How do I end the cycle?

[Anonymous]

My ex and I have been doing this run around circle with each other and I don’t know what to do. We dated for 1.5 years and for the past 4 years we’ve been friends with benefits but there’s definitely feelings there. We live in different city’s but not far and travel back and forth often. This past time everything was going great until I saw him texting some girl. I shut down and got sad and he comforted me, held my hand and cuddled me. He said cause he was single which is right but seeing it hurt so much.
I am now just sitting here hating myself for how I responded to the situation. Also thinking about how long he’s known her, where did they meet, etc.
Every few weeks this will happen. We’ll talk and everything is great (hooking up and hanging out) until something happens and it’s not. I get sad and then we don’t talk for a while and it starts again.
He said it’s hard that we live in different cities and that he does like me. I’m moving to the city he lives in in about 5 months.
How do I get out of this cycle? I don’t want to lose him but I’m hurting and I can’t keep doing this.
How do I un-fall out of love with someone?

[ShiftingMonke]

It seems you've both found comfort in your mutual rut. You don't mention any other romantic interests on your end, so it would seem you're comfortable being in what's essentially a one sided open relationship. He gets all the benefits of you, without the commitment. Giving you the attentions and comforts he knows you like, in order to keep you coming back. It is manipulation, but you're fine with it emotionally as long a he's not seeing anyone else: but he is. He's moved on emotionally, and just using you as a plan b in case another woman falls through.

You fall out of love with someone when you realize they're no longer the same person you once fell in love with, and a person cannot love you when they can so easily break your heart with a smile on their face, justifying it with "but we aren't official". That's just straight up gaslight manipulation. But how to do it? Break off contact. Block and delete him from everything. If you are moving to his city to be with him, change your plans. You don't have to be stuck with him. It's highly likely that if you were to move there, even if he promised to give you another shot and also stop talking to other women, he won't. Clearly he doesn't respect you and once in his city, you are going to be forced to play by his rules. Distance yourself while you can before it's too late.

[Asker]

Holy crap….. your response just stabbed me in the heart! You’re so right even though I don’t want to admit it to myself. I feel like at this point I’m not respecting myself and keep thinking it’s “fate” that brings us back together but it’s not. It’s him using me. That hurts. Im so mad at myself for going back time and time again and still getting the same results. Thank you so much for responding to this. I haven’t had anyone to talk to about this and I’ve been hurting a lot.

[ShiftingMonke]

I promise, I didn't mean any of it to hurt you, but thats just how I see it. I'm sorry to hear you're hurting, but now you know what's truly going on. And you can change it, stop it, all of it.

Imagine you've spent the past 5 years drinking a nasty juice, hating the flavor and smell but comforted by the repetition of having the same thing every day. You can't quite get used to the way it upsets your stomach, or the way you're sick for an hour after each swig. You do it because it's what you've done.
One day, someone points to the side of the bottle and shows you that it says "poison". You never noticed it before but now it makes sense that you hated it, all of the sickness and unpleasantness is explained fully. You may feel saddened or embarrassed at the oversight, but you're left with one of two options:
• you can keep drinking it. I mean, it may be poison, but you're used to it, right? And it hasn't killed you yet, surely you may even grow to like it in time. However, if you go this route, you cannot pretend anymore. The veil is lifted and you are consenting to all the negative effects with the additional knowledge that you don't need to suffer, but you're choosing to suffer. And that may be a bitterness worse than the poison itself.

• you can throw the poison away. You've had your fill, a lifetimes worth, and you don't want to taste it ever again- but if you ever try something new, you KNOW what that flavor is like, and at the first hint of it you can quit drinking that too. Its never too late to end the cycle.

You are cursed with knowledge, and how you use or apply it is entirely up to you.

Again, I apologize for speaking so bluntly but I do sincerely hope that things get better for you.

[Anonymous]

I mean. The only thing that can work is if you deliberately make the decision for yourself. You tell him you can't keep doing it. You tell him to leave you alone. To respect your decision. You cut him off from everything. You stick to your decision no matter how hard it might feel at first. Your future self will thank you. I believe you can only do this if you respect yourself enough and value yourself enough to believe you deserve better.

[Opinion Owner]

I can bet the second he meets a girl he seriously likes and cares about, you’re out of his life for good and he won't look back. Do you wanna wait for this to happen?

[Pterodon]

It’ll never change so you have a decision