Should you let people know your red flags before dating them?

[Anonymous]

What are your thoughts? Do you think it’ll help to see if they’re willing to stay or choose to leave?

[Screenwriter]

I'm not sure if your red flags, what's wrong with you in YOUR mind, will be red flags to someone else.

Telling someone about your flaws sounds like you're poisoning the well before that person has a chance to know you.

Let them get to know at their pace, and let THEM decide what does or doesn't work for them.

But, if on the other hand you're talking about what YOU THINK are red flags in another person is what you mean, again, if you see such red flags in a person you're dating, it's up to you to decide if one isn't going to be the end-all, and three mean it's kaput.

Do you announce that you won't accept a list of behaviors before you go out? Or just let the person be themselves and decide AFTER you see worrying actions?

I wouldn't jump the gun. Take it easy and enjoy yourself unless the person does something outrageous, in your opinion. Then call it a day. You don't have to go into extensive detail about why there won't be a second, third or fifth date. Apologize and say you aren't suited and move on.

[Biancam13]

This is also true!!

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend knew all my flaws prior to us dating but he knew a lot of my strengths too. We had a mutual friend who tried to drag who I was as a person. I’m sure a lot of people probably believed the other guy since he is extremely charismatic and likable, but luckily a few people (including my boyfriend) saw through it. Granted my boyfriend witnessed a lot of the bad behaviors and saw the way the other person talked to me in comparison to how I acted. That whole debacle was a fine showcase for every red flag I had to serve up tho and a lot of my positive qualities too. It kind of showed off some of my boyfriend’s as well but we are both better for it

[JustMeQ2]

In theory, it's good to show your red flags in the beginning ( especially if you are working on them ). People say they want honesty in communication, but in practice, they give you possible deniability answers when put to the test.


From my experience, people want to evade an honest conversation if it means it could damage their relationship. To them, it's more important to save face so they can still have you around in the future for something else.


People do this for little things too.


If they do this for little things, why would they show their red flags in dating?
Especially if they think they have a “catch”.


When implementing honesty on a date with this kind of person you get either laughed at or evaded because you are not doing the same as them.


Too few people value honesty, sadly.

[Constatine]

Uhm?

What a is a red flag to me does not mean other other see it exactly that way.

He : " uhm I like to cheat on girls.. Uh yeah"

She : " that's OK... I cheat on men."

He : " oh great... But uhm I also like to hurt them... Beating them up"

She : " lol who cute... I like to cut off men's penis..."

He : " woow we are the prefect couple... Like to go out with me?"

She : " oh yes I love too.."

And they lived happily ever after.. 😄

OK I'm sorry.. But dating is supposed to be so we can find the true nature of the person you like right... Let's not spoil that 🤣😂

[ManOnFire]

That's assuming a person is even aware of their own red flags.

[CoolCatMar1]

Exactly

[Biancam13]

True. Most people aren't amazingly self-aware.

[ManOnFire]

@Biancam13 Yes, they really are not. Most of us will find out things about ourselves in very rude awakenings, even through embarrassment at times.

[Biancam13]

I agree

[Biancam13]

I've recently found out how stubborn I am. It's good when you find out though, it means you can now grow and be better!

[whirled_up_girl]

@ManOnFire I was thinking the same thing.

[Avicenna]

Might depend on what they are. I make sure a woman knows upfront that I have kids, to give one example.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I’d prefer them to know.

[CaptainOverthink]

If you truly are looking to change or improve and is willing to actually go outside the comfortzone to do that then, yes. Tell them you are working on your flaws.

If not then, well, it's not the worst or the best thing to do, it depends on the thing.
The fact that you are thinking about it is probably a good sign, though.

[Asker]

Honestly, being single is the best for me.

[CaptainOverthink]

Only you can know that. And only you can know how often you've told yourself that.

We have a whole lifetime to fail doing things and trying to get somewhere in life. The pain of the moment is never stronger than the harsh echoes of a past never lived.
There's no point giving up if there's even a slight chance. And even if in the end you still end up like that, at least you will have known that you tried and the adventure of discovering oneself on the road was worth it.

We're all just living lives for the moment and soon it'll be over, life may not be short but time in the sun sure is, if always seeking the shade.

[Asker]

I told that to myself a lot, and it’s true. I’m just not in a good place.

[CaptainOverthink]

Sadly but truly, the only way through is to keep pushing to get out. Trying takes many forms and it can be hard to know on which side of the line one is.
But being in a bad place is not an obsticle, it's your fuel. Once you make it a habit to put things behind you, the past will just be exhaust on the road to someplace else.

We are not who we were and we are not all those negative thoughts bubbling up ontop.
All we are is our actions, our direction in life and our grit and willingness to wade through every mess of the mind.

One day at the time.

[HippoDino]

It could be good if both people reveal those red flags after just meeting and moving on if either one finds one of those flags to be a deal breaker. Maybe hold off on it if you meet a guy in person and aren't just swiping on hundreds of tinder profiles trying to filter people out.

[moconnell]

no, i say figure it out as you go along. you're never gonna know if the relationship could work if they just tell you all their red flags. if you're dating someone based off their red flags, you're not dating them because you think you could love them

[ZackBan]

I won't deliberately hide them but I also won't lead with them.

When you just meet someone they have no reason to wanna keep seeing you if you don't show the positive first.

We all have negative qualities but the reason someone puts up with us is because they accept that our positive is worth more.

[bowenw]

I think different people have different ideas of what constitutes a red flag, so I wouldn't make a point of it unless they asked about things that are red flags to them. For example, some people may think it's a red flag to be a cheapskate while others may not.

[Flatmanlewis]

No. In fact I’d say if you are able to identify any toxic traits you possess then rather than even try and have a relationship just focus on addressing those. 100% this was the best advice I was ever given and had nothing but positive outcomes.

[Asker]

It’s why I’m pushing the idea of relationships away for as long as I can. I’m in a terrible place to be with anyone.

[Marklaw12]

Yes if you don't want to deal with BS.

No, if you don't want to scare them away. Every relationship is about sacrificing habits, things that you usually do cos you need to accommodate your partner. You both sacrifice something.

One little thing that does my head in is toothpaste being pressed in the middle, I do it from the bottom upwards. I've learnt how to live with it.

[Asker]

You would not like me because I do it from the middle 😂

[Marklaw12]

:-D 😂

[DeeDeeDeVour]

If there is no chance to let anyone know before the first date, are people supposed to text or DM a list of red flags before that first date happens?

The list might be a turn off and prompt cancellation of the first date.

[Asker]

I wouldn’t do that. But, I wouldn’t accept the date in the first place.

[jojoisaskingyou]

Logically it makes sense. But I don't know how practical it is. Everyone has red flags right? But if you love someone, sometimes it's easy to look past those red flags. If you tell someone your red flags immediately you're not allowing time for love to blossom.

[scooogy]

A female friend of mine often receives voice messages which she doesn't even listen to anymore, because whenever I do announce that I'm upset about something, you can almost safely bet on me getting quite loud at some point, even if vowing not to.

[Biancam13]

I would. But I'm not sure that I would be introspective or self-aware enough of all my flaws. I know some of them, which I learnt I possess from past relationship experience. But I'm sure there are more.

[strateguy632]

for the sake of the relationship stay silent unless they ask about the issue. i don't mean hiding std, knowingly spread, i mean character red flags.

[Asker]

Well, I am pretty toxic. I think they have the right to know so they can save themselves.

[devilish-cutie]

No, cause we may be judgy but when we really get to know the person might be more willing to accept it

[blueonblack22]

You say this as if you are powerless to improve yourself and have no self control over your shortcomings.

[Asker]

Good thing I’m single and staying that way.

[blueonblack22]

Well suite yourself. But I accepted a long time ago that there are things I have to improve about myself to become more attractive to the opposite to the other gender. Often not fair but it’s how it is. And I DO have the capacity to improve myself. Making excuses for it is just a cop out.

Men don’t have the luxury of saying “oh the right one will come along and accept me for who I am”. We don’t get that privilege.

But the privilege woman have on this isn’t limitless either. The “wiggle room” women enjoy on what men tolerate nowadays unfortunately makes too many women think they don’t have to change and improve anything.

But if you want to be single then suit yourself.

[Asker]

Why is it that when I ask a certain question, someone ALWAYS has to do the men vs women crap? Like, why? Just why?

[Asker]

LITERALLY no one in the comments didn’t mention anything about that. They stayed on topic. None of this men vs women. I just want to know why you had to say that.

[blueonblack22]

It’s because no man could ever get away with saying on a first date “I got these personality quirks. I got these problems. How can I find a decent woman to accept me for who I am”. He would only get leeway if the woman was already very attracted to him (most women aren’t on a first date. Also unless the guy is extremely exceptional in some other way (rich, famous, talented entertainer) he can never realistically expect a woman to accept if he continues on as he is.

Most dating advice towards men nowadays always has something about where he has to “man up” and improve himself. He’s got to dress better. He’s got to get in better shape. He’s got to work on his personality (being more extroverted/funny). He’s got to control himself when women test him. Etc.

Women have a huge advantage over men when it comes to dating when all else is equal. Especially in the early stages. It’s like a job interview where the woman is the employer. He’s got to put on his best face while she gets to question and prod him if he wants the job.

I don’t see this ever changing. But I just wish more women would acknowledge this privilege.

[Asker]

Then start doing the same thing to women.

[Asker]

Treat dates like interviews.

[Asker]

Treat women how they treat men. I don’t know why men don’t do this.

[blueonblack22]

Again it’s because we have fewer options when all else is equal. It also has to do with hypergamy (women compete over top tier guys who are out out their league).

At the end of the day you are entitled to your equivalent. No better no worse. But that’s not how it works with female dating preferences.

It’s not fair to men but I know complaining doesn’t solve anything. But realize that the vast majority of men can’t even consider thinking “should I bring up my red flags on a first date” if he’s trying to date someone in his league.

Women reject faster too. It’s important that someone understands the context of the red flag. For example a recovering addict might be generally okay when it comes to the vice they used to struggle with. But women would be less tolerant of a guy who admitted that straight up on a first date vs a woman admitting that to a man.

[Asker]

Well, if that’s the case, maybe it is a good thing I’m staying single.

[lightbulb27]

people just want to feel good and be loved. they don't want negativity and questions and issues.

so no.

But you should be examining them and deciding to make quick decisions

[DevikaButts95]

Knowing your red flags and still kinda keeping them when you know they are red flags is in itself a red flag.

[Asker]

It’s why I’m avoiding dating at all costs.

[DevikaButts95]

Probably just better to fix your red flags than avoid dating at all costs.

[Asker]

It’s going to take me years to fix my red flags.

[Asker]

I’m in a very terrible place to be dating.

[DevikaButts95]

Then start working on fixing your red flags and continue dating.
Remember the Cinema Therapy guys told me in one of their videos.

[Asker]

I’m actually pretty content being single.

[DevikaButts95]

I mean you post a lot about it on here, so it sounds like you're not content with it. I mean, of course, I don't really know, but given your first reply to this, just doesn't seem like it.
Maybe try therapy if you feel stuck like this? It's for everyone, and it really helps. Even if you don't wanna date, losing your known red flags will help you feel better.

[Asker]

Honestly, I don’t want to go to therapy.

[DevikaButts95]

Why so?

[Asker]

I can find ways to help myself.

[DevikaButts95]

But you haven't.
Just cause you can find other ways doesn't mean you should, therapy certainly is an avenue worth exploring.

[Asker]

But, I don’t want therapy. Something like this I can control on my own. Besides, the thought of being in a relationship scares the living shit out of me. It’s the idea I like better and not the real thing.

[Asker]

Let’s say I did end up in a relationship, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. The very moment something goes wrong I would end up ending the relationship.

[DevikaButts95]

But you might need it if you're feeling this way. I'm not your mom so ya know, do whatever I guess but I think it's something you should try, will maybe get you more comfortable with being in a relationship, given you like the idea of it.

[Asker]

I like the idea of it because I think about the good of a relationship. Now, when it comes to like the arguing or disagreements, that’s what turns me off from wanting a relationship.

[Asker]

Truth be told I’m too immature.

[Jazzy54]

Red flags are things that you observe, not necessarily things you have to verbally explain. For example, if you’re a liar and you constantly lie, your partner will pick up on that. No explanation needed.

[Jdodkfndosn]

I wouldn't. People will be on their best behavior for a while. Why let them deceive you during this time? Let them show you who they are so you can drop them quicker if they aren't the right mate

[Jdodkfndosn]

This is why you don't talk about everything your exs did wrong. Every guy takes note of this and makes it a point to try and seem lime they check every box. Eventually though, people get comfortable and stop acting

[Sour-rose]

Nah, fk you. That only means you gonna know more about me, and that's not what you need to know.

[WillowofFeathers]

I think it shows a person’s self awareness and I think that is a green flag

[AaronKrieger]

Sure, since you could end up discussing boundaries or needs for you in a relationship that could turn away some people.

[electromagnetic]

You should not. I know my red flags but my red flags might not be someone else’s red flags about me.

[molonski2]

I wouldn't let them know because I would want to access what would be acceptable or otherwise.

[Starrrboy]

Nah because then you'll appear to be very self critical and putting them above you , asking them to " accept " you despite that.. which is a recipe for disaster lol

[LiamJHayden]

The possible issue I see is that some people are too down on themselves and will say, "I'm toxic." when in reality they just have healthy boundaries that most people have failed to respect.

[Paris13]

No, Keep it a Secret. Feel them Out, Detective. xxoo

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

That's why I like to remain just casual friends and take things slowly because you never know.

[Likes2drive]

It’s good to know up front but some things can be worked on or compromised on. It might even scare them away even if they don’t have many of them because you’ll sound too bossy or strict

[jshm2]

Just don't date Americans, you'll avoid all the "red flags".

[love_conquers_lust]

The ones that you are aware of. It’s important to get acceptance early instead of dreading it so you can be comfortable in your skin.

[CallmeTheKnight]

I’ll let them know my non-negotiables. But red flags are different for everyone and not everything you don’t like is a red flag

[Yannae]

We should but many don't even know about their red flags and others will lie or hide it to get what they want.

[Pacquet]

Maybe, I wouldn’t drop everything on the table but I think showing you’re the type of person that’s willing the grow is better.

[Paul09]

In a way , it's a good idea. In another way, showing all your negatives might not be attractive.

[Asker]

That’s why I rather warn the guy ahead of time before it’s too late. I want him to save himself from wasting his time with me.

[Paul09]

Yes, but what if your positives out weigh your negatives?

[Asker]

To be fair, I’m way too immature. I don’t have the maturity to handle a relationship.

[Paul09]

Lol odd saying that about yourself. But I kinda understand. I myself just don't know how to talk to people and don't know how to trust people. So I guess none of this matters to me. Or shouldn't matter. I do wish I could connect with someone. I hate to lie. So if they would ask, would I tell them all, or just mention the minor ones? I am kinda like adult that loves to act like my young version.

[Charliefretz329]

I try my best to be an open book. But it’s not conducive to start a first date with all the negative shit.


Save that for a bit. But do be open and honest

[elizamichale1]

thats wht i do so later they can't say i didn't tell them before n all

[Dargil]

No, because then they will suppress them until its too late.

[convo_king89]

Ideally yes so you know what your getting into but it’s a bad first impression..

check the gameshow too much baggage with Jerry springer.

[DiegoO]

Hmmm. I think you should mention well your likes and dislikes. Other than that, time will tell.

[AngryCarl2]

I don't see why. I consider myself a normal person. If you want me to do freaky stuff that's your problem.

[milademjay]

if the girl acts like her sh## dont stick then yah I tell her why she's messed up.. Usually the girl wants to keep talking or meet me lol

[Guardian45]

When dating, it's important to establish expectations and boundaries, especially until you get to know each other well

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

I think so. I let my pros and cons known so she doesn't accuse me of nothing.

She's going into a relationship with her eyes open.

[Shiningtempest]

I let people know my red flags & dealbreakers before dating a woman because I don't want to date a woman who isn't similar to me.

[dolemite58]

i can’t tell girls i have a dead prostitute in the trunk of my car, that might ruin the date 🤣

[LivingExample]

Usually people are looking for “Red Flags” in the other person!

[Shy_Steve]

You should mention your biggest Red Flags I think.

[the_kisses_of_sun]

Nah I wouldn't go that far. With time they will learn all my red flags.

[Kristierose]

I told my lady all my secret fantasy and fetishs.. and she loves me even more now

[jjj101010]

Probably not in case they r there and they just hide them

[smjbella]

I mean it would let them know through time or if you trust them enough or if they share there's

[katiesmuff]

Sure would make life easier for sure!

[Monalisa77]

They already know mine😂

[TacosRAwesome]

They'll figure them out.

[exitseven]

No, they would all run like hell,

[Jennz6]

No I don’t think so

[Theodora00]

How they treat the wait staff if they got manners.