Is it OK that my new boyfriend still keeps in touch with his ex and spends time with her kids who aren't his?

[Anonymous]

She will ask for favours like taking them for haircuts and other errands like that.

[SnowedIn]

I think it depends on how long they were together and how old the kids were. Kids bond with the partners of the mom or dad if there's a single parent situation. Him stopping seeing them could be really hurtful to them and this that's why he still maintains contact with them. And, of course, to contact them he has to go through the ex. Unless you have reason to think otherwise haven't told us something, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt that he's doing something nice for the kids.

[Asker]

They are 3, 7 and ten. They recently broke up.

[SnowedIn]

That's a really rough age for them to have someone leave their life even if he isn't their dad (actually it's worse when it's not their dad). I'd shift this narrative in your mind: don't focus on the ex. She'll always exist. Focus on being a positive influence in those kids lives and help your boyfriend with them. Get them that haircut or ice cream or park or library or pool and invest in and love on them. The men/women they become will be directly attributable to you.

[Asker]

I don't see the kids or have a relationship with them. he goes there to see them.

[Avicenna]

that is in no way OK. Did you agree to that before you went exclusive?

[Asker]

There was no agreement really. That's a really big OK. Is it really bad?

[Avicenna]

It's beyond really bad

[Avicenna]

If you were OK with it, I'd ve telling you it's a bad idea and you're being naive, but since you aren't, he definitely shouldn't have been doing it.

Now, if what @snowedin suggests might be going on is accurate, then your boyfriend should have explained the situation to you when he started seeing you to make sure you were OK with it (no woman would be). But I very much doubt that that is what's going on here.

Talk with your boyfriend about it. If he insists on doing it, you should break up with him because it's not fair to you for him to be doing that. Is he paying for things for the kids?

I have three kids with an ex, and there is no way I'd be OK with some other guy pretending to be their dad. Nor if I were you, would I be OK with what your boyfriend is doing.

[Asker]

What do you think is really going on?

[Avicenna]

Obviously, I don't know for sure, which is why I said to talk to him about it, but I think he is still having sex with her. Otherwise he wouldn't be doing stuff like that.

[Asker]

Siigh. Ok thanks.

[Avicenna]

I hope I'm wrong, but I've never seen a guy do stuff like for someone's else kids when he isn't in a relationship with her unless he's having sex with her.

[SnowedIn]

I think @Avicenna has some really awesome points that you should consider. Here's I think my overarching thought: don't assume and don't accuse. You're an adult and so is he. Have a rational objective conversation and communicate with him. The two of you need to listen and understand each other: he why he's doing what he's doing and you why you have your very legitimate concerns.

[Avicenna]

@SnowedIn: That is excellent advice

[TakingitEasy15243]

Red flags to me unless he was with them for a very long time and genuinely had a ton of mutual love

[Summeroflove]

As long as they ain’t romantically or sexually involved

[slatyb]

It seems perfectly normal that he has bonded with her children.

[Calenderagressive]

Yeah...
He's just helping out...