How long to wait for a guy’s reply after first date before unmatching him on dating app?

[Anonymous]

First date went really well on last Friday. At the end of it, guy hugged me and asked if we continue talking on the dating app where we met. I replied yes. Next two days, he had friends over but we still managed to exchange texts 2-3 times a day. I also realized he didn’t ask me about my day while I did and he just kept talking about how much fun he is having with his friends. I told him that I was glad to hear that he was having a good time.

I decided I won’t message him first today since I basically initiated messages after the first date and that he wasn’t asking me any questions like I was asking about how his day is going. I also wished him a fantastic weekend but he didn’t wish me back.

He hasn’t messaged me since last night. Is this a lost cause? Before the first date, we texted for about a week and had long chats.

[Anonymous]

The fact that he didn’t ask to text normally and instead stay on the app is a red flag to me. I don’t think there’s a need to stay on the app dms any longer than like 3-4 days, especially after you’ve had a first date. My guess is that he’s wanting to leave his options open, and by staying on the app it’s less serious. Like if he cuts ties you won’t have his number to reach him on. Shady business, if I were you I’d move on to someone matching my effort as well.

[Asker]

The way he asked about continuing to talk on app was more like a question rather than suggestion. It seemed to me that he was trying to get my number but since he didn’t ask directly, I just told him that I was fine to continue talking on app. He isn’t a shy person so could have asked my number directly but from his tone, it seemed like he was gauging my interest and if I wanted to keep talking
I think I’ll wait for another day and if he doesn’t reply then I’ll know it’s over. What do you think?

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, I mean I can see why you agreed to keep talking on the app but to me it would’ve said a lot. I just don’t see a big deal I’m not asking for your number other than not wanting you to be able to reach him outside of the app should things not work out. Right now he’s playing the field, which is fair and fine as a single man but in that respect I would set my sights elsewhere as well. Basically not setting any expectations with him, seek other men, keep your options open. He may come around to responding but if I were you I wouldn’t want a guy who’s cool with not only leaving my message on stand-by but not speaking for the day, even just to check in.

[Opinion Owner]

*big deal in asking for your number

[Asker]

Yes, I’ll keep your suggestion in mind and I won’t wait around for him and keep my options open too.
He had mentioned to me that in his last relationship, he had learned that people thrive on daily forced communication and he didn’t feel to connect if nothing important happened. He had a very exhausting weekend with little sleep so I’m assuming he might be tired and gotten back to office today. But I always feel people make time for people who matter.
I’ll wait till tomorrow and if there’s no reply, I’m done.
I value myself far enough to let a man who won’t even check in on me to ruin my time or mental peace.

[Asker]

Thank you for helping me!

[Opinion Owner]

My advice? No excuses. There’s a difference between being considerate of his busy schedule and accommodating his nonsense. This isn’t some old wives tale — a man will make time for who or what he wants to make time for. Businessmen in higher professional positions than he could ever even dream have whole families at home and have figured out a work/life balance because it’s what they want. Nobody wants their whole lives to revolve around a 9-5 that’s why your guy is on an app in the first place. If he has weekends to party with his friends he surely has the 10 seconds it takes to send you a message.

On top of that, he’s showing you what you can expect from him as a partner, which is a man with an inability to prioritize the woman in his life. He’s lacking in effort, you’re having to initiate the conversations to hear from him, it’s already too one sided.

[Opinion Owner]

Also no problem at all! I’ve been in a relationship for a while now but I was on the dating scene much longer and it’s rough. Just be as smart as you can about it, protect yourself emotionally to the best of your ability because men can be self-serving, it’s up to you to care most about you.

[Asker]

I can’t thank you enough for your advise! I’ve learned the hard way that my mental peace and self worth comes first always. And I’ll be sure to follow every bit of your advise!
So should I wait for him to reach out to me? I thought so and that’s why I didn’t message him today to see his interest level. On Sunday when he told me that his friends have left and he had great time and was exhausted and was cleaning up, I did reply promptly reply and told him that I was glad he had a good time.
I’m surprised that he didn’t message today and so I would really like your opinion if I should wait or send him a message tomorrow.

[Asker]

Actually I just re-read your last replies and I’ve decided I don’t message him. I’ve made enough effort from my side over the weekend especially.
Let’s see how it goes tomorrow that is, if he replies

[Asker]

Hey, I messaged him good morning and he replied this. Does this mean he is ending it? What should I write to him?

“Hey, hope you had a fun eclipse experience lol... Sadly it was super cloudy.
It was really fun to get to meet, chat and generally hang out, especially seeing how well you played at the bowling
But I'm not sure I feel a connection”

[OlderAndWiser]

Your generation thinks that a partner's potential as a long term partner should be judged by his texting behavior, instead of dating, becoming more familiar with each other, and evaluating his or her character. How much worse can this get?

[Asker]

It’s actually even worse than you mentioned. I chatted with this guy for about 5 days before meeting him. Partly also because we had busy work schedule so couldn’t meet earlier than planned. Anyways, the saddest part is that after first date, he decided that he wasn’t “feeling the connection”. To be honest, I wasn’t attracted to him but there was a healthy chemistry that if felt so I decided that I’ll explore the option of knowing him more and probably he will turn out to be someone I’ll be attracted to. But he kind of ended it by saying he wasn’t sure if he was feeling it.
Long story short, I agree with you that my generation is somewhat on a wrong path of dating and from my this experience, I feel that people in general these days don’t have the patience to see if things can unfold for better; they just take the high road coz they thing they will have better options ahead.
I would really like to have your opinion on my experience with this guy.

[Asker]

To add, I could tell that he liked meeting me in person and also felt that he and I had things in common. We had about 3 hours long first date and conversation just went on smooth but here I am wondering how and where to find a real organic connection who knows that dating needs patience

[OlderAndWiser]

Sometimes, people have stuff going on in the background and, on a first date, you are totally unaware. I remember having a first date about nine years ago and it was the best first date I ever had. We sat there and talked over dinner and dessert and it was effortless. I thought we both had a strong attraction to each other and we made plans for a second date before the first date ended. I gave her a goodnight kiss on the lips but very brief and not slobbery and she smiled. Texted her when I got home and she responded immediately. Then she ghosted me and I never heard from her again.

Later, I was curious and I have easy access to information so I tried to find out about her. I discovered that she had recently broken up with a live-in boyfriend, got a restraining order against him, later got the restraining order dissolved, married the guy, and divorced him two months later.

But I had no clue about any of that at the time she ghosted me.

It sounds like this guy liked you, felt some attraction, but some other issue is making him avoid you. Could be that he is already in a relationship that is ending and he was exploring his options. Maybe he met another girl around the same time and she jumped into bed with him on the first date.

You don't always get the explanation that you want and closure sometimes never happens. But whatever the explanation is, his behavior is probably not a reaction to anything about you.

[Asker]

Thank you for sharing your experience and for helping me understand this situation. I think this guy gave me an important lesson that I shouldn’t try to compromise when I don’t feel the attraction with the guy and that I should keep looking till I find someone I truly want to know about and can imagine a future with. Thank you again!

[OlderAndWiser]

You are welcome. Good luck!

[BonzoInBitburg]

If you sent the last text, don't text again. Never ever ever double text. It's up to the other person to keep the conversation going and if they don't do it in a timely manner. move on

[Asker]

This guy wasn’t keeping the conversation going because he was with his friends and since he still managed to send me message and even reply to mine, so I thought I can always give him benefit of doubt even though he didn’t seem that interested in knowing how my weekend was going. I also didn’t show much interest coz I thought he is busy with friends. May be he took it as I’m not interested after the first date. So, I sent him a good message today and I’m glad I did: he told me that he enjoyed meeting me but isn’t sure if he is feeling the connection. I just thanked him for his honesty and wished him well.
However, I’ll keep your words in mind for future. I’ll never try to fix the gap in communication if the guy isn’t putting in at least an equal amount of effort in trying to get to know me. Thank you for sharing your take on this!

[Danny_dan92]

If he doesn’t text you by the following morning of the next day after the day of the first date. It’s done

[Asker]

Date was on Friday and I messaged him on Saturday first because he ended the date on a good note by asking if we can continue talking. We texted each other 2-3 times over the weekend as he had friends over for a social gathering. He also messaged me after his friends left last night to tell me that he was exhausted and was cleaning up. I replied to him and told him I was glad he had a great weekend.
But today, no message from him. What do you think?

[Danny_dan92]

You sent the last message?

[Asker]

Yes, last message was last night when I replied to him that I was happy to know he had a fun weekend.

[Danny_dan92]

I see.

Maybe he’s tired. Especially if he went to work today.

1. I do not know if you’re asking him questions to show curiosity and interest. But if not then you should, this is how we gauge if a girl is interested. And lately more and more guys aren’t bothering to talk to girls that show little to no interest.

2. If he doesn’t text you back by tomorrow morning? It’s done.

[Asker]

I have asked him a lot of questions since matching with him. And after the date, I knew he is busy with friends so I just asked him about the board games they were playing when he sent me a photo of it. I asked what it was and if it was fun. He told me about it. He sends me lot of photos of there he is and after the date, I felt like I can trust him and so I sent him a photo of a morning view from my place which he liked. So I guess he knows I’m interested.
As for the done or not done thing, I guess I’ll have to wait till tomorrow.
Also, he was very active over the weekend despite getting less sleep and I just happen to tell him that I can never go out for a walk if I’ve had great lunch and am in a food coma. I may be overthinking but may be he thought I’m a lazy person and not someone who will lead a hyper active lifestyle like him later if we happen to get together. May be it’s overthinking. I don’t know. What do you think? Do such small things matter to guys?

[Danny_dan92]

Give it till tomorrow morning. Text him a good morning text.

If he never responds he either lost interest for who knows why. Or he died. Or maybe his phone exploded.

[Asker]

Should I really text him good morning? I mean over the weekend, I initiated all texts and he just replied to those. I send him good morning and have a great weekend which by the way he never said back to me. So I’m wondering, isn’t it his turn to start the conversation? Pls correct me if I’m wrong

[Danny_dan92]

I’m telling you…

Send a “good morning” text tomorrow. Do not add anything extra. Like “I hope you’re ok”

Why? This shows you’re running out of patience. Also shows you have self worth. Yes… female simps exist. And the same way girls are turned off by simps, us guys don’t like it when girls are begging to be acknowledged.

And this goes back to the point I told you. Have some self worth. Tomorrow is his last chance to redeem his status with you. If he doesn’t give a fuck to respond then it should be easier for you to accept because going into tomorrow morning you should already have the mindset of “maybe he isn’t the one for me”

[Asker]

Got it. I’ll send him text tomorrow morning. Let’s see what happens. Thank you so much for helping me out here!

[Danny_dan92]

No problem. Good luck

[Asker]

Hey, I messaged him good morning and he replied this. Does this mean he is ending it? What should I write to him?

“Hey, hope you had a fun eclipse experience lol... Sadly it was super cloudy.
It was really fun to get to meet, chat and generally hang out, especially seeing how well you played at the bowling
But I'm not sure I feel a connection”

[Danny_dan92]

Yeah see, I told you things weren’t looking good. This is why I told you not to come off clingy or desperate and just send him one last message this morning. Respectfully tho he told you what’s up without you having to ask (unless you did ask)

[Danny_dan92]

But to answer your question, yes. He isn’t interested anymore

[Asker]

I just sent him good morning text and didn’t ask anything else. Can I reply this to him? Also should I unmatch with him or just keep the match as it is? This is on bumble.

“Hey. Thank you for your honesty. I also had a nice time meeting and knowing you and I wish you all the best”

[Asker]

By unmatching, our chat will close and we will not be able to message again.

[Danny_dan92]

That’s a good response. Leaving on a good note

[Danny_dan92]

Just send the message but keep the match there. Do not unmatch

[Asker]

Thanks for your quick advise! I just sent him that message and I’ll keep the match.
Honestly, I didn’t feel attraction with him but I was willing to explore that as a possibility in future. He and I did click, meaning that we have similar likes and thinking in most matters we talked about. Even though I wasn't 100% into him, why do I feel bad after he has told me he didn’t feel a connection? Is something wrong with me? I know I’m not emotionally attached to him or have any attachment issues in life.

[Danny_dan92]

You feel bad because you think you did something wrong. Which more than likely you didn’t. Maybe he wanted to have sex on the first date and given that didn’t happen he moved on. Who knows. But for your sake take it as it is, it didn’t work out. End of story

[Asker]

Thanks for giving me a perspective. He did mention during the date that he lives by himself and we weren’t even talking about it. Not sure if he was leading to sex with that because he lives close to the place where we met. He was otherwise decent.
I could tell he was impressed by me. He and I played at bowling before going for dinner down the road.
He works in artificial intelligence and last year, I was laid off along with my other teammates due to company moving towards AI so I told him that during the date. I told him I’m not happy at the new job and I finish my work and spend remaining time to prepare for interviews. He joked and told that he will tell my current employer. He doesn’t know which company I work for so I think he was joking. May be I came off as professional but overall I’ve been polite with him. I even asked politely to split the bill and paid my part.
One other thing I feel might have been the problem is that I wasn’t asking him many questions after the date (during the weekend when he was partying with his friends). Every time he and I messaged, I just replied in one or two liners and I didn’t try to extend the conversation coz I thought he is busy with his friends. This is same what you told me yesterday that I should show interest if i am not. What do you think?

[Asker]

Come off as *unprofessional
(However he does know that I have a established career in computer science and have done really well in my academics)