Why is he a jerk most of the time, but then he likes to cuddle and is more talkative before and after sex?

[Anonymous]

I met this guy out of state at a pool tournament. There was an amateur and a pro tournament going on at the same time. I won’t say much about him except that he told me he’s not interested in a relationship because he’s a pro pool player (top 50 in the USA) and that means traveling the world at least 250 days a year.

That was 4 years ago and we still talk as good friends and have a lot in common outside of pool. But there’s still a lot of chemistry there now more than ever. The times we get together and finally get to see each other, it feels like magic. And he loves to cuddle after sex.

But then we go back to our lives and he’s still around he’s just more reserved and sends out a lot of hot and cold signals. But we still talk a lot. What’s that about, even though I accept it for what it is and we’re just friends with benefits, he acts weird.

I can’t ask my friends for advice. We keep it on the DL because they would probably figure out who he is since everyone I know plays pool. If my town found out, rumors would spread like wild fire and probably across the internet.

[SteveSmith1985]

It sounds like overall, he is maintaining his 'not wanting a relationship' (hence him keeping you at more of a distance after you went back to your regular lives).

But, when you were able to spend time together, he enjoyed being able to be more of (what looks more like) a boyfriend. But... only temporarily while you two had that time together. But once it was back to regular life, he cut some of that intimacy and closenes back due to still not wanting a relationship for practical reasons.

That's my guess. That would make sense to me. You guys basically have a friends with benefits situation because a relationship is not practical. Not necessarily because there isn't anything more between you two. So while you two had time together he feels free to be all cuddly and lovey-dovey. But then feels it's fair to go back to being more aloof once things are back to normal, where you already know he is not able to give you a relationship.

There may be more to this story that would change my take. I could be mistaken about one thing, or everything. But that's how I'd interpret this from what you wrote. 🙂

[Asker]

No. I’m pretty sure it is what your saying. We’re pretty cool with each other and have a good time together. We laugh and flirt and pick on each other and all that on text and in person. But we don’t talk about feelings. Neither of us does. I’ve had relationships in between and he’s known about it. He don’t care, when it’s over we go back to where it was before.

[Asker]

I just found it off putting that he started cuddling. But I don’t mind it. I like to cuddle.

[SteveSmith1985]

ok yea, if that seems to make sense to you, then it's what I was talking about. But, if you guys don't typically cuddle (in the past), and you find it offputting... you're fully on solid grounds to say something or more subtly shut-that-down. That can definietely blurr lines and get confusing so is often avoided when you're doing the friends with benefits thing.

I misunderstood. I thought you LIKED the cuddling, and were unhappy he was less that-way when things went back to normal.

[Asker]

No. I do like the cuddling. I think every woman does and that’s why guys are afraid to do it. He told me when it comes to sex he’s “comfortable” with me. I take that as, He’s probably comfortable because he knows I won’t tie him down.

[SteveSmith1985]

No... I think you're reading too much into his saying he's comfortable. He meant 'comfortable' with you, in the good way you originally took it. This is a guy acting comfortable. He's acting affectionate and let-his guard-down.

Dudes like to cuddle too, and the ones who claim they don't are liars. (every single one).
But the whole danger with the friends with benefits scenario is romantic affection creeping in which is what always fucks up such arrangements.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but what I see is: You feel a bit of whiplash because this guy can swoop-in and not only have sex, but to 'get comfortable' enough to start cuddling and being affectionate. This, to you blurrs those "friends with benefit lines" by giving a hint of something deeper (or more romantic if you prefer) he's sorta teasing you.

You get a 'pretend boyfriend' (not just a fuck buddy) for a little while. But then when things go back to normal, you either feel a sense of loss; or you see the affection he was able to show and then apparently 'turn-off' makes you question whether that affection was genuine.

Is that more or less fair?

[Asker]

Yeah. For sure. I need to walk away. It’s too good for things to change in the bedroom. I don’t want that to change but I also don’t want feelings or thoughts that are meaningless.

[Faith18letsgo]

Damn that’s tough. I guess maybe he was just taught to be a tough guy but he’s okay being vulnerable around sex because it’s such an intimate thing?

[anon1903]

He may care about you as a friend... But that's it. Otherwise you're his dildo.

[Asker]

Lol you were going for pocket pussy. He’s more like my dildo. Feelings are mutual.

[anon1903]

Hahaha that's great

[anon1903]

Don't invest too much into this relationship

[Asker]

That’s what I thought tho. Maybe we’re just more comfortable with each other’s bodies because neither of us is trying to take things to the next level.

[Asker]

Nah. I’ve dated people in between and he knows about it. I don’t invest in many relationships at all. But if a tool wants to be a tool I could use one when I’m single tbh. It beats having a bunch of one night stands. You just got that one person that your just like… hey I’m single now. Its pretty sweet.

[anon1903]

Yeah gotcha

[Anonymous]

To answer your title question... its to butter up his muffin before he stuffs it lol

[Opinion Owner]

And if he's nice after... he wants you to come back so he can keep using you

[Asker]

For sure but why? When we first met it’s wasn’t like that. It was more like one night stand vibes.

[Opinion Owner]

And it still is babe

[Asker]

Mk I thought so. Lol he thinks he’s sneaky. But i ain’t stupid.