Yup, you got played. Just think of what else she hasn't told you.
Dude, whenever this happens it ends miserablily. You meet a women and she's amazing. She's so much fun and everything goes amazing. Then all the little things start to slip out, she's got two kids, 12 pets, $50,000 in debt, taking pay day loans to stop her car from being repossessed. I have seen it all my man.
Any on of those things by itself isn't something you could not over come together... but worst part is that she hid it from you. So there's at least 2 to 3 other things right now she ain't telling you and you will eventually find it. When do this type then swear that's it there nothing else she's told you everything... do be fool my man. This just first thing and usually come in sets.
The reason she's telling you right now about the kids, is because she's not going to be able to keep dating you at the pace you've been going. She running out of baby sitters, or beginning to feel guilty about time she's spending away from the kids. Which means the entire dynamics of relationship, and person you thought she was, is about to change.
Honestly, it's near impossible to date women with two kids. At most all they handle is maybe a weekend a month or a few hook up a month. By month 2 to 4 they start feeling guilty for not being with their kids more. So if you want to see her more you got to do things with kids... and brother if your heart ain't 100% in the right place, do not fuck round with a women with kids. They ain't yours, they are hers. And if you ever had your on kids, you'd know kids drive you nuts, and when they ain't yours like 10 times more so. You ain't competing with this women's attention over those kids.
Her life situation doesn't allow her date guts in traditional ways... they got time for it. Between work and her kids, that's her life. You were stress release, a nice vacation. Buts it's over now.
This is actually a tell-tale mate.
She is covering about her kids. No matter the reason... that means that if now that she's "supposed" to do extra effort during the beginning of the relationship she is already capable of covering this... what do you think she'll cover up later when she's feeling more accustomed to you?
And her having kids means:
1. You must keep in mind the costs of maintaining the kids (if you choose to)
2. The fact that one way or another the kids dad is gonna stay in the picture until the kids grow up.
It also means:
1. You have an extra chance to prove your love to her
2. You have bonus-kids that you could raise up as your own and enjoy hearing them call you 'father/daddy' over time
3. Enjoy seeing them grow.
So there are plus things to her having kids. But no matter what we tell you... we can't tell you to stay or leave. Cuz whatever you choose "YOU" have to live with the consequences of the decision.
My guesses are she wanted to get to know you first before introducing you to her kids as way of being protective of them. We hear a lot stories of women bringing unsafe men around their children so she's was trying to make sure that type of scenarios doesn't play out. My second guess is she was afraid of being rejected for being a single mother, we hear how a lot men feel towards single mothers and it's not always good.
Anyway leaving kids out of equation is pretty big secret to keep. It's definitely something that should been brought up first time speaking to one another. She will not get good results of she keeps hiding her children. In a way it's a red flag when a man or woman hides the fact they have children, they should not be ashamed to let someone know they are a parent.
honestly, she should’ve been honest the first date.
Some people will say it’s because she’s protecting them. Protecting them from what? It’s not like you’re meeting them soon after and people can still deceive her years after dating her and meeting the kids.
And second, people will say that she probably is afraid that you’d dumb her, but again, she’s not looking for the right person then. She needs to be with someone who will accept her from the start. And if she thinks this will keep you in her life after telling you months later that she has 2 kids, she’s totally in denial because a) she lied, and b) it’s your right to not want to date a parent.
So grosso modo, you’re not wrong in this. She’s in the wrong.
Opinion
43Opinion
At least two reasons:
1. She is protecting her kids. Until she gets to know you, you are a stranger.
2. She is afraid that you would immediately dump her if you found out she has kids. Once you get to know her, you might be less likely to do that.
Please tell us why this is upsetting you now.
This 💯
It's a red flag for sure. How her kids didn't come up in conversation for a month is beyond me. How important are her kids? LOL I mean really.
Excellent point
@TrueConfection Hey Thanks!
Surprise, surprise- she kept what is likely her major dealbreaker concealed from you. The lack of honesty on her part is also a complete dealbreaker.
If I had a dime for every "have kids, not interested in more" I see on online dating. Who okayed it that the only people who are allowed to reproduce are the self-absorbed narcs?
@fembotnpc777 Well put!
u You failed to ask her something that's important to YOU, and now this is HER fault? Do you see a problem here?
@fembotnpc777 To whom are you referring?
Oof, did I forget an "esquire"?
@fembotnpc777 It is not used in informal encounters.
yeah well you're probably wrong about that too
@fembotnpc777 That's your opinon and I will accord it the weight it deserves.
By the way, I just want to say that can't remember the last time I reported a comment and can't imagine being that sensitive to criticism. Not directed to any one person in any particular way. Just generally speaking.
@fembotnpc777 "I just want to say that can't remember the last time I reported a comment" People who lives in glass houses. . .
Sorry about that, man. She pulled a real entrapment on you. She wanted to see how much you really liked her before she sprung it on you. And no, it's not fair for her to do that.
Trapped like a rat cheese 🧀 🐀
Yeah it’s kind of a big deal….
The same reason you wouldn't want to bring up something that would/ could potentially disqualify you in someone's eyes before they got an opportunity to like you.
It's easy to disqualify single moms, and I'm not saying that I would date them- I wouldn't. But we can at least empathize with their dating struggle- imagine wanting someone to love in your life, but because of choices you had made in the past you would automatically be disqualified in the eyes of most before they even got a chance to know you.
Of course, this information has to be told at some point, but when? Before the first date? From experience I'm sure she's been ghosted/ cancelled when she'd done this. Three months later? Probably not, that's too far along. Realistically a month sounds reasonable- she's invested some time in you, and you've gotten to know her fairly well, but it's not so long that if you do decide to opt out it would be a significant waste of either of your time.
If you don't want to date a single mom, don't let anyone shame you into doing so- including yourself.
If she's a single mother and has been dating you, then it's clear that she sees you as a viable partner and provider for her current offspring.
"Shouldn’t she have told me sooner?"
Perhaps, but think about what you know now against what you understood initially: you were under the illusion that she was single and/or childless, and were dating her on that basis, all the while she's been managing her children and wondering when or if it was a good time to bring them up. "By the way, I already have two children" is a perspective-altering revelation and most people aren't exactly keen to stick around after knowing that, if they themselves are childfree or just generally single. If she led with that, you would have been gone like Diddy Kong--no second guessing, no hesitation, right? Therefore, it's not exactly in her best interest to lead with her "childrearing status", since her dating pool is already probably small and such a development makes it even smaller.
Maybe a single father or someone indifferent to raising another person's kids would think otherwise, but how large of a pool of men is that? Diminutive, relative to the size of the population, and I doubt it's getting bigger by choice. If those men could get with a woman who doesn't come with kids and baggage--a sentiment you yourself are affirming---why would they choose otherwise? This doesn't mean she is a victim or that you are a sh*tty person for not staying with her, knowing what you now know. These are simply statements of observable reality.
Depends, how many times have you dated in that month?
If it is only 3 or 4 dates, no big deal but by the 6th date it should of come out.
No one can be expected to spill everything in the first date or two, especially if your having fun doing other stuff.
That said, if you went out each night for a week, I'd think a week would be enough but it really depends on how much.
How and when someone decides to share this information is up to that person, you can of course ask. It doesn't make someone a liar to not share some person information but it would if you asked and she said no.
Actually it takes as long as it takes. She has to feel comfortable with you first. She needs to know you are not a creep before putting her kids out there. Then she has to be will to take the next step with you before telling you about them. She knows that could be a deal breaker so her has to be willing to be with you if you are okay with it.
@Qdbrown I disagree, besides, she may have been raped and had the baby, and she didn't get a choice in the matter. Holding that against a rape victim, just keeps on making her a victim over and over again.
One cannot spill every life detail on the first date, there simply isn't enough time... I can't even do it all in the first five dates.
I have no kids and I never will and I won't date a guy who has them myself but I have human decency to at least get to now him first.
@Qdbrown Do you share all your life's traumas and problems on the first date, with someone you don't trust yet?
A month isn't that long at all, it really isn't. It might only be 3 or 4 dates tops, which isn't a lot.
she figured that send you away fast, so gave time to explore. Unfortunately, people do have their fears, and vulnerability takes time.
your call...
I'm a step-dad. It's good in some ways, it's challenging in others. It's a choice and you you can work it out for the best. But Id suggest there is a lot more going on you don't know and it's up to you if you put the energy into sorting it out. What this does is it takes a lot of the challenging questions in relationship and puts them up front for you to deal with... rather than living off of the mating hormones. That's good and bad... good if you work through it and accept it.
I'm sure it's tough being a young woman with kids, they must plan for the kids, they know they have needs for support and the kids are #1 priority. You are not... you are the man.
"I was dating her for a month and she now brings up that she has two kids. Shouldn’t she have told me sooner?"
She absolutely should have. This is a pretty big red flag. Think very carefully about what you want before you continue this relationship. She won't have a lot of time for you. Do you want to be a step-parent?
That's the first thing about herself she should have told you. Her kids should be her priority. So you'd think she'd need to know how a guy feels about her having kids and about kids in general before pursuing anything with him.
I don't know what her motive is for not being upfront about in the beginning. It's worth asking. Just to see where she's coming from.
So let me get this straight... you, guys have been going out for 4 weeks, you never asked about whether she had kids and then you are upset that she didn't share a very personal piece of information that you didn't ask for and doesn't really have anything to do with you? Is that right?
I mean you are dating her not her kids, so what is the issue here?
Let’s say your dating with the intent of having something more long term. Now if that person has kids and you don’t want kids then chances are the relationship won’t work.
Now maybe he does have kids and he just doesn’t want to take care of someone else’s kids.
Or possibly your fine with some else’s kids and you just don’t want to be surprised by 2 kids when you go to your girlfriends place.
When it comes to romantic relationships kids are a very important thing to know about for very important reasons.
@crossdressingrihno Was that intent explicitly communicated? If that was the intent, wouldn't you ask?
If he doesn't want to care for children that are not his own, then he can simply choose not to.
Well, if she told you, it's not really surprise, is it?
Yes kids are important to know about when you are in a serious relationship, 4 weeks of dating hardly constitutes as a serious romantic relationship.
Dude run.. there are plenty of women without kids and would not hide what could be considered a deal breaker.
We usually find out were in love with someone after 2 months of dating, she waited for you to be in love to trap you.
This is pure manipulation, and doesn't bode well for you. Reduce the time you spend with her and find someone who will be upfront to you.
She probably didn’t tell you sooner because she was worried you’d run away. A lot of the times these things happen. I mean, on the plus side, to me that means she’s actually likes you, despite hiding something so big.
Its prity simple she liked you and liked the attention dating for single mother is hard and she gave a shot.
She wanted you to see her as a individual person and the way she is.
She built the bridge first between you and her then she rolled the kids to see if the bridge is strong enough.
Important things about ourselves should be shared when dating at 1st. All part of the dating/communication experience. Withholding important information such as having kids or not is something I feel should be shared early on. When meeting the 1st time, or during the 1st few days of texting each other. A month is kinda late revealing that. Especially since some people don't date single parents.
Did you see yourself being with her? Did you not bother to ask that yourself? Are you still interested in her? Do you have children of your own?
Unless you had high hopes for this woman, then this isn't really a bad thing. I'm not gonna play devil's advocate here, I'm just gonna be real about it. It's better know a month into dating rather than finding out when you both decide to get serious. Besides, if it a deal breaker, just stop seeing her.
She told you after one month, not one year or getting some commitment from you.
There is no lack of honesty in that; only the understandable human attempt to not start things by bringing to your attention what is almost sure to be a deal-breaker.
She's done it alright, now it's your turn and your choice.
If you were a parent you would know why. Her kids come first. My kids are grown now but I was a single father and my kids safety came first. I had to know the person before I put my kids in possible danger. That takes more than two or three dates….
Exactly!!
It's a huge step for the kids too, not having biological parent around and being ready for a potential stepfather and stuff. But no... All this guy cares about is himself
u She definitely should’ve told you sooner than a month. I can understand her not wanting to involve her kids in the start of a relationship, but she should have at least told you that she has kids just incase things got more serious between you two.
A month isn't very long. Maybe she wanted to get to know you a little bit first. If it had been 2 months, that would be too long. One month? Meh. Unless... you were sleeping together. In that case, she should have told you sooner.
Unless you have kids, do not date a single mom. She intentially his them from you. There is no good from dating a single mom, and let's just say it straight up, you come last when there are kids involved. Walk away.
Because based on her her experience, she knows most guys don't get serious with single mothers and her odds of catching you are better if you don't know until after you have invested considerable time and money in the relationship.
The difference is a guy who just lost his job probably isn't going out looking for a girlfriend. This chick though who's already pumped out two kids , which has to be hard, is putting her happiness above her two kids. She already picked a wrong partner once, one who fathered her kids.. leaving a new guy who isn't the father will be much easier AND the kids get to see more guys coming and going
Because sharing that information requires a level of trust that she had to build with you before sharing it, and she knows that kids from a prior relationship is a deal killer for a lot of men.
im pretty sure you don't never dated any woman and you're just making this shit up to shit on women further
Protecting her kids, and making sure she either likes you or can trust you. She may also be worried that you’d leave.
Why didn't you check? You can't have asked her much about her life, unless she has been lying without finding that one out.
I never thought of asking if she had kids
Yes, this is the sort of thing that should be stated up front. It’s wise to not introduce someone to the kids until after plenty of dates, but the fact that she has kids should have been stated right up front.
doesn't want to scare you away before she has a chance to see whether it has potential
It's just one month, bruh. It's not like you've popped the ring and now she's telling you. Clearly she needed time to adjust. Get fucking over yourself.
Why? Because she didn't want to scare you away right off the bat. She figured that if you get to really liking her, you'd be ok with it.
Check out the kids first. Maybe you like them.
@Qdbrown - ''checking out'' is not yet a commitment, mate.
She was likely trying to trap you, she around your age and already have so much baggage?
Well it might make sense not to say anything right away because she did not know if it was going anywhere, nor perhaps what kind of person you are. But a month does seem excessive to me.
So like, on the next date, will she tell you that you have to pay for them?
here's question you could ask. where (or who) is the father of her kids?
She might have just enjoyed your company and was trying to see if she liked you first. Figuring that once you found out. You would hit the bricks!
She wanted to trap you. Ditch her for not being honest and because you shouldn't date single moms. She needs to be home with the kids not running around town for dick. You can do better.
A lot of guys would head for the hills if they found out she had two kids.
Uh, oh!! She wants to make you an instant daddy!!
Run.
She will always compare you to her children's father.
Don't even dare be with her.
How do you date someone for a month and not know that? We're you not asking her any questions that pertained to her life?
Yeah that's a deal breaker for me. Honesty up front or I'm not interested.. I would drop her in a heart beat.
You are way to young to deal with that shit, dump her.
Yes that’s something that should be discussed on the first date
Single moms are known to trap guys without kids, she got you good😂 ran b4 its too late
She tried to hook you to raise her kids.
Dont
Man the dating scene these days bruh... almost impossible to find someone legit
Of course she should have.
That’s odd. Far too long in my opinion.
Why didn't you ask sooner?
She should have mentioned it sooner!
1 month? Naah.
Have you had unprotected sex yet?
no... 1 month is literally nothing.
also. you're dating. not in a relationship. big difference.
Because that's a dealbreaker for most people.
Yeah she should’ve.
Well yes but it up to you
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