t afford to pay for dating sites (I’ve looked, and they cost a fortune - the ‘free’ version of them is pretty much useless). I don't trust sites like Tinder

Any advice, please? I just don’t know what to do anymore!

[Charlesbrandonf]

I’m in the same situation I’ve no idea about the latest dating. But I’m very sure I don’t want to be alone. So yeah I also know no one is going to teach me on how to be a man that woman would like. That being said we have to learn step by step. Don’t be hard on yourself too much. We all failed and we would still fail. 95 % of the time people fail. Otherwise 95% of the time people around us would be married. That’s not the case right. So Try, prepare yourself for rejection. Don’t approach men expecting something from them, be chill. Be causal. First try to explore yourself. Be in the spot. Make friends. Don’t worry about how you look. Make sure you advertiser yourself. It don’t mean you’ve to be on dating sites. Just be friendly with people around you. Welcome yourself socially. You’ll definitely get attention. You’ll know from there. Don’t allow yourself to get hurt. Protect yourself in a way that even when someone purposely hurts you, Make sure it won’t effect you. Always have backup plans. Feel safe around men.




The only way to over come this is by facing it. See is many people are scared of water who don’t know swimming. But once we are spending a hour of time daily in water make us feel confident that we are not going to drown in it. Same way goes for our insecurities. Take it slow you’ll see progress. Don’t forget to love yourself at your failures. We are all failures. But we are caring less about being failed now. So let’s live.

[Anonymous]

I think you have low self esteem because there are certain. Things about you that make you not really so desirable. You know full well your son has almost no hi g to do with it so you're definitely capable of being honest with yourself, you don't need me to be a dick and point out what's wrong specifically.

Focus on what you can change about yourself to make you more proud of who you are. Don't bullshit yourself, don't be afraid to face your inner demons.

Once you do that, men will start talking to you. You'd probably be really pretty if you were brave enough to try.

[Avicenna]

You need to have a clear mind and no emotional baggage. It doesn't sound like you're at that point yet.

[Anonymous]

You said...

'Who would want an overweight, single mum?'

'I don’t want a man to get too close to me.'

'I want to keep him at arm's length.'

'Men will mess with me, use me...'

If you aren't comfortable with yourself, are not at peace, and are not yet at a place where you feel love for yourself then this is what you should be working on. What you put out is what will be returned to you. Your best course of action is to focus on your self love, your son, giving to others and doing activities where you can naturally meet people from all walks of live who are likely to have something in common with you. But do all of this through God, scripture and faith.

If you do any of this on your own shoulders, you will be at the mercy of the current collective which only seeks to use you for pleasure and gain. What you fear is only possible without the protection put in place from God before you were even born. But you need to acknowledge this and put it into action through scripture. If this is not for you, that's fine, but then you will be at a severe disadvantage.

[jshm2]

If you're after a companion, rather than just sexual hookup, then maybe try a matchmaking service instead? They do the legwork for you and take out most of the guessing.

Other than that, maybe get out into your local haunts more and meet people? You'll not get a date, if you're not meeting people. Most "dating sites" are just paid chat sites with a chance of a meetup - rather than the other way round. I should know, I was part of a team, back in the day, that wrote most of the bots and scripts used these days.

Regardless, if you're in your thirties then getting out and about will get you more luck than getting online.

[goaded]

I think the matchmaking services are what she was saying were too expensive.

[whiskeyontherocks]

Sounds like you’re not ready.
Maybe do some self discovery; dare I say fitness oriented self improvement, build some confidence. in general gain personal growth maybe even get a fitness coach that incorporate’s a holistic approach to life. Invest in your self not finding someone else is a great way to find the right person for you.

[OddBeMe]

psychologically speaking it is you. most likely only attracted to a small subset of men who remind you of your father or some shit.

The advice I give to most problems (works a majority of the time) is to pop the bubble we all get into. We take the same route to work, shop at the same stores, go to the same bars, etc. Don't you think you do the same on dating sites?

Try changing something. Location, type of man, anything.

[goaded]

Evening classes, sports, book clubs, etc. might be worth a try? But if your son is still young, does that exclude evenings? Anything that gets you out of the house and meeting people can help, right?

[ambayside]

Personal growth will make a massive difference for your confidence and your ability to get out snd find your bloke.

[Anonymous]

Than have man for sex...