I’m hot, funny, smart, interesting, and chronically lonely. Why should I have to compromise my standards to get a half decent boyfriend?

Question

Just to be clear I have flaws, I get that but I’m a catch. I have a billion hobbies and interests mostly artsy, singing, and cooking type stuff all of which I’m very proud of. Despite never having a boyfriend I know I’d be a loving partner. I really want is a connection someone who sees me and I see them.

But I also feel my love has value, I’m smart so my partner should be. I’m pretty cute so my partner should at least be physically attracted to me. We should have aligning beliefs and he should be funny, hilarious actually. Preferably (not a requirement) not a sports guy and more or an introvert. I will spend that on him therefore he should do the same.

I don’t get why I have to lower my standards but I’m so chronically lonely and sick of waiting. I could have a boyfriend tomorrow but he wouldn’t fall at least 2 of loose categories and I don’t think I should have to compromise for that.

Why am I not enough, why am I not lucky enough.

I’m impatient why do I have to sit miserable or give up for someone who won’t even value me, someone who I’ll feel bad for comparing to other guys who fit what I want? Why do men never have to settle either? Why is it always women? I’m so tired.

DaveJord · Accepted Answer

Relationships are all about compromise... so if you are all that you say you are then there should be no problem. But being objective about yourself is a hard thing to do.

You probably surrounded by great guys every day, but the uncompressing high horse you're riding on is making you blind to it. When people place such a high value on themselves, they tend to devalue those around them. That is to say you think so much of all the things you have to offer, that you do not fully appreciate what it is that he has to offer... he places value on things to, but you are unwilling to compromise? No, then what's the point. Maybe he does not place the same value on you that you place on yourself.

So basically, just reading this post makes thing you are so oblivious to how self-centered you sound, and probably actually are. Most guys are not going to meet a woman like you, and then want to work as hard as you expect them to just to be with you, and those that would do that for you probably don't meet your standards to begin with.

So good looking high value type guys, are not going to chase after you on the level you feel you deserve... why? Because they don't need to that's why. They are more than happy to be with an average looking woman, that values them and appreciates them on the same level they appreciate her.

So, you have unrealistic expectations, you have set your value so high, nobody is in the market at that price range you feel you deserve. It's like buying a full loaded Hummer, who really needs a fully loaded hummer?

Nobody does, unless you got the fuck off money to waste on status symbols. The truth is you can get a pickup truck at half that price and be twice as happy with it. Thats why they discontinued the manufacturing of Hummers, nobody wanted to buy them. Yeah, they were cool to look at and marvel over, but they were not easy to drive, and super expensive to maintain.

MCheetah · Accepted Answer

Anyone who claims they're any of these things, are almost guaranteed not to be. And 18 to 24, big shocker. The age where girls are at their most arrogant and riding the most dicks. And almost NO women anywhere are funny; especially not 18 to 24 year olds.

You're probably a 4 thinking you're a 10. That's why you're alone. And it's not exactly rare for modern women, either. You've probably rejected numerous men who were way too good for you.

You're also deluded if you think men don't have to "settle" or lower their standards. 90% of all straight men have to settle or lower their standards!

Women like you are such a massive turn-off. I'm fully expecting you to say some snide, bitchy response back to me (especially if you're black). But when you make posts like this, implying how you're a 10 and demand literal perfection, but also whining about "being lonely," no one but the most pathetic and useless of simps, are going to take pity on you and your Jupiter (if not Betelgeuse) sized ego.

Either get over yourself or prepare your "where have all the good men gone?" whining 15 years from now.

I’m hot, funny, smart, interesting, and chronically lonely. Why should I have to compromise my standards to get a half decent boyfriend?

letuswaltzforthedead · Accepted Answer

There's probably not much that's wrong with you overall but there's also not much that's wrong about "settling" as long as there's an actual relationship there. I'm not sure what you mean about " Why do men never have to settle either? Why is it always women? "

people usually don't have to settle by much but they still compromise on some of there standards (obviously, don't date a abusive a*shole or anything like that though). From my experience though, it's usually the guys I know that settle since most of the women I know want, like you, date someone who meets their standards or not date at all. The guys are usually ok with dating down because they know "flaws" can be worked with.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Hmmm. You could consider relocating to an area with lots of desirable men. Also, hanging out where they congregate like golf clubs, business conferences, higher end restaurants and bars... I'm throwing out ideas. But really, be where the desirable men are.

Datboi65 · Answer

I find it very hard to believe, and part of me thinks that you are not telling us the full story.

Whenever someone is lonely, most likely it's their fault but they can't figure out why. You seem to be frustrated at the world and how unfair it is, rather than taking time to figure out where you are going wrong, and trust me that there are a billion different things where someone can go wrong.

Let's start with first impressions. How do you come across as? Are you loud and obnoxious, or more calm and relaxed? Are you more outgoing or lowkey? Do you have any tattoos/piercings or not? Do people often tell you that you are rude to them, or not? Are you a people's person, or do you enjoy peace and quiet? Do you partake in "edgy" activities and trendy behaviors, or do you prefer not to follow the crowd?

What I just listed scratches the surface, and there are a ton more questions someone would need to know more as to why you are not getting any results. Of course these are questions you may not be able to answer yourself, because not everyone has complete awareness of themselves, but are rather questions for the people around you. A first impression makes everything, and there are a lot of girls that I would purposely avoid approaching no matter how attracted to them I am, just because I'm not impressed with how they behave.

The guys that you want do exist, and if you have trouble attracting them then it's either a personal flaw or a flaw in your approach. Maybe you aren't looking in the right places. Of course I'm missing the full context, so I cannot identify the problem as of now, but it certainly has to be one of these two.

mickmrly · Answer

You seem like a nice, interesting and wholesome person. I'm sorry to hear that you are getting so stressed and tired about trying to find a nice guy. One of the problems of todays world is that with so many things online, many people just go straight between work and home with little time spent on going out and meeting people.

To help out your search for a guy you like, perhaps you should consider thinking of it more like a game. You want a nice single guy and you can't currently find one. So you should start by talking to people you know around you and trying to find some info about appropriate single men, and then start expanding who you talk to during your search. Then you should go on quests around your area looking for events where the guy you like may be, while trying to have some fun in the process. If you still can't find your guy you might need to leave your town and go to a new place where you talk to more people and go to more events in your search.

I don't mean to make light of your predicament, but I think if you could fall back on a familiar formula like an RPG (eg Pokemon games) you could better get through your trials and hopefully find some success sooner rather than later. Also don't discount the value in just being yourself for yourself, you have your whole life ahead of you and when you do find someone you might miss your time alone sometimes, so try to enjoy the time you have now.

RavVid · Answer

Don't think men don't compromise - we do. Top of the list for most guys, is we want a girl who gets us sexually excited over her, is generally happy and loving in nature and it doesn't hurt if she is fun too.

In general we don't care what she earns or how smart she is.

I think you do have a fairly long list of reqs. Say you want a guy with an IQ of at least 125. OK you are immediately narrowed down to 8% of the population. Guessing 1% of guys are hilariously funny. You are now down to 0.08% of the pop. Maybe 1 in 4 have similar world view as you. Now you are at 0.02%.

If you had wanted an IQ of 140 or above you you would have drooped to 0.39% at the first step then to 0.0039% with the humor req and about 0.001% with a suitable world view.

I'm sure you can see the trend line. Not saying you shouldn't stick by your standards but you could quickly get down to few suitable guys. Just 1 in 10,000 men in 3 reqs. As you add in the other reqs you gonna drop down further assuming there is no correlation between characteristics. Add in an empath req and you'll be at 0.00001% or 1 in 1,000,000 men

Whereas a guy is happy to settle for a girl who gets him hard, puts out reliably and is reasonably nice to him.

inhua · Answer

what standards are you comprising? if you're trying to look for the rare perfect man out there, your chances are slim and the competition is high.

you'll need to set your priorities straight and yes you may need to compromise of some things which is more or less important to you.

maybe for you, you wish for a guy who is at least an 8/10 in looks and a 8/10 in humor but such a guy doesn't exist but you have one guy who is a 10/10 in looks but 4/10 in humor or another guy who is a 4/10 in looks but a 10/10 in humor. the choice is yours to stay alone or try to find ways to enjoy someone. that's all there is to it.

Fireguy17 · Answer

you shouldn't, and if you did eventually you would end up dumping him because it would bother you so much.
Keep your standards and the right person will come along.
Maybe go on one of the better dating sites where you have to pay to join, it really helps cut down on those looking to just hook up.
Like e harmony, it's just lunch.
Most people on those type of sites are looking for that someone special.
He may not check off every box in your want list but just make sure the major boxes are checked off.
It can take a while, but it will happen.

FilmGuy93 · Answer

You don’t have to compromise on things you need, just make sure that you aren’t confusing things that you need with things that you want. It’s important to be excited by a prospective partner.

Relationships take two people, so there are 4 variables that need to equalize to make a relationship happen. There’s your wants/desires and your sense of self worth, or feeling that you have the ability to hold onto a guy that has what you desire. Then, he has the same variables on his side.

So it’s very possible that you simply aren’t running in social circles where the men value the kind of woman you are

DynamicKicker · Answer

Doesn't mean you're unlucky, not enough, nor have too high of expectations or standards. But you can't just wait around and expect the person to fall into you out of nowhere (especially if you want him to be introverted, those sorts of people don't normally do that lol). It's good you're confident though. Just keep your head up and keep looking

Jdjfjcjj · Answer

What you think are valuable traits in rating yourself, often don't really matter to a guy.

You mentioned hot, okay I like
Funny, no girl is actually as funny as they think
Smart, street smart or book smart? I value a woman who is smart enough to know what situations to avoid versus one who can tell me what a fourier or Laplace transform is.
Interesting, don't really care

Are you good looking, faithful, feminine, and not a hoe. Then you good.

SnowedIn · Answer

The short answer to your question is that you don't have to compromise. Maintain your standards and one day that guy might come. I'd add, though, that all of have flaws -- you, too, said that. So you don't have to compromise your standards but maybe compromising some of them -- even a few -- would yield a larger pool for you. Again, you don't have to compromise, but the pool of guys who meet your standards means it'll take time.

Anonymous · Answer

I am exactly similar to you with similar hobbies, interests, and life stories. I think I am funny as most people seem to enjoy my talks and humor and laugh. I am a grad student and 2-3 years older than you with no previous relationships. Perhaps I can teach you more about art, cooking, and science.

However, life isn't always fair. Finding someone that fits into all of your descriptions can be impossible, so people settle. You need to be patient and men do settle all the time. Perhaps similar or more than women. Women have more power in dating than men. Settling for dating and settling for marriage is different and they don't always commute with each other.

Actually, people don't settle they just get compensated differently in relationships than they would have imagined.

Guys who are generally smarter will fit into your description. Perhaps look for where smart guys hang out in your geographical area.

HighValue · Answer

If you find someone you want, ask him out yourself instead of waiting on him. Many of the qualities you listed are not things someone would know about you without having multiple conversations with you beforehand.

Anonymous · Answer

'men need women more than women need men. '

ArtemisSilver · Answer

Sounds like you are still waiting because you've set some unrealistic expectations. Are you out actually looking for someone or just hoping they'll come to you?

Tyrael · Answer

You need to get out there and look for that person then

joeldalton · Answer

lol, you think you’re a lot better than you actually are.

Anonymous · Answer

You are chronically lonely because you don't bring to the table the things that a quality man wants. The end.

Anonymous · Answer

Why should I have to compromise my standards to get a half decent boyfriend? Do whatever the f**k you want nobody cares!

sassy_receptor · Answer

don’t. who said you had to settle?

slatyb · Answer

What are you doing to meet potential boyfriends?

LazerBean · Answer

Don't settle, just do a better job of advertising.

I’m hot, funny, smart, interesting, and chronically lonely. Why should I have to compromise my standards to get a half decent boyfriend?

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