Do you ever feel like you are being blocked by an invisible wall that is stopping you from asking out someone?

[Unit1]

We're not talking about shyness here.

This is something I want to hear especially from girls.

yes

sometimes

no

other

[DreamCrescent]

what a great question.

it’s pretty strange; i started getting interested in someone. he’s really approachable and easy to talk to and we had a good enough rapport. i planned on casually inviting him to walk to the coffee shop up the street and share some coffee time together. as a signal that i wanted to become closer friends or whatever; just to get on his radar.

two days, two weeks apart i showed up with that intention. i wore something nice, smelled like beautiful perfume, helped him with his task, everything went natural. and then when it came right down to it, something came up, he had to leave, i had to go, plan busted.

no problem, shit happens. but it happened again, simply didn’t find my “in” even though I’m not too shy or awkward around him and he totally likes me (like vibes and respectfully, nothing in the romantic department yet)

i figured oh I’m missing something huge, here. he’s probs married or has a girlfriend. did my due diligence, nothing turned up.

i gave it one more shot. forget coffee, don’t have an end goal just go with the flow. now, as luck would have it, i’ve had to transfer and no longer see him at all. i constantly wonder if it’s a missed connection. i’ve had to like convince myself it wasn’t meant to be even though there was never a chance given. i looked up his birthday and mine and told myself oh okay maybe our zodiacs aren’t compatible, dropping this completely

the slap in the face is getting asked out straight out of the clear freakin blue once on one of those days i planned to interact with him and lay the seeds. i was just thinking i couldn’t be completely hideous or undesirable if I’m getting randomly asked out by a guy i just met yesterday. and then i transfer and once again, asked out out of nowhere

strange energy out there just managing people’s fates, huh?

[Unit1]

Hm. Now imagine never getting asked out. A few girls told me I am good looking, so I can't be hideous either. 😐
Ah well. Fate is fate. You tried and that counts.

[DreamCrescent]

I'm curious to hear your answer to your question. Do you try asking someone out and seemingly get blocked?

[Unit1]

Yeah, it feels only internally. If someone grabbed my arm and shoved me to the girls, I'm past that barrier. I can't do it myself.

[DreamCrescent]

lol i’d love to help grab your arm and shove you whenever. just say the word

[Unit1]

Haha, you are touching (in a good way) 😄! I do like having female friends.
I love girls.

[Unit1]

In the reverse situation I can help out a girl like that too.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/dCyEFmgWng0

I'd grab her by her arm and shove her to the boy and tell him "excuse me mate. This is (insert name here) and for her you look cute and she wants to get to know you".

Easy right? Not for someone's self however 😜

[DreamCrescent]

right?

reminds me way back in college on the first day of public speaking class. the instructor partnered us up with someone else and said get to know them and then present them to the class. we did fine. and then she said imagine if i’d made you come up here on your own and introduce you own self

humans are weird

[Unit1]

Yeah. Most parents have failed raising their kids properly. We are not exempt from it either. Can you imagine how for 1000s of years humans did (kind of) just fine finding a mate and nowadays it seems to be a bigger challenge than ever despite having pretty much global access (at a cost however)?

[Cynicaldreamer]

Why yes I do! It's called the, "wall of protection."

My heart and mind are tired of men playing games, rejecting, misleading, and giving me false hope.
So I basically have a barbed wire wall set up to keep me from asking out or approaching guys anymore because it ALWAYS leads to the same result: disappointment, anger, and rejection.

It's a tough old wall too; I don't see it breaking or coming down anytime soon- which considering the state of dating nowadays? Is probably a very good thing.

[Unit1]

I have it too but not for protection. It's an unknown force to me and it sucks.

youtube.com/shorts/SyRZp2RMEtA?si=uxbWYnOqtyJKCX50

[Anonymous]

I want to do things the right way and get to know a woman. Not pushing sex but date her the right way.

9 out of 10 times this got me friendzoned which is beyond devastating. These are women I spent months (sometimes longer) and this was the result. This included a few grown ass women in their 30s. It not a f*cking “joke” when women do this to men. The woman is literally telling the man she sees him as another woman and not a real man. I handle modern rejection. But disrespect is a different story.

All the effort, time, hope, money, etc all went to waste. So instead I feel forced to make a move early to show where I stand. To make a point. I had sex with all three of my last three gfs within 3 dates even though a part of me didn’t want to.

So anyway it’s been a long time since I have tried to “court” a woman. My invisible wall is the fear of my patience/kindness being exploited again. If I want a true meaningful relationship I have to take this risk. But the past incidents are my “invisible wall”.

The last incident involved a grown ass 38 year old woman who did this to me when I was 37. That’s when I hit a breaking point and gave up.

[DreamCrescent]

ugh that’s tough. I’m sorry you’re getting friendzoned. and it’s pretty strange that there’s a pattern, how weird is that

i wonder if there’s more to the story because your patient and kindness would make you more desirable to a woman, not the opposite.

i’ve had to distance myself from like unavailable or married guy friends because of exactly their wonderful personality i could feel myself going down a road where i wouldn’t mind wanting more from him. so obviously i had to back away

it seems you’re doing everything right, so i can hardly imagine the scenario. crazy that it wasn’t just a one off occurrence

familiarity with someone and especially if they’re kind and well-mannered should fuel desire, i would have thought. some chicks be stone cold brutal what can i say

i did want to share some feedback to your story, take it or leave it. there’s nothing wrong with showing desire early on. you don’t have to hold back and be all stoic and overemphasize your respectfulness. it’s not necessary. i hung on your words that you didn’t really want to have sex with these girlfriends and i just wonder why not. you don’t have to do the deed but show desire, it’s flattering.
i’m sure that’s not why you got friendzoned, just something that caught my eye

[Opinion Owner]

@DreamCrescent I’ve shown my desire quite obviously with these other women. But I get paranoid about being too aggressive without ironically even making a move if that makes any sense.

Literally EVERY girl I verbally told that I wanted has either

- toyed with me by making me falsely believe they are just playing hard. When in reality they aren’t interested at all but won’t be honest because they know they will lose my attention if i know the truth (this isn’t the worst).

- feign acting shocked. They were TOO confident that given how nice I am that I would be a pure sucker for their bs friendzone setup. That’s a huge insult too.

Me being honest about my feelings ONLY works if she openly showing interest first. For example that 38 old “Wendy” (she never grew up) b*tch woman showed a subtle yet very bad signs she wasn’t interested. She rescheduled dates a lot. She complimented me a lot (about being “nice” of course which made me cringe) but NEVER complimented me on my looks. She one time dressed way down when met for a snack and beer. Literally tshirt and jeans and no make up.

All those were bad signs. But as soon as I started pull away she would reach out to me and make up quick excuses for her flakiness. What she did at me at the end absolutely knocked it out the park. It be a word wall to tell you the story that happened. But it was horrible.

[Opinion Owner]

So anyway I find myself having to “strike the iron while it’s hot” in the early phases of dating when a woman is excited to meet a handsome stranger. Of course being a man I have impulses to have fun but it’s more often then not about “staking a claim”. Something happens after sex that changes the dynamic. There is a power shift to a certain extent. She’s know asking herself “why did I sleep with that guy? Because i like him?” The idea of me being a platonic friend is now much more out of the question.

I had sex with my last girlfriend on our first date. But before I did it I said “you know I kinda like you. I hope we can hang out after this.” Here response was “let’s have sex now so we can have sex again”. Actually a wonderful thing to hear in that moment lol.

But still this required me making a move when I didn’t know her that well. Respectful: yes. Consensual: of course. But it would so nice to at least wait for a few weeks and do it after several dates. But the idea of me putting in that risk and effort and have women do what I mentioned earlier literally terrifies me. It literally makes me think there really is something wrong with me. The friéndzone is the type of insult that makes me hate myself for being such a naive sucker.

Anyway thanks for hearing me out. I have had women get pissed off and accuse me about being a scumbag above. Yes I have slept with a lot of women. That’s not a riskless endeavor either. But there are at least 7+ women who have long term friendzoned me when I was chivalrous. This can last for months to almost 2 years for one girl back in college. That HURT. Really hurt.

[DreamCrescent]

daaayyyyummmm. i’m sorry, man

thanks for sharing, i gotta say.

okay so, i get what you’re saying. you’re kind, and nice to be around. they enjoy the attention and companionship. my guess is, they didn’t see you as a romantic partner from the get-go. it was never there. but rather then confronting that discomfort of ending at that, they string you along so that they don’t have to have a tough convo with you

it’s selfish behavior, i won’t disagree, but i can see it happening. stay with the status quo stay in the comfort zone rather than do the right thing type of situation

i agree about sex too early on not being the answer. i know what you mean about having done the deed and subsequently having that feeling that you may as well explore the relationship because there’s no putting that toothpaste back in the tube

maybe rather than go that route, establish a safe word on date one. that’s something i’ve resorted to. i find opposite genders are soooooo bad at communicating (honestly how much easier would life be if we all had partners within our same sex? at least we’d know how to communicate). in my experience, i’ve found I’m not given the advantage of bowing out of a second or third date. like I’m not allowed to make that decision for myself and men generally get very aggressive about it, go full offense mode.

beforehand, before egos and expectations get in the way, at the very uncertain beginning of it all i just ask can we establish a safe exit strategy. can i have a code word that no questions asked just says i don’t want to pursue this any further and without explanation. or i ask for the permission that if i don’t text back, please don’t push further. like i literally say please don’t make me send mixed messages

but anyways, if they’re keeping you around because they just like the attention, that’s a way other level of rude

anyways, wish you tons of happiness, bye. sry about the long chat

[Sharkstealth]

Did you kiss them?

[DreamCrescent]

@Sharkstealth who's the question for? the anonymous guy? he been having sex with them early on between dates 1-3

[Opinion Owner]

@DreamCrescent “You can’t put toothpaste back in the tube”. Good quote there lol. I will have to borrow that one.

I got radar for friendzone bs and I haven’t let a woman get away with it long term in at least 12 years. Ironically I gave the 38 year old more leeway then I would of given younger women in their 20s. Despite the red flags I made a very bad assumption that she would know better then to pull that crap. I know I am held to a higher standard at my age. She should be too. But age is not always a sign of maturity.

I have flat out told women “hey I don’t do the friendzone but I wish you the best.” and then never talked to them again. It takes the power back but it’s also just depressing that they were confident that they could get away with that bs in the first place. Any woman past 30 should know damn well that if a man approaches them and/or hangs out with them he isn’t looking just to be “friends”.

Maybe that’s an ego problem I have. But I keep on asking myself “how often does this happen to other guys?” Young women in their late teens and early 20s do this crap to young men all the time. Naive young “nice guys” usually have to learn a few lessons. But at women 30+ thinking they can get away with it? What am I doing wrong?

It’s not like I’m not sexually viable. I can get flings and hook ups. But wtf is going wrong when I’m trying to do things the right way? Do most women in “modern” times view chivalry as weakness.

I really would for once in my life be friends first with a woman. Really get to know her and then make it romantic. But I’ve never in my life gotten that with a woman I felt attracted to. Ever.

Maybe I’m doing something really wrong in the intermediary. But I did express interest to these women. But ironically it came off as more “creepy” or something to talk about my interest vs. just making a move. Like the latter is more masculine and confident or something. But that comes with a bunch of risks in itself.

[Opinion Owner]

@dreamcrescent you don’t have to respond to above. thanks for your advice!

[DreamCrescent]

💛💚🩵
no, chivalry isn’t a sign of weakness.
and yes, the best romantic relationships start out as friends and then advance
today’s world is complicated I’m confused so much of the time, honestly

thank you for this exchange, it’s been nice

[Opinion Owner]

@DreamCrescent make sure to give younger woman advice on how to best handle “friendzone” situations. It’s okay if they are aren’t romantically interested in the guy. But they do have to RESPECT him. And they can respect him by being honest and NOT accepting handouts and attention. Attraction and respect are two different things.

[Anonymous]

Back when I was dating, I would spend hours trying to compose the ideal message to every woman i tried to proposition.

In hindsight the low amount of relevance such effort had to her choice in talking to me, as well as the human inability to maintain such standards in real time. Probably meant such investment was a bad idea.

That instead a smaller investment of time in a larger pool of women may have been a better trade off given my inability to read their mind to know who among them was a waste of time for me.

[Valdemort]

Fear of hurting them, fear of abandonment and the probability of being too problematic.


When I was younger, whenever anything inconvenient happened, one of my caretakers would always tell me "you wouldn't care if I jumped in front of a train," and they would then leave the house for hours, making me think they were going to end their life. That's always stuck with me.
I've heard it so many times, that I feel like the possibility of hurting someone is always right around the corner. Hence I apologise for anything I do or say that could be taken the wrong way in any situation.
It's probably also the reason I'm haven't been open to date anyone, because I'm simply scared.
Scared of hurting them, scared of doing the wrong thing, scared of losing them.
Some people bring bagage into a relationship. I feel like I would honestly be the bagage. 😅

[naartjie]

Thankfully not. I’m very outspoken and have on a few occasions out in public I’ve told someone I find them very attracted or just asking someone if they’d like to go out.
My personal opinion I don’t think it should be the woman who chases/leads/courts the man and rather the other way around but I’ll happily say or do something if the opportunity arises.
Also in this day and age we live in, men are more sceptical when it comes to approaching women or starting something to avoid being called a creep or put down in any way.

[Insecure2]

That is fear in my case. Even if I want to ask someone out I AM afraid that I AM not pretty enough, not intelligent enough, not outspoken enough, etc. To be accepted and not laughed at. IT probably shows my lack of confidence as I never had too much of IT.

[itsclearlynicholas]

No, however legitimately I've blocked people and they've blocked myself also. Lol. 🧱 However I don't find it hard approaching people or talking to people. Especially if they look not busy or they're only mingling to themself or only two or three others lol. Just be friendly and smiley and open body language 👍😀

[Dana223]

Definitely "sometimes".

I can be very much a person of moods. If the day is right then no biggie. On bad hair days things go unexplainably difficult.

[alice55]

No i don’t ask out cause it s men job to do if he don’t ask me out it’s cause he aren't really interested and if he s shy then it would never lead to anything cause i m shy too

[bobalife]

protecting myself from being hurt, fear, not enough, not appreciative/cherish enough

or maybe they're/I'm not ready yet...

[bobalife]

Oops I imagine this for relationshipy/serious, if it’s a date, I know I can… but it’s just more fun and attractive when a man takes lead🤭

[Lionman95]

yes sometimes there are often women I like but I feel a kind of block that hinders me like wondering what and how to say something.

[RingOfFire]

Yes, and I also sometimes feel I am being watched by these half human half animal purple humanoids.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you!

[Cody2004]

Sometimes usually I open my eyes and then I can avoid the wall I'm walking into

[selfish-and-cruel]

No, I don't recall experiencing such a feeling.

[Nikki1989]

No, I have so much confidence, people find it overwhelming at times.

[SolitarySolace]

No but if I were I'd take it as a sign to stay the fuck away from that person. God is probably telling me they're bad news

[Yannae]

No I could always see it very well and that wall was a me. It was like looking at a mirror.

[McKellar]

Yes, it's called "The Friendzone" or "The Protection of Creeper/Stay away from me/You're not my type".

[D_Bone_Steak]

Is this a diaphragm question?

[LaurenM1997]

Yes I’m too scared I’d get cheated on again

[CozyCoffin]

I don't. Answer is always a form of no.

[MrMore1]

You're a special human 😂

[OtterMan68]

Only when I'm a mime