I met a guy and it has become a casual/friendship thing. The first time I didn’t think he would contact me as he is extremely good looking. So I took it easy. Now he messages me at least twice a week. Each time I leave he tells me to stay in touch. But I always wait for him to reach out. I don’t respond with much most likely because I think he is way too good to be seeing me. I have 1 child and he does not know this. Should I let him know? Or because it is a casual thing, he doesn’t need to know?
Is it important to let a casual relationship know everything about you?
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He doesn't need to know everything about you since it's casual. You should mention you have a kid though. It's... really really weird if you have one and don't mention having one at all for an extended period of time. You can mention it in passing... but it's weird to hide that. You should tell him.
How should I mention it to him?
I think the easiest way is to do it in passing. Just mention something about him (anything at all). I have to arrange for a babysitter for my son; or yea later on I need to buy my son a new pair of running shoes; or my son said the cutest thing this morning; or anything at all where you mention you have a son.
Unless it's already been too long for that to be appropriate. In which case, you're best to sit him down and basically explain briefly what you explained here. You didn't want to freak him out... you guys were just casual, but now that you're spending more time together over an extended period of time... you feel like it's weird if you don't mention that you have a son.
Basically, you didn't do anything wrong by not telling him the first or second or third time you were seeing him in what was going to be a casual relationship. That's reasonable. He'll understand that.
Then it's also easy enough to understand how it becomes increasingly harder for you to just mention you have a child... as you see more and more of him.
It makes sense why he doesn't know, and why you're telling him "late." If you tell him now, you're totally in-the-clear completely, so far as anything he can fault-you-with.
If he's upset about it, he has no right to be. As long as you tell him now.
He is going away next week so I might just send him a message. I think that will be easier and also to give him to to think whether he still wants to see me @stevesmith1985
@stevesmith1985 I think I’ll let him know in person.
@stevesmith1985 I told him and he said it’s ok to be honest. Nothing wrong with me having kids. Let’s see if his actions reflect his words.
Well good for you for telling him. And I'm not surprised to be honest that he said it was ok. That's... the correct reaction on his part. Now, when you say "lets see if his actions reflect his words" I'm not quite sure what you mean? Do you mean let's see if he keeps wanting to see you?
I think that if he seemed fine with it. And told you he was fine with it... then I think he's just fine with it. I don't think most guys are going to lie about this. If it was a problem for him, he would have said so.
He even has an easy "escape hatch." If he had a problem with you having a kid, but was unable/unwilling to admit having a problem with it: Then he would have used the excuse that you hadn't told him about having a kid earlier. (saying he felt lied to or that he couldn't trust you now or some other bullshit).
So that would be some lying-coward-bullshit. But nevertheless, if he were a guy who DID have a problem with you having a kid, but was unwilling to be straight-about-that... he had a convenient way to break things off without having to admit that (for whatever his reasons for not wanting to admit that).
So if he's an honest guy who isn't going to make up being upset about you having withheld this... when what it's really about is the fact that you've got a kid...
Then he's an honest guy who isn't going to lie to you about being alright with your having a kid, if he really isn't.
Lying about being alright with it, in this specific situation, would make no sense. There is no reason for him to say that if he didn't genuinely mean it.
I think you should be fine. Good for you. 🙂
I was just a bit nervous as I have had a guy in the pay say he wasn’t into kids and didn’t see kids in his future and stopped seeing me.
I actually sent him a WhatsApp message and deleted it and then sent it again. After 5 mins I deleted it thinking I’d tell him in person. I sent him a message to say sorry for all the deleted messages, I sent to the wrong person but how are you. He replied saying he saw the message and it’s ok I have a child.
I think he also feels good that I’m laid back about the situation. He is a busy guy who is always working and I don’t constantly message him and ask to see him. And ask why he hasn’t seen me. He actually apologised for not being in touch at one point as he was busy working and I said that’s fine. I think some girls in the past have wanted his constant attention. So I think I’m doing something right, so I will see where it goes. I didn’t think he would see me the 2nd or 3rd time. But he seems interested enough in me. @stevesmith1985
Sorry a guy in the past not like that I had a kid. Also break things off. We aren’t in a relationship to break things off. Just seems like he is really into me to want to see me. I’m also quite shocked because he is the type of guy all women would want
Oh some guys would indeed have a problem with you having a kid. And I think that this guy would also have told you so, if that's how he felt.
It sounds like you can basically take at-face-value what this guy is showing you. I think you're absolutely right that he is only wanting to continue seeing you because he is into you. There's no other reason he WOULD want to keep seeing you. I think that what you see, is what is happening here basically.
You know... feeling shocked that this guy seems so into you... is actually a good thing. You SHOULD feel lucky to be with the person you're with (or seeing, or whatever). But it's not a bad thing to feel a bit surprised to be chosen. But he should also feel that way about you! (and there's no reason to think he doesn't... he seems to be into you, as you say).
As for what he ultimately wants in terms of casual vs. something more serious. I have no idea. But as long as you keep seeing him, and are fine with it not being overly serious, then you're all good. If you're hoping for something a little more serious, then it's ok to see if he's perhaps on the same page (and if he's not, then decide to either stop seeing him or continue seeing him casually). Just don't be sitting there not messaging him because you assume he wouldn't want to hear from you, but would reach-out himself if he wantred to. That's not necessarily true. At all.
Just don't be afraid to feel-out whether he might be interested in something more serious if that's what you want, and things continue to progress well between the two of you.
@stevesmith1985 I think he is only wanting to regularly see me because I agree to have casual sex with him not because he is into me…. It’s a little hard to tell because we have meaningful conversations. He asks about my job and talks about his work. He even apologised for being busy. Even though I didn’t complain. Also he told me he will be away for 1 week for work. He didn’t need to tell me that. It’s seems he cares about what I think. But I’m not sure.
We watched a basketball game and a movie together twice but after that it’s just been sex. Mind you I have only known him for about 6 weeks.
It’s hard to tell what he wants long term after only knowing him for a short period of time. I shouldn’t think to much right now.
"I think he is only wanting to regularly see me because I agree to have casual sex with him not because he is into me"
Yes, that is entirely possible. There is nothing yet to indicate that this isn't the case. Ultimately that will depend on what this guy is looking for. I don't think he's really made that clear to you one way or the other yet.
I'm sure he cares about what you think. Although, that's not necessarily an indicator that he's looking for anything beyond casual.
Deep conversations might suggest he's open to more (or at least that you're making a connection beyond what is often involved in a casual relationship). It doesn't automatically mean anything either. It also depends on what you're looking for. If you're just looking for casual right now, then this is kinda perfect how it is.
You are absolutely right that it's hard to tell what he wants long-term after such a short term. I think you are absolutely right about not thinking about it too much right now. If you're happy with how things are, then just keep on seeing him and play-it-by-ear.
@stevesmith1985 great advice. I really appreciate it
Oh no problem. You seem like a woman who know's what's up. From how you've conducted yourself in this situation, as well as the glimpse I've had into how you're thinking and how you're looking at things... I think you're gonna be just fine.
You didn't even really need any advice here. You basically just needed someone to reaffirm what you already knew. You knew you had to tell him you had a child. It was bothering you that he didn't know... because you ended up seeing him more than you had originally planned. That itself says a lot about you.
You asked if you should tell him. But I am quite sure you already knew the answer. You knew you were going to have to tell him. You were just second guessing yourself a little.
Then when the answer comes in: "Yup... you've gotta tell him"
You didn't mess around. You didn't try and argue for why maybe you shouldn't tell him, or that maybe it was alright to not tell him.
It's a hard thing to have to do to tell him. Eventhough you ended up in that situation honestly; it's still a difficult thing to have to "come clean" about. It takes guts.
That's doubly true, if you've had a guy who DID want to stop seeing you because he had a problem with you having a child.
You just did what you had to do. Because you knew (and had it confirmed) that it was the right thing to do. That it would be wrong to continue without telling him. It bothered you as "deception by omission." And so, you sucked-it-up, and bravely just... did what you knew you had to do... eventhough you worried you might lose him.
THAT right there...
What you did. Having an "open and honest talk, and putting your cards on the table" is... honestly... what my advice amounts to a good 60% of the time.
If I pick it apart, that is almost always what I am urging any woman to do in a situation she's in with a guy. That's usually truly the solution to almost any situation in a relationship.
You got this. You already got this. No matter what happens with this guy specifically... you've got good instincts. You're gonna navigate this (and any other) situation just fine.
Very true and extremely helpful 😊
@stevesmith1985 he hasn’t responded and i messaged him last night. So I guess he is not ok with me having a child’s
I am really sorry to hear that! I am also surprised to tell you the truth. Because if he had a problem with it... I don't see why this is any easier for him, than just saying so when you told him. I don't see why any guy would choose to tell you it was fine... only to not return your calls. If that IS what happened here, then that's some inexcusably cowardly shit. I can't say I have any idea what's happening with him. But it could be some other reason he hasn't responded yet. I guess that'll become clear in a few days in whether he does respond or not.
I am really sorry that this guy stopped responding. I hope you don't regret your decision to tell him. I still think it was the right thing to do, and that it would have been weird and wrong for you to continue hiding the fact you had a child from him, if you were going to continue seeing him.
I think though, that if this guy lied about being cool with it, only to ghost you... he's a piece of shit anyway. It's better to find that out now. Because that's a messed-up and cowardly way for him to handle the situation--regardless of what his true feeling are.
I am sorry this guy had the reaction that he had.
@stevesmith1985 it’s all fine now. He replied to me to next apologising as he finished work late. I saw him that same day 😊 he didn’t ask about my child which was nice as I was feeling nervous.
I’m really trying to develop feelings for him but it’s so hard.
He is going away this weekend and told me he would be in contact when he gets back.
He doesn’t need to do that and he doesn’t need to let me know that he is going away if it’s just for 2 days.
Either he is just being a gentleman or for some unknown reason he wants me to know his plans. We aren’t in a relationship so he doesn’t need to do that.