Do you think I set my bar too high?

[Monalisa77]

I have a certain type of guy i like, thing is, i can't go out with anyone if i dont find them attractive, but then i feel like i need to find someone because otherwise ill be left on my own in the end, i struggle with making friends but i seem to get attention from these guys i like, its just they dont ask me out.

Updates

+1 y

My type is the usual, tall dark and handsome with a nice smile and doesn't smoke

Updates

+1 y

My type is when i initially check them out, obviously i need more to really like them, its just a lot to list here lol

[Fireguy17]

no, you know what you want and are not willing to settle for anything less.
However, by doing that you really tend to narrow the field of people that you are willing to date, and quite possibly those men have standards, and you don't fit their standards so now you are kind of stuck.
All it takes is the right person, but you have to meet them first.
For me it comes down more to their personality vs looks.
Looks change over time, so what would you do if you found someone that fit your standards and you got along great but over the years their looks changed, they put on 20lbs, going bald and then no longer fit your standards?
would you kick them to the curb or stick with them.
the same can be said for women.
As we age things change, so how would you feel if your SO kicked you to the curb because your body changed over time.
It is kind of a slippery slope.
I have dated some women that were smoking hot with zero personality, and I have dated some that for lack of a better term, and I don't mean this to be derogatory but were average looking with such a great personality that to me they were a more beautiful person overall than the ones just based on looks.
And they liked me as well.
Over the years I have found out that I really need to like the person I am with, and that is the bad thing about "standards".
You may be passing up someone that is a really great, smart & a fun person to be with because to you they aren't attractive enough.

[Monalisa77]

No i know that, i just think at the start of dating i need to be attracted to them, but im attracted to a guy whos genuinely nice too, he needs to be sensitive and caring. Basically the complete opposite of my dad lol

[Fireguy17]

There has to something that makes you Hmmm when you first see someone to make you want to go and say hi.
And I totally get the day thing.
I was not looking for another "mother", I already had one. Not saying anything bad about my mom.

[Tren58]

This is a fallacy, to need to ALWAYS be attracted to someone to start dating them. Anyone can literally convince their mind of having a preference of literally anything. Our preferences are all neuropathways developed by habitual thought.

Not only that, but mom has been giving the same argument to me for ages. She’s passed up a lot of good guys that could have been great partners, just because she doesn’t have that “chemistry” for them. She’s 65 now, and she has no choice but to “settle”, because neither her nor them are going to be up to each others standard of looks.

Im not saying your standards are too high or that you need to settle. I’m saying you may want to reevaluate your standards and make a conscious decision to be attracted to other physical features as well.

Also, don’t be too afraid to make the first move. Men don’t always have to be the one to ask a girl out. I was never confident enough to ask a guy out or tell them I was interested. I didn’t get dates and only had a couple short term relationships. I was fed up with it. There was a guy where I said to myself, “that guy, I want that guy”. I got his number and asked him out. He said yes on a whim, because I wasn’t even on his radar. He didn’t even remember that I existed. After our first date, he kept asking me out and here we are still together.

[Monalisa77]

I keep being told irl ita the mans job to ask a girl out

[spartan55]

@Monalisa77
That's not true. Even one of fellow pink users debunks that myth. At this point any woman who says 'it's a man's job to ask a woman out' is just using it as an excuse to avoid rejection.

[Monalisa77]

My hairdresser said it and she has a boyfriend

[Monalisa77]

I worry theyd only say yes out of pity and that theyre not really that interested

[spartan55]

@monalisa
Believe what you want. Women give each other dating advice that's so bad it's comical.
So if a guy asks you out and you say yes, it's not out of pity? How is he supposed to know? That doesn't make any sense.

[caring__1]

People often focus on what they find to be attractive and don't consider what the other person views as attractive. Just because you're drawn to a person, that doesn't mean that person will be drawn to you. It's not a judgment of you, but a statement of their preferences. Just as you want others to respect your preferences, it's also important to respect their preferences... without taking them personally.

Rather than limit yourself to your ideal, discover the types of guys who are drawn to women like you. By associating with that group, you'll find someone will rise out of the crowd and be attractive to you.

Let's say you're attracted to blonds, so you only look at and consider blond guys. You may be overlooking someone who would be an ideal match to you. Ask yourself what the long-term value is in the qualities you seek. Looks fade over time, but a quality connection can actually get stronger over time. Prioritize what is important and what will last over time.

[Monalisa77]

I genuinely dont show im interested in guys unless they initiate something first. Either an interest of touch, smile, staring at me. I dont like falling for guys if there isn't a remote chance they might like me. Sure i check them out but if i think the bar is way too high im not gonna think of them anymore than oh theyre handsome

[Monalisa77]

This is why im wondering if i set it tooo high when these guys i like are flirting with me, and as i said i can't go out with someone im not attracted to

[Monalisa77]

I dont usually like blondes, there was a blonde guy in my course but he was just too blonde (but he was an idiot aswell) i might like gingers but I've not met many

[caring__1]

Do you have a clear understanding of what types of guys appreciate and are desirous of you as you are? If you only show interest in guys who initiate first contact, you'll probably be more likely to choose partners who are extroverted, and you'll overlook the introverts you might be very compatible with. Also, a lot of the guys who initiate first contact are only looking to meet their personal needs and will just be using you.

I understand not choosing to fall for guys who probably won't like you, but don't assume all guys who initiate will be good partners, and all guys who don't initiate will be bad partners. How do you determine if the bar is way to high? Generally, it's only way to high if you're not the type he's open to. You won't be able to tell that just by his appearance.

[caring__1]

You say you're drawn to tall dark and handsome with a nice smile and doesn't smoke. What about sexual orientation or personality or goals or interests? Based on your preferences, you may want to move to Africa. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wer-KTeTnPI

[Monalisa77]

They dont really come into ffactor for me, as long as they dont do anything bad they can like what they like. My preference would be someone who doesn't want kids but we may be able to work around it depending on my health, but anyone who knows me surely knows i dont want kids or can't have them

[Monalisa77]

Im wary about guys in general, i need them to do more than just flirting with me, its jjst due to my circumstances i end up falling for them anyway despite my best efforts not to and no matter how many times i shout about it (to those who know me) noone seems to listen or care

[caring__1]

Just keep your eyes open and discontinue anything that isn't taking you where you want to go. If you can limit some options, you can limit all options. I'm sure you have the ability to say "No." You may find it easier to stay on your path if you take it slowly. By speeding it up, the momentum alone is enough to keep it going. Never assume your choices are out of your control.

[PrincessAlis]

It's ok to have preferences and even requirements. It is your life and your mate. It will make it harder but you want what you want. It isn't easy (if at all possible!) to change who you are attracted to. I

don't rush into a relationship cause it can waste a bunch of time. find someone who is really worth being with.

[Tren58]

I respectfully disagree. I think it’s very valuable to be in relationships with all sorts of people. You don’t know what you do and don’t like until you’ve experienced it. You just have to be strong in knowing when it need to be done and move on.

[PrincessAlis]

@Tren58 Being FRIENDS with all sorts of people is more valuable than DATING them because its a lot easier to see the type of people you would like from friendships than going on dates with someone you don't like looking at and takes less time (and often hurts less) than being in several romantic relationships. I don't believe in dating ONLY on looks but it makes it a lot easier to be attracted to them both physically & mentally at least from the beginning. If you weigh it on just personality or just looks you'll just end up beating yourself up when those things change.

[Monalisa77]

I think talking on the phone /video cslls would be a good way to get to know someone

[sheikalana]

Hmm no you didn't set the bar too high. I've been like you as well I could never go out with someone I don't find attractive and you shouldn't either. Is never too late. I met my husband in my 30s and now we're happily married. Sometimes you need to make the first move.

[AliceM611]

Possibly. You are 35. It's one thing getting a high quality man to sleep with you quite another to get him across the aisle. Maybe aim for a more average Joe guy that's around 40-50.

[Monalisa77]

Thats what i mean i can't go out with someone im not attracted to wouldn't b efair on them i need someone younger or my age

[sheikalana]

@Monalisa77 that's fair.

[ohsheeT]

Well I think you set your bar too low all dark and handsome and doesn't smoke

You should be able to find a guy easy if that's all you're looking for I mean what about confidence what about happiness what about wisdom what about passion desire what about skills what about heart who is on the inside you're missing all the best parts

[Monalisa77]

That was the basics I've got others just cba to list

[Friendlybro79]

I don't know. I think you need to answer a few questions for yourself.

How has the mindset of wanting a certain type of guy been working for you so far?

You say have a physical type but obviously need more than just looks but it's too much to list. So the second question I'd ask you is (no sarcasm)

If someone told you when searching for a boyfriend they have very specific physical requirements for a guy, and a list too long to type out of other things they want in a man, would you think they are setting a bar too high when it comes to finding a boyfriend or girlfriend?

My suggestion is just being brutally honest with yourself. I believe you are the one who knows the answer to this.

[Monalisa77]

I am v sensitive

For instance, from The very young age i would be like every other girl who was into boy bands, famous people etc im a pretty hopeless romqnce, where i just want a happy ever after, like it is in the films. I bought into that as a young age, thinking everything would work out and turn out rosey. I was obsessed with romance stories on tv. It got pretty mental

When i was 11, i hung out with a boy holding hands and went to things like the theatre together

There was the technology assistant in school whom i couldnt look at in the eye. Im sure he knew all the girls fancied him. I remember he was the description of my type

Then there was another boy i hung out with at my cousins place i stayed with when my parents went on holiday. We just talked a lot and had fun together, we seemed to bond pretty quickly.. He was v sweaty 😂😂 he gave me a kiss on the cheek as i left. (i remember it so evidently, everyone told him to do it😂)

[Monalisa77]

Then there was a couple of guys i liked in college with that description, only one was gay and he did smoke, but back then i wasn't as bothered as the smoke as i am now. He was just using me though

After i left college my health started getting bad so i dropped out of everything i did, i found myself pretty isolated. I still went out to play cards, so one time this guy started going, he was mute and didn't introduce himself.. I myself am small for my age,, people are surprised when i tell them. I felt like we were bonding, he would start winding me up and coming up behind me a lot. Our birthdays were even days apart. Ill not say what happened but nothing physical happened, he just stopped coming but it was a very tough life lesson that i learnt. . Aswell as the guy being gay.

Always find out-theyre age, theyre preference and if theyre single.

Then the next guy was the guy in work. I think I've posted about the last 3 guys on here.

All these men were that type i found myself dreaming of being with. Dreaming of a happy ever after.

I truly Believe the right person who understands me, doesn't judge me and listens to me will help me change and grow.

Only my dad really understand s me but he's not perfect. He obviously can't offer what romantic interest s can

I long to feel that touch with men. A guy only has to stroke my hand and i can't cope I've had lots of platonic friendships with all kinds of men where weve been playful but not over stepped the mark. My besties are sll usually men.

[Monalisa77]

I look at other mens faces and i just dont believe id be attracted to them, even if they did try to flirt with me.

I like bald men but I've yet to come across any

Im just too scared of starting to flirt without them giving me some sort of sign first. Im just not like that

[Monalisa77]

I think my list is probably the same with people i want as a friend.

There is a guy who has been trying to wind me up/pick at me. Other people think im over reacting, but i dont find it funny and he knows i dont like it that he keeps on doing it

His behaviour makes me wary that he put the other guy up to winding me up. He just suddenly started it

[BoopBoopBeep]

Do you ask them out?

If not, you must not want them too badly. That's why they're ending up with the other woman who did shoot her shot.

What's "your type?" We can't really say if the bar is too high without knowing what your bar is.

[Monalisa77]

Well people tell me i shouldn't be the one asking them, but I've given major hints i like them, or at least tried to

The guy i like atm is single

[BoopBoopBeep]

Those people saying that aren't getting you less single any sooner are they?

A woman's idea of "major hints" rarely is the same as a man's. What kind of things do you do for these major hints?

[Monalisa77]

I haven't had a chance to with the current guy (apart from sending a message which he hasn't replied to) but im sure the last guy knew cos of how much i talked about him and asked to do something outside of those times we had to see each other, its just didn't work out. Thing is, i have only just started attempting to flirt etc since covid, before that i was too shy or didn't think i was ready for it

[BoopBoopBeep]

Ok well good on you for the last guy. Sorry it didn't work out, but take it from a guy, those things happen ;)

[jshm2]

No, dearie, you have no bar, only wishful thinking.

You're a pretender looking for someone to give to you what you can't give to them. It's why you're a walking red flag that everyone is avoiding.

Also, just because you find them attractive, doesn't mean they find you attractive.

[Monalisa77]

Well why would they flirt with me?
You don't think i dont know I've got issues? The guys flirting can see that clear as day

[Monalisa77]

I think in time i could be a good partner. Im loyal, honest, funny, caring try not to judge people, see things with wider perspective, think im quite bright with good goals etc

[boobliker]

you make your bed you have to lie down in it.
but life is a bitch and then we die. That is what I have found anyhow
good luck in your hunt
but at 35 you should know what you want out of a man and what you will give in return.
I have found that my life is give give give then i get to take a little

[Monalisa77]

Yeh i know what i want just a case finding it

[Starrrboy]

" I can't go out with anyone if i dont find them attractive " isn't that like the bare minimum? lol... and if they don't ask you out then there must be something wrong.. maybe they're not really sure that you like them / you're very reserved and it's hard for them to break the ice.. Maybe you're in the friend zone lol.. either way don't expect different results while everything is pretty much the same.. you have to do something.. step up your game lol!..

[Monalisa77]

I was going to on Friday but he wasn't there and i sent a message and he didn't reply

[Starrrboy]

Not enough context but that's a really bad sign 😅.. I think you should flirt / talk to someone face to face first, and when you get familiar with each other you start texting.. if he's used to you talking to him mostly through text, from a guy's perspective, he wouldn't like it!.. unless he really knows you and smart enough to realize that's how you act when you're into him because you're shy / reserved but what are the chances? haha 😅... if you're waiting for the perfect emotionally intelligent man.. it's not guaranteed you'll meet one.. you probably gonna need to step out of your comfort zone..

[Monalisa77]

No matter how many yimes i tell people I've never had a boyfriend or been near 1, noone will try to get me involced with anyone or go out socilaly to meet people, its like people think im ok with this?

[Starrrboy]

Yes!.. that's what I'm trying to say.. don't expect everyone to be that cool and understanding 🤷‍♂️..

[Monalisa77]

I've no way of meeting guys only at the places i go to with my mum, just noone asks me to go anywhere with them i struggle making friends and yet people wonder why im like the way i am

[Starrrboy]

I feel ya.. I wish I had something helpful to say 😅..

[Kokoaquest]

Definitely explore out of your type, who has similar values as you do, list out their good and bad Traits. If you want the attention of the ones that are your type look your best, drop something of yours as you pass by them. Get them to come to you.

[Monalisa77]

But i just dont like other guys

[Kokoaquest]

More thank you dislike being single?

[Monalisa77]

Id be staying miserable if i dont feel any attraction

[Kokoaquest]

Fair point, so more strategy to capturing the tall dark and handsome there are plenty of podcasts out there that help women find and attract the man they want.

[Bricealan]

Well consider this: You can't demand qualities in someone, that you dont possess yourself... are you shapely, dark, and beautiful, with a nice smile, and dont' smoke?

[Monalisa77]

I dont smoke and i think I've got a nice smile. Im short but i dont think thats a barrier, i think guys actually like small women. I dont think im pretty but guys must like me in some form to start flirting?

[Monalisa77]

All guys I've liked are taller than me. I've mainly liked guys with the same kinda face but the guy i like atm wears glasses and is slightly diff but its not put me off him just was confused at the start

[Bricealan]

@Monalisa77 You sound fine from my POV!

[Monalisa77]

My main issue is my teeth and skin issues, but it musn't put guys off from flirting with me

[Bricealan]

@Monalisa77 If you have problems with your teeth from an appearance POV and skin, you can always work on those things over team and hopefully make yourself feel more confident with men?

[Monalisa77]

Ye im trying my best, just not sleeping well atm winters always a tough time

[Bricealan]

@Monalisa77 Well, stay with it, sweet pea, nothing to lose, and only can gain from it!

[love_conquers_lust]

I hear you on the no smoking. Also no recreational drugs legal/illegal in general. Non-negotiables for me.

Alcohol, I’d rather they not. Occasional glasses of wine or sips in church aren’t a big deal, but it’s not for me.

[Monalisa77]

I dont mind drinking as long as uts not over the top. The guy i like went to a gala night and i heard they were still in their tucks the next morning, but it couldve been his younger brother and their mates as they were in the pic smoking, he wasn't in that pic (unless he took it)

[love_conquers_lust]

Yeah, I’m flexible with alcohol. I read that wine can actually prolong life by reducing stress when consumed in moderation. Doesn’t seem to matter much in my family because my relatives have a habit of pushing 100 regardless of lifestyle.

[ThrillSeeker01]

If you like them and they give you attention, you can always try to talk with them and get to know them better to see if you feel comfortable having a serious relationship with them.

[Monalisa77]

Yup was going to when i saw them again n sent a message n they didn't reply

[ThrillSeeker01]

That stinks. If they didn't reply then you deserve someone better.

[Monalisa77]

Yup, what s weirder i thought i sat beside them today at the hospital, this guy wore glasses and was same voice build etc felt this weird tension /vibe n he turned his head slightly towards me i moved chairs n he moved into mine never moved iooked back about 10 mins later he wasn't there so strange

[ThrillSeeker01]

Yeah it's hard to tell what he's thinking

[Monalisa77]

I doubt it was him tho, as he's a busy guy at work or something or other, doubt hed have time to sit in a waiting room playing games😂just felt weird

[ThrillSeeker01]

It's understandable to be reminded of him when he's on your mind 🙂

[Monalisa77]

Lol im trying not to its weird that these things happen when there's a gyy involved. I just thought it was strange he wasn't rhere when i looked back 10 mins ago n noobe ledt rhe room to go for an appointment lol

[ThrillSeeker01]

It's easy to lose track of things when your mind's on someone

[DarkLegacy]

People who judge on looks deserve to be alone, obviously i would not because you would probably cheat

[Monalisa77]

Sorry if u got that impression, thats just when i inktially check a guy out. There needs to be more to get me to reall fall for someone and i dont think i could ever cheat, i couldnt live with the guilt

[Paul09]

So ask them out? And it isn't just about looks. You can get all that but then he is a-hole. And what's tall? Because over 6 feet + is like 15% of the population.

[Monalisa77]

I been told not to😂

[rebeliouse]

lmfao i miss read and thought you said:

"Do you think i set my bra to high?"

I was gonna ask how you can set one too high guess adjust it up too much lol

[Monalisa77]

😂😂Thanns for the laugh

[rebeliouse]

fancy dm?

[rebeliouse]

out of interest how big is this bra that is set too high lol

[SunnyRS]

I don't think according to your update that you have high standards but it does filter out some men, even if they are good.
But you must not reduce your standards because of it.

[Adogdog]

Maybe, I'm single too so I know how you feel.

[Monalisa77]

Have u always been single? I've never even. Been near a guy, most i get is a bit of attention 😂

[Adogdog]

Message me and we can talk about.

[NathanDavis]

sounds normal

[Jennz6]

Try flirting

[Monalisa77]

I do, but sometimes im in shock when these guys start flirting with me

[Jennz6]

Don’t worry

[Anonymous]

Probably.

[jimmy2]

You will find him