Whose supposed to say something first after the first date?

[Anonymous]

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

I generally preferred it when women contacted me soon after out of courtesy (on my part as well as hers).

Since I was the one who asked them out and arranged the date and paid for it (I'm old school), I was the one who initiated the ultimate expression of interest as I see it by asking her out on a date.

So I didn't want to place any pressure on her for a second date and so I preferred it if she reciprocated my initial expression of interest by contacting me and saying she really enjoyed the date (if she did). Then I can more confidently respond by asking her on a second date on cue.

It's a minor preference though. If, after the date, I come home, do some things, and she still hasn't contacted me yet and I enjoyed the date, I'll contact her and tell her I had a great time with her before I head to bed.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

If I use an analogy outside of dating, let's say I invite a friend over to my house. Then as host I prepare the food, entertainment, and try to entertain the person as my guest. Then they might politely thank me for a good time before leaving and leave.

I might have had a great time as host but and think there's at least an 85% chance they did as well if they were smiling and seeming to be enjoying themselves, but I'm not 100% sure when they thanked me and left whether they were just being polite or genuinely had a good time as my guest as I thought they did.

So I'm not a shy type by any stretch but it is preferable to me, simply out of courtesy, if they contact me first before I invite them to my home again so that I don't risk being annoying by inviting them a second time. I'll still do it after a period if I want to do it but I prefer to give a little time and leeway here for them to express some interest in it first before I invite them a second time, since that gives me a stronger sign that they genuinely did enjoy themselves very much.

[Asker]

Thanks for your perspective! I ended up reaching out to him telling him a thanks for everything and that I had a great time. I also made a comment for him to check out an artist that we were talking about and he responded very fast and positively towards that. So I think he was waiting for me to reach out first!

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

I think that should bolster his confidence to ask you out on a second date whether he's concerned of fear of being rejected or fear of making you uncomfortable. I got over all my fear of rejection by my 20s but I was still left with the fear of making women uncomfortable (fear of being discourteous; even though I got fear over getting hurt myself, I still had the fear of hurting others).

My wife also did this after our first date and I found that so refreshing, since most of my exes didn't do this and seemed like they were playing games making me go out of my way to pursue them while being flakey. Some guys might like the pursuit but I never liked it since the process of pursuing a woman always made me question whether she's playing hard to get and actually wants me to pursue or if she doesn't and I'm being rude. With my wife, I never had to ask that question since she was so refreshingly straightforward.

[Asker]

That’s very nice to hear. I’ll be honest I was a little apprehensive about texting him first also because of fear of rejection! Not because I want to be chased or anything like that. We are also two different races and I never dated outside of my race so I was pretty nervous about that aspect as well. I guess I should have considered the fact that he walked me to my car and gave me a hug before we departed. So that obviously would be a sign of continued interest on his behalf. Some guys might just say buy and go their separate way, right?

I could tell that he is the shy type. He’s 31! He gave some signs of insecurity before we met up (not really wanting to share his pictures). So in my mind he probably needs reassurance from my end first before he is comfortable with making a move. That’s just my analysis. I could be wrong haha.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

I think generally the risk of rejection for a second date is higher for the guy (assuming he asked you out on the first) since he had to have a reasonably vested interest to ask you out in the first place and we guys usually initiate all the moves, like the hug he gave you (almost certainly a sign of continued interest and desire to see you again, especially from a shy guy).

If my date went poorly, I definitely would go out of my way for a hug. I wouldn't be rude and try to be polite but definitely not going to be hugging here if I didn't feel the connection.

But I think especially for a shy guy, you especially made the right move reaching out to him. He was probably second-guessing himself a lot and worried

I think it's always easiest when it's like taking turns. Like guy says hi to a girl and shows some interest, girl reciprocates by being a bit flirty or attentive, guy reciprocates by asking her out on a date and going on one, girl reciprocates by reaching out and showing more interest, guy reciprocates by asking her out on a second date, etc. At least that's always been the most comfortable way for me is to take turns this way.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

* wouldn't go out of my way for a hug

[Asker]

Wow thanks so much for your feedback. It really puts things into perspective for me and helps me with navigating this situation. Often times, it’s pretty hard understanding things from a male perspective so everything you’re saying is very enlightening!

[jahaims]

No one is supposed to do anything. You are both humans with free will. Get the idea of "rules" out of your head.

[Asker]

Oddly enough you guys are the same age. I ended up texting him and he responded very quickly and positively.

[Paris13]

I never Have Stood on Ceremonies With That. Even To Thank on a Text, Your Date., To Thank Him for a Lovely Night Again... xxoo

[Paris13]

Thanks, Gag. xxoo

[Tim2nice]

I don’t think there’s a protocol for that. Either of you could talk first or at the same time. Like, nice to meet you. How are you doing?

[Asker]

Well I ended up messaging him first that I had a great time and he responded pretty quickly.

[Tim2nice]

That’s great! More girls should make the first move. Some guys are too shy to make a move

[Asker]

You’re right! But I think for him it stems from insecurity. When we first started texting he was very apprehensive about sending me pictures of himself. It took me asking him if he was a catfish just to get two pictures out of him! So I feel like he is insecure.

[Anonymous]

I think it should be guys who make the next move.