Are you scared of falling in love?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

That’s me right there.

I am not scared of falling in love, I think I am scared of not being good enough to be loved the way I want.

Because of that I always run away from potential romances.

[Still-alive]

Sounds like you got whats called an avoidant attachment style:

here's a brief summary on that:

“Being in a relationship with an avoidant partner is not simple, although an avoidant attacher will engage in relationships, they don’t really allow the other person “in.” They tend to erect personal walls or boundaries to avoid intimacy and emotional closeness with others – which prevents the development of fulfilling and deep relationships.

Furthermore, once a romantic relationship starts to evolve into a more meaningful connection, someone with an avoidant partner typically closes themselves off and pulls back from the other person. Such individuals may even look for petty reasons to end a relationship – such as a partner’s inconsequential actions, appearance, or slightly annoying habits.”

https://www.attachmentproject.com/avoidant-attachment-relationships/

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I do really have anxious-avoidant attachment.

[Still-alive]

yes. good news is you can improve yourself to become more secure and choose the better partners for yourself.

I'm the anxious attachment style myself. im the type where if i feel like they are pulling away from me i tend to pursue or chase them harder. and that in itself tends to push them away further.

but knowledge is power. once i learned this i can seek ways to avoid falling into the same traps in the future. you can do so too

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Yep, that’s the reason I and my ex fiance broke up, he was avoidant, I was anxious avoidant, when he started avoiding, I started “chasing”, making him go farther and farther. He liked it more when I was the one who was avoidant, at that time he tended to become anxious and I was good at comforting him and making him sure I loved him, but when I became anxious, he didn’t like.

[Still-alive]

Anxious types and avoidant types seem to be a common matchup actually. this video sums up something called the 'Anxious-Avoidant trap' where the more the anxious person pursues the further they push the avoidant person away. then when the anxious person pulls back the avoidant person pursues again.

its like this weird dance between these two types lol. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vv2T9Z7Hg2s

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

We were a good match haha.

When we walked together, gosh, everyone stared.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I know it has nothing to do with attachment, but we had the similar aura, we kind of fit each other really well.

I really loved him, a lot.

[Still-alive]

how long has it been since the breakup?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

7 months, he broke up with me. We were together for 3.3 years. I was a very good girlfriend. His love brought out the best qualities in me, But I think he always liked my bad self more.

[Still-alive]

hmmm if he tried contacting you again to rekindle things would you go for it?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

He hurt me and betrayed me.

I don’t know anymore.

But I loved him too much to know the answer. I hope he never comes back, because that would unsettle me.

I don’t think he will ever come back, he’s too stubborn and already in a new relationship.

[Still-alive]

well that relationship could just be a rebound you know.

i bet once that ends he may try to come back to you. so just be aware of that. im already getting that vibe from him lol. he might think you're a sure thing he can just go back to whenever.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I wish… But I have doubts maybe she’s the reason he broke up with me.

He swears it’s not so, but don’t believe anything anymore.

How do you get those vibes though? Haha

[Still-alive]

I dunno just the way you described him here just makes me think he's the type to put a girl on the backburner jic other relationships fail for him.

[dynamicyandere]

You’re good enough to be loved the way that you want.



Not only because you’re a good person, but because the kind of love that you want is that strong unconditional love, right?


If you want to find someone who will love you that way, he’ll love you intensely not because you have to earn every time, but because he chose you, and because he truly loves you.


True love doesn’t keep score. True love just loves.


Like a child doesn’t need to “deserve” to be loved by their mother in order for their mother to want to love them.


In the same way, a significant other that truly loves you will not keep looking for why you should or shouldn’t be loved.


They will love you because you matter to them.

[AsaKyo]

More like I'm scared of being treated like shit again lmao

[SlothySlob]

You need to realize that every person loves in a different way.
Some people would shower you with gifts, some would shower you with attention, some would show their love by being there for you.
You may not be enough for some, but you're more than enough and more to others.
I also recommend to temper your expectations, you will never get exactly what you want in life. But judging from the limited interactions I had with you I'd wager you already know that.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

The scary thing is that I was loved the way that I thought and still think to be nearly perfect and still, that person in the end - left.

I don’t know how else and who else can love me more than he loved me and he still left. Who else can love me better?

I was his first love, his first woman, his first girlfriend, first fiancée, he still left.

[SlothySlob]

And why did he leave?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I always thought I’d be the one who’d leave him, cause I never doubted his love to me. He just loved me so hard, so deeply. I was nowhere as good as he was to me.

Because of that I felt responsible not to hurt him ever and I promised him I’d never hurt him and I’d always love him as long as he loved me.

However, to my surprise, he fell out of love first.

[SlothySlob]

What about the lockdowns that you mentioned last time?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

We were together for a year, lived together for over 6 months, one day - I went on a 3 week trip back to my country to renew my visa and see my family, he was crying that day in the airport, cause he thought it would be so hard for him to live 3 weeks without me.

Then His country, China suddenly locked itself down, we were long distance for over 2 years, because China wouldn’t let me in the country and he couldn’t leave and go back either.

He tried coming to me and getting me back to him but failed.

In the end he gave up, fell out of love, broke up with me and now is happy in a new relationship.

[SlothySlob]

You do realize he was miserable without you next to him. I'd wager he's just one of those people who can't do long distance relationship.
Or maybe his family pressured him to move on.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I, however, found it very hard to betray my love to him.

It was always him who loved me more.

But the day I promised him not to hurt him ever, that day I promised myself to be loyal to him no matter what, to love him no matter what.

It was hard for me as well, but leaving him was never an option for me. I would never leave him. Doesn’t matter how many opportunities presented.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

His family is still in touch with me.

Yes, he hated long distance. I, too hated it. But… I endured it because I loved him.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

He was miserable without me there and I was also suffering…

But we promised each other to wait.

After his repeated failed attempts to come to me, He said if he couldn’t manage to come to me, he’d wait as long as it would take. He promised and vowed he loved me and would wait doesn’t matter how long.

I promised him, I’d do everything and I’d go there to him, as long as I knew he waited.

I did it. I am in China now. But we broke up 3 months before I came back and he was already out of love at that time.

[SlothySlob]

No more excuses cowgirl, it's time to move on. You have to close this chapter in your life.
You need to go through these 5 stages of grief.
I'm sending you a virtual slap your way, you need to come back to reality.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

It’s hard to close, I quit my law career to come to him, I went all in, to save this relationship.

He just decided to give up.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

His life though is going perfectly smoothly, I supported him in every step of his career, thanks to that he is quite successful now.

When I met him, he believed he was a loser and would never succeed。

I gave him my all, everything I could, all the way I could love, I did it, he got everything and left in the end.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

How is that fair?

What does it make you think about “love”, would you like to try that again, if you’ve experienced something like this?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I was a nearly perfect girlfriend, really, I guess it was too much though, you shouldn’t love someone that unconditionally, nor should you sacrifice yourself to build and strengthen someone else.

[SlothySlob]

Please stop making me jealous of him. Of what he had.
I know it's hard to let go of someone you loved so deeply, God that one embarrassing memory.
Everyone moved on from this relationship, you can't allow yourself to stay in the past while everything is moving on.
Please listen to reason woman, do it for your self so you may exit this self made hell.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

why would you be jealous 😂

I think I am almost recovered from the break up.

3 months ago, I couldn’t get out of the bed, now I am living my life and only think of him when someone else’s shoulders don’t match up to his shoulders hahaha

I hope that thought will also disappear 2-3 months from now.

[SlothySlob]

Why wouldn't I be jealous? Having someone who loves you that deeply... I'm gonna go cry now.

I just hope you get over him quick. I find it concerning when people don't view others as themselves but a checklist for a replacement. The broad shoulders thing I get, it's a preference thing. But a requirement to have people love you like your ex did... they'd be constantly compared to someone you said you're over them.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I wish he appreciated that too.

After break up, he said I would always be the love of his life and his first and biggest love, because of how much I loved him, he would someday regret leaving me.

But at that day, he wanted to choose his happiness and start from the new chapter.

That’s his choice, so don’t be jealous, even he had it, he didn’t want it anymore. I do selfishly wish that he really regrets it someday but that doesn’t matter to me either.

You’re probably right, things that he has done for me and the love that he showed me, that will be really hard to match, because when he loved, he loved me as hard as I did and I don’t think I’ll ever meet someone whose love to me will melt my heart the way his love did. He did things for me that I’ve only seen in movies. He set a very high bar.

[SlothySlob]

That's why I'm telling you to stop... well not comparing, but demanding? that other men love you the same way he did. Like I said, everyone loves in their own unique way.

It'll be some time till I stop being jealous of what you two had, because I've yet to be in a position where I'm even given the chance to be so passionate about the other person.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Do I sound that demanding? haha

And yep. Hope you’ll experience that someday.

As my brother says, it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

[SlothySlob]

Maybe it's just me, but in some weird sense, yes.
Look I see it this way, if I were to love you, you wouldn't accept it in it's raw form, and just enjoying / appreciating it as is.
You'd take it, and try to push it through an ex shaped hole. If it doesn't fit perfectly you just toss it. Not only would you setting me up for failure, you'd be setting yourself to disappointment and mutual hurting.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Depends how you would love me hahaha

[SlothySlob]

Well, yeah, but I'd need to be your ex to be "good enough".

[serious]

For me there is nothing like falling in love. Believe it or not. For me love is a choice, it is a decision that I make.

Hence I am not afraid of this but yes I am afraid one day a woman might love me so much so that I would mean the world to her but she would have her heart broken because my decision is to stay single for life.

Of course this has not happened yet but I fear one day this might happen.

[Bklynbadboy12]

Why would you be afraid of that not only are yo7 good enough yo be loved you deserve it you're a real sweetheart

[NathanDavis]

no... I have not had any reasons to be afraid of it

[Alex8736]

it's better to have loved and lost than spending the rest of your life with a Psycho

[Anonymous]

no just scared of being cheated on again and abused again

[Quackthulu2]

Nah, just not interested in it.

[Hellraiser1984]

That's my whole problem.

[msc545]

No, we are scared of falling out of love.

[NostalgiaSenpi]

I never was.

[In_Trance]

not at all

[EaterPeter]

Yes.