Why does my boyfriend always run away and say "he can't deal with drama" when I bring an issue up?

[Anonymous]

Whenever I show emotion and express something that he did that bothered me he always says, "OK red flag! I dont do drama." The "drama" is me when I call him out for something ignorant he did that bothered me, etc. I guess the fact that I show him love, am loyal, and take care of him are nothing to him.

[roxbby]

He can’t communicate. Communication is the most crucial element for making a relationship work out. I had an ex like this. He just broke up with his recent girlfriend, and he was the exact same with her—horrible communication, very similar to the example you wrote in your post. He’s an ex for a reason…


In terms of what’s going on on their side, it’s very clear they were never modeled healthy communication, so based on what they’ve seen from their parents or adult figures, they associate communication with arguments and thus, avoid communication. Communication is defined as freely expressing each other’s needs and figuring out a compromise. This is probably adding on top that if you never learn to healthily communicate, they naturally associate your communication with the unhealthy communication they saw in their life, which tends to be a fight of who’s right or wrong most of the time (when a healthy relationship compromise is much more about finding a middle ground that works for both sides). They also probably have a fragile ego, so that’s why they can’t accept they’re wrong. If they’re wrong, they’ll feel like their sense of self is destroyed.


Can you fix this situation? Sadly, no—this is a journey that someone can only fix unless it is their own initiative to do the shadow work and/or go to therapy.



I know it’s really hard to say that, but make sure to be aware of the confirmation bias. You clearly want the relationship to work, so you will be prone to a confirmation bias. That means you’ll naturally acknowledge the opinions that confirm what you want to hear and will forget and mentally chuck our opinions that don’t agree with what you want. But as someone who is in a very healthy relationship and was with a guy like this, this is heading towards a breakup because he won’t change. If he can’t communicate, this relationship is screwed. He will screw up every relationship after you until he one day changes. He’s not emotionally mature enough.


Communication is the number one reason for divorce. My advice for this situation is to talk to him about how to learn how to communicate and not dismiss other’s feelings. If he can’t accept it, it’s time to leave, girl. He won’t change. My ex was the exact same three years later with the same girl. I told him my advice. They won’t change unless it’s their own initiative.


I know this is a very harsh reality, but I don’t want to lie to you or keep yourself in this mess any longer. A man who says your needs are drama isn’t a man you want. You’ll forever beg for the bare minimum.

[Asker]

I left him and feel better ❤️

[AmyHew1tt]

I mean, clearly, he has issues. Maybe it's how you approach it, but honestly, I think we all need to separate ourselves from immature people who tell us our feelings about their actions aren't valid, and avoid self-reflection. But there's a relationship advice guy who gives solid advice on communicating with partners like yours. If you want to look him up on YouTube, I think it would be worth trying: Jimmyonrelationships

[Anonymous]

''I guess the fact that I show him love, am loyal, and take care of him are nothing to him.''

When ever you do all of this for a man that does not deserve it, he will not respect you. Nothing will ever change this. You should be asking yourself why you are giving yourself, giving your love, time, attention, soul and body to a man that has shown he neither deserves or appreciates it...

[Daniela1982]

Don't put up with this guy's BS. Dump his ass because he doesn't care to discuss your problems because he feels he can do no wrong.

[slatyb]

Next time he runs, don't let him come back.

[OtterMan68]

he's blaming you for his problems