If "looks don't matter," then why is dating harder for those considered to be unattractive?

Question

*Disclaimer: I use the term unattractive very loosely as it's hard to define what someone considers to be attractive or not. For the sake of this question, let's assume you do not see yourself as an attractive, highly sought after person-

Question that randomly crossed my mind this morning as I'm working out, haha. But humor me: you always hear people say when they're looking for a partner, "looks don't matter!" as they then go after someone that's highly attractive.

If looks really don't matter, then why do people that are considered unattractive have a difficult time finding partners? Assume they're putting in full effort to pursue a relationship and still have little to no luck.

Curious for others input on the matter

If looks dont matter, then why is dating harder for those considered to be unattractive?

Dennisnky · Accepted Answer

Okay so here's my theory, based on personal experience and some things I've read. First, some people who spend a lot of time together either in a friend group or work, or like neighbors at an apartment complex, can end up being attracted to each other over a long time, even if there was no initial physical attraction. This is totally normal. And, a couple people who had extreme physical attraction can be completely uninterested over time. So, it seems that looks are a little bit of a bait kind of thing. Like we have evolved to be attracted to someone who is strong/healthy, symmetrical features, to expect they are just a good biological specimen, but that is more of a primal drive to attraction. Since our brains are more developed than that, as we get to know someone, their integrity, their sense of humor, their ambition, their knowledge, their nurturing qualities, are characteristics that we know--consciously and subconsciously--will make them a good parent, a good provider, and able to maintain a social group that can help you 'succeed' in life, as far as survival, and keeping your kids safe. So, I think there is some minimum physical acceptable appearance just to have the chance to get to know someone in the first place, and then those other 'personality' characteristics drive the attraction up or down from there. So the hard part for men is, they look shallow because their shallowness is shown in their initial appearance attraction. Women's shallowness is a little more subtle--they see someone who is rich or powerful, and the money and power is what is attractive but women can present that as ambitious and fun, which you can call 'personality' and sort of are and sort of aren't. Like if someone had the capability of having tons of friends, but chose to be a loner, they would not be as attractive to a mainstream group of girls, in my opinion. The other thing, is, people do worry about being judged by their peers. I remember long ago going out with someone who was the first girl who was on the bigger side, and she was a blast and fun and we laughed so hard all the time, and had a great time 'behind closed doors' but when I took her out around people I knew, I remember thinking they were going to be making judgments about her size behind my back, like oh look he's lame he has to settle for a girl like that. I know, AWFUL, but I'm just being honest about how I felt at the time. I generally never care what people think, but for whatever, that thought existed. So, if someone is 'ugly' from a mainstream point of view, they should really get as active socially as possible. Guys should try and develop a huge friends base, to kind of get that 'popular/power' checkbox, and Women should just make sure to talk to a lot of guys a lot of times in a platonic way, to allow their personality to do the heavy lifting. But if some time goes by and no interest seems to develop with someone they are spending time with as friends, then MOVE ON, don't beat a dead horse. And also, if you withhold sex that shows you have the self control and self esteem to choose your moral compass over temptation. So that is an important test to pass if you want someone to eventually develop some attraction.

caring__1 · Accepted Answer

Everything matters when it comes to choosing a partner, though people may prioritize different aspects differently. I may not be the typical guy, but I shy away from women who focus too much energy on becoming something they're not. I prefer women who put forth a legitimate effort to make the most of what already exists rather than attempt to mold themselves into whatever ideal society may be promoting at the moment.

Our metabolism changes as we get older, as our caloric requirements decline as we slow down. Just because we used to eat this much doesn't mean we continue to need to eat this much. If I still ate like I did as a teenager, I wouldn't be able to fit through doorways. It's not about being entitled to comfort foods; it's about becoming aware of the cost of our choices.

Hiding behind fancy hair, makeup, nails and clothing is seen by me as what people do to overcompensate for their insecurities, by pretending to be someone different than the insecure person they believe themselves to be. I find women to be more real and natural and attractive when they learn to be proud of making the most of their already existing true assets rather than attempting to become something they're not.

Cats don't become something better when you dress them up to look like dogs. For every type of person, there are people who are drawn to that type of person. Let people discover you as you are rather than use bait and switch methods to attract potential partners... knowing what you're offering will not continue after the fish is caught.

People would be much more satisfied with dating experiences if they were clear, open and honest from the start. Yes, this can lead to limiting our options, but the options that remain will be closer to what works for us. People tend to be vague and general, expecting others to read their minds and know who they are and what they seek. When they are clear about what they seek, it is generally handouts they feel entitled to receive. Women are more likely to declare their entitlements in their dating profiles than clearly define what they bring to the relationship.

I would love to find the partner of my dreams, but I find the ideals promoted by society to be a turnoff. It is very hard to find women who have the qualities I value and still have any self esteem. I would love to see society promoting individuality and uniqueness rather than conformity. That way, we'd be nurturing a society of confident people who believe in themselves rather than the insecure masses drowning in self-doubt we seem to be creating and nurturing.

XHopelessRomanticX · Accepted Answer

Because the truth is that looks do matter... to an extent. Looks are not the most important quality in a person, but they are still a part of the package. Imagine you receive two Christmas presents. One is wrapped in shiny wrapping paper, the edges are neat, and it's even topped with a fluffy bow. The other is wrapped in old, crumply newspaper, thrown together with some tape, and it doesn't even have a bow. Both gifts contain something wonderful inside, but be honest... Which one are you most excited to open?

I think most people would choose the fancier looking present. Why? Because a lot of care went into it. Just like attractive people put a lot of care into their own appearance.

I truly believe that anyone can be good looking, and a lot of that comes down to how a person cares for his or herself, using whatever God gave them to their advantage. When people take care of themselves, they feel better about themselves. And when they feel better about themselves the become confident. And confidence is one of the most attractive qualities a person can possess no matter what they look like.

DizzyDesii · Accepted Answer

Looks dont matter to people who have no standards or options. Looks dont matter AS MUCH to people who find personality more important or to people who just want to hookup. Shit, looks matter to me and personality as well. But I’d say looks 55%, personality 45%. If I’m tryna date/marry ya but don’t wanna look at ya, then wtf can your personality do for me? Thats what friendzone is for and ain't Nobody got time to friendzone/be friendzoned these days. Thats high school shit

DaveJord · Answer

Who is saying looks don't matter? Obviously I am skeptical of anyone who says this. Maybe looks don't matter as much to some people than others but, obviously to say they don't matter all is disingenuous on some level.

It is true that most men have greater success and happiness with average looking women, but thats not to say looks don't matter at all. I think when it comes to very attractive people, most average people are not interested. I have dated what I consider to have been a 10 for me, and those types are way more demanding then average looking one you enjoy being around.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

"you always hear people say when they're looking for a partner, 'looks don't matter!'" and we all know that is BS. Just like dating profiles that say

"I love to take long walks on the beach." If every one of those people went to the beach even once a month, there would be a singles parade every day, beach access wold be rationed, and the beach would be closed periodically for repairs. OR

"I want a man who is honest" And then when those same women ask if these pants make her but look big, we all know what she wants to hear.

Pinay_ako · Answer

Looks definitely matter.
Before you want to read a book, you gotta look at the cover first before burying your head into it burning midnight oil…

Even the hot and fortunate good looking ones still have hard time finding a good partner or long term relationships

lightbulb27 · Answer

Looks do matter... truth is, everything matters. Looks matter to some more than others. As well, that specific aspect can be overcome by other attributes. It's about value and emotional connection, compatability.

I think most relationships are a matter of overcoming obstacles in our minds. We have desires, opinions, expectations.

So there is a skill and sales, strategy and tactics to finding a mate. The problem is... people are poorly trained.

So you have to up your game, up your skills, make changes and take risks. Going to fall 30 times before get a success. I've seen people in thought were very unattractive in relationships, I've seen attractive people bombing out more than you'd think... frustrated.

There's a reason some people get married 2-3 times and date a bunch and others sit on the couch wondering what's wrong. I know, I was there.

Reality is most any relationship, will take work.

I've made fishing analogy before. in western culture, that's what dating is like... going fishing.

sexguru1999 · Answer

Looks do matter.

And the worst part is it does not change for some people. The good part is if you feel attractive, having confidence and be smart, like know how to talk, and what others want everything is much more easy.

I think all about is not being a pussy, be bold and have confidence, after all the big decisions are made by capable people, looks is a bonus. If you are this kind of guy you can date any girl you want. You can humiliate other guys by having the genetic lottary of high intellicence, which as the looks is also something you cannot choose.

My point is if you are very, very skillful and smart, with excellent communications skills makes you stand off the crowd. So sure if you know "where to hit a girl" and her wants you can take lead and make her fall for you. And this is not only applied in the erotic context, but also applies in other fields, being charismatic is much more important than looks, which ok will give a big advantage at first.

Finally, I have to say that having something that makes you stand off the crowd and eliminating other potential partners will always be the case, otherwise no one wouldn't fall for anyone. But the real problem is the stupidity and inactivity pandemic, which makes people observers rather than people of act. For example many people watch porn. I mean why? Why not trying to have real life sex? You see a nice girl to a bar? Go there with a breeze of confidence, seduce her, be open minded like real life chess. And it is still valid for Girls. Which is really hard. Girls no matter how "ugly" they are in the scale of 1 to 10, even the ones will get laid really easily. Because there are so much horny guys just to ease their need. Speaking of which... FINDING LOVE IS HARD , finding hookups is easy

Mewipaws · Answer

I hate when people tell me "Looks doesn't matter" but in actual fact, it does. If looks doesn't matter, why the hell do I always get turned down by girls? Why do I always get the "ew creep alert" stares from them?

How one gets attracted to another is always based on physical attraction first (majority of the time). Especially nowadays. I have seen a lot of girls in my university that constantly chasing after hot, buff, handsome looking guys. I rarely see any guys who is not that good looking get chased by any girls. They always tend to get the short end of the stick.

rtj1211 · Answer

What actually matters most is self-regard. Obviously if you are obscenely unattractive like 45 stone (lol), that's going to have a negative impact. But I've seen amazingly attractive people simply sending out negative signals which all come down to the fact that they aren't happy with themselves as people.

Everyone has a different ultimate potential, there's no denying that. But the biggest issue is large numbers of people not realising the potential they have through lack of self-regard, lack of self-confidence and lack of ability to learn dating skills 'on the job'.

LazerBean · Answer

Looks definitely a matter. I think when most people say looks don't matter, that an eight who has a good personality and everything they want is more desirable than a 10 with a bad personality and baggage. That's how I see it at least.

But certainly for my own standpoint, I'm not going to marry an ugly person because I don't want my children to be ugly.

And what makes dating even more hard for unattractive people is that they themselves usually don't want unattractive people either. I personally seen that phenomenal in action, many, many times.

TomBham · Answer

People who say "looks don't matter", lie to themselves or one of those "woke",... people with some agenda behind it...

In my case looks do matter, but only in terms that she should look attractive to me, I do not care about other peoples opinions, as I would have to live with her not them...

Like my ex, most people thought she is below average (I see myself as average, not ugly), but I liked her and all physical beauty, she managed to compensate with brain and we just had amazing 'chemistry' together, she was/is great as 'overall package'.

We would still be together, but she had to move to chase her career...

Havthrills · Answer

Thank you! I didn't think I was that bad looking but apparently I am. I tried 3 dating apps for months. I went through probably thousands of women. I got exactly 0 matches. So apparently looks do matter. This goes along with another question that was asked and I was waiting to get yelled at. Lol.

The question was about a guy looking ugly seen as a creep. The women said that they aren't seen as creeps and I disagreed saying they will say that but when it happens, they are seen as creeps. Lol

AndrésC64 · Answer

That's a good question. It really bugs me when people on here say that. There are always questions about would you date this girl/guy or that girl/guy, and you always get a considerable number of people who claim that they don't care about the looks. BS. All things being equal, everybody is going to go for the better looking person. Anybody who says otherwise is lying.

Juxtapose · Answer

If looks didn't matter then there were not even be something such as heterosexuality xD People would date purely based on personality and sexual attraction would be mental.

Regardless if people like it or not, romantic relationships are inherently more shallow than friendships because friendship doesn't depend on appearance.

JamesDiaz11 · Answer

It's just a cliche, which is largely inaccurate. We're suppose to view people based on their heart, or on their character, but when choosing a mate we invariably go for those we are attracted to- so looks do matter.

arianna2005 · Answer

Well keep in mind attraction twords someone ur going to date is really important maybe for the mayority of people ur not that attractive and that is why it gets so hard. If you are what is considered attractive by society and the mayority of people ur chances go up because most people feel an attraction twords you. It's not true that looks doesn't matter they do, in every day life everyone will judge you of how you look and dress like if you wear a pijamas on a formal meeting they will think ur not professional ofc what people mean when they say that is that if someone is attractive and a jerk they will start to see that person as someone ugly even tho he is physically socially attractive to the majority.

JDavid25 · Answer

They definitely matter, even if it's not natural physical looks, but just the way you present yourself.. It matters to everybody in some way.. It does only get you through the door though.. I recently watched a video where a group of women were interviewed, and they said that salary doesn't matter and that as long as they are making enough to support themselves, they are fine with that... Then they went on to say that if they had a ballpark of salary they preferred its at least $100,000+.. It's the same when people say looks don't matter..

Apulu_Imback · Answer

Because not everyone is good enough in this world to embrace someone they find unattractive. No one is unattractive. Looks do matter for me, being overweight or obese is turn down for me unless it's for medical condition. If you have an unhealthy lifestyle and have loads of skin problems then that is unattractive to me.

RolandCuthbert · Answer

I would never say that looks don't matter when it comes to women. Women have the burden of having to be attractive.

But men don't share that burden.

We have the burden of being confident and approaching women first.

mandyfire98 · Answer

Looks do matter. I'm not going to be with someone that I don't find attractive. It's part of what attracts me to them, it just is.

Looks do matter but everyone is attracted to something different as far as looks. People are attracted to different things and looks is part of that.

ReneD13 · Answer

Looks matter initially in terms of attraction. If you aren't attracted to someone, typically you don't take the time to see if you're interested in them beyond that. Looks are what, generally speaking, sparks interest, the rest of it just keeps you engaged beyond that. I do feel that what people find attractive varies but if you aren't attracted physically to someone chances are you aren't going to date them.

Chazmatazz269 · Answer

Anyone who says looks don’t matter is lying. It’s THE premier attribute that everyone seeks in a partner, save possibly the vision impaired. At first, it’s literally the only thing that matters. Nobody is tryna get to know Joseph Merrick or Rocky Dennis to find out if they’re clever, charming or fun.

If "looks don't matter," then why is dating harder for those considered to be unattractive?

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

If "looks don't matter," then why is dating harder for those considered to be unattractive?

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.