Girlfriend’s past bothers me?

[Anonymous]

I’m going to keep this short and sweet. I’m 23 and have been dating this 21 yr old girl for almost 6 months.

I’m a virgin but she isn’t and it’s really been troubling me. It bothers me so much because of our faith practices (we’re supposed to wait until marriage).

I met her coming out of a pretty horrible, abusive relationship and just recently something happened that caused her to reflect on how terrible it was and some of the things that happened to her. She mentioned that whenever they would have sex that her ex would try to record and she would say no. That really bothered me and made me feel bad. I know it sounds like I’m just being a “kid” and need to grow up but I’ve always turned down opportunities to do those things to save myself as a gift for my wife. It hurts me a lot.

I would love to get some people’s take on this and see what some of you guys have to say.

P. S what hasn’t helped me is my curiosity and wanting to know all that she’s done with other guys :/ I dunno what to do.

[pink_blah]

She could be re-waiting for marriage, just because she might have done stuff in the past doesn't mean she can't change, you know? Im not sure if your christian or catholic, but God will accept you for who you are as long as you're willing to change because no one’s perfect.

[Asker]

I’m not saying she hasn’t changed. What hurts it that we aren’t going to be doing those things together for the first time. I’m not saying that God will reject her, He has forgiven her but it’s hard for me to come to terms with it.

[pink_blah]

its okay, you don’t need to be her first, but don’t just try not to judge her for it. On the bright side she’ll be more experienced !

[Asker]

I guess I don’t need to. I don’t try to judge her for it. Last thing you would want to do to the person you love is hit them with shame and guilt. Being more experienced doesn’t mean much to me because I’ll be inexperienced.

[Berethor]

She does not worth waiting for, if a girl is not a virgin it's a pretty big turn-off for me too.

[Jamie05rhs]

How did you meet her?

[Asker]

We met through social media

[Jamie05rhs]

And you never asked her if she was a virgin or not?

[Asker]

She brought it up before I even had an opportunity to ask and I didn’t think much of it at the time but as time has gone on.. it hits differently

[Jamie05rhs]

@ChristLover21 Okay. I'll give you a pass this time because you're young. Let this be a learning experience. But you really need to listen when people tell you things.

Since you now know that this is an issue for you, then in the future you need to be proactive about inquiring about a potential partner's history (delicately and tactfully, of course).

[Asker]

Thank you so much. I really do appreciate it. It’s not that I glossed over it but in the beginning it felt like such a small thing. But as time passes on it hurts more as I learn more. She seems perfect in every way and I wouldn’t want to lose her over something small like this

[Jamie05rhs]

You're welcome, man.

So is how you currently feel that you want to stay with her? Because if so, that's perfectly fine. I don't want to steer you in one direction or another. It has to be YOUR decision. All I ask is that you be honest with yourself. And once you choose, choose completely. You have to be all in. You can't be emotionally or mentally on the fence with this type of thing. Either you accept her, or you don't. Again, no one is saying you have to. It's your choice. Just figure it out and then stick with that decision.

[Jamie05rhs]

It wouldn't be fair to her to tell her that you accept her as she is and then later on change your mind.

I mean, you have an exit ramp NOW. But don't drag it out any further. Don't lead her on. Because she's a person with feelings too.

[Asker]

Thank you so much :). I really, really appreciate you saying this to me. What you said is very true. I shouldn’t lead a person on making them believe that everything is okay when in actuality, it’s not. I don’t want to hurt her. I’ll be honest with you.. it’s been hurting me every time I think about it and sometimes it goes away but when it comes back it hurts. It’s a little hard for me to imagine being intimate with her given the information… I just don’t like the idea of doing something that some guy has already done.. (lemme be honest.. it’s not that some other guy has done these things, it’s that the guy didn’t treat her well and she let him do those things.. so now I come along and I try to treat her the best I can… just for the same result.. it doesn’t feel good). Thank you for being so considerate of not only myself but her as well.

[Anonymous]

i've had to deal with similar things in the past , has been girls who have much more sexual experience than me and did things in the past i'd likely rather not even know about. the reality is most people have a past and we can let that bother us or just enjoy the present with them

[Asker]

Thank you for input and for sharing your experience