Pre-selection: What are the key differences in male and female perspectives on attraction?

[el_Te_de_la_Rosa]

I've often encountered advice from men to younger men that "pre-selection" is a key factor in winning over a woman's affections. However, I disagree with this notion based on my own experiences. If a man is already popular among women, I tend to lose interest. I don't see the point in competing with other women for his attention.

How about "pre-selection" for you, gentlemen? If a woman's got a lot of admirers, it is... ?

[VictorMachiavelli]

I’m not sure whether it’s 100% true.

I think they put the cart before the horse with the idea of pre-selection in some ways. For a man to be popular and wanted by a lot of women he already has to be attractive, therefore women want him because he’s attractive, not because other women want him.

Let’s say a guy who isn’t having much luck with the ladies takes the advice, and decided to go about building pre-selection. In order to get women to want him, he has to do things like dress better, lift weights to get a better physique, improve his social skills. Basically become more attractive.

The only thing that does seem to somewhat confirm it, which I’ve experienced and plenty of other guys mention experiencing, is when we’ll be talking to girls who seem uninterested when we’re single but suddenly start acting interested once we’re in relationships.

My guess is that for those who do become more interested, they enjoy that competition because it feeds their ego, or perhaps they’re a little insecure, They want to feel like they were more attractive than the others, and they want that type of validation.

For men’s attraction to women it makes no difference, and it’s assumed anyway. Every half decent looking woman already has a bunch of men trying to bang her, a woman having lots of men into her is nothing special at all.

[el_Te_de_la_Rosa]

Yes. I agree with this. It's just the appearance that attracts women which is not the core for a strong and healthy relationship. Women don't choose a partner based purely on the look. There are other aspects needed to be considered.

Regarding your mention of insecurities, I partially agree. Consider another scenario: people who flaunt luxury goods may actually have low self-confidence and need competition to feel recognized. Truly wealthy or attractive individuals don't feel compelled to seek validation through these displays, as their worth is already recognized by others. As I mentioned to another member, the theory "Men chase and women choose" is relevant in this context. If women actively pursue men (even through self-promotion), it could potentially diminish their perceived value in some eyes.

[Effably]

To some level I think most people lean on pre-selection. Most of us want others to agree that our partner is good, attractive, great. So on. Of course some like to keep it a secret to themselves but they are less common.

As for men, I think it normally goes no further than it being kind or nice that other guys admit you got a good looking wife/girlfriend/alike. Its not a big deal.

For women I think it is a much bigger deal.
My anecdotal experience marks two very common themes:
1. A guy is never as attractive to women as when he has recently gotten a partner. You can spend years seeing no attention, get a girlfriend and then have half a dozen girls throwing themselves over you. Its such a common phenomena there is obviously something to it.
2. Its not uncommon for women to actually let friends, sometimes family, talk them out of relationships. While this is incredibly rare for men.

So, at least from my view the male/female difference is that to men its a 2/10 importance and to women its a 5/10. Rarely going to decide anything but its not unimportant.

[LazerBean]

I guess it just depends on what kind of pre-selection. I know a lot of boys who were popular among shallow women for shallow reasons. I agree that there is no merit to attraction in that case. I've also known a lot of men who are popular in general because they were good and respectable, and everyone saw it. That's definitely a good reason to be pre-selected.

[Altheavas]

Hard question, if he is too popular, I will loose interest because he is probably full of himself. Same for being too handsome.
Chance of coodeez is probably high too lol. 😂

[el_Te_de_la_Rosa]

Yes. I agree.

[ChicoFromThe305]

Nah I'm the same, personally if she's got competition I won't risk putting in the effort because I see it as a lot of work in something that might not pay off, it's not about the lack of confidence cause I know my worth but it's about being realistic and knowing that there's always someone better out there and I wouldn't see myself putting so much effort and time on someone that's jumping back and forth between people, they either see my worth or they don't, there's plenty of fish in the sea for me to be wasting so much time on someone I have to compete for.

[Flatmanlewis]

I have no real thought about this. I guess in my life most of the women I’ve dated or had relationships were at admired by at least some men, but I think this is the norm for any attractive woman. It wasn’t a factor in my mind at all. I was simply attracted to somebody and gave it a try. Whether other men were also trying wasn’t really in my thought process.

[BadApple69]

This is a interesting question. From your response, I feel you lack some self-confidence. You don't wish to compete.
It's an assumption and probably not an accurate one but a woman or a man that has many admirers from the opposite sex probably has more to offer then other men\women do.
Personally I am very confident and IF (big if) I was interested in a girl no number of male admirers would stop me.

[el_Te_de_la_Rosa]

Yes, my confidence plays a role in my stance on competing with other women. While I may not conform to the stereotypical beauty standards in my country, I've received compliments on my appearance from people of diverse backgrounds, which has boosted my self-esteem. I'm comfortable with who I am, and I don't seek validation from Thai men who don't appreciate my unique qualities. I'm open to exploring relationships with individuals from different cultures, allowing me to connect with people who value my personality and intellect.

However, my aversion to competing with other women stems primarily from my analytical and questioning nature as an INTJ. I'm not easily swayed by popular opinions or social trends, and I find the concept of pre-selection to be superficial and counterproductive. I believe that genuine connections are built on mutual respect, shared interests, and meaningful conversations, not on superficial competition.

I value friendships and sisterhood immensely, and I believe that supporting and empowering other women is far more fulfilling than engaging in a competitive race for male attention. I'd rather invest my time and energy in nurturing genuine female friendships than striving to impress men who may not appreciate my depth and intelligence.

For your perspective, I see it could be that "Men chase". Am I correct?

[BadApple69]

You have said so much here. Much of it I agree with. Although looks should have little to do with confidence. Be confident in the person you are not what you look like. Although I looked at your picture and I think you are a pretty lady.
As for competition, we as humans compete for EVERYTHING! We compete for the best schools, for scholarships, for jobs…. Yes for husbands / wives. Be confident in who you are, compete and win but win with grace, honor and truth. And if you don’t win learn from it and move forward.

[el_Te_de_la_Rosa]

Yes, I agree with you about fighting for the best with grace, honor, and truth. That's why I choose not to exaggerate my appearance through plastic surgery, like many women feel pressured to do nowadays. Truth and honesty are the fundamental elements of self-respect, and seeking attention through lies about self is simply not who I am.

Thank you for your input and nice words. Have a good day, sir.

[Ben487]

highly attractive women usually have admirers but that is in my opinion one of the draw backs with highly attractive women. I would much prefer to find someone that I find highly attractive but is perhaps unconventionally attractive in a way that I don't have to constantly worry about other dudes.

I don't think most women would concur. Guys that have a lot of women admirers seem to just get more and more women.

[Saiesh30]

If you ask in general, people are gonna call her all sorts of stuff (you know what) if she's famous among guys.
To me personally, I'd also lose interest as it'd seem like winning a trophy to impress her and I don't like objectifying women.

[KrakenAttackin]

Pre selection is absolutely a factor. Have you seen the tik toks of women complaining that only women come to singles events? This is because women don't want to date a man who wound actually attend a singles event as this is a man who has no options.

[Jamie05rhs]

Men also don't want to date women who attend singles events. (That's why we don't go to them). Because those women are usually all divorced, single mothers, hos, or any combination of the above.

[KrakenAttackin]

@Jamie05rhs Truth.

[NathanDavis]

smart, interesting and funny... these are my "pre-requisites" only

[DarkWinterNights]

Physical attraction + personality - interest of other men

[ThrillSeeker01]

Yeah, I don't buy it.

[el_Te_de_la_Rosa]

Smart. Not all women are the same. 👍

[ThrillSeeker01]

That's for sure! 🙂

[Jamie05rhs]

I agree. I feel the same way about women.