Why do I keep attracting poor-quality guys?

[Anonymous]

I keep attracting guys who are crazy, immature, controlling, player-types, not physically my type, etc...
I'm an undergraduate college student and I believe I have a lot to offer to someone. I'm really nice, educated, well-known in my community, mature for my age (even though I acknowledge that I have a lot to learn from life), respectful, caring, selfless, don't party or do drugs... Not trying to sound conceited, but if you're wondering, lots of people tell me how beautiful/hot I am. I don't know what it is because I try to expose myself to as many people as possible. Some of these guys I've met offline in the real world too.
Do I need to become the opposite of what I am in order to attract what I want? Is it just bad luck? If not, what can I do? Please tell me because I'm fed up.

[meowcow]

Your personality traits are likely responsible for the types of guys you attract.

I have seen many lady friends run into the same problem as you (attracting douchebags) and there is one common theme. The women lack self confidence. Douchebag guys are very good at paying women meaningless compliments (oh you're so beautiful) and women with low confidence or low self esteem totally fall for that bullshit. I've seen girls that have ZERO interest in a guy, turn and make a 180 degree decision to "give him a chance" because he seemed so nice and gave the girl the compliments that she was so desperate for.

On the other hand, there is the other group of men who are not accustomed to giving exhaggerated compliments. They will never say "you're beautiful", as these men typically don't express their feelings through words. They are more likely to show their feelings by actions, and doing things for you... but never actually saying things like "I love you".

To many women, hearing those words are important. So the so-called "nice guys" who do things for you, but never say anything affectionate are often looked over. They may be nice to you, but you may never view them in a romantic sense, because they've never expressed themselves.

In contrast, you may be falling for the dick who compliments every pair of tits that walk past. Many women ignore this douche... while other women fall into a repeating cycle of liking these men.

FYI, most of these douches can be found online on dating sites.

[johari]

So true!!

[Janedoe25]

Agreed 100% I've only met douche bags online with serious issues towards women. I can smell them in a half hour date at this point. BEWARE the compliment guys. Focus on the action guys. Not meaning they are over the top because that is just love bombing douche bags.

[Janedoe25]

Join groups to meet guys. Hiking, science, art, entrepreneur, whatever it is you have an interest. There are people in the world who have never even considered online dating. Those are the guys you want to meet.

[Asker]

The last douchebag I encountered was a guy I met while working for a political campaign. I'm a very confident person given that I know my own worth and I'm not trying to sound conceited, but I get complimented on my looks all the time.

I used online dating apps and was getting lots of messages everyday. I didn't respond to everyone just because they said how beautiful/sexy I am. I looked at what they had up on their profile and then decided whether to respond to them or not.

So I still don't know what the problem is, but I doubt that it's because they sense a lack of confidence.

[SomeGuy37]

Maybe they are just physically attracted, and maybe you are too nice, when they approach you, and haven't developed a convincing 'FCK OFF' look.
I have had a lot of REALLY HOT, attractive female friends, and they seem to feel like they can confide, and trust me, being the 'smart nerd' kind!! In fact, I think some asked me to help them and 'tutor' them in some classes, just to talk to me, because I just seem to understand, and relate well with most women (NO, I am not gay!!!)
From what I heard from them, they are either ignored, maybe because some guys are too intimidated to approach them, or they get hit on by over-confident D-bag players that just want to FCK them.
I've even had some of those D-bags ask me about some of my friends, having seen us talking.
I NEVER tell them anything, except that they need to talk to her. But I tell her to be aware of these players and they just want one thing!!
I don't have any issues just approaching a really attractive, 'hot' kind, as they are usually not my type, and I am not interested. Most just 'sense that' and we end up talking, and other guys are watching me, kind of a 'nerd' talking with her, making her laugh!!
It's about WHO you choose!! Does the guy really care about you, or does he just want a one-night fck?

[Cuteguy135]

I am not gay! Omg that made me laugh. But seriously, this guy makes some great points! Maybe you need to go after the guys instead of letting them come to you. Or go after a guy you never thought you would just to see what it's like.

[Asker]

@Cuteguy135 I'm really shy. Plus, based on my observations, if a guy won't approach you, 9 times out of 10, it's because he's not interested.

[SomeGuy37]

I LOVE it, when a lady approaches me!! I might not have seen her, noticed her, but maybe she saw me, and was interested!! PLEASE, come over and say hello, and let's chat!! OMG, I LOVE that assertiveness, on her part, and it makes me REALLY RESPECT HER, for taking that 'chance,' and being confident (OK, just ignoring the fear and apprehension, like guys do!!) BUT WOW!! LOVE when she comes over, and says she was looking at me, and wants to talk!!

[Chantel77]

Lol I wonder the same!!
My guess is that we pass up the good ones because they don't look good OR act right like if they're lame.
Also maybe those good quality ones don't show interest like how the "low" quality does.

Maybe those low quality ones like you because you inspire them to be better and more like you. They have potential to become "high" quality men. I try not to judge and I know what you mean but don't complain. Take it as a compliment, some girls don't get any attention at all.

There's nothing wrong with you, just try talking to the high quality men you like so they notice you. If you don't act or look the part they may not really notice you

[RJGraveyTrain]

Listen, I've had my share of crazies approach me and undesirables; but if you strictly attract shit human beings... something is wrong there. Either A) You're largely desirable and are approached by a lot of people or B) Something with you is making it so you aren't meeting the right people. When it comes to women I highly suspect they either over-assume their "value" and ignore their faults or they're insanely passive. By that I mean they don't put their strict standards out there enough to actually weed through the shitheads. They just tolerate it.

[goddess87]

You need to increase your standards. Don't date these guys that aren't set up in life. I know most people who say their mature for their age usually aren't as much as they think, but if you truly believe you are then you should go for a man that is around 30 at least. The truth is a lot of men don't really start getting it together until their 30s. not saying younger guys are terrible, they just aren't ready for as serious of a relationship as a man who already has a house, career, etc

[Asker]

I agree and that's why I prefer older guys. It's pretty hard to meet them as a college student though given that they're probably married or have a girlfriend by that age.

[goddess87]

They're out there for sure.

[aicarg]

I understand the struggle. Took me a year and a few months until I found a genuine guy again. We actual called it official about a week and a half ago.

Don't lower your standards and change yourself to attract guy's that aren't willing to love you and be attracted to the real you. Keep doing you and don't force yourself to feel pressured in finding a guy. When you least expect it, a good guy will come around.

[Pi_Sahasra]

Crazy is subjective, I would assume and infinite knowledge God would sound crazy if I were attempting to speak in human form. Immature and controlling are men who are player types... they depend on women so they become players but depending on others requires little self discovery making then immature and controlling because they aren't self confident nor self dependant. The true man you are looking for are those that are loners and rarely make an attempt to pursue women because they are self dependant and self confident in a non-intrusive way. To find those kinds of man, YOU have to make the first move and decide and not let men do all the moves because as i said, those kinds of man depend on women to fulfill their needs thus they more readily execute the first move because they have an objective. Think about it, men rarely make a move until and unless there is an objective so the one that doesn't must be more self accomplished, self reliant and self discovered unless he isn't which would only leave out loyal men with nothing to prove or nothing to pester you with as they can come out of it easier than a dependant one

[Anonymous]

You know that EVERYBODY thinks they have a lot to offer people, right? The question here is why do you keep allowing "poor-quality" guys to approach you instead of approaching the guys you see that do fit your possibly high standards? Do you look around you and see nobody worthy of dating you? If so, then your standards are too high.

You're probably looking for 10/10 Calvin Klein underwear models, disregarding the men who aren't "physically your type" despite how a lot of these men probably could impress you if given the chance. Your ego has no doubt been so inflated by all the people who find you attractive that you're judging yourself as too good for everybody around you. Sorry, but you aren't a queen among men and there are no kings either, the sooner you realize that, the easier it'll be for you in the dating game.

You want a boyfriend who is actually your type? Get him yourself. Stop sitting around and hoping that men are going to do all of the initiating. It's not our jobs to do that anymore. That's what you have to do, as I'm sure there are plenty of men who are fed up as well.

[Asker]

I hear what you're saying, however if these good-quality guys aren't approaching me, it means they're not interested or are already taken. Not every good-quality guy is shy and if they're actually interested, best believe that he will make a move at some point. Not everyone follows those feminist gender role ideas.
I'm not looking for a supermodel kind of guy. In fact, I would prefer an average-looking guy with a great personality. I just want someone who meets MY physical criteria (ex. tall, fit, short hair, good teeth). All of the guys who approach me lack at least one of those elements.
I don't think I'm better than anybody else. I think everyone is special in their own way and everyone likes something different. However, you've got to admit that guys who exhibit the qualities I just described with the exception of the physical part, are no doubt, assholes and poor-quality guys.

[Janedoe25]

I get it. Part of the reason is the value and maturity level of today's boys/men. Also the fact that so many women/ girls spread their legs on 2nd date. And do not settle for a less attractive guy. He will most likely be insecure in the relationshit. Bern there done that. Go for a guy about 10 to 15 years older. Their ego will be so stoked they will treat you like gold. That's what I'm seeing.

[Chico_brah]

This is probably not something you want to hear, but logic tells me that if you're attracting lesser quality men through trial and error a multitude of times, you're not as quality as you think. Women your age are more selective and have the ability to be more selective. Give that fact, women at younger ages tend to date up rather than down.

If you're all of these things, then quality men would be perusing you. I don't necessarily correlate not partying to be mature. I personally think that's stupid. I'm a former Marine, I've been financially independent since I left high school, about to graduate with a degree in engineering, and I'm in a committed relationship with a kid on the way. I still love to party on the weekends when I can. Maturity has to do with life experience.

I think the issue is yourself for that's the only logical conclusion there is. There are quality men out there and they exist. The rational approach is not to say the issue is every guy in the world and not yourself. The rational approach is do a self assessment which you seem to be doing right now.

It could be bad luck, but by no means is bad luck the contributing factor as to why. You don't need to become the opposite of what you are for deception is transparent in dating. Authenticity in regards to who you are and what makes you.. well you is very attractive. The reverse is very unattractive.

My suggestion is that you analyze yourself.

[Asker]

I disagree with your viewpoint. I know lots of good-quality women with great careers, great looks and personalities, who have the same problem and I'm being completely honest about the qualities I have to offer. As per partying, sure I party once in a blue moon and there's nothing wrong with that as long as you don't do it in excess.
However, you can't always blame the woman for attracting these kinds of guys into their lives given that we have no control over who approaches us and who doesn't. Just like you can't blame victims for attracting bullies into their lives.

[Asker]

In addition, I never said that these guys were immature because they partied, although I do consider party animals to be immature. I consider these guys to be immature because they have no long-term goals, have no morals/manners whatsoever, approach women in the most disrespectful ways, you get the picture.

[Chico_brah]

So are you deeming you having bad luck as the determining factor as to why you can't find the right guy? I understand that's a variable the more likely scenario is that it has more to do with you than literally every guy you come across. That's just basic logic. It's in your best interest to do some self evaluation instead of just blaming it on luck. Who do you associate yourself with? What do your friends do? How do they come across? Where do you hang out? Ask yourself these questions. The issue can't literally be every guy you come across. That's not rational. Like I said, you need to do some self evaluation to find out the issue. Only then can you correct the issue and fix it.

[Chico_brah]

All of the frats at my university work hard and play hard. Nothing wrong with having drinks on the weekend with your friends. I've always worked hard and played hard. Yeah, some of them might be unfocused with low ambition but at the same time you need to consider that they are going to university. I'm a huge party animal when I want to do be but I'm also successful. I have more life experience than most people my age. Just because I like to get crazy and have fun in leisure time.. doesn't mean that I'm immature. Again, work hard and play hard. You just have a different perspective and enjoy your leisure time different which is completely fine.

[oddwaffle]

Simple supply and demand.

Nobody wants the jerks so there are plenty to go around due to over supply.

Every decent guy is worth hunting for any woman looking for a decent guy. They get hunted down like bargain deals for women. They are mostly taken or gay so you will have to look for one instead of waiting for one.

So you are left with hidden gems. Great guys getting overlooked because of some flaw in him. Like the 4-eye nerd who seem to spend more time with numbers than humans. Or that guy who seem to obsessed over work.

Here is my advice, gear up and find yourself the man you want. Don't sit around and wait for prince charming.

[Asker]

All the good ones are taken, right?

[Asker]

How exactly do I "find" a man? I've tried match. com and I had no luck.

[oddwaffle]

No clue. I am. not gay. I don't find man interesting.

Okay that was a joke.

What I recommend is to date as many guy as you can and get a feel of the type of guy you want.

It's like interviewing people for a job. If you just opened your business then you don't really have a clue. After 30 or so people who didn't work out then you get a feel of what type of people you want. You will instantly get the feel of someone by just talking for 30sec.

There are indicators to help you filter out the common trash and get a better chance.

#1 He has a nice job or better yet a career. Or at least working towards a good one.

#2 He doesn't boast about himself. Confident but not boasting.

#3 He takes care of himself in his own way. He might not cook but he knows where to eat. He might not be a good organizer but he can keep his dwelling clutter free.

#4 He has a down to earth plan for his life.

[Cuteguy135]

If a guy won't approach you it's either because he's too shy or he doesn't want to be with you. im guessing you are picking up confident guys who know what they want and they see a very cute/hot girl. The thing is, some guys are too shy and so they won't approach you. Im guessing these shy guys might be more of your type. The other solution is to play hard to get. I don't mean that you don't hang out or talk with them. I so mean you don't offer sex immediately. Go on a few innocent dates, really nice see if he's the right guy. If you want to figure out how he is before the date, then see how much he's flirting. Maybe you want someone with a little less flirting because it shows he's constraining himself and or respecting you. Also, intelligence can be a sign of maturity so ask him where he works, or what classes he's taking etc. If you are shy, just walk up to a guy and say hi. That's it. Any guy will love to talk to a pretty girl.

[Anticipation]

Sounds like you can have any guy you want. But the ones you are attracted to aren't responding.

I think in this case, is they are so attracted to you and you are so hot, that they are too shy to talk to you. I was pretty shy in my teens up to the age of 20. Didn't realize that I could've dated more than I did.

Maybe some of the guys you like, have noticed the ones you don't like are giving you attention and don't know it is unwanted attention.

Just be patient,, keep being friendly, maybe you can be the one to invite them for coffee or lunch.

I also wonder if you attract "bad boys" but also, do you ever find yourself secretly attracted to "bad boys",, not uncommon for hot sweet girls such as yourself.

[Dim1213]

It is probably just the kind of guys you find in that area and those are the ones that are going for you. Trying sitting with the cute shy guy at class or in the library sometimes you need to go for the guys that you like. It might also be your resting body language that signals that your closed off to the nicer kind of guys. If your closed off often the jerks are the only ones dumb enough to try with you. I know at my college every one seems closed off to talking on campus. That is just the atmosphere outside of class and in the halls. When your waiting try just relaxing and not looking on your phone. No one really goes for a girl who is busy looking at her phone.

[Dim1213]

Encase your wondering. I normally seem to just get shy girl's attention. I'd enjoy getting attention from some more outgoing girls.

[Musicgeek21]

Enviroment is a huge factor. Be yourself and be an individual dont be basic. Playboys and players like easy, basic women that they can hit and run from. Find a hobby and be passionate about what you love. Try new things and do things you dont normally do. Change things up a bit and hangout in places you've never been or rarely go to. Dont spend time in bars, clubs or other place where players are looking for their next victim. If all else fails, find a community cooking class and start cooking. Many singles who are serious about life and relationships are always trying to improve themselves plus you might learn a new dish you'll love for years to come! Hope this helps.

[Prof_Don]

You're just going through a cold streak.

One of the most important things that I tell any gal in your situation... make sure that you go places by yourself sometimes. When you are somewhere with a group, break away from the group sometimes.

Why?

Because the only type of guy that will approach a girl around her friends... are players. Because they are reckless and don't give a shit about your friends' opinions.

Most genuinely good guys like to approach 1on1.

You're be surprised how often some girls fall into the socialization trap of "a girl going somewhere is weird"... and become addicted to going places with a friend or a mob all the time!

[Anonymous]

You need a reality check...
And without further adieu here it is!

You're not that special for these men to be targeting you so don't take it personal. There are millions of girls in college like you that look good and have these men after them. Some chose to accept this bad behavior and talk to these men.
Others know better and keep it moving. I suggest you talk to better quality men if they're not seeking you. Otherwise don't complain, at least someone's trying you. If no guys were talking to you then you'd complain. If good quality had a girlfriend you'd complain.

Take action into your own hands instead of passively waiting around OK!

[Kawaiigurl1234]

You probably don't respect yourself like you think that you do. I'm currently in the same dilemma you're in. However my reason might be different from yours. But you don't have to vhange yourself to impress a guy because that whole relationship is based on a lie. It could be just bad luck right now. But your day will come sis.

[Asker]

What's your definition of self-respect? I don't dress provocatively or sleep with these guys. I leave them as soon as I figure out what kind of person they are because I know my worth. I don't flirt with them either. Like I said, they come to me.

[Kawaiigurl1234]

I understand but you just asked whether or not you should change for someone's attraction. There is some type of problem there. Unless you were joking that is

[slatyb]

You attract immature guys because there are a lot more immature guys than mature guys. Every girl attracts immature guys. Not all girls agree to go out with them, at least not more than once. Just keep your standards up and one of the mature guys will notice. And it's no crime for you to ask one of the guys you like to coffee or whatever.

[yaanis]

Well im in similar situation atracting poor quality girls, thought not dating them. Ok some were gold but, i think you can gues result xD So lets compare aples to aples. So what are your hobbies, interest's. How willing you are to do random, maybe crazy stuff?
Lets see where this leads, maybe we can figure out whats wrong with us.

[Lynx122]

Honestly I can usually say something if someone asks about something specific but you're basically asking someone to figure out your whole dating life for you with very little information XD.
I don't think I can really say anything because I don't know how to find good guys as a woman lol.

[Sasisen]

Bad luck!
Maybe your prince charming is stuck in a tree or something, go save him yeah? 😄
This should also help:
m.facebook.com/story.php

[AaronTupaz]

No don't simply become the opposite of you are now. I suggest you write down all the qualities you're looking for in a guy. Then assuming your dream guy is not some unrealistic unicorn, make another list where in this one you write all the qualities you think the guy from your first list is looking for, including where a girl like that would hang around. Then become that girl!

[UnknownXYZ]

www.court-records.net/animationgk/miles-aha(d).gif

Yep, the guys you attract are a reflection of yourself. You probably aren't the high value woman you think you are.

Getting off your high horse is always the first step; you don't sound humble at all.

[Asker]

So you're saying that I'm controlling, selfish, rude, and disrespectful? Doesn't make much sense, otherwise I would not be complaining about those things if that's what I am.
Just accept the fact that there are shitty guys out there and not every woman deserves to have those kinds of guys around them.

[UnknownXYZ]

www.court-records.net/.../miles-crossed(c).gif

"Just accept the fact..."

Makes me want to think of the reasons behind why you even asked this question.

"So you're saying that I'm controlling, selfish, rude, and disrespectful? Doesn't make much sense..."

No, that's not what I am saying. I merely ***suggesting*** "you probably aren't the high value woman you think you are." If you were, you probably would not be having this problem.

"Getting off your high horse is always the first step; you don't sound humble at all."

I was actually trying to be helpful here. You need to first stop see yourself as "superior" to all these men you deem "inferior", immediately doing this makes you less of a high value woman.

[UnknownXYZ]

www.court-records.net/.../miles-crossed(c).gif

"... not trying to sound conceited, but if you're wondering, lots of people tell me how beautiful/hot I am..."

Once again, using people's judgements on your looks is not what a high value women does. If people told you were ugly instead, would you believe them? Relying on other people's validation/opinions is not high value.

I could go on... but the fact that you aren't just attracting high value men screams that you may not be the high end girl you seem to be so sure you are.

[Listening5]

You just described yourself, in your own words, by yourself.
Why dont you have a total stranger describe you, or one of ''those'' guys. there's obviously a reason why you are attracting them. You are sending out the wrong message.
And you dont need to become the opposite of nothing, be yourself and be honest with people. Why are people so desperate they want to change themselves.

[Asker]

What could I possible be doing wrong? It's not like I put out, dress provocatively, act obnoxiously. I don't seek their attention either. They come to me.

[Listening5]

Could be your looks, the way you put yourself out there, something. a lot of times people dont know how others perceive them.

[Asker]

How could it be my looks if people bluntly tell me how beautiful/hot/sexy I am? I also dress classy and am very high-maintenance.

[Listening5]

Look I dont know you, thats why I said ask a guy to describe you or what he thinks of you.
It might not even be you, sometimes you attract the wrong people until you find the right person for you.

[TomBradysJersey]

Without knowing your situation I'm guessing the guys that you would be attracted to aren't the ones approaching you?

[Asker]

Pretty much.

[TomBradysJersey]

Do you want some insight on why?

[Asker]

Are you talking about physical attraction? Because people tell me that I'm beautiful/hot/sexy all the time.

I just can't seem to find a guy who doesn't not have any of the qualities I mentioned above.

[TomBradysJersey]

No, I'm sure you look good. I'm talking about finding the right guy for you. You see I think we could help each other out because you sound like the type of girl I want and I am definitely not the type of guy you mentioned. Do you want to know how you find the guy you mentioned?

[Asker]

How?

[TomBradysJersey]

I'm not sure if you do this already but join clubs that you are interested in. Be open to the idea of approaching a guy at like a coffee shop or something like that. Me personally I don't party also and I don't get attention by girls and I'm too shy to approach. I am in clubs and activities but dating hasn't happened. Does this make sense?

[LClark]

To be quite honest , A lot of guys are actually quite shy ! Tbh I'm in the modeling industry and a lot of people make judgements on solely my looks. Same with girls and they assume I can get any girl I want but in reality I'm sort of loner ! So next time you see a guy you find attractive reach out , you can't expect a different result doing the same things. Good luck to you !

[Williamdhie]

What kind of modeling?

[LClark]

Well I actually do all types. But I specialize in runway !

[Williamdhie]

underwear?

[LClark]

Well I have done shows for men's underwear lines before if that's what you mean ! There isn't a modeling category solely for underwear models. They do whatever they are told and getting paid to do !

[Williamdhie]

Do you have a 6 pack?

[LClark]

I'm actually not sure ! Maybe 😂 I'm tall and slim so it may look like I have one but its probably not that impressive haha

[Williamdhie]

Hit the gym and you might get hired as an underwear model

[LClark]

Tbh I wouldn't to want to go that far into it. I used to be a basketball play so I would consider myself in shape and I go to the gym 5 times a week. I'm just not huge like some people are you know?