Should I go ahead with it even though it will hurt him and end the relationship?

[Anonymous]

-Just a bit of background-

When I was 17-18 years old I went through a difficult time. I struggled with depression and ended up self-harming on my arm a few times.

-Fast forward to today-

Im (24F) in a much better place mentally. Im graduating this year, I’ve been dating my boyfriend (33M) for 4 years now and everything is just going much better for me. The only issue I have is my self harm scars. I have 3 scars on my wrist and it makes me so self conscious that I never take off my long sleeves (even in the hot hot summers). I’m constantly stressing about people seeing them and it feels like these scars have taken over my life. I’m not as social as I once was and now prefer to spend my time alone at home where people can’t see them and then judge me for it.

I’ve always wanted to get a tattoo to cover them, and I have finally decided on a tattoo that has a lot of meaning to me. I brought this up to my boyfriend and told him I wanted to get the tattoo because the scars are really holding me back in life and making me feel bad about myself. He told me that if I get the tattoo he will leave me. He said that he has some past trauma due to his previous relationship in which an argument over a tattoo ended the relationship and the whole thing just traumatized him. He said that he’s finally moved on from his past and now I’m bringing back some terrible traumatic things for him and he’s not going to stay in a relationship that brings him trauma.

I love this man with my whole heart and I don’t want him hurt him in any way or lose him, but these scars are hurting me. They’re destroying my self image and my self confidence.

What should I do? I’m so confused about everything.

[SnowedIn]

This is such a difficult spot for you to be in. I'm not thrilled with your boyfriend essentially telling you to not do what will help you heal. That is immature and selfish. (I want to give him a smidge of doubt owing to his past, but still.) My answer to your question? Yes, you should go ahead with it. You have to be whole and you have to heal. Losing him is the better option than pleasing him but not healing. Plus, you can't have a whole relationship without you yourself being whole. If he cares for you, he will get past it and if he cannot, no matter how much you love him, he's not the right guy.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your reply. He’s been telling me that I’m selfish for wanting this tattoo, but now I see it’s actually the other way around. I have told him in detail why I feel I need to get a tattoo. I told him that I have major anxiety when I have to go to a doctor because they usually lift your arm to do blood pressure tests, so I avoid doctors.
I told him that all of my appointments are based off of the weather, I check the weather to see when there’s a cold day, and then I book the appointment for that day> just so I don’t look weird wearing a long sleeve in hot weather or overheat.
I really really want to donate stem cells (it’s something I’ve wanted to do for years now), but for that they will need to lift my sleeves and I know a bunch of doctors will want to ask me questions.
I have a handful of close friends who know about the scars, but other than that, I’m too anxious to meet new people.
I have an internship interview at the end of the month, and I’m stressing more about what the weather is going to be in the day than for the actual interview.

I told him all of this. I was brutally honest with him about it and he still doesn’t care. He’s adamant that if I go ahead with this he’ll leave me.

[SnowedIn]

For what it's worth, I think you're 100% right. And the more adamant he becomes, the more I'm convinced he needs to go. Again, taking nothing away from his ptsd/trauma/life experience, just that cannot, should not stand in the way of your healing. And, he's missing the opportunity that as humans, we ourselves heal a little when we help others heal. Set him adrift and get that tattoo.

All the best to you!

[D-Pad_Chad]

Instead of hiding from your issues, both of you, have you considered dealing with it. You obviously aren't as over it as you say otherwise the scars wouldn't hold sway over you.

Sounds like you're better, but not entirely over things. Personally I'd recommend looking into therapy, both of you. And afterwards see if you still want a tattoo. And is it worth wrecking a good relationship.

[Asker]

I’ve been trying for 5 years to move on from it and it’s just not happening. The thing that effects me the most is how people see me now… once they see the scars they pity me and walk on eggshells around me and I hate this! Next year I start working, and I don’t want the scars to effect me in the working environment… I want to move forward with my life.

I have tried talking to him about therapy but he refuses, I have even tried coming up with middle grounds for us, such as having him make some design decisions for the tattoo. I hate that I would be breaking us up,,, I love this man so so much. I just feel like, how important is this relationship really to him if he’s willing to leave me over a small physical change.

[Asker]

The reason why I’m posting here is because we’ve been trying to ‘deal with it’ for the last year and a half. I don’t know what to do anymore.

[D-Pad_Chad]

Hm. Honestly your sincerity is touching, I mean that too. There might be another middle ground. Have you thought about talking to a dermatologists about treatments that might help with scar tissue removal?

I do understand his hesitancy as it's been shown men handle trauma differently, and therapist tend not to always understand.

But it's always worth a shot. That being said I can tell you from experience that most people won't notice the scars. Usually people are to self focused to notice much of anything 😆 I think you might perceive them as walkon eggshells, but in reality that's your own insecurities convincing you of something that might be less than it really is. I can't say for sure of course. It's just my conjecture.

[Asker]

I would definitely say it’s more of a mental thing, because I only have 3 scars and they’re not that visible. It still causes anxiety for me though.

I think he was really hurt in his previous relationship, they were engaged and he broke the engagement off because of reasons he still hasn’t really told me. I just feel like it’s wrong of him to push things from his previous relationship on to me. We’ve grown together in many ways, but there’s definitely a lot more growth that needs to be done. I’m going to call him after work and see if we can get together over the weekend and just talk things through.

[D-Pad_Chad]

Best of luck to both of you. As it stands I think your best to confront your issue rather than hide it or run from it. Maybe you and him can go on very public dates in the future to help get over it and grow in your relationship a bit

[LazerBean]

Normally I would say it's extremely stupid to argue over getting a tattoo or not, but it is just a fact that having self-harm scars is going to affect the way people around you see you. Covering them up is a great idea to help you move past them. Your boyfriend sounds like an idiot who is focused on himself and has no consideration for you. So you could tell him that you won't get a tattoo as long as he goes out and gets scars identical to yours. But quite frankly, I would dump him.

[Asker]

Exactly and I don’t want that. I don’t want people to see me differently based on one or two bad years I had. My mental health is much better and I’m ready to move on. I would much rather want a positive and beautiful tattoo on me than ugly and negative scars. Thank you so much,, I really needed to hear this. Even though it’s very difficult, I feel like it’s time to end things.

[boggboss]

If u believe u need it done to move on then do what's best for u

[Asker]

I do believe it’s best. It’s a big step in my self-love journey. I’m struggling to move on because people keep asking about the scars and making assumptions about me. But I’ve grown and mentally im in a good space right now.

[boggboss]

So do it hun