Why do some people say don’t date for looks when they still matter?

[Anonymous]

For me, no matter how shallow it sounds, looks matter to me regardless. Looks matter, they’re just not everything that matter just as there’s more to a book than just the cover. It’s total BS for looks not to matter at all.

As it is if a woman doesn’t like what I want in her, she can dump me.

[Anonymous]

I think a big issue is that, especially now with online dating and social media, many people have the ideology that only attractive people are date-worthy. We only swipe right on people who look good. We are more likely to be attracted to people online by the quality of their photos. We tend to be softer on people who are physically attractive. But for anyone who has real world dating/relationship experience, we recognize that most of the time we are attracted to people based on energies and compatibility rather than looks.

In my personal experiences, the men I've been heavily attracted to are not seen as attractive from the media's POV. And when I have had dates with people who were socially-attractive, there was no attraction in person for me. So I do recognize that even if a man isn't stereotypically attractive, I can still have or build attraction for them. Maybe they don't have a perfect body or a perfect face but I could fall in love with their smile or the way they hold me or the way they make me feel.

Another aspect is that many people who are seen as attractive by the majority are typically not great partners. It's easy to hide negative qualities behind physical looks because "it doesn't matter what they're like/do if they're pretty". Pretty privilege is very much a thing for any gender.

To combat the idea that you have to be physically attractive to get a partner, we tell people not to date based on looks. We try to encourage each other to get to know someone on a personal level from multiple experiences because that's the only way to truly know if you're attracted to them. So yes, physical looks do matter to a certain extent. Being physically attracted to someone is just as important as emotional attraction. However, we should not expect to find someone compatible if we're only looking for that physical attraction. Therefore, don't date based on looks, date based on compatibility and in-person attraction.

[WaterIsland]

There is a huge difference between “dating for looks” and what you’re saying. “Dating for looks” implies the reason you’re dating someone is looks. Which, I guess good for you. That’s pretty awful tho.


For me. Looks do matter. But I don’t date for looks. I want someone who takes care of themselves, and prioritizes their well being and appearance. But that is more about personality in my opinion than appearance.


Personality will always matter to me more. Looks can fade overtime. Personality, is a choice if it fades.

[Asker]

Looks matter to me.

A ugly face destroys a good personality for me.

[serious]

That is just a white lie. Looks do matter, physical attraction, appeal these things do matter. However, it is subjective as to how much importance is given to it. Some people give more importance to this while some give less importance. That depends.

Going entirely based on physical looks and attractiveness and ignoring all the other aspects is an indication of shallow mentality.

[TrillXHippy]

Looks do matter and I should know that better than anybody. I’m an example of why looks do and will forever matter

[RavVid]

Looks matter because if you don't want to bang them you may as well date your sister (assuming you no intention of banging your sister).

[Anonymous]

They matter, just not to the extent that people have been brainwashed into believing.

[WaterIsland]

Exactly. I’d prefer to date someone with average looks and an amazing personality. Than someone with amazing looks and an average personality.

[BarryLiverstone]

Because you should only date for looks

[WaterIsland]

What happens when you’re married and 90 years old? You gonna divorce that person because they aged really poorly and now look ugly?

If so, you must be an absolute joy to spend time with… give me a break…

[BarryLiverstone]

Huh? I said only date someone you find attractive initially. Why would you ask someone out that you think is ugly?

[WaterIsland]

The “initially” part I don’t think you made clear.

I don’t think you should date someone you find ugly. That already starts the relationship off on a negative footing.

That being said. I think a lot of people’s expectations are simply too high. Too much focus has been placed on initial appearances instead of personality.

Social media and swipe dating app culture has caused people to prioritize looks over personality.

People should always give someone you find moderately attractive or average a chance. Might be surprised.

I’d be more attracted to someone with an average appearance and amazing personality than someone with an average personality and amazing appearance.

Doesn’t mean they have to be ugly. But there is a balance there that I think a lot of society tend to shift more towards appearance over personality. Which is sad.