What’s wrong with me that he would put no effort in?

[Anonymous]

When I met my boyfriend, he was very keen and excited in me. He’s never taken me on dates as he’s broke, so I’ve had fun planning things.

but for my birthday, I booked a little trip and invited boyfriend along. Booked a cheap hotel which we were splitting the cost. He didn’t help me with any of the planning though, it was all on me still.

the day before, he told me he felt unwell and preferred if he didn’t go on the trip. I was disappointed and felt he didn’t care. I told him I was fed up of his lack of effort in general.

the next day, he felt better so I went to his house for the weekend. He lived in the spare room of his mates house as a lodger. When I arrived, I went upstairs to drop of my things and ended up talking to my boyfriend for a while upstairs and in that time, his mate and his mates wife had left for their day out. My boyfriend told me I looked rude, and texted on my behalf to apologise for me not coming to say hello.

I felt a bit sad and embarrassed, and ashamed. I opened my present from boyfriend to find it was a sexual gift. No card or anything and I felt my heart sink and felt a bit panicky. He hadn’t asked me if this was something I wanted.

then we went to a cafe which he booked, but he didn’t offer to pay. We usually split everything but I thought maybe for my birthday, he would have bought my sandwich.

the rest of the weekend he was grumpy with me. I dropped him off at 6am at his place of work and he was in a foul mood. I cried in the carpark, I don’t know what’s wrong with me

[PizzaDaddyo]

I agree with the others! It’s not a matter of what wrong with you. Stop wit that because we are all not perfect and assuming there is wrong with yourself put you in a negative mind state and if you think negative or negativity you will act negatively towards being negative. You are a perfectly imperfect human being with artistic thoughts and beautiful feelings! Blame is such a subjective and sensitive word; don’t blame yourself for trying new things and seeing what the guy is like, blame yourself for staying around this dude but, don’t beat yourself up! Blame him for being a shity boyfriend because you blame yourself that you’re not fucking around with how this man treats you. This is perfectly normal. How I see it, you learned about what standards you are looking for in a man and by seeing what this guy has to offer you learned and it sounds like close to nothing he has to offer but sex on his mind, smh. Yes you’ve learn more about him but, diving a bit deeper you’re learning more about yourself! Now you know what you are looking for in a man and what to avoid and won’t settle for anything like the last. I think it’s great how you at least mentioned this to us online because we’re here to help! I personally don’t think your asking for much at all, you need someone who takes action, who is responsible, and isn’t a perve. I’m not telling you to break up with your mans but, in order for this to work and continue HE MUST KNOW exactly what you’re looking for (previously bolded) isn’t him, or something like, you liked him at first but, you’re in need of a mature adult. Lol even if I worked at a Burger King if my girl asked me to stay with her in a hotel I would still offer to pay at least half of (she brought it up and if I brought it up I’m buying!) and I would be so excited to bring burgers from Burger King with us so you don’t get hungry 😉


Long story short, you’re mature and matured during this relationship. He just wasn’t really ready for something real and hasn’t matured enough to balance his finances, living situation, relationships, and sexual desires. Still can’t believe he got you a sex toy in the midst of all this; valid sign of how he thinks.

[Asker]

Oh by the way he’s never initiated sex though, he says he prefers cuddles but I initiate it instead. So it’s not felt all about sex at all so I was surprised by the sex toy gift

[Lionman95]

I would say the only thing that might be wrong with you is your choice in men. The problem is that the guy you´re dating is broke and has also no eyes for you. He´s probably self-centered and has his own problems so that he can´t see your point.
For him the relationship might deliver since if he has a problem he can ask you for help but it doesn´t sound like it´s really health for you.
He surely was happy to be able to date you at the beginning and probably also is still. But it could be that he has personal problems and uses you for himself as an excuse that there is no need to work on them since he found a girlfriend nevertheless.
It therefore might sound rude or hard but to me your situation doesn´t sound like a healthy relationship.

[MysticAngel5000]

This guy is not boyfriend material. He won't pay because he's broke. He doesn't help plan anything. You are in a one-sided relationship. He needs to get a job, KEEP said job and manage his money. If he's going to be in a relationship, he needs to realize it's a two-way street. He needs to be putting in effort just like his partner. He doesn't have to plan fancy trips or buy expensive gifts - little things mean way more than material things. But, in this case, he isn't even making you a handmade card or writing a note/letter for your birthday. He couldn't be bothered to do that? Why?

Actions speak louder than words. His housemates can say whatever they want. They can say he gushes about you and talks about you all the time. But what is being said? How are his actions matching those words? Sure, he might call you beautiful, but is he treating you with respect and putting in equal effort in the relationship? No. You are doing all the work.

I would have an honest talk with him. Tell him you aren't really feeling very appreciated because it seems that you are always the one putting in any effort. Let him know how you feel. Tell him that you'd appreciate it if he put in a bit more effort. Make sure he knows you don't want or expect fancy or expensive things. Just tell him you'd appreciate if he paid for your food every now and then or took the time to plan something. If he gets angry, that certainly shows his true colors.

Unless he changes, I don't think this is an ideal long-term relationship. You deserve better. You deserve someone who is just as invested in and committed to the relationship as you are. You deserve someone who is going to put in effort. You don't deserve being stuck in a one-sided relationship with a selfish person.

[Asker]

But will he be selfish with all his relationships or just with me, I’m confused. Like I see it as not being worth investing in. His ex girlfriends got better treatment than this. I feel like even his friends he talks about the things they do for him e. g. he lives in his mates spare room and pays rent but recently has stopped washing thr dishes after dinner because he said they don’t ask him anymore. He’s also ranted on about how his mate said he would help him get a job when he newly immigrated here but he had to apply himself in the end. Oh I forgot to mention.
, I met boyfriend a few weeks after he moved to this country

[MysticAngel5000]

He definitely needs to go. It doesn't matter what his next girlfriend is like. Hopefully he does treat her better. And no worries - you'll find a better man who treats you as you deserve to be treated.

[Asker]

It just feels like something wrong with me. Every man I date starts out nice and all green flags, everyone loves them and poof they start treating me like this. I must be the problem.

Is the sex toy gift an appropriate first gift for a girl. He hadn’t asked me about it before hand

[MysticAngel5000]

It definitely isn't you necessarily. That's how it was with my ex-finace. I thought he was it. Everyone thought he was it. My family loved him, his loved me. It started off absolutely perfect. Then it all went to absolute hell. He started hiding thing, lying, blaming me for everything, picking petty arguments, being unreasonably jealous of ridiculous things (even my cat). He went so far as to put his hands on me once when I was trying to leave and he didn't want me to. It was a complete 360. It was really hard to face the truth, but looking back, I am so glad everything went down BEFORE we actually got married. A divorce would have been so much harder and more expensive to deal with.

With your situation, where are you typically meeting these guys? Make it clear up front what you are expecting and make it clear what you are and aren't willing to accept. Then stick to those guidelines and boundaries. Don't be afraid to cut someone out. You will find your person eventually. Don't necessarily seek someone out. Just let it happen naturally. A lot of times, we end up finding someone in the most bizarre ways when we aren't even looking for anyone.

No, the sex toy was not an appropriate first-time gift for someone. That needs to be discussed beforehand to ensure the other person would be comfortable with receiving such a gift.

[SeriouslyFunny00]

As a woman, it is not your role to do all of these. You don't even need to do so much with the right guy.

There's nothing wrong with you, he's the problem. He clearly doesn't value you making this relationship work and he doesn't deserve it. 🤧 You need to find a nice gentleman who will care for you. I'm sure there's someone out there waiting for you.

[Asker]

But he’s a serial dater and even the girls before him have posts of when they were together on their instagrams with captions like ‘he always spoils me.’ I’ve never been spoilt once, I don’t understand. he makes jokes I’m his sugar mommy and he hopes I get a better job soon (I’m job hunting for higher role) as he ‘would indirectly benefit from that 😉 I know he’s joking but is there a chance him knowing that I’m financially secure and he is not prevents him from putting the effort in. I’ve honestly never been treated by a man, this is the most I ever have :( maybe I’m not relationshipmaterial

[SeriouslyFunny00]

He's not joking. Clearly he's taking advantage of you, miss.

RUN from him. You are still young. You can replace this kind of boy ANYTIME. Believe me, you can find better than someone better, someone who can be a real man.

[SeriouslyFunny00]

*you can find someone better 😀

[Asker]

He is just the most handsome charming man ever. Everyone adores him and he has 100s of friends. He wants to be an actor. he is the only man who has ever been supportive to me and consistent and giving me this attention. We click on many levels and our conversations are amazing

[SeriouslyFunny00]

I have to be very honest with you.. Looks are shallow, if you want to be his sugar mommy then I won't stop you sis. But don't come here asking "why is he taking advantage of me?" in the future. You know deep inside that there's something wrong.

[Asker]

He’s always complimenting my body, he says he is a low libido man though so I don’t think he’s being shallow? But then I worry that I don’t have a good enough personality, I have an anxiety disorder which means I’m quite a nervous person. He’s always telling me to chill out as I kinda worry about things. So maybe I’m just not dating material

[SeriouslyFunny00]

What's your personality like? :)

[Asker]

I’m friendly, in the early days I felt so comfortable and so I’m witty and funny. Like I mentioned I’m slightly anxious and that manifests in me being slightly bossy. But I mean well, but lately the way he is makes me feel more anxious so I’m less Witt and have a bit of social anxiety. I’m very caring and supportive. I do have mood swings with my hormones sometimes but I’m not argumentative, I never do anything toxic. I’m quite flirty too

[SeriouslyFunny00]

Then I don't see anything wrong with you! <3 You're a relationship material. Of course, we get anxious sometimes (it's part of being human). Just be confident enough and know your worth, girl. You have so much to offer. Just remember you don't deserve guys who doesn't treat you well.

[Asker]

I just don’t understand. In the beginning he was so so keen on me apart from not planning dates. But he did everything else right. It was so perfect, he told me he’s so lucky and that I’m the most beautiful woman he’s dated. I don’t understand how things can change, I do feel I’ve ruined it. Maybe I shouldn’t have planned dates, I’m so stupid and then things would have worked out

[SeriouslyFunny00]

Some people are just good in the beginning. If he ain't consistent, do not be afraid to lose him. He's not impressing you anymore.

[Asker]

But he’s having a hard time as he wants to be an actor but doesn’t know where to start and his current job doesn’t pay much. He’s unhappy. I feel like it’s right person wrong time, he promises me he wants to treat me when he has the means to do so. ‘In due time’ he says, which is his response to everything. I even asked if we can go for cocktails and out dancing and he said in due time.

[SeriouslyFunny00]

The question is how long can you wait for him to build his career? or should you even wait for him? I understand his situation, but time is running for you as well. All of what he said are just words, no actions. What if you have other guys interested in you, that are ready to treat you right? Think about yourself too sis, if you're still happy in this situation.. :)

[Asker]

Haha I’ve never had another man interested in me. I’m 28 and this is the most I’ve ever had

[In_Trance]

Did you indicate at anytime you wanted or needed help planning the trip?
The next day you tell him your fed up; what other concerns had you expressed prior to this?
Do people normally discuss gifts beforehand? Had you discussed whatever it was and expressed interest? You must have or he wouldn't have gifted it
Did you discuss who or how the bill would be paid?


Seems like communication is lacking on your part here.
People are not mind readers. It creates resentment, unknown expectations and... well it turns into exactly what you have.

[Asker]

Yes I had told him i needed help with planning and that I was stressed doing it.

No I had never mentioned I wanted a sex toy. In fact when he joked when we’re in a shopping mall he was going to get me one, I told him I would prefer chocolate or flowers.

We always split the bill but I thought for once he might treat me. It was only 10 $ as I chose cheap things on the menu as I felt bad.

I have communicated, I sat down and said I felt I did everything and would appreciate him taking the initiative. He gave an excuse that as he’s new here he doesn’t know what is around, but promises he will take me on a date when he has more money. That was 2 months ago so I brought it up again ‘you know, I would really appreciate you planning something soon’ and he sighed

[In_Trance]

Clearly you don't communicate well.
If you don't have that, what do you have? What are you even doing?
What is your endgame here?

[Asker]

I try to communicate, but it’s like he puts walls up, he seems to believe an argument means it’s all over. But when I address a need like him not being on his phone so much around me and paying more attention to me, I was instantly called manipulative and compared to his manipaultive ex. The other day I spoke out about something he said that upset me, and he cried and said I didn’t know how hard his life is. I asked asked him one day if he was annoyed with me as he was being off, his response was ‘yes and asking me that is annoying.’ I said I need to chat more and he just kinda just blocks me out

[In_Trance]

If that isn't clear to you, I'm not sure anything else will be.

[Asker]

You mean his behaviour? I’m trying to communicate I really am, but I don’t know what’s wrong with me

[In_Trance]

SMH... sure you're trying. Be he doesn't want to. For whatever reason.
Maybe it's something that was done or said, or both. But he isn't doing it.
You either accept it, or you decide this isn't working and you move on. You can't control other people.

[Asker]

He’s done it from the start, never planned dates. He newly immigrated here, and downloaded tinder. Met me on there, seemed keen but no dates. He’s very broke and wants to be an actor but works late shift in a factory. But tells me he will ‘in due time’ he keeps saying. He gets scared I will leave him, and reassured me everything is good between us

[In_Trance]

This is turning into a bigger shit show with everything you say.
But as long as you're happy; you do you.

[OfMiceandMen]

There is nothing wrong with you. Even if he doesn't make much money, he has to eat. He can make a picnic and take you to the park. Cards are also easy to make.

You sound like a great women and if he's going to take his inadequacies out on you then he's being selfish.

[strateguy632]

from the story "nothing is wrong with you" you made the effort to plan stuff, and "not saying hello to strangers" is no big deal, they were strangers while you were with your guy. if you love him you have put up wwith lots, but dont blame yourself. some guys just dont get that they should "put thought" into the gifts they send.

[Finchie40]

There is nothing wrong with you , you are just wrong for dating someone that only thinks about himself ,, that’s why you are upset and sad , you are wasting your time with a selfish person , that relationship isn’t going to last long unless you like being with someone that only thinks of themselves , so something you might want to reconsider

[SirJohn42]

Get rid of this blood sucking leech. You deserve better. He sounds like a loser. If he makes you pay for evwrything. He is not making an effort to pay half. he's got no idea to treat you right.
Tge fact he is leeching off a married couple is just horrible.
Find a guy who can help support you not the other way around.

[Asker]

I don’t have to pay for everything we split everything, I just thought for once he might buy me a coffee etc, as sometimes I do that for him

[SirJohn42]

He should of made your day special. The fact he refuse to pay on that day is not cool.

[RavVid]

I think what is wrong with you is that you have a bum boyfriend. There is a lot of criticism of girls having highly excessive expectations of men. But it seems you have highly excessively low expectations.

Upgrade.

[Asker]

He’s always been quite nice to me. When we met, he told me I had dated shitty guys in the past ‘not saying I’m perfect but I’m more understanding.’ He said ‘I don’t know If you know this, but I’m a nice guy.’ And he is so so sweet and charasmafic. He even told me all his exes are friends with him still and come to him when they are upset or need advice as they know he’s nice and harmless

[RavVid]

If you're happy with him that is all that matters but you seemed to have wanted more than he gave that time.

[DermalPunch]

What's wrong with you is that you need to get with a guy who a) is interested in you b) likes going on trips. You are doing too much. He has devalued you. Go in a trip with your girls. Don't spend on a man like this

[Asker]

He was interested in me though. He was the one to initially pursue me, holding my hand everywhere, giving me forehead kisses, it was electric and warming, I felt so good. Why would he devalue me? Is it my fault and we would still be together if I didn’t plan things?

[DermalPunch]

Well something has changed. Or he is passive-agressive and didn't want to go on the trip. I had one of those. They are difficult.

[Asker]

He immigrated here and was initially excited and met me and said things were wonderful. Recently I’ve noticed seeming unhappy, I know he’s stressed about money etc and not where he wants to be in life. Maybe it’s nothing to do with me?

[DermalPunch]

Immigrants from where?

[Asker]

I don’t want to say on here but will tell on a message

[DermalPunch]

I don't message. Anyway, find a way to communicate is the best advice I can give.

[Asker]

Does it mean I’m not attractive? I try and communicate but I feel that if I speak my thoughts, I will get dumped. Because that’s my experience. I love him and no one loves me back

[DermalPunch]

Well, you have to workforce your self-worth. He does this to take his frustrations out on you.

[Asker]

I had strong self worth. When I met him I felt a strong and confident woman. And then as I, dating him I feel like I’m dull. Why would he take his frustration out on me? I’m only good to him. Up his exes before me got treated well I don’t know why he’s using me

[DermalPunch]

You que being emotionally abuse. d

[Asker]

Really? Like he’s a narcisssit or something. Or is he just having a hard time and it’s just inevitable someone would take it out on me

[Uenvy694u]

Sounds 2 me its time for u 2 move on. Reason being u can find somebody 2 treat u right. I think he's more in 2 pleasing himself than u. A good relationship is one of trust and understanding each other needs. Wish u the best of luck.

[Anemone978]

Don't date broke guys, if they have no motivation to work hard and get themselves sorted they will never work hard for you.. FACTS!

[WanderingLoveWizard]

Sounds like your boyfriend and my girlfriend are perfect for each other. We can do a swap and solve everyone's problems

[WanderingLoveWizard]

I can take care of you, take you out and buy you stuff on your birthday, and they can just sit around and not give a shit together

[ImalwaysrightOK]

You do realize that you need to dump this guy and look for one that actually wants to spend time with you, right?

[Asker]

He always wants to see me though. He calls me beautiful all the time and shows me off to his friends. His housemates say that he talks about me all the time and is gushing over me all the time.

[ImalwaysrightOK]

He is inconsiderate, selfish and thoughtless. Actions speak louder than words.

[Asker]

Does it mean he’s not even attracted to me? I do so much for him, I thought he really liked me. Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me. Is a sex toy an appropriate gift at 3 months dating

[ImalwaysrightOK]

Like I said, the only thing wrong with you is the guy you picked. Sex toy is not a birthday gift. It was all about him. He could have gone with you out of town. He doesn't even buy you dinner. He's lazy and selfish. He only wants you around so he isn't alone and to get sex. Probably nobody else would tolerate him.

[Asker]

He never initiates sex though, said he’s a lower libido man. But I don’t know if he’s saying that as a way to hide he’s using me? I joked the other day he only wanted me for my body, he sighed and rolled his eyes and didn’t deny it

[Asker]

He seemed to adore me when we met. Always holding my hand, forehead kisses. There was just this amazing spark

[DaddyDiablo]

Nothings wrong with you there's just shit going on for your man to be acting like a fool and shit lol

[Asker]

He’s the mos tbeuatiful man I’ve ever met, I know I’ll never find anyone else like him

[DaddyDiablo]

Looks aren't important truthfully speaking lol it's really everything else that's not so much on looks lol my girlfriend is beyond gorgeous and I'm not really the best looking but God damn does she make me feel all crazy like being on a roller-coaster ride n shit but now a days I don't know I don't know what to feel and think due to personal reasons n stuff... just don't hold onto looks so such cuz the prettiest person or whatever will still be the worst of persons

[Asker]

It’s not just looks. It’s his personality. He’s the chattiest man I’ve ever met, he’s very in touch with his emotions, he has the most amazing conversations and he’s gentle and on the whole very kind. I’m demisexual too so it’s not about looks, it’s our connection that’s amazing. I thought I was asexual before him, I felt so repulsed by all men

[Gloree]

dump that stupid guy and go your way. I don't know why people refuse to value themselves. why date a man who cannot take care of you? that's a disgrace.

[Jamie05rhs]

That doesn't sound like much of a boyfriend to me.
Why are you even with him?

[Asker]

He is the only man who my body has responded to physically. I thought I was asexual and for the first time, I feel comfortable to be sexual, I feel strong desire and I know he’s had a hard time moving countries recently so I’m just being patient

[Jamie05rhs]

Lol. That's not a very good reason to be with someone.
I mean, unless sex is your main priority. But if so, I would just forget about the other stuff and learn to be content with the sex. I don't think this guy is ever going to improve in the other areas.

[EaterPeter]

All romantic relationships comes to this point soon enough.

[Asker]

That’s true in some sense, but you still enter a loving partnership where you do things togetehr like holidays and trips. I rarely even see my boyfriend and it’s only been a few months

[itsalyssaagain]

He’s not good for you.

[mommymommymommy]

Sounds like he got used to it

[Asker]

What do you mean?

[mommymommymommy]

He got comfortable

[Asker]

Why does this always happen with men. Initially they are chasing me, they are so keen, calling me beautiful and things are so wonderful. Then they pull away, despite me not changing and being me. They no longer seem keen, leave me and end up dating someone less attractive and end up marrying them etc… not to sound vain as I’m sure they are lovely women, but it’s a pattern. I don’t know why men don’t fall in love with me

[mommymommymommy]

People get comfortable, when there's no change

[Asker]

I mean I was still the nice person I was at the start. I was pushing for change, for fun things for us to do, personal growth etc. I’m bubbly and energetic. He just wants to stay in and play video games and when I ask for dates, all he says is ‘in due time’

[mommymommymommy]

Give him the space then.

If he doesn't do it soon, you'll need to make a decision

I personally wouldn't put up with that though

[Asker]

Could it be right person wrong time? Since he is broke and living in his mates spare room, isn’t where he wants to be at age 31. I don’t know if I’m intimidating as I have my own car, own house, good career and stable financially and he has none of that? He calls me ‘boss lady.’ He acts all weak and emotional around me and isn’t very masculine. I like him a lot. Why do men often dump me and then move on to someone less attractive, not to be vain. Some of my exes have moved onto some very strange looking girls. I’m sure they are lovely

[mommymommymommy]

You've said that twice now

[serious_miss419]

He’s a Debbie downer. Byeeeeeeee

[RosyBeak100]

Sounds like a situationship.

[Asker]

What’s that? It’s a relationship. I’m keen on him and want to put in the work

[RosyBeak100]

You’re “keen” on him? Define this for me please

[Asker]

I find him funny and in the beginning he was so caring. He’s witty and affectionate. I like him and I plan dates and do a lot for him.

[RosyBeak100]

A woman is never gonna keep a man around by doing “dates”. It’s a man’s call to commit or not to commit. Women can’t make that choice for men.

[RosyBeak100]

Don’t take it personal, it’s a fact

[Asker]

Does it mean I’m not attractive. This man super liked me, told me he fancied me so so much. Told me I was more attractive than anyone he’s ever dated and he’s so so lucky. So I thought maybe I was actually liked. I only planned the dates because I felt comfortable and that he liked me, so I booked us to go camping, walks, cooked for him etc

[RosyBeak100]

Your definition of a man sounds like a unicorn out of a Disney princess movie

[Luckycharms12]

Why are you with him

[Asker]

He’s very handsome and he’s charming and very kind when I met him. Everyone loves him. He’s geeky and makes me laugh

[Luckycharms12]

Don't sound happy

[Anonymous]

😆😆😆