Has he lost interest in me?

[Anonymous]

I (30 years old) have been dating my 40 year old boyfriend for 7 months now. For the last 2 months I have been staying at his place, practically living together. He has been avoidant in making the decision of whether we should officially move in together, so I suggested we take a week apart to miss each other and think, he agreed. 4 days passed by, we haven't seen each other and he hasn't called/texted and I ran into him by accident today. He hugged, and kissed me, held my hand, we went for lunch and he genuinely looked like he missed me. Then he walked me to work and told me twice "see you soon"... I am confused, seeing as tomorrow is a Friday and technically a week, shouldn't he have made plans with me? What is all of this supposed to mean? I have my things at his place, and a key to his home.

[SteveSmith1985]

This is hard for me to read here. On the one hand... you seem quite rational and sane in how you're approaching this. But, there are definitely things about this that make it weird.

First of all. 7 months is too soon for people to move in together. I'm not saying nobody's ever made that work... but 99% of the time that's way too soon. So... why... the rush? Why is it so important that he commit to moving in together officially so soon? I would be hesitant to.

I once moved in with a girlfriend after about a year. Was a bit weary that this might be too soon. It was. We were broken up within 2 years of moving in together.

But in general, people don't move in together that quickly. It's not right for you to look at his unwillingness to officially move in with you, as meaning any lack of commitment or investment in your relationship. Basically. You have an unreasonable expectation here. Any guy is going to be hesitant to move in officially after 7 months. That's because it's clearly a bad idea. For anybody. It's too soon.

More than too soon... it's also totally unecessary. If you've got all your stuff at his place, and are basically living there already... why is it so important that you officially live there right away?

I mean, you're 30... haven't you ever had a relationship in the past... where everthing was perfect for longer than 7 months... but which clearly wasn't a relationship that had long-term potential? What I mean is... haven't you had the experience yourself of being "wrong" about somebody for longer than 7 months? If you haven't... it's very common.

Now the idea of taking a week off to see if he misses you. Honestly I think is just a plain bad idea. I would never in a million years agree to taking a break like that, so it's hard for me to put myself in the shoes of the guy who would. To me that's just a bad idea, and shows/proves nothing whatsoever. You don't need time apart to figure out how you feel about someone (in my opinion).

I'm also a bit confused as to what you meant by "shouldn't he have made plans with you" after saying "see you soon." Did you mean plans to see you? Like "hey, so are you going to come by tomorrow night?"

Or did you mean plans in terms of telling you he's ready for you to move in officially or that he isn't?

Honestly, this sounds like a guy who likes you. But that you are unjustifyably rushing to officially move in with. That's what this looks like to me. I think you've got zero problems here aside from the one you're creating with this unreasonable expectation. So, no, I don't think this guy has lost interest in you at all. Nothing about this indicates that in any way.

This guy is interested in you. He's just not an idiot. He would be an idiot to move in with someone officially after 7 months. It would be a dumb thing for any guy to do with any girl, in any situation, no matter how crazy about her he might be.

You need to reassess your expectations. That is the only problem I see here. If you can chill-out on the moving in officially thing... to a normal, regular expectation. You have no problem here.

If however, you feel like this guy must not be serious about you, or isn't REALLY interested in you because he's not wanting to move in together after 7 months... Then you DO have a problem. You're going to end up fucking yourself right out of a perfectly good potential long-term relationship. You are being unreasonable here. 🙂

[Asker]

Thank you so so so much for your thorough and helpful reply! You certainly have opened my eyes. One of the issues I am facing is that this guy hasn't had a serious girlfriend in 40 years, nor has he lived with any woman before. He is very wishy washy, and I wanted to feel like he is willing to take the leap of faith by the time we have been together for a year for example. In terms of him saying "see you soon", I thought that he would make plans to see me, seeing as we agreed to a week and tomorrow is 5 days. But he hasn't said "see you tomorrow, or lets have dinner tomorrow?" I am not sure what to make of this, or what to do?

[SteveSmith1985]

I think that it's an especially bad idea to try and push this guy if he's already wishy-washy. I think that it shouldn't really feel like a "leap of faith" to make the decision to move in together. It should happen because both people feel like it makes sense, and is the right time. No real leap of faith required. You only move in together after you are 100% confident. So don't use moving in TO secure commitment from him. It should simply be a natural bi-product of a committed relationship that's going well.

If this guy is the right guy... it's not going to matter whether you move in tomorrow or 2 years from now. Either way, your relationship should still grow... the commitment should still grow, and everything should still work out fine. If you're going to spend a lifetime (or even just "long term") with this guy, then there is zero rush. Getting him to agree to move in means nothing in terms of his committment to you. Plus... all that pushing him into this soon... if he DOESN'T turn out to be the right guy accomplishes is making a breakup WAY more of a pain (in the practical sense).

So if he's the right guy... just chill, you have nothing to worry about. It'll all work out fine. If he turns out to be the wrong guy... you'll be very glad you didn't officially move in after 7 months.

As for the "see you soon" thing. You are overthinking this whole break thing. You don't need to wait for a specific invitation. You can either set one yourself (the break WAS your idea right?)... or, you can show up at his place if that's what you'd typically do on a Friday night.

[SteveSmith1985]

This is just a regular Friday night. Nothing more. It's YOU who needed the break because you were pressuring this guy. If you now see that you shouldn't, then you need to have that discussion with him. But basically you need to "talk" after the break to see where anyone is. He's thinking you're hoping/expecting his mind to have changed. You need to let him know that's no longer what you're expecting. Other than that... just a regular-ass Friday night. Call him, message him, or head over to his place (whichever you'd typically do on a Friday).

DO have that talk. But it's not even a hard one if your expectation has changed.

Even if this guy says "ok... after a week... I'm ready to for you to move in anytime"... I would highly highly suggest that YOU tell him that it's better to wait. Because it is. If he agrees to this... it was coerced. You know that becasuse otherwise he would have agreed to it and never needed the break in the first place.

The break might end up with him saying: "well I guess if it's between losing her completely; and agreeing to her moving in... eventhough I really don't want to yet... I guess... I'll let her move in".

But honestly... that's pretty fucked up. That's not what you want. That doesn't mean a damn thing about his commitment to you. You will have twisted his arm into agreeing to something he doesn't want (coerced). You really don't WANT to push someone into making that decision. That's the opposite of what you actually want. (evidence that he's serious about you)

[Anonymous]

It's difficult to say for certain what your boyfriend's intentions or feelings may be, but it's important to communicate your own needs and expectations clearly and respectfully in any relationship.

If you're feeling confused or uncertain about his behavior, it may be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with him about your feelings and concerns. Ask him directly about his intentions and feelings, and express your own desires and expectations for the relationship.

Remember to prioritize your own well-being and to communicate in a way that aligns with your values and priorities. If you continue to feel unsure or have questions or concerns, it may be helpful to talk to a trusted friend or therapist about your feelings and expectations.

[Guy13]

Yeah, you can't force a man 10 years old back into a corner and demand a decision you want or separation. That will never work. It is probably too late.