Kind of annoyed that my friends boyfriend tacked himself onto me and my friend's vacation. Is this a red flag?

[kylee2437]

Would you consider it a red flag if a guy invited himself basically to a vacation me and my friend planned to Hawaii? She mentioned that she missed him and wish she could see him for a week straight and he basically said “well I can come to hawaii with you” I told her that he can come as long as they are respectful to the fact that I want an actual enjoyable vacation but I still find it a red flag that he intruded on something that was supposed to be a friend vacation

[BlueScorpio]

Its definitely not fair to you cause now it's made you a third wheel. It won't feel like a vacation, it will feel like two couples and a friend who's tagging along on vacation. I thinks it's kinda rude to do that especially when it was planned as a girls trip first, he shouldn't have interjected himself and the friend should of just invited him like that without consulting you first. I would honestly cancel the trip and tell them to go as a couple vacation this time around. Next time a girl trip is made let her and the boyfriend know there won't be anymore tag along or changes. If happens again don't make anymore plans with her if she can't go single moment without her boyfriend.

[DeeDeeDeVour]

Long ago, my girlfriends & I planned a vacation in Martinique.

Since our parents insisted on details, none of us kept the details of our itinerary a secret.

My boyfriend copied some of our plans and followed a few days later.

Including me, we were all initially annoyed by that move.

However, he knew how to respect our time & space.

Plus, he treated all of us to every meal & activities all the way to the last minute since he arrived.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

In my opinion it is a red flag - it's something that he wasn't invited to, and he forced himself in - not good.

It doesn't matter if he's her boyfriend or her husband - if he's not invited, he's not welcome to show up. Both my wife and I are regularly invited to events or parties where the other is not invited or not interested in partecipating - and in the first case, neither her or me dream about "tackling ourselves" in.

It's a matter of boundaries and respect.

[kylee2437]

Yeah I agree! Makes me feel like her boyfriend is going to throw off the good vibes since he inserted himself into the plan because he didn’t want to think of another plan for only the both of them. Very frustrating

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

It makes me think he either has no boundaries or doesn't trust her, which is worrying.

[kylee2437]

I think it’s both. He insinuated on bringing a friend for me without even knowing me and I literally want no parts of entertaining a man, especially a random man on my trip lol

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

That's not good. That's an alarm bell.

[kylee2437]

Unfortunately I don’t know how to bring that up to my friend lol like she isn’t suggested I would invite the guy I’m going on a date with Saturday, but like I don’t even know the guy and wouldn’t never even put that expectation on a guy that I’m not dating

[kylee2437]

She even suggested*

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

Tell her, kindly but also clearly and firmly.

[Guy13]

Yes definitely 🚩 🚩🚩🚩. Just in judgment and decision-making. And this is good behavior snd “top of your gsme” time. Both of you watch 👀 this guy from front and backside of your heads. Good luck 🍀 with it

[kylee2437]

Yeah On top of that he tried to insinuate he can invite a friend for me which I put clear boundaries on with a no because I don’t want to have to entertain a guy while trying to enjoy my stay.

[Guy13]

Yeah, a 16 year old knows better than that. I'm going to pick-up my buddy because he wants to see the movie too. Where did you find this one?

[kylee2437]

Ask my friend that question lol I’m just trying to enjoy my vacation

[Guy13]

alright... enjoy !!

[slatyb]

I would be annoyed too. You expected a vacation with her, instead she made you the third wheel.

But then: "I told her that he can come..." So you said yes, and now you are mad at them for asking? If you didn't want him to come, you should have said so.

[kylee2437]

I don’t care that I’m not a third wheel, I care about the fact that it definitely looks like a red flag that he intruded

[kylee2437]

I’m a third wheel***

[Friendlybro79]

I understand you think it looks like something that he ASKED. He didn't intrude. Intrude would be him coming after being to no or not asking and just showing. She asked for him. He didn't assume and just come.

If you're both adults be more upfront next time and just tell your friend how you feel.

[kylee2437]

@Friendlybro79 but she asked only because her boyfriend suggested the idea in the first place. He’s only been dating her for like a month also

[Friendlybro79]

I understand your upset about this so I'm not trying to be a jerk but suggesting is not intruding and you ok'd it. Be mad at your friend for not being able to read your mind and mad at yourself for not saying what you wanted to say.

[kylee2437]

@Friendlybro79 so this is a situation where it’s the principle of things and the fact that her boyfriend suggested the idea as a way to not create his own date with her in my opinion. It’s not that I didn’t want him to come and what not. I can always explore alone and it’s not my first time being in a situation where if I didn’t like the vibe with someone I explored alone lol it’s more like it’s concerning that he’s not even a long term boyfriend inserting himself into plans that she clearly stated was for her and her friend.

[Friendlybro79]

All which you signed off on. Maybe you're too concerned with your friends decisions. She clearly missing him suggests she is happy unless she is lying to him and suggesting something different to you privately. Again all of which you could have stressed your concerns prior to saying yes to her and him going. My suggestion since your asking people of this is a red flag is possibly yes and possibly no. Red flag for what that he's excited to have a new girlfriend and maybe he likes you as her friend. Or was he clueless for not realizing this was supposed to be a girl's trip and she was too dumb to not realize you just wanted the girls trip? Red flag is usually inserted for like he's possibly doing something really bad. Learn from this and next time be more honest with your friend when in a similar situation. You didn't want him to come, you said yes, and should have said no. If you're really concerned he's red flagging truly bad behavior making him bad for your friend then tell her not us.

[kylee2437]

@Friendlybro79 so he doesn’t even know me lol but also once again, idc if he comes because I am the type to be able to adventure alone if I don’t like the scenario, it’s more of the fact that I’m concerned as to why he felt the need to insert himself into a plan that is in a month and a half from now instead in exchange for her saying “I miss you, I wish you could stay at my house for a week” like I feel like his reply should’ve been him making separate plans for them two only.

[Friendlybro79]

So him asking to come is upsetting you not actually the fact that he's going. If you don't care he's coming then just tell her about your concerns now because what your last sentence feels like is that you don't want him to come. So either tell her or stop complaining lol.

[kylee2437]

@Friendlybro79 once again it has nothing to do with the actual fact that he’s coming lol it has to do with the fact that he butted into plans that were made before he even existed as boyfriend to make up for the fact that he hasn’t been seeing her enough

[kylee2437]

As a boyfriend *

[Friendlybro79]

I acknowledged that it's not about him actually coming. It sounds like you don't mean that but that's just how I'm reading your replies. Again you're stuck in trying to explain yourself here when you should be telling all this to your friend. You're a original ask was would you consider this a red flag. We can't tell his intentions from only this one instance. You have the advantage of knowing how your friend brought this to you meaning how she told you. There's nuances there we can't see and feel that you haven't described to us. Go and talk to your friend and let her know your concerns. You've gone in a loop here and you're never going to get a real answer from us because she's the only one that can advise you on if she thinks it's a red flag. She should be in that conversation not us because it possibly affects her if he is not a good egg.

[kylee2437]

@Friendlybro79 you haven’t given any room for me to explain because you are stuck on me being mad about him coming lol this isn’t her first time in a potentially abusive relationship

[Friendlybro79]

I'm not stuck on anything I've acknowledged what you've said but you had plenty of opportunity to update your question or explain here background about your friend. I hope this all works out for you and your friend. I still recommend a conversation with your friend. Check in with her that's your best bet since you don't mind he's coming and are more concerned about her being in a bad relationship.

[MementoMori777]

Well from a dudes perspective, he is probably tagging along to make sure his girl isn't going to have too much fun on the vacation, either that or he doesn't want other guys to want to have fun with his girl, either ways he is just being a dude, as long as he pays for his own shit I don't think there should be a problem right?

[kylee2437]

Yeah but that’s trust issues in a nutshell and it shouldn’t be like that. Especially when I literally want no male attention lol I just want to be in a different environment to reground myself

[MementoMori777]

You don't know what issues they have in their relationship behind closed doors, maybe one has cheated before or shown signs of them, either ways if your friend is fine with it then that's his normal behavior right? I understand the male attention stuff, I'm sure you get enough so I can understand why you'd want to avoid it but you can't, the only difference you are making is that you'll have Hawaiian dudes attention 🤣

[kylee2437]

😭 it’s just different - I can reject a Hawaiian man and he can move with his day meanwhile having a guy accompany me and having expectations for the experience is just exactly what I don’t want. Her and her man have been dating for like less than a month so that’s why I just think it’s a super red flag. Maybe his intentions are good , maybe he can add some flavor to the vacation since he’s adventurous but I still think it’s kind of eh

[MementoMori777]

Well I'm not trying to make this guy look like a Saint now, I don't know his intentions, I'm lowkey just trying to make you feel better, unless you prefer the advice where I tell you to be cautious that this guy could be like a rapist or something, I do see your point tho, I'm sure you want to have girl talk and stuff without some dude all 👀👀👀 in your shit, you can invite one more female friend and when the couple gets all smoochy and shit you can go wonder off with the other friend and catch up with the other two later

[kylee2437]

No I understand lol it’s just super weird that instead of making his own plans to maybe adjust a small get together for them two only - he tacked himself onto a plan that she was supposed to enjoy with a friend. Like I get the romance in hawaii situation is a vibe to many people but they have been dating for such little time for him to intrude. I still said he can come but it’s just something I feel off about

[MementoMori777]

Well if I put myself in his shoes and I was going to hang out with my guy friends and one of their gfs wanted to come then it would make the vibes somewhat uncomfortable, I always tell everyone to follow their gut instinct, is there a way you can get a separate room? If so I'd say take that opportunity, I can't imagine the uncomfortable feeling being in the same room with basically a stranger, you can also try telling your friend how you feel but that can go south depending on how she reacts, this problem of yours seems small but unavoidable lol

[MementoMori777]

Your shoes not his shoes*

[kylee2437]

I’ll just drop kick him if he try’s anything with me lol but it’s more of the point of why is he so corny to the point where he needed to tack onto our plans instead of creating his own to show care towards her missing him. Ugh 😩

[MementoMori777]

You'll probably have a better time then you think, I'm sure after a few coconuts with pineapples and doing some Hawaiian Honolulu dancing and stuff, you'll feel better, let's not forget the fire flipping stuff, if I'm correct they have that as well, who knows maybe he will be effected more by the trip than the two of you, not to mention if he messes up somehow (God forbid) y'all can leave his ass in Hawaii, or drop kick him, whatever you are in the mood for, I would recommend not to catch a charge in Hawaii tho if it's not necessary.

[LovingLoverReturned]

He's just trying to make her happy because she said she missed him. He also said "he can come" and you had your input, giving permission. I don't see any force here nor any red flags.

But maybe you think of it from the point of why didn't he plan his own vacay with her? Maybe because now is when she said it and he thibk she can't conveniently do two vacations in a row, as it is time and money..

[melanieeeB]

It could be annoying but I don't see it as a red flag when it happens once or with innocent intentions... like the boyfriend of a friend of mine also wants to hangout with us most of the time and both are like friends in public and he isn't a controlling person and just an extrovert but I would see it as a red flag when he just wanted to come with you two for controlling and distrust issues

[Ms_Facesitter]

Red flag to me. An indication that he doesn't trust me.

[kylee2437]

Agreed!

[Lis-the-librarian]

Going to or wanting to go to hawaii or any other such place without your partner is a red flag.

We all know what happens there and especially for pretty ladies, all the attention and what else.

Great place for singles not for people with partners at home.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't trust my significant other going off on vacation without me either unless they are with family. Ever heard of brokeback mountain or wild things? You can’t trust that they are not getting it on with the same sex, much less the opposite

[kylee2437]

We are grown adults lol if he can’t trust her, that’s not my problem. His trust issues shouldn’t be projected onto me when I’m there to have a good time exploring a different state

[Danny_dan92]

Third wheeling could be annoying.




If this really is an issue for you. Tell your friend that you wanted it to be a trip with just you and her.




If he goes you’re out and it becomes a vacation for them as a couple

[kylee2437]

I’ll just vacation on my own if they aren’t a vibe I want lol I’m not stopping myself from a once in a life time vacation because my friend doesn’t know how to place boundaries when it comes to dating

[Anonymous]

your friend is rude for letting him join, her boyfriend is rude for even nudging himself in there. i'd honestly just stop being friends with her. she'll eventually distance herself away from you anyways because she has a boyfriend now

[kylee2437]

Yeah I’m going to see how this trip goes and then go from there. I can always handle doing things in a different state on my own if I don’t like the vibe of the vacation with her

[spartan55]

Should have just said no... wtf. You will be the third left foot that entire trip. A dipshit like that is a nightmare to vacation with... enjoy!

[kylee2437]

I’m the kind of person that can rock alone if the vibe isn’t there, that’s why I’m not worried lol I’m just worried about the kind of guy he is for her

[annabananna]

I don’t know if it’s a red flag because I wasn’t there when the conversation happened but that’s more of your friend to decide if it’s a flag for her not you. She probably wanted him there too otherwise she would have said this is just a girls trip.

[Dinklex3]

Were you there for that conversation?

Sounds like she invited him to me 🤔

[kylee2437]

It was a convo by text, but her boyfriend basically said “I can come to hawaii” in exchange for her saying “I miss you , I wish you can come over my house and stay for a week” he kind of inserted himself into the situation even though I said yes out of being nice

[Dinklex3]

I don't think he had any ill intent. He probably took her saying that as an invitation. I feel like if your friend didn't want him there then she would have set that boundary herself instead of asking if you were okay with it.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

So he made a suggestion to her, she asked you, and you said okay. You realise you could've just said "no" right?

[kylee2437]

I said yes out of being nice, but it’s the concept. He inserted himself into plans. I mean who seriously invites themselves instead of waits to be invited?

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

Well, try not being nice. Try being honest instead.

[kylee2437]

It’s not the fact that I mind him coming, it’s the principal of him inserting himself.

[Surely]

Wouldn’t call it a red flag. But I would certainly be annoyed by her allowing what she did. If there is ever a next time. I would certainly speak my peace and make sure that this doesn’t repeat itself.

[Twalli]

He didn't tack himself on, exactly. Her statement of missing him was almost an indirect invitation. If you didn't want him to come, you should have said you'd prefer it if he didn't.

[kylee2437]

It wasn’t though because the hawaii trip has nothing to do with her missing him lol it was a random insertion of himself because she said she missed him. They live in two separate states

[exitseven]

You will be kept up all night with all the screaming and the head board banging against the wall. Doesn;t seem like a good vacation to me.

[Vegasrunner]

TBH it's pretty smart of him. Guys shouldn't let the girl their dating go on a girl's trip w/out him. I think the choice should probably be either break up or let me come with.

[Anonymous]

A red flag for what? Your friend wanted to enjoy some deep dicking while in Hawaii. What part of that is surprising? Seems pretty normal to me to be honest.

[kylee2437]

Because he invited himself to a vacation that was planned before she even knew he existed

[Opinion Owner]

So it's a red flag for what exactly?

[kylee2437]

That he inserted himself into a plan instead of coming up with something for her and him to do.

[Opinion Owner]

So you think it's a red flag for their relationship? Sounds like she enjoyed having him there to play with.

[kylee2437]

It’s a red flag that the one thing she is going out and doing with her friend is being intruded by her dating life.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, but if SHE welcomed it, it's all good! How much time did they spend in their room on this trip? Or has it not happened yet?

[Shamalien]

If my girlfriend was going on vacay with a girl like you I’d be worried too 😂

[kylee2437]

Lmao except I’m talking to someone and giving him full respect during the vacation

[Brando10222]

You agreed with it so not a red flag

[kylee2437]

Yes I agreed to be nice , but that doesn’t change the principal

[Brando10222]

If you had said no and he came than it's red flag cause its rude. Otherwise its not. You literally gave the permission to come if he wants to

[kylee2437]

Yes I gave permission to be nice once again, but again it’s the principal of things.

[Kelly6]

does not sound like red flag

[Anonymous]

🤣🤣🤣 Somebody' jelly!

[kylee2437]

I’m not jelly lol I can invite a guy if I wanted to and he said he could bring a friend if he wanted to- I just don’t want that kind of vibe during my vacation.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, because you want it to be just you and your friend, not a third wheel. Now he'll probably have her attention a lot and that angers you, in paradise no less reminding you that you are alone. As I said, JELLY.🤣🤣🤣

[kylee2437]

It has nothing to do with that lol it has to do with the fact that I don’t know him and don’t want him to ruin a potential good time , plus I think it’s super corny to intrude on your girlfriends plans with her friends because he didn’t want to plan out something for them

[kylee2437]

Why would I be jealous when her boyfriend offered to bring a friend too? I just don’t want the responsibility of entertaining a man on the trip

[Farmerboy2]

Yeah not cool. I’d be pissed.

[thegooglepixelfan]

Yes bit rude.