People are going to give you a lot of shit for this post. I'll throw my had in the ring here. This is just advice and it is up to you whether or not you want to use this. This is something that helps me and hopefully it will help you:
1. People who say to "put her past behind her - the past is the past" -those are the ones who are most likely not with that same person anymore (the person who they had an issue with their past) and they are just talking shit. Fuck them.
2. Same with me, I wonder where those types of thoughts come from. I don't think anyone will want to resent anyone for their past fuck-ups, but somehow guys (most guys not all guys - including myself; I speak based off experience) are somehow going to be bothered by their female partner's past. I was a virgin before I met my current girlfriend. She guarantee was sleepin around with her past boyfriends that she had and she can deny it all she wants. I don't like the idea of her putting other schlongs into her mouth. Do you know that still bothers me? But I am still with her. "Past is the past" is bullshit because it is still going to be in the back of your mind somewhere. Off topic - to this day, I still wonder where the root of human thoughts - especially my thoughts, come from. Like what part of the human sub-atomic levels do thoughts originate from and that gives us emotions?
3. What do you do about those awful thoughts? In my opinion, you're going to have to find some way to "distract" your mind with something else. Resenting her past will create unnecessary mental suffering. This means you're going to have to find a way to disconnect and or detach from her. Put yourself first before her. As selfish as that may sound, it will definitely help. Putting yourself first and your needs first before hers will sort cushion the landing in terms of drawing attention away from her past. That would mean to find different hobbies; spend more time with yourself instead of with her all the time - basically find anything to keep your mind off of her past. What I just prescribed is not entirely full proof but it will definitely help.
4. You can even try meditation. You don't have to necessarily cross your legs and sit in the upright lotus position and chant "Namaste." Meditation helps because you are finally giving attention to thoughts that linger in your mind. Why do you think people have a hard time sleeping at night? Their mind keeps them up. People are nothing but alone in their thoughts. That's a form of meditation in my opinion. When you address the thoughts when you close their eyes, you will see that you are thinking of one thing and then quickly jumping to the next thought. It's like a state of "Mindfulness" in a sense. But the good thing about meditation is that some ideas (and hopefully good ones and nothing sinister) will come to you in your mind and hopefully you can put that new "inspiration" or thought to use. Do meditation lying down or sitting up with legs crossed (either one is great!).
Godspeed to you sir! Even though I may be younger than you posting on your thread - I feel your scars that have lashed and stricken your mind.
It’s a pretty normal thing that men are facing in today’s society. No man wants to imagine the woman he loves getting railed by a bunch of guys who talk about her in locker rooms. I can tell you from experience, that it starts to become less and less bothersome through time. Eventually you get to a point in which you say “who the fuck cares”? She comes home to me every night, she loves me and is great towards me, chooses to fuck me and commit to me everyday. Makes a great mother. etc..
If she went down on a number of guys when she was 16 at my age... lol it’s irrelevant. That was 10 years ago for me. You think I’m trying to compete against a 16 year old? Give me a break lol. I’m an entirely different person than I was 10 years ago. The girls I slept with 10 years ago are no longer a thought in my head. They haven’t been in a long time. It was nothing. This mostly tends to bother younger men, but older men tend to really only care if she’s wised up and grown out of that phase.
I understand the struggle you’re going through as a I’ve been through it myself at one point in my life. It bothers men from a deep biological level and a lot of women are really selfish and tend to label men as such toxically insecure or petty and then pursue to shame them. It’s pretty obvious as to why women who sleep with a ton men are seen as lesser value, but everyone has to ignore that to be PC.
If your girl does tries to shame you, move the hell on and don’t look back. She’s a selfish woman who doesn’t care about your feelings or sense of masculinity. You’ll see it even on the comments here.
However, if she makes great efforts to comfort you, and help you move past it, then appreciate her values as that’s a quality woman right there. These women who suck dick non stop and then tell men they’re all insecure and shame because they don’t want to marry her are disgusting to me. Literally would never date someone like that. They’re ashamed of their own actions and in an attempt to justify their actions and evade responsibility, they shift the blame on you.
So try and work on this with her and have her help you along the way. If it’s too much to overcome, then you’re doing a disservice to both of you by sticking around. Goodluck man.
I think the fact it disgusts you is a bit much. It's OK to not like your partner's sexual past - I don't think anyone really hopes or wishes their partner has the most sexual partners possible. I have only ever slept with my boyfriend, so I see where you are coming from in terms of having a lot less partners than your SO. But if you want to be with her, you have to get over it. I know my boyfriend slept around back in the day. I could spend my time sitting here thinking about it all the time but I choose not to. What does that do? And to be honest, I think no matter what the numbers are, we could all over think it if we wanted to. If I was in a relationship with a guy who had only had me as a sexual partner, I may sit around feeling worried that he may want to sleep with more women one day and not limit himself to one forever. We just can't overthink our partner's sexual past. As long as he is loyal to me now, I don't care. Plus you can't change it.
When she slept with these other guys, she didn't know you existed. They don't matter anymore now that she's with you. Most people hate their exes or regret casual hook-ups anyway, so its not like she sits around on a daily basis flicking through her sexual history and wanting to get with these guys again. They are in the past but all feelings for them are there too. If you find it bothering you remind yourself you can't change it and that she only has eyes for you now. It was a time you didn't exist to her. It's irrelevant to your relationship.
But if you genuinely find her disgusting, move on because she should be respected by you as your girlfriend.
You know why, if you think about it for a while longer you would admit to yourself on why that is. It's normal for young people to act on their hormones in younger days and have fun with their sexuality. But perhaps you were the kind of guy who judged girls for this and saw them as sluts, so even though your girlfrend does not do that anymore there is still a part of you that judges her for it. perhaps it's insecurity, if you did not have many girls in the past but she did, there is something about her having a larger number of guys, more experience, more men to compare you with. or maybe you think that part of her could still be there and you are worried of cheating or her still being this way. whatever the reason is, you should get over it. I am sure there are things in your own past you are not proud of, perhaps not sexual, but in relationships or other areas completely. if she did not give you any reason to think this is not all in the past, the young silly days, you should not think of it as a present issue. at least she had her fun and now it's done, while I know many women who were prudes when they were young and then let loose later on to ''make up for'' younger days. so you should be glad it's the past not the present
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You are afraid there’s more of a chance you’re not the best she’s had, which is true. It’s a form of competition.
I'm just guessing but I'd say it bothers you because it took her that long to figure out what she needed in a partner. It's not so much the numbers but the intelligence behind them.
That’s is so strange because I had the exact same problem with my ex girlfriend. First thing I would do is go to Zachary Stockill
https://www.youtube.com/embed/AU2uxwSP4LIFurther to tell you a little of my story to help you. I met my first girlfriend traveling in Latin America I had never had sex before. We had very strong chemistry its like I might the girl of my dreams. We became a couple and moved in together in my home city. Later I found she hooked up with a guy near to when we met and I was consumed with visions that destroyed my mind. I was so stuck because I loved her deeply but I was so bothered and ashamed of her past. The visions progressively got worse until I completely lost myself and was losing consciousness of what I was doing my whole day was consumed by it. I said so many hurtful things to her I broke up with her but then took it back. I told her I think she’s dirty, slutty, and I don’t think I can be with her. She seemed so sad saying it hurts so much that you think this about me sometimes crying.
Then that day I looked at myself and wondered why? Her past bothered me. I dug into myself and started writing ✍️. I discovered that I’m so insecure about her past because of my own internal fears. I looked at then stopped identifying with the thoughts in my head and realized this just was not real. I stopped judging then the love came back as soon as judgement stopped. A week later my ex girlfriend called me and just acted fake and cold saying she didn’t like me anymore because seemingly random things like I ate her food when we lived together, blocked me, and disappeared from my life. I’m not sure why. But it kills me every single day and I miss her so much every day. As a right I’m almost in tears thinking I will probably never see her again.
This is what I can say about all this. Maybe her past gives some red flags. But start inside first. Because ultimately our experience is lived within us. Closely perceive your ideas and judgements because often they say more about you than her. If you feel jealous or have pain about it, it may be because of your own fears so watch your emotions and see where you are preceding from. A place of fear or judgement? Or a place of love and acceptance. In some ways I wonder if concern over your partners past is natural. But the aftermath of me being consumed with my ex girlfriends past was ultimately destructive looking back it hurts so much. That I didn’t enjoy the time with her instead of being hurt over her past and it hurt to lose her. Just hit me up if you have any questions?
Because you are biologically wired to not trust promiscous women. Studies have consistently shown increased rates of cheating, divorce, unhappiness in long term relationships, dissatisfaction with sex, increased rates of anxiety and depression.
So here is the issue, what is her view on her past? See we all make mistakes so if she made a mistake and is trying to rectify it, fine I think that's admirable for some one to strive to better themselves and do so by acknowledging their past failures and striving to not repeat them. The problem lies in whether or not she is actually doing this. If she has no remorse for it then that shows that she isn't really seeing it as an issue and therefore isn't attempting to avoid these potential consequences due to it (being aware of the consequences of the actions is vital to avoiding them (that way they don't try to rationalize things when they start getting "bored" in the relationship (because they have conditioned themselves for novelty rather then stability), they know exactly why they are feeling that way and they learn to cope with it and eventually conquer it, but only if they see it as an issue.).
So that is probably why it bothers you.
I think the answer of this question resides inside you, you just can't quite locate it.
I can see a few theories in an instant at the moment:
-You are against the promiscuous lifestyle. If you are one of those people that stand severely against promiscuousity, there is a good chance that it is your dislike that eats you up inside and gives you twisted feelings here and there.
-You are insecure. If you are batteling with lack of confidence and insecurity about yourself, your image, your body etc... there is this possibility that your insecurity makes you overthink about the past and start making up stories and keep wondering about the unknown details of her past.
3. You have a controlling, possesaive and obsessive nature. If you obtain these form of personalities, it's perdictable that you keep looking back and get too attached to the past before you and find it difficult to let go. You get to feel like you want to know everything and know everyone or everything she has done in the past and with whoever she has done it.
I understand. That's why it's stupid of her to tell you about her past. I never told my husband for that exact reason. I had a lot of casual sex and I realise those guys saw (and probably still see) me as a slut, and honestly at that moment I felt like a slut and also wanted to. I'm not ashamed about it at all but I realise it's something my husband would not want to know. Everyone knows a drunk one night stand is not a pretty sight and a lot more pornographic than sex in a long term relationship. it's dirty talk, hair pulling, ass slapping and swallowing the load of a guy you often barely know. That's not an image I want my husband to have of me with some random assholes. Also, I realise since those guys see me as a slut and even still joke about it, they kinda look down at my husband. At our wedding it was kind of a weird moment even for me when there was a bunch of guys who had a go with me or got a blowie, standing there with a smile looking at the guy who was marrying the girl they had some fun with. I can't imagine what it would have felt like for my husband if he would have known. So I'm glad he didn't.
Everyone knows that so many girls have a history but if you don't know the details, it's not really a bother. But I can imagine if you know, it's annoying. Still, try to realise it's pretty normal and it's all just psychological. Try to think of this: those guys who see your girlfriend as "just a slut", will probably be with a girl who was "just a slut" to another guy. That's how things go. Almost no girl has no history and since everyone at some point is "a slut" it doesn't matter that much in the long run.
Because you may not gave compatible sexual values.
More to the core... the sexual revolution is a LIE.
Humans are psycholgically and spiritually designed in a way in which in which sexual intercourse is bonding, connecting and intimate in a high level.
It is a lie that humans just let 20-30 people touch us so intimately, 20-30 people enter sensitive, intimate parts of our bodies or to intimately, personally enter other people in such a raw exposed way and it be no big deal.
If she has had lots of men have her body, touch her, bond with her... that IS a lot to deal with.
Humans weren't designed for that to be normal emotionally and intimately and spiritually.
Can it be that you are jealous? Meaning that you're sad you didn't have anywhere near as many exes and opportunities she did?
Meaning, you wanted too to be looking back on x-number of friends with benefits and 01:00 a clock booty calls?
If so, I'm sorry and sympathetic. Don't know what to do about that tbh. Sad to break up over something like that, but letting it slowly poison the relationship isn't an option. Therapy maybe? Discuss open relationship for some time, so that you too feel "been there, done that"?
If it's more of a "purity issue", your morals etc. Then you've got to realise, what matters is who you two are now and what you see eye to eye on in the present. People change, so what matters is who she is now, not who she was years ago. That person isn't around anymore, and neither is past versions of you either right?
Honestly it seems like your issues are:
-misogynism
-problems with sex/sexuality
You don’t like your girlfriends’ past because you don’t feel it’s right for women (or maybe people in general?) to have had several sexual partners. Are you perhaps religious or were you raised religiously? Generally, religion relies heavily on modesty and controlling people through sex. It’s okay to have had more partners. Sex is good, if you both want it. It shouldn’t be seen as disgusting, because it isn’t! It’s just another part of nature.
I would try talking about it with her. Maybe you could resolve this together.
Has she said or done anything since you got together with her that would cause you to feel this way.
This is an important question, if not then it points to your own I securities about your past and maybe jealousy about her past.
If yes as in you two glare having sex but she then says others have done this or that or even others have been better, then this isn't an insecurity but she's being an abusive dick and then you need to see that and walk away.
Of course I can't say for definite which one applies and only you can do that
Could be that you view sex differently and the fact she treaded it as something casual makes it feel less special.
Maybe it makes you feel like you missed out since you didn't have as much of a history.
Maybe you view her as a higher risk for infidelity.
Maybe it makes you feel insecure about how you compare which is probably a valid concern. Women are typically have more options and are pickier when it comes to casual sex so if you are only an average looking guy who is dating a promiscuous girl then you are more than likely a downgrade at least from a physical/sexual perspective. You might be more reliable, loyal, smarter, nicer etc.. but probably don't turn her on in a purely sexual sense as much as her casual partners did. Shockingly some guys don't like to think about that.
Maybe it bothers you that much because of the perceived notion that you will live the same outcome as her past partners.
I'm gonna be honest from personal perspective. That's some hard shit to overcome, but you have to really trust her, take a good hard look at your relationship and see where it's going and if you see it's solid then you have to trust her and forget her past. If you see undecided things then you might be on your way to being just one more in a pattern of failed relationships due to lack of commitment. It's up to you in the end to determine where things are going and adjust your trust accordingly.
Maybe it bothers u coz u realize that her body has been touched by many before u and that she'd willingly just handout her body like that ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ or u cud be subconsciously scared she may cheat on you tho I question why u would date her if u didn't like her past... or did u find out after u started dating
It could like someone mentioned, you may feel like you may not stack up to her past flings, but it could be something else. It’s a double-standard when it comes to things like this. A lot of women will overlook that in a man, they may not like it from the start but a lot of them will get over it. W men, it’s different. In your mind like a lot of men you feel she’s tainted, like she’s a slut who just handed it out like candy. She’s been used and abused. She’s not “clean.” If you k ow you’re never going to be able to get over this you’re going to have to let this relationship go, because when you argue w her, which it will happen, maybe it already has, you’re going to throw that at her. So be ho eat w yourself as well as her.
You're just over thinking it, just because you didn't share a similar past doesn't mean she's a bad person or like that ignorant person said a whore. As long as you love each other why does her past matter, you may have a past she's uncomfortable with as well but do you see your relationship changing for the worse or better? I had more a sex life over my wife and we've been married 12 years. And in order for you to move forward you need to talk to her about her past and what makes you uncomfortable but overall your love will just grow stronger
If it bothers you that she was a Ho then dump her, especially if she hasn't changed. Maybe you are currently #100 on her list? I wish I knew why guys choose Ho's over nice girls? I guess it is like the nice guys who ask
why girls prefer players and fuckboys over nice guys. You can't seem to win.
Why would you bother yourself by dating someone with a promiscuous past if you don't? Forget the "competition" as some nitwit said. But how on earth can you trust Ms Slut to be faithful to you?
It might be a various reasons such as discomfort, jealousy, competitive, and wanting to be the best? But it’s important to focus on the fact that she is with YOU now and you’ll be the best thing she will ever have by showing her so in more than one way :) everyone has a past, the past is the past. I’m sure she trust you enough to be honest and open about it. I hope you can move forward from this and focus on the positive/present of your relationship!
You don't respect it which is why you can't let it go. This relationship is not off to a good start at all. You will need to evaluate whether or not you can live with her having a wh*** past😫😭
whats the underlying feeling/emoiton?
like.. you won't measure up
it violates your value system... e. g that isn't you?
no, but I don't date promiscuous women... only one, she had a lot of issues with her past... regretted it, so didn't bother me. relationshp was awful though:)
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