Bait and switch after making concrete plans to travel long-distance and visit?

Question

Hi, first time posting here, not sure of the etiquette- hope this format is ok. I'm a guy (29), been seeing this girl (28) long distance for a few months and I was supposed to visit her for the second time this weekend. The girl I'm visiting (across the country)- has been talking and giving not so subtle hints of things of wanting to be intimate and also very clearly set up plans to invite me to her place to cook dinner on Friday/Saturday (this was the original plan before I booked the flights). She also talked about playing video games on her couch etc.

In the week leading up to me flying, we've been playing adult party games online and the tension has been 11/10 (also very reciprocated)- I booked my flights etc. after discussing with her. She's now changing the plans and asking for us to meet at some bar instead. She put together an itinerary herself which doesn't involve me going to her place anymore.

I completely understand if she's not ready (obviously), but I really feel like this is bait and switch after I've gone out and spent 100s of dollars like an idiot. I don't think I'm going to call things off with her (because I still kind of like her and trust her judgement), but whatever her reason, should she have been upfront about it- correct? Am I acting like a child to be a bit upset here? I'm in half a mind to send her a Venmo request. We have some social circle in common, so this is definitely not some scam- to be very clear.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

It's understandable to feel upset and frustrated about the change in plans, especially after you have already spent a significant amount of money on travel expenses. It's important to communicate with your partner about how you're feeling and express your concerns in a calm and respectful manner.

It's possible that your partner may be feeling nervous or unsure about having you stay at her place, and may have changed the plans as a result. However, it's important for her to communicate her feelings and concerns with you in a clear and upfront manner. If she is not ready for intimacy or for you to stay at her place, it's important for her to express this to you in a respectful and honest way.

It's important to approach the situation with empathy and understanding, while also setting clear boundaries and expectations for the relationship. If you're feeling upset or frustrated, it's important to communicate this to your partner and work together to find a solution that works for both of you.

Sending a Venmo request as a form of retribution is not a constructive way to handle the situation and could potentially damage the relationship. Instead, it's important to have an open and honest conversation with your partner and work together to find a resolution that is respectful and fair to both parties.

OlderAndWiser · Accepted Answer

No Venmo request. Go and spend time with her. At some point, say to her, "On the phone, you led me to believe that you wanted to become intimate and then you changed the plans without discussing it with me first. I understand that you may not feel ready for this to become physical, and that is acceptable. I understand. I don't know whether you felt that you couldn't talk to me, or you didn't need to talk to me about it, and that part is not acceptable. If we are spending time together with the hope of possibly developing a relationship, then trust and communication are essentials. We are new together, so maybe you weren't sure, but if you had tried to talk to me, I would have been understanding and reasonable with you. . . so I hope the next time something arises, your first thought will be to discuss it with me so we can make a decision together."

Dinklex3 · Accepted Answer

Bait and switch?

Are you her customer paying for a service or her boyfriend/interest 😂

Are you going to only be intimate at her place or are you going to spend time with her?
When she mentioned you coming over she probably did have every intent of allowing you to do so. But as dates get closer people get anxious and have second thoughts. She probably wants to play things safe now. I do think it’s pretty childish to be upset over that, but if that’s how you feel, that’s how you feel.

If you do ask her to Venmo you over it, that’ll make your intentions pretty clear. Makes it seem like since you think sex is off the table, she’s not worth spending time with and you want retribution.

DizzyDesii · Accepted Answer

I dont really see where she did anything wrong but i hope you guys are gonna hangout for multiple days at places besides a bar. Like it wouldn't have been smart to invite you straight to the house. A public place works first and if things go great then she may take you home. I did the same in a previous LDR where we dated 3 months then he met me at a public place since his fam cockblocked us from getting a hotel together. On our next date, he then spent the week at my place. So i’m sure you’ll make it to her place eventually

Askincuzimnosey · Answer

Let me be honest... you probably said something that made her think.

These days women are subject to scams, catfish, kidnapping and rape.

She probably likes you, but wouldn't it be better to get to know her where SHE feels comfortable? Maybe she's nervous or something.

Don't jump to conclusions and assume. And for the love of sunshine, DO NOT SEND HER A VENMO REQUEST!! You will be blocked and ghosted asap. Put yourself in the reverse situation.

It costs money to date... for BOTH sides. Making it about money makes it prostitution. If that's the case save your money and get yourself a local pro.

Iron_Man · Answer

You’ve already bought the airline ticket just go

In_Trance · Answer

LDR is a complete fairy tale. Especially if you hadn't spent any time together before the distance became a factor

Anonymous · Answer

Were i you, id go, Enjoy my self, and then ghost her.

WhitneySnow · Answer

She’s not ready to be intimate yet

Anonymous · Answer

LDRs rarely work. Live and learn.

Bait and switch after making concrete plans to travel long-distance and visit?

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