What should I do when I like my friend's ex?

[Anonymous]

I have a crush on my friends ex. I haven't told her, and she is still his best friend although they're not together. I like him a lot. It's just that, our name has the same meaning (he has the male version of my name), we have the EXACT same hair type, hair color, face, face shape, eyes, mouth, nose, jaw, teeth, the same personality it's incredible. We're like a clone of each other. Our personalities are really similar as well. We're both shy and awkward at first but loud after getting comfortable etc.

I avoid him 24/7 because I don't want to get close to him just because he is my friends ex. I feel like I would be a shit friend if I were to get together with her ex. She has told me she doesn't have feelings for him anymore but I'm not sure if I believe her.

I don't know what to do, any advice?

[SteveSmith1985]

This is not an uncommon situation for someone under 18. You're going to be drawing from the same "pool of guys" (probably the guys you hang out with from school). It's inevitable that someone's going to end up interested in their friend's ex.

The key is to do-right by your friend. I can see that's already how you're approaching this. So what it comes down to is how your friend is doing emotionally, and whether or not they've moved-on enough to be happy to see you get together with her ex.

So it's going to depend a whole lot on how long they were together, how long ago they broke up, how/why they broke up, and how your friend feels about the whole thing (right now). I'm afraid you're the only person who can judge when exactly it would be ok to tell your friend about your feelings for her ex.

And, (I feel like you already know this but...) the first step is going to be to talk to your clone-friend about your feelings for her ex. Don't skip that step. It's important. You're essentially asking for her blessing to date her ex. As your friend, she should be happy for you (as long as you don't jump in early!)

There's nothing inherently wrong with having feeling for your friend's ex. Particularly at your age. If you keep "respect for your friends feelings" as your guiding principle, you'll figure this out. 🙂

[Asker]

Yes but the thing is that I don't know her that well, we talk but like we're not close friends so she might spread rumors about me. And the fact that she's still best friends with him seems a little suspicious to me, she maybe still likes him. But it's not the end of the world, I can move on.
I mean if I were her and I had an ex that I liked and she got in a relationship with him I would probably be sad.
For her sake I think I'm just going to move on.

[SteveSmith1985]

Oh I completely misunderstood. I assumed this girl was a good friend of yours.

I think you should absolutely NOT give up! That would be insane.

Fist of all, if this girl isn't someone you consider "a friend", then you owe her nothing in this case. It's an 'every woman for herself' situation. Everything I said ONLY applies if this girl is a friend.

I'm somebody who would end up being friends with my ex's when I was your age. In fact some of my best friends were girls who, at one point, was my girlfriend. When a couple breaks up, but stays close friends, that DOES NOT mean that there's still any romantic feelings lingering.

In fact, the ONLY way ex's can be friends, is when both people are cool with the other person 'moving on' and dating someone else. It's part of the 'understanding' when two people stay friends after dating. Otherwise, that friendship would be awful for both of them... if it kept other people from showing interest.

Their relationship is over. If they're friends, you can be especially sure that it's really over. So as long as this girl isn't walking around with a tear-stained face because she's so upset over the breakup (which she's not)... then you'd be crazy to give up for her sake!

Shit, most people have ex's. Some of them are going to be friends. THat doesn't mean all of those people are now forever undatable!

Plus, what if this poor guy likes you too! But now he misses the chance to maybe have something with you... because he happened to stay friends with his ex.

I strongly urge you to reconsider your plan to give up. Strongly. You are doing nothing wrong whatsoever by going for it. You're doing yourself (and possibly him) wrong if you give up for the reasons you talked about here. I hope you go for it 🙂

[Kinkyhubby]

Maybe try and talk to her, she maybe be OK with it , or she might not be. But you will have your answer. She may think you to will be a good fit, and happy for you both. But if you want to try and date him, then you should go and tell her. I had a friend hook up with one of my exes. I was OK with it.

[Asker]

Oh okay, but if she's not ok with it she might spread rumours about me.

[Kinkyhubby]

She might but then she really isn't. A good friend then. And then it would definitely open up to dating her ex.

[Anonymous]

Even though you are her friend don’t fall into what she tells you. You might not even know the truth. They have been intimate before right you don’t know what they talk when they are alone etc etc.
Yes you can give it a try but again we don’t know how the guy would react to it?

[Asker]

Yes I'm afraid she still likes him. Thank you for telling me.

[Dinklex3]

Be honest and have a conversation with her about it.

If they're best friends she'll probably tell him about it though.

[Asker]

Maybe I should just try to forget about it, it's not like I can't live without him.